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Success after IF
DavezWife
member
Moms of 2+ (esp with greater age difference)
DavezWife
member
I'm getting pretty emotional over the fact it's mere days/weeks until Ava's not my only child. For 4 years, it's just been me and my little buddy.... 100% attention on her. I find myself circling around saddness, falling even deeper in love with that kid, to being downright fearful things will change "too much". I know a mom's heart splits in two when you have more kids, I'm not worried about loving these bab(ies). Obviously we've waited a LONG time for this day, and Ava 's life will be richer for having sibling(s) in it.
But I'm just grieving the loss of this relationship we have, and she's going no where, lol.
Normal, I presume? How's it on the other side?
Join us - Commit Random Acts of Kindness, and say
"I did it for Cricket"
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Moms of 2+ (esp with greater age difference)
I am TOTALLY feeling the same things -- DD has been my one and only for over 4 years -- she will be 4 years 10 mos when this baby comes and it is such a strange concept for me to grasp.
We, too, have waited SO long to give her a sibling.
TTC #2 since June '08
~*DD 10.21.07*~
dx unexplained
IUI #1-4 BFN
IVF#1 June 2011 BFN
IVF#2 Dec 2011
Beta#1 12/21 : 812 Beta#2 12/23 : 1634
EDD 8/25
*PAIFW/SAIFW*
With less than a month to go, there is certainly part of me who wants to get this baby out and start the next chapter in our lives. But I also feel like things are going to change a lot for him and I worry about that. I guess there isn't much that can be done to prepare him - more than talking about it and reading lots of "big brother" books.
He told me the other day that Daniel is going to walk through the front door. And he's going to play toys with him. Maybe he would give him Jame (from Thomas and Friends) to play with.
I guess he has a lot to learn about babies!
I could have written this post. I am waiting for the responses. Everyday when DS and I are hanging out and playing and he comes over and talks tot he baby or kisses the baby. I think about how different our lives are going to be.
Yikes even typing about it is making me emotional.
I can only relate in a very hypothetical, imaginary sense - but some of my fears over the same thing kept me from TTC #2 for a long time. I absolutely love my relationship with MY little buddy - and I like our little trio of a family. I love all the attention I can give him - the snuggles at night - the laser focus on just him, lol! But I have come to a place where I feel like once he's 4 years old (and if I get pregnant anytime soon, that's how old he'd be when baby would be born) - well at 4 I think he will really not be a baby anymore - and so a new baby won't step on his toes in that regard. He will have been lavished with attention through all his baby and toddler years -- and I think at 4 -- would make a great big brother. I actually feel like it would be the perfect spacing for us, the way we operate. And probably a good thing to get some of that laser focus OFF of him - so I don't totally smother/mother him... But I don't know how our story will end, so we'll see. If no new baby - well then he'll just have to deal with me on his own - ha!
In your case - your relationship with Ava is CEMENTED in stone. The amazing 4 years you've had can never go away - they exist - they happened - you guys are thick as thieves. Your relationship with her will grow bigger as she becomes an awesome big sister and helps you with your babies. You will fall in love with her all over again when you see how proud she is of HER new babies.
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
I think it's very normal -- I felt the same way and see other posters are having similar feelings as you. There are 3 years between my two girls so I think we were kind of in a similar place. I don't have any great advice (wish I did) but will tell you that after DD2 arrived, those thoughts and feelings of sadness about losing any special, unique one-on-one type relationship went away pretty quickly. Maybe it's partly b/c I feel like I really took the time to treasure it before our 2nd was born....I think anyone that is conscious of feeling this way is probably taking the time to appreciate it now.
Also, I felt like some of the one-on-oneness that DD1 and I had went away gradually after DD2 was born (vs immediately). Obviously when DD2 was born, things changed but given that she napped a lot and wasn't really so conscious of things around here immediately (as babies are), it still felt like it was just me and DD1 a lot of the time (does that make sense??). Since babies are such blobs (for lack of a better word) for so long, I do still feel like it sort of makes the adjustment gradual vs. overnight. Of course, there are lots of overnight changes like that you're feeding a baby which can impact your older child but I guess I feel like we also still had a fair amount of "just us" time.
Plus, one thing I have LOVED about having a bit of a difference between my kids is that my older daughter truly understood she was getting a little sister and has really loved being the "big sister". It has been amazing to watch and I love how much she loves her little sister.
ETA: I also hold the time I had alone with DD1 for her first 3 years as so special. I know it won't be something she remembers at all but the fact that I had the one-on-one time with her while she was a young toddler is something I will always hold close to my heart.
and cue the tears some more....
lol......
Not a big age difference but I feel compelled to answer.
I think it's TOTALLY normal.
