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Blended Families
MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!
SD just sent 3 pictures of GS to DH. A couple weeks ago she disowned him, told him he'd never see his grandson and that DH was a selfish SOB.
He's a cute little bugger.
I got the pictures because DH and I switched phones and phone numbers because he's taking over the business phone over now, which I had mostly and was managing, and he had a nice new HTC that will be perfect for my new job. So it just worked out and we didn't have to switch numbers. Now I'm going to get DH's texts and calls until it's all sorted out.
I showed DH and he said, "That's nice but I really don't understand why she says the things she does and then a couple weeks later it's like nothing happened. It may be awhile before I talk to her."
He's really hurt this time.
Maybe counseling will help with SD too. We'll see. I just wish SD would quit yanking us all around. We're going to have to get really serious about not playing the game this time.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!
Of course it will. I am perplexed why your H "doesn't believe" in counseling. He is a HUGE part of the problem. He is an enabler and co-dependant (not just with your SKs but with his "strays" as well). I think he's afraid to "lift the hood" on his own self.
She yanks you around because....it works! She gets the control of deciding when and under what terms you can be on speaking terms, and you/H have always gone along with it. Why would she stop?
Look - your H is afraid of being "left." That's why SD gets what she wants after she threatens to cut him off. That's why SS thought he could threaten his dad by being "out of here."That's why you can get what you want by threatening to leave him and taking the baby with you (and you are a part of the manipulation and problems, b/c threatening to leave your spouse in order to get what you want / need isn't healthy, and you knew what your H was like before you said "I do").
If your H won't go to counseling, go on your own.
Why would you be perplexed as to why my husband doesn't want to go and then give the answer in the next sentence/paragraph as to why? It's no great mystery. I know why - he's not prepared to face his issues. I've said that all along. Maybe now he is. The simple fact that he's agreed to go now is huge. If it turns out he isn't, then I know this marriage will not work and I will leave.
And I am not tossing around empty threats to leave. When DH almost backed out I did not say, "If you don't go I'll leave!" And it wasn't about therapy. THerapy came out and was agreed upon together when we were discussing how do we make this work. When I told him I would leave, it was about demanding SS get treatment or SS leaves. When DH started changing up and softening up the deal, I clearly and calmly said, "Well, if you refuse to give SS an ultimatum, then I do not see our marriage working and I do not want to raise DD in this kind of environment." He asked me if I would really leave and I looked him dead in the eye and said, "Yes. I will." He got upset but I told him DD would have a better life with me raising her alone then in a home like this and I will fight like hell for DD. It's not about me anymore - it's about her.
I have a lawyer. I seriously believed that I would have to give him a call Monday to tell him to process the paperwork. I have also been keeping my eyes out for apartments and I already have a game plan to remove the necessaries to quickly leave. So, sorry, I fail to see why this is unhealthy when I'm actually prepared to go thru with it. Yes, it took me a long time to get here, but I'm here and ready to move forward in the right direction. I'd prefer it be with DH rather than alone because I really do love my husband and he is a good father to my DD, but I guess that's the "unhealthy" Catholic in me. I don't marry and divorce on a whim. I like to fight for my marriage until I just can't anymore and I'm on the edge of can't.
If SS backs out - he's gone. If DH backs out, I'm gone. If DH and I go to therapy and we can't work out these issues and I don't see a marked change in how he deals with his adult kids...I and DD will be leaving and I will divorce him.
I'm thrilled for you that DH has agreed to go to counselling.
I'm more hopeful of your predicament now that SS has agreed to go to counselling. I still wish that he was going to addiction treatment BUT this is definitely a step in the right direction.
I think you are an incredibly strong person and I commend you for fighting for a peaceful home for you and your DD.
Addiction sucks and it is horrible the effect it has on families.
As for your SD, I'm not surprised at all. she has no understanding of her emotions or impulse control. She gets heated up and fires off (I hate you, you'll never see your GC etc), then cools down and justifies everything in her head (they called the cops, he skipped out on me as a child etc). She is a seasoned manipulator and she is not about the change because it works for her.
These are defences your step children learned to survive in the environment they grew up in.
You married into a big of old mess of a family and the only thing that can set these people straight is years of individual counselling. Without it forget it, nothing is going to change. Your DH, SS and SD will still be doing this in 20 years unless they actually get the professional help they need.
You and DD on the other are not cut from the same stone and it is your absolute job to protect your DD from this as much as possible. She does not have to grow up surrounded by drugs, legal issues, manipulators, liars and dysfunction.
If your DH reneges on going to counselling, and by the way I think you will be doing him a disservice by going with him, then it truly is time to move on and protect yourself and your child.
I genuinely hope it does not come to that for you. I know your DH has the potential to be a great father. At the very least he needs to learn to cut the strings. His other kids are all adults now.
Is he still in contact with the other two daughters that you tracked down?
We are not going to counseling as a family.
SS's is individual and he is going to get an evaluation by a professional to see if he needs to go to outpatient or inpatient treatment. From there we will see where it goes. Unless the counselor requests it, DH and I will not be a part of it, but we will be willing to if necessary.
DH and I are going to counseling to learn how to deal with his SK's and work on our marriage. I don't know if it will be together or seperate or both - I am letting the professional decide what is needed.
DH is still in contact with his other two daugthers but it's less and less. He calls, they rarely answer. They call when they want to. It's pretty much on their terms.
You are right about SD. DH has decided to continue to send gifts, cards, etc. to GS, but is not engaging SD. We have no plans to contact her and we are just going to leave it be. If SD refuses gifits, we will stop and start adding the $$ we normally would purchase gifts with and just add it into the child's savings account that we've started for him. SD does not know we've started one and she will never know until GS is 18 and he chooses to tell her. If SD calls, DH does not know yet that he cares to talk to her, but at some point I am sure he will.