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Parenting
Update on DD
She is doing very well and acting completely normal. The entire K had a music program last night and the offending child wasn't present. He is, however; in DS's class. DH and I want him away from both of our children at this point. The school is pretty tight lipped about what will be done. The principal said this morning that the child will not be allowed outside for recess for the week. He will be in her office. I spoke with a counselor that we've seen as a family a few times. I informed her of the circumstances and asked if DD should talk to her. The counselor said that as long as she's fine that bringing it up again and talking about it is probably not needed. Unless DD brings it up of course. She did state that DD should not be around the child. DH is considering a restraining order against the child since it seems unlikely that the school will move him to another class (their is a third K class that neither of my children are in). I don't know a judge would grant it given the circumstances, but I trust my DH's judgement.
The female detective called yesterday. She said she didn't need to talk to DD either unless we wanted her to. She gathered enough info from my report I provided and will be in contact with the boy and his family. There will be no criminal charges filed due to his age. I wasn't interested a criminal proceeding, but rather the situation be addressed and ensure that children are safe (including this child). She also contacted SRS who will be following the situation.
I'm sad for the boy and his family. I'm sad this happened. I do worry about it happening again. She should be safe at school. I sure some of you may find our possible pursuit of a restraining order over the top, but as I stated, their are several agencies investigating the welfare of this child. We are the only ones really looking out for DD at this time.
I haven't talked with the school about us not finding out until DD told me since the principal was out of the district and the teachers were following the chain of command. I understand the teachers need to follow a certain procedure, but at the same time, when there is something like this that occurs, someone else should have notified me at that time. Our main priority right now is DD safety in the school so once we get some figured out we will make our feelings known to the principal. One thing at a time.
Wendy
Twins 1/27/06. DS and DD
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Update on DD
So sorry this happened to your DD. Glad to hear that she bounce back fine. I'm glad the school knows this happened so that they can watch this kid and prevent it from happened again or take the appropriate measures if it does.
I can't wonder about how a restraining order can work. This boy is only 5 or 6, right? He goes to the same school? Plays on the same playground? I don't see how he can not be around your kid or if he even would truely understand that he needs to stay away at this age. Are you trying to get him moved to another school? After loosing recess for a week, which would be a big deal in their world I would think he gets it that he did something he shouldn't. This age can act stupid sometimes.
Wow, this makes me so sad for everyone involved. As a mother of an almost 5 year old boy, I can't help but try to imagine how he and his family must feel. I am not diminishing that his action was wrong and that your daughter was the victim in this situation but, the child is not a sexual predator. He is a young child. He acted impulsively, and used bad judgement and hopefully, that is all it was, and he is not a victim himself. I think the situation the boy is in should be investigated, but I am sure the boy will know now that he can't touch people there. I sincerely hope that he is not removed from his school, the ramifications of this degree of "punishment" to a young child at the very start of his education could be very damaging to his future. There should be a way to keep the children apart, which you obviously feel is necessary, without going to such degree.
Again, I am not negating the stress this has caused you and your family and I am not judging how you handled the situation. It is such a sensitive situation for everyone, and you are putting it out there, so I am just giving you my perspective.
Could not have said it better my self.
I think if they can't find a way to keep the boy away from your daughter a restraining order may be the way to go. IMO she shouldn't be forced to be anywhere near someone who violated her like that, 5 years old or not.
It's not that I don't feel for the boy or his family, but from the POV of someone who has been repeatedly touched like that by another kid at school, your daughter shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable/unsafe while she is there.
This. I don't know what I would do in your situation. I honestly can't imagine my 5yo DS touching someone's private area -- I'm pretty sure he knows better than that at this age -- but I also can't imagine him getting thrown out of school permanently for what could have been an innocent mistake.
I don't know. I hope everything works out so that you feel confident of your DD's safety at school.
I'm wondering if he even knew what he was doing was wrong as he did it?
I'm not saying it's wrong to pursue a restraining order, but I also have a feeling that the kid as received the point loud and clear.
I'm sorry for everyone involved.
A couple of things to add. I got some more information out of DD the day it happened. This child placed his hand under her dress and under her shorts. Certainly not by accident. She was not hanging upside down or anything of the sort. He made a sweeping motion with his hand. After it happened, he said to another boy "Look at her butt". Per DD he apologized and she said he was smiling when he said it.
ETA: As I stated above, a mental health professional said she should not around this child.