I cried all the way to my scheduled section for the exact reason you stated. I knew when I walked out of that house that our time as "best buddies" was over. Sounds dramatic but that's exactly how I felt. Your use of the word "grieving" was spot on for me.
The other side? Not at all what I thought it would be. I didn't walk back thru that door with a baby in tow and feel swallowed by a wave of guilt or loss. I was nervous and overwhelmed but I was also very excited to give them to each other and be able to watch as it all unfolded in front of me.
The baby slept plenty those first few weeks and I found myself actually focusing more 1:1 attention on him than I actually did before when I was huge pregnant and desperate to put him in front of any activity that would let me rest for a moment. I was tired and we did a lot of sofa time but honestly I think it was exactly what he needed - extra snuggles, book reading, etc.
Were there times where I felt like I was short changing D? Sure. There's only so much of you to go around and babies are demanding but just like with everything else in parenting you figure out what works and how to meet everyone's needs (including your own).
I think having a boring pregnancy, simple delivery and healthy baby is a life changing experience on a grand scale and brings with it all kinds of change, anxiety and emotions. I think adding that to an existing child is more challenging because you feel like you have more balls in the air. You are light years away from being described as a boring pregnancy so I'm sure all of the emotions that are normal have to be compounded for you - big time.
Consider too that you're swimming in hormones and that process will crater in a big way on the other side so expect plenty of reflection, love, guilt, etc. I had one of the biggest cries of my life 2 weeks after Jace was born and believe it or not it was a "we are so blessed and I am so lucky and in love" thing instead of any kind of guilt. Seriously couldn't stop crying. Massive hormone dump. Scared the bejezus out of DH.
Also consider that you will be awash in so many emotions with the challenges that lie ahead in juggling everyone's needs (including your own) where Cricket is concerned.
You are and always have been strong, T. It will be challenging and hard but you will get thru it. Your daughter will see her mother survive and then thrive and she will be better for the life lesson. Never doubt that she's gonna come thru all of this just fine.
You will still be close to her. In fact you may well find that you grow closer to her as another little person who is so different from her only serves to magnify all that's unique about her that you love and cherish.
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
It is so very, very normal. Obviously Ava was much younger when the twins were born, but I went through the same thing -- I considered it a type of grieving, actually. To be honest, I even worried about/doubted my ability to love the twins as much as I love Ava, even though I knew (hoped?) that it would just happen. I cried and cried many times that I was taking away Ava's "babyhood" and that she wasn't going to get any attention.
Of course I loved the twins from the second I knew I was pregnant with them, and I was smitten with them when they were born. The fierce "mama bear" protective instinct kicked in quickly, too, and I would have given my life to protect them. But it took us a little longer to bond -- it was not instantaneous as it was with Ava. The first few weeks were difficult on all of us, although Ava really did handle the changes very well, considering. It was a big adjustment for everyone, and we were learning how to go from a family of 3 to a family of 5.
Two years out, though, I can say with certainty that giving Ava her sisters was the best give we could have given her. She is more independent, patient, kind, and giving because of them. She adores her role as "big" girl and takes the role of sister seriously. She likes to teach them things and of course loves to play with them. Now, in looking back, it doesn't seem that anything has been "taken" from her -- but SO much has been added to her life. And the time she gets alone with mommy and daddy is very special now - I know we all appreciate it that much more.
I know my kids are close together, so I imagine my feelings would have been more magnified if Anna had been my one and only for even longer. I had the same feelings, especially near the end of my pregnancy. And while I immediately fell head over heels in love with Harrison (with Anna, i needed a few days before those gushy feelings showed up), I won't lie. I dealt with A LOT of guilt in the first few weeks/month. Guilt that I couldn't give her the same attention (magnified by the fact that she was getting an EI eval at the same exact time) and guilt that Harrison wasn't getting the same attention as a newborn that Anna did. I cried a lot, despite feeling that my heart was going to burst with love. I just kept telling myself that the temporary increase in TV and quick/easy fixes for meals, etc. as we survived the first weeks after he was born would do no long term harm. And that a sibling is what we wanted most of all for them, so this was going to have to happen at some point. I knew they would enrich eachother's lives, even if I felt like I was failing both of them at the time.
And now, almost 3 months in, things are SO much better. We all found our new normal, the guilt is gone, and there is more love in our home than ever. 100% worth it, for everyone. So while, for me at least, the first several weeks were rough and came with a lot of complex feelings and guilt, it didn't last. At the moment, I can confidently say our family has never been more awesome.
Because we're fancy like that.
