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Blended Families
TheBuddha
member
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~
Any military blended families out there?
TheBuddha
member
DH is in the Army National Guard. He drills one weekend a month and has a 2 week training in the summer.
His unit has been put on alert for a deployment to Afghanistan in August. We spent 2 1/2 years and $30K in court fighting for custody of SS. He has lived with us since January of 2011. The reasons we won custody was because BM is living with her parents, not working, sharing a bedroom and a bed with SS, and she hadn't enrolled him in kindergarten.
When SS moved in with us it was the middle of 2nd grade. He was really struggling in school (apparently kids learn ALOT in kindergarten now, fine motor skills, sight words, all kinds of stuff). We worked really hard to get him where is he now (finally testing at district level in reading and math) and continue to work hard. We pay a private tutor once a week and work with him daily on assignments and reading.
If DH deploys in August, will SS automatically go back to BM? There is nothing about it in their CO, but she does have first right of refusal if DH has an overnight drill weekend on our weekend. BM has the right to come pick up SS for the weekend if DH will be out of town all weekend.
Anyone have any experience with this? Or any knowledge of it? We would hate to lose everything we have gained if SS goes back to live with BM.
My birthson who came before I was ready. He doesn't call me mom but I love him just the same. ~7/10/99~This discussion has been closed.
Re: Any military blended families out there?
If I was your H, I'd be pulling to go back to court. Sounds like she would be able to take him, and it sounds like that would be really bad.
Good luck!
I am surprised that with all that time fighting in court and knowing that DH could be activated this wasnt an issue that was addressed before.
Ok, that being said I would look into adding a stipulation to your CO saying that SS would remain in your care and that BM is still welcome to whatever visitation you have in place already. I would imagine this would be in the best interest of SS since he is in school already and has some stabilization. Also, I would look into a stay of proceedings. DH filed one with the courts and nothing could be done with his case number until he returned from deployment.
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
DH is in the Air National Guard, but we are able to schedule our visitation around drill weekends/trips.
Unfortunately, one of his co-worker's situation sounds exactly like what you are about to go through. They had just been awarded custody when his unit deployed. They had to give custody back to their BM for the duration of the deployment as well as the period after. If they wanted to get full custody back, they would have to go through the court battle again. Because of finances, they were not able to.
I do not know many of their details, but I would think that maybe if you have a good lawyer you could arrange for custody after your DH returns? It sucks that after all that our service-members do for us that they get effed over like this. I hope you guys are able to come to an arrangement that works best for your SS, it sounds like he's thriving with you guys.
Thank you for the advice. I googled this and it talks about halting a trial. We are done with trial, custody became permanent on Oct 3 2011. In Illinois the respondant(BM) is not allowed to take the petitioner (DH) back to court for 2 years after the final decision. Maybe that has some impact on it? Can DH have custody whether he is in the country or not?
We are not currently in court for any reason and had not planned on going back. We still owe several thousand dollars to our lawyer and the guardian ad litem.
We used the stay of proceedings for a child support issue and it can be used in any civil matter. As far as legal explained it to me was that a stay of proceedings can postpone a civil matter (divorce, cs, custody) but cannot postpone any criminal charges.
BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012
BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013
There have been a number of stories about military members losing custody of their children while they were deployed. I would talk to your JAG asap and if they can't help with custody matters speak with a family law attorney, preferably one who specializes in military matters.
A stay of proceedings is not relevant in this case. A stay will halt any proceedings that are currently pending, such as hearings. There are no hearings on the calendar so there is no reason for a SOP. You would want to immediately file for a Stay of Proceedings if you retained custody and she filed for custody based on the bio-parents deployment. In that case you DON'T want a hearing or proceedings.
What you do want is clarification of the custody order to permit SS to remain with you as the custodial step and partner to the bio-father who is enlisted and scheduled for deployment at a future date. You need clarification before he goes or bio-mom can argue for custody as the remaining bio-parent in the ConUS. You may or may not even be entitled to visitation without clarification of the order. Or you want to lay low if you think mom won't come after you for custody while your H is deployed.
For example:
https://www.totaldivorce.com/news/articles/children/military-child-custody-dilemma.aspx
https://family-law.lawyers.com/child-custody/Child-Custody-Issues-Involving-the-Military.html
https://www.parentdish.com/2008/01/15/military-deployment-and-child-custody/
https://www.armytimes.com/community/ask_lawyer/offduty_askthelawyer_070909/
You are going to need to talk to your civlian Lawyer, because all JAG can do is point you to SCRA. And while SCRA is supposed to protect your DH, custody cases are on a STATE level....and many lawyers and courst do not understand this very vague law.
Yes, you can have your DH's command and lawyer ask for a stay in the proceedings until your DH returns (that is if the case starts or runs into his deployment). But given the "best interests" of a child ARE NOT THE SAME as holding off on a bankruptcy or car crash case....the Judge may not listen.
They just do not interpret SCRA as pertaining to custodial law.
SO, if your BM has right of first refusal...and you were never written into the CO you are SOL.
Call your lawyer.
not to be snarky at all but I personally can't imagine that you guys spent all that money in court and didn't clarify something like him getting deployed and how that would play out.
even if DH's deploymet gets cancelled, I think you guys still need to modify the CO. perhaps you can just add the stipulation in mediation and don't need to go the full lengths of going back to court.
either way contact your attorney ASAP
This isn't snarky, this is a good point. The judge gave BM everything she asked for except custody. He really favored her, even though the guardian ad litem kept insisting it was not a good environment. He doubled her summer visitation and added Monday's off of school to her weekends. DH just wanted custody, so gave up fighting over the little things.
When it came to the first right of refusal, DH was pretty sure that if he brough up a deployment the judge would insist SS goes back with BM, so he didn't even bring it up. We were hoping to eventually file in our county (BM lives 70 miles away, so we had to go to court there), b/c SS now lives here. With a new judge we were hoping to get some things changed...especially considering she is in the bathroom while he showers, rubs his body with oil (she insists he has a serious skin condition) and then sleeps in the same bed with him. SS has voiced that he doesn't like it, but is too scared to speak up to her.
Thanks for all the advice. DH is waiting to talk to JAG and he keeps thinking that JAG is going to save him. But I am prior service and I have had experience with my soldiers and JAG and have found that often you have to take care of these things yourself. I will advise him to put in a call to his attorney and ask his opinion.