Out of the school immediately with this child. He needs to be evaluated, he needs intervention to see what is happening at home. There is something very wrong with him, probably through abuse at home and he's acting it out at school. Kids just don't do things like that.
I am so sick of people feeling sorry for the people who do wrong. In an attempt to make sure everyone's feelings aren't hurt, we overlook what's important - being held accountable for your actions. I hope the school understands the seriousness of this, I really do. I hope he is punished to the full extent of whatever law you can hand down to an elementary school child. A simple slap on the wrist won't work in a situation like this. If this isn't stopped he will grow up to be much, much worse. Trust me. My major was in Criminology.
Your DD should never have to see this boy again and I would most definitely be pressing charges if it were my DD in that situation. Sickening.
I am not making light of the situation by any means, but you're being a tad bit dramatic no? And I bolded the part about your major.......how do you know what he will grow up to be? It is a sucky situation all around.
Ah, you must be an expert then.
Leilas mommy- I agree people must be accountable for their actions. He is a child, a very young child, not a criminal, not a teenager who fondling a girl he had a crush on, but a young child who for whatever reason did something inappropriate whether he knew it or not, allegedly. Or is it basically her word against his? Because I don't know if getting him expelled from school during kindy, and all of the hurt and confusion that goes along with all of that is actions I would want to be accountable for. I would think educating the boy on why that is inappropriate, separating the children and reinforcing the girl that she did the right thing, and she won't be around the boy anymore, and of course an investigation into the boy's situation.
I think because it is possible he didn't and I think it's really hard to wrap your mind around such a severe punishment (getting kicked out of school) for a decision a five year old made 1 time. I think if the kids were separated permanently and the child lost recess for a week was the punishment (along with education), then people wouldn't go to the what ifs. It would be all (((hugs))) because you need those, but it's hard not to look at it from every angle from an outsiders perspective.
I don't know how I would react in this situation or if it was my son. I read this post earlier and all I keep thinking is, sexual predators start out somewhere.
I can see how kicking him out of school could cause more harm. I think I would be happy with him just moving to the other class as long as he is watched and he receives some sort of therapy.
Sorry you and your daughter are going through this.
I think you obviously have a right to feel upset, and I'm sorry that your DD had this happen, but I think you are way out of line with the possibility of a restraining order. Contrary to your belief, this is some what common behavior of children in this age category. It does not mean the boy is being abused, it does not mean he had ill intent, he is at an age where he's learning what is appropriate behavior. Obviously now he will know this is not appropriate behavior.
Please put yourself in the other parents position, because it could very easily be reversed. I'm sure his parents will have him evaluated and take all of the precautionary measures to make sure nothing is wrong.
I have been in a similar situation with my child and his cousins of the same age. I was extremely concerned, as were his cousins parents, but it turns out no one is being abused, none of the kids really thought much of it, they did not know the weight of their actions. I was assured over and over again that this is typical behavior. If it were to continue after the fact that they know it is inappropriate, then yes, further evaluation would be necessary.
I just find it completely harmful and self serving to humiliate this boy any further. They will not be in the same class, he will learn the weight of his actions.
You're quite the alarmist aren't you? Holy shiit. He is a child.
Ummm, you know this kids FIVE, right? Guess what not every kid comes from a great situation and he honestly may not have know what a big deal his actions were.
I am not flaming, this is a tough situation, but the restraining order seems overkill to me.
Honestly I am still reeling from the fact that you did not get a call from the teacher about this before your kid came home. Even if the principal was away there is a teacher in charge and they should have contacted you.
I agree! I'm also a little surprised at some of the harsh responses, kick the kid out of school ect. Go ask your parents if you ever got caught playing "dr." as a little kid and by that I mean showing or being shown and even "examining" the private parts of opposite sex or same sex children. God lord, that is typical. For sure in this day and age *most* parents are teaching their kids about stranger danger and appropriate touching in a way that never happened when most of us were kids (especially if you're in the mid or higher 30's age) so playing Dr. is not as common as it used to be but it certainly doesn't make the child a pedophile or mean he's a threat to anyone.
Having him moved to another classroom, sure that sounds reasonable but nothing further unless there is another incident.
Ditto.
I think you are causing her more mental/emotional harm by making such a huge deal out of it and dragging it out, but that's JMO. I'm not sure why you posted this on the board with the "WWYD" if you weren't seeking opinions and advice.