I'm sitting at work and you all are making me cry. All throughout my IF dificulties, the one thing I wanted more than a baby for me and DH was a sibling for DD. As much as I know her life will change drastically (she's a typical attention hogging only child!) I want so much for her to experience something like what I have with my sister. So sure, I'm scared as to how things will effect her, and I worry she'll feel neglected at first, (and I'm already experiencing the additional TV time because I'm so tired all the time) but DH and I have already discussed how we're going to make a special effort to help her feel she still has special time with both mommy and daddy.
and now i'm crying even more...
lucikly i sit in a cubicle in the corner!
Paige was very young with her brothers were born, but I felt like I should answer.
When I was pregnant with the boys, I knew I loved them, sure, but it wasn't the same as I felt about Paige. I would say things like, "those boys are just going to have to be okay playing in the bouncers while I play with Paige. And they will just have to cry if Paige needs something and they also need something." Then the instant they were born, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was CRAZY for my little boys. I never wanted to put them down.
I don't feel like we took anything away from Paige by having 2 more kids. Quite the opposite, in fact. We are a family. She has 2 more people to kiss goodnight. 20 more toes to tickle. And now that they are old enough and play with her! FORGET about it! She loves it. I know she loves having brothers.
Sure, we have moments of jealousy. "mommy, put Braley down, please!" stuff like that. But it is making her a better person. I know this.
cue my tears also --
and thank you for sharing your stories. i am truly having extreme anxiety about this. DD and I do everything together. DH works a lot and is gone a lot so we have had quite a bit of time together.
And like you ladies have all said it is time that I truly cherish more than anything in this world and I know I will remember forever.
DD is just so very excited to be a big sister and is so inquisitive about the baby and cant wait to help out and this makes it all so much more exciting for me because I know she will be amazing.
TTC #2 since June '08
~*DD 10.21.07*~
dx unexplained
IUI #1-4 BFN
IVF#1 June 2011 BFN
IVF#2 Dec 2011
Beta#1 12/21 : 812 Beta#2 12/23 : 1634
EDD 8/25
*PAIFW/SAIFW*
So totally normal.
I have a much smaller age gap, but I remember crying on the way to the hospital not from labor pains, but from the fear of changing DD's life so completely. But you know what, it has been SO wonderful to see DD and DS play together, grow together, cause trouble together
They love each other SOOOOO much and I'm so glad they have each other.
Sure things change, but life brings changes all the time and this will be a change for the better in the end.
I think I had a little bit of reverse feelings before DS2 came. I was so worried that he wouldn't have enough time alone with me. We'd like 3 children so I felt like I knew I was giving birth to my middle child, the one who would always have to share me and never have any alone with us time. DS1 had 3.25 yrs alone with us in the beginning and if we do get a 3rd, that child will have a few yrs at the end with us when the older boys are off to college. DS2 will always have to share his time in our house with another sibling.
I do agree with PP about it being a gradual transition, still having lots of one on one time with your daughter while the babies are napping. IMO babies don't really develop a personality right away, so it takes a while to get to know them. You'll still have your inside jokes with your daughter, but you will begin to form new ones that include the babies.
An advantage to having an older child with the arrival of new babies is that she's ready for school; she's ready to go off and have some big girl fun of her own. She doesn't need you as much as she did before and it is a healthy time for her to be making bonds beyond you and your H. When you think about it, it is really perfect timing!
Plus with her off on her own adventures that gives you more one on one time with the new babes. Good all around!
"I was also very excited to give them to each other and be able to watch as it all unfolded in front of me."
Crying pregnant lady here. Every time I worry about having less time to spend with my son (we have such fun now, and I know things will get hard again after baby is here), I think about how grateful I am for my brother, and how much fun we had growing up.
And he's one of my "rocks" now as an adult. I want that for DS and DD, so much.
I am thankful every day for my miracle after infertility.
And thrilled to be pregnant again after FET!
I found that things didnt really change all that much when we had DD. DS was getting older and needing me less (though not necessarily wanting me less if that makes sense), so it was really a fairly easy transition.
And on the other hand, babies dont need much really and an easy going baby needs even less. There were times that I felt like she was "neglected" more than he was because he was able to be more vocal with his wants/needs.
I see so many parents get really anxious about this transition but honestly, it was such an easy and natural transition for us that I wonder what all the fuss is about. Of course, every family is different and all kids are different. But I bet that she will surprise you with how flexible she is.
-----Lisa-----
No advice on the other side, but just wanted to say I totally know how you feel. Those feelings have actually made me not want to TTC #2 yet. We need to move for more space, I could lose a few more pounds, etc too, but that's far and away the #1 reason. DS loves other kids and I know would be the best big brother, but I don't want him to feel slighted in any way. It's my biggest fear. We are so close and it would kill me if he felt that way.
