- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Stay at Home Moms
NicoleWI
member
SAHMs with husbands who work a lot
NicoleWI
member
Our current situation really isn't working out the best for us. I'm working FT and DH owns a business, so he works long hours almost all the time plus many weekends. So, I'm often"single mom" on nights/weekends plus working FT--I feel stressed and disorganized and am totally disengaged at work. It's improving now that DS is over a year old, but it's still not great.
We are seriously considering me staying at home or getting a job with way fewer hours if we have a third child. I feel like I would LOVE this. The weekends on my own w/ the kids are crazy busy and exhausting, but I feel much happier than when I'm at work. I feel like I easily could have a "full time" schedule at home just to manage the kid stuff, the house, etc. Right now so much is rushed and we try to pack way too much into weekends.
My concern is DH being gone so much. Right now, I have an "outlet" of sorts through work, can go to lunch w/ friends, etc. I am worried about feeling isolated, frustrated, etc if I am on my own ALL the time with the kids. I would plan to find some mom groups, and have PT help--maybe a nanny one day/week or something.
If you are in this situation, how's it going for you? Thoughts or advice? TIA!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: SAHMs with husbands who work a lot
I have a very full time schedule with DD's activities, house work, a very part time job and volunteering. I will admit I feel resentful at times that my whole world does revolve around our daughter and that to have any break I have to make advance arrangements with DH or with family to take care of my LO. And if something comes up at the last minute, too bad for me. It isn't 50/50 parenting and it bothers me.
I really do enjoy being at home with DD though. We have a lot of fun together and I wouldn't trade it to go back to the office. I just do at times (this whole last month with DH OOT 5 nights a week and molars coming in) the peace I never get. For that matter I doubt it would be much different if I worked.
I worked until our oldest was 18 months. I felt like I was a single Mom with 2 incomes. DH has always worked shift work, so it's tough.
Dh usually works 4 on, 4 off. He works 12 hour shifts with a little over an hour commute. On days he works we bearly see him at all. This week he is stuck with 7 on and will get 2 off Th & F. Gotta love mandatory OT. I am the president of our local Moms Club (www.momsclub.org to fina chapter near you), but I find myself going batty when it is days inside alone (such as this weekend).
I think as long as you have someone come in one day per week, you'll be fine. My DH is currently deployed, so my sitter comes once per week for 4 hours and that saves my sanity. Our week stays pretty packed with activities: Stroller Strides, squadron play group, errands, and we can always fill in with the park or zoo.
My biggest challenge is keeping up with the housework. My kids have been clingy/teething/sick lately. Their naps haven't been overlapping, so I haven't been able to get as much done during the day. By the time their bedtime rolls around, I'm beat.
I quit work for similar reasons - DH works long hours and it was really stressful working full time and taking care of two kids. Life is so much less stressful now.
I know a lot of SAHMs do feel isolated after quitting work, but I never felt this way. With all of my kids activities, I keep really busy. Also, with all of the activities, I've met a lot of other moms.
It sounds like you already have good ideas about joining a mom's group and having someone come to help you out. Both of my kids are in preschool now and the time to myself is really nice. I usually don't do anything exciting when I'm away from them, mostly clean the house or run errands. It's simply much faster and easier to get things done when the kids aren't around.
My only concern- JUST from reading your post-
is that you already seem to resent your DH and his schedule now. What happens if it only gets worse and you resent him more- and it makes things worse instead of better for you?
What is your social network like? Your mommy network? What kind of activities do you have available at your disposal to do with your childen?
My DH works A LOT- well over 60+hrs a week- and then he is on call and often responding to his Blackberry when he IS home. I do all the meals myself, all the cleaning, shopping, errands, and I put the kids to bed myself most nights of the week.
We get out ALOT and do a ton of fun things during the week but it still all falls on me to get done-
Best advice- find a network that works for you- and communication is CRITICAL with your spouse every single day. Because something little CAN and WILL snowball quickly- esp if there is already a foundation of stress, disorganization and resentment going in to a big change such as giving up a job and SAH.
SAH is FAR from easy and rosy (I am sure you aren't expecting that) - I just wanted to throw it out there as it could make your situation even worse.
My DH left a very high stress job in June 2011. He was working 60+ hours a week, terrible hours, salary pay with no overtime, but I was able to SAHM. But I was also stressed because everything fell on me and I never got to see DH and this was all during DS's first few months of life.
He left the job and our back up plans didn't work out. He worked very part time for his dad for a few months and then finally found a full time job in a completely different field that he doesn't plan on staying in at all. The pay is incredibly low, I'm working part time and we're still not really making ends meet. But he has plans to finally finish his degree so we're trying to make the best of it right now. He gets off at the same time each night and has time with me, has consistent days off that he can spend with DS.
Anyway, I think the grass is always greener. There are times when I feel resentful now because I can't stay home with DS. I'm still alone with DS a lot during the day when I'm not working (only 2 full time days a week) and he only sees him for about an hour after work, which he's pretty tired during. He's working maintence at a car lot but is also the owner's 'everything man' so last week he was helping tear up the flooring in the man's rental property and removing fallen trees from his acerage. A few weeks back he worked a few days on the owner's turkey farm and there are times when he works late because they go out of state to buy vehicles at auctions. It would probably be different if he went to say, a desk job or something at a bank sort of thing. But there are definite drawbacks to the current situation as well. I sometimes think about 'what might have been.' I think any adjustment is hard but it really varies by the person as to which is better.
I thought basically being a single parent was too hard to handle but being on the flip side now I think this is harder. Though, this wasn't all by choice. He was basically going to be fired but decided to quit first (worst ranked store in a national chain restaurant- so everything had been wrong for years before he got there) and then our back up plans fell through. But I definitely imagined things being easier than this. I've learned I can deal with solitude and I still have to make a lot of parenting decisions on my own (DH basically just follows my lead on things like that) and would rather deal with that then the stress of incredibly tight money management.
My husband is never home before bedtime during the week... MAYBE 1x a month. He leaves at 7:20am... so the days are long. But I'm used to it and really, it throws me off a bit when he's home earlier! We have our routine and things run pretty smoothly. Some days, things are a little hairy and everything I'd like to do doesn't get done (this past week, both kids had little colds and my little guy is teething and DH had to work on Saturday so it's been a challenge and stressful!) but there's always tomorrow!
My husband loves his job and I love SAH. I have family very close and great friends to hang out with. It works for us!
Noel - August 2010
Crazy about Christmas? Check out our blog!
My good, old, rarely-updated toddler food blog
I was concerned about this also, my DH works basically noon-9pm 5-6 days a week, and he works every single weekend. I know that I would get burnt out if I was joined at the hip 24/7 to a toddler.
I have my DD in daycare 2 days a week, and I use that to get my "me time". I'm active in my local MOMS Club, I have a lot of friends with kids the same age as mine, so we always plan playdate and such. I also have memberships to all the local museums, zoo, etc, so we are never stuck at the house.
I've definetly made the choice to be the kind of SAHM that I want to be, and it's working well for me. I'm very happy with the setup that we have going, and so is DH.
Good luck to you!