maternity leave issues

liz.eckel · March 2012

my husband and i are fighting really hard with each other about how long i should take maternity. my leave will be completely without pay, no matter how long i take. he told me tonight that 4 weeks should be the maximum that i take off, barring any illness on my part that we aren't prepared for. as far as the baby goes, he thinks that if something is wrong with it, he will stay home after the 4 weeks to take care, since he gets as much paid leave as he wants.

i think this is totally insensitive and unfair, considering what i've been going through for the past 7 months, not to mention we plan on breastfeeding. i don't know how i'll be doing that while i'm working 42 hours a week (no, i do not get an hour lunch break). i'm so furious right now, i think it is the most unreasonable thing a husband could expect of his wife.

i need an opinion. hopefully a few opinions on both sides of the spectrum, because i can't see his side of it one bit, and have locked myself in the bedroom with this laptop so i can fume.

someone save me from my own anger!

laurenFaith · March 2012

He sounds pretty insensitive but it also sounds like he's thinking like a guy in terms of finances. He's stressing that paid leave will be tough for you guys. My leave will be totally unpaid as well and I know we're definitely watching our budget!

I don't know what state you're in but in NY, it's 6 weeks minimum for vaginal delivery and 8 weeks minimum for c-section. That is how long it's been determined that it takes to recover from childbirth. If I return to work before then, I'm not covered if something was to happen.

lizzymo19 · March 2012

If my husband could get the paid leave I would have him take it, and I'd go back to work. Your employer needs to provide you a time/place to pump; that's the law. However I also think 4 weeks is too short. I would try to negotiate at least 6 and if he really gets as much paid leave as wants he should be home during that time too, and maybe even some more once you've gone back to work (not if there are problems, but just for bonding/care time). If he gets paid leave, why would he go back to work and pay for daycare, when he could be on paid leave and NOT pay for daycare?

huahualove · March 2012

My doctor won