It's good to know those feelings don't need to totally go away for me to TTC again. And from how you've described Ava, she's going to be an amazing big sister and biggest helper!
I am bawling. I have so much mommy guilt BUT you guys make me feel like its going to be ok. I was 15 months old and 13 years when my brothers were born so get the fact it's gonna be alright.
Ava is gonna be a rockstar big sister! Mommy's little helper!
Totally 100% completely normal. There will be a transition time but you will realize your heart never split in two, you grew a second or third heart. you will love all of your children equally, yet, differently.
m/c August 2007 - Blighted Ovum
Sean - Our IUI/Injectable miracle born Oct. 5, 2008.
Liam - Our second miracle born July 16, 2010
Haven't read all of the responses, but I say, yes, it's normal. It's hard on the other side, but not for the reasons you think. Yes, your heart opens up to allow love for another (I think this is amazing!), but realize that they are different children at different stages - loving a baby is much different from loving a preschooler. They have such different things to offer too. And the preschooler will likely be a challenge when the babies come long, so that makes it a little easier to love the new ones.
Also be prepared for some Daddy preference for a while. It's hard but understandable.
LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
Life is beautiful!
Just read the other respones...interesting how some felt a bond sooner with their first, and some sooner with their 2nd. For me it was the latter. Not sure why, but it took a while for me to feel connected to Cal, and for Finn it happened pretty quickly. I also felt/feel bad for Finn moreso than Cal when I can't focus on him the way I need to, I guess because a) he's needier than Cal was as a baby, and b) if he's crying it's so hard to ignore. But if they both need you at once, someone's going to have to be ignored for a bit, and it's all about which one needs you immediately. There have been times (like when Cal pooped his pants and had it all over him) that Cal needed my attention first, even though Finn was screaming in his bouncy seat - and that's really hard for me, because it kills me to hear my newborn cry. I guess what I'm trying to say is you may find that when the babies are here (I choose to believe they will both be in your life!) you'll feel worse for them than you do for Ava, where right now you're thinking more about Ava and how it will impact her (understandably).
LO #1 - 1 unmedicated/self-monitored IUI w/ donor sperm.
LO #2 - 1 m/c, 2 BFNs, 4th IUI worked (unmedicated/self-monitored with new donor sperm).
Life is beautiful!
NORMAL...even though the boys were 17 months when A was born (actually I think for ME that was harder...i didn't have much time at all to give to JUST them), for them being younger, the other side thing was easy peasy...because they honestly had no clue what was going on, and being 2 already helped with that
The last week or so with just them i cried like a baby daily, just watching them, knowing that "our" time was gonna be up soon...but man...just you wait..Ava is gonna be such a wonderful big sister/little mommy...your love for her will just grow, and you will learn that your capacity to love has no bounds...it will be beautiful
Joey, Ronnie, and Audrey,
my awesome IUI 30 week twins, and my surprise miracle
LOVE my SAIF ladies
TTC #1: IUI #2 = BFP , Betas 550 (16 dpiui), 1523 (18 dpiui)
Hypothyroid, LPD, FSH 13.0, TTC 2 yrs B4 BFP
TTC #2: FSH 23, AMA, IUI 1, 2, 3 = BFN, IVF #1 = MC
IVF #2 = BFP - Betas 194 (14dp2dt), 366 (16 dp2dt), 841 (18 dp2dt)
(vanished twin ~7 weeks)
8.5 weeks along and I'm ALREADY worried about this! I just feel bad for Jasper that he will get the shaft, particularly with twins
More than anything I just worry/wonder how I will have ANY alone time with him ever again!
On the other hand.. it's good for kids when a sibling is born, they learn so many important life skills like "the world does not entirely evolve around you" which I'm pretty sure is his current world view
Um, AAACCCHHHOOOOOOOOSAIFVETERANISTRYINGTOSNEAKSOMETHINGBYYOUGUSYLOOK QUICK! lol.
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LOL, I think there are probably only about 10 people on here who even remember me. But it's good to be back
Whew! I cried my entire 3rd trimester bc I was grieving the end of an era with just me and DS #1. He was just shy of age 5 when DS #2 was born. I went through hell and back to give him a sibling, but felt SO torn up about how much his life would change when his little brother was born. I bawled on the way to my induction. BAWLED.
Cue DS #2's birth. Oh. My. Goodness. He was meant to be here. Part of our family. Isaac's little brother. He is a light in all of our eyes.
Seeing Henry grin up at Isaac, or Isaac kissing Henry's head, or catching Isaac's quivering chin out of the corner of my eyes when his little brother cries. Oh. My. Goodness. It's magic.
It will ALL be good. And what you are feeling is completely and totally normal.