I realize that you need to advocate for your daughter, but I still think you are being self serving and irrational, as well as seemingly uneducated about the developmental level of a 5 or 6 year old child. Why do you feel the need to shame this boy further?
I don't think that your concern for your DD is shaming the boy. I think that the over the top police involvement, and possibility of a restraining order is shaming the boy. I hope that you really do not take it that far. I think it was a mistake to involve the police in any way in the first place, but you can't take that back. Good luck, and I hope that you get what you want out of this unfortunate situation...whatever that may be.
Obviously, I am just a lurker on a message board to you but IRL I am a clinical social worker in private practice seeing children and adolescents for over ten years in family and indiviual therapy.
It must be very hard for you to have to go through this. I know you are in mama bear mode now, as you should be. However, what Robin and others said above has a lot of truth to it. I know the professionals around you agreed this is not typical but please consider that this can be within the scope of normal behavior for a curious, exploring 5 yrd old ho hasn't yet been taught basic sexual boundaries by his parents. It also could absolutely be a sign of sexual abuse of the child, too, but I think real consideration needs to be given before labeling this guy as a sexual predator. And that is what i think giving him a RO would do.
https://nctsn.org/nctsn_assets/pdfs/caring/sexualdevelopmentandbehavior.pdf
This article is really helpful in explaining normal sexual development in kids. Good luck to you in resolving this situation.
This is an informative article too
https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/124/3/992.full
Also, I just reread your post and I do not think the school will accommodate your request to remove the boy from your sons class. I think they are being tight lipped because they don't intend to give the boy more consequences then missing recess for a week.I don't think they can justify moving him out of his class because of something that occurred with a classmates sister.
Thank you for posting this. I am astonished at some of the replies in this thread, and the original. I can certainly understand the "mama bear" mode, I've been there. I think OP and her H are making a mountain out of a mole hill, and although I do feel bad for her DD, I now feel worse for this little boy and his family. How humiliating to take something like this and drag a 5 year old through the mud over it.
This child is five? I'm all for protecting your own child and showing her that you'll go to any lengths to do so, but come on. I'd much rather spend my time and effort advocating for that little boy to get whatever help he obviously needs, than in getting a restraining order. Yanking that poor child out of his environment and making him feel like a criminal will only cause more harm than good, if indeed he's a victim of abuse.
I may not be a criminology major, but I am the parent of a child who has been raped. No one knows more about going to any and all extremes to protect their child than I do. I think you're overreacting.
I just keep thinking how easily it could have been my DD showing those kinds of behavior (so many abused children do) and how it would have been a cry for help. A response like what you're contemplating would have been so detrimental to her recovery and is the very reason why so many children are terrified to ask for help.
I know this probably seems like a flame, but really I'm just trying to show all sides of the situation. Hopefully, this child is just a typical male five year-old who is obsessed with butts, farts and all things gross, trying to look for a reaction from his friends.
I was hoping you would weigh in. Excellent and insightful points. I am so bothered by this post and what could possibly happen to that boy.
Very well said. I was hoping you would pop in and give your thoughts. I also keep thinking the bolded.
This.
Please understand I don't think anyone is trying to flame or blame you. I think people are trying to just make you look at different perspectives. I totally understand "mama bear" mode. But because of this, it could also make a person take things too far or not look at the situation clearly. Of course the issue needs to be (and was) addressed. But also consider the 2 explanations 1) The boy was sexually abused- which was addressed above. If this is the case, the possible consequences could do more harm than good. 2) The boy is just a normal, curious 5 year old boy who is obsessed with butts and curious about private parts. In this case, there is no ill intent, but prob just a huge mistake and one that hopefully will not be a huge MARKER in his life at such a young age.
I am the mother of twin boys who are 5 1/2. One of them is especially curious about private parts. He is on one hand very modest about his own private areas yet also very curious and inappropriate at times. (He doesn't touch other people and I *think he'd be too embarrassed to do so and knows it is wrong, but I can also see he is very curious and trying to understand.) Sometimes young kids do things with no impulse control even if they know it's wrong. I think and hope this wouldn't be one of them, but who can say for sure. Boys this age also love to test limits and boundaries. I can totally see how something like this *might happen and it would break my heart as a parent and all those involved.
I really don't mean to say any of this is ok or for you to ignore it, just think about it from all sides before getting in "too deep" and wishing things hadn't been taken so far.
I hope I wrote this so it makes sense. I'm not so sure I explained myself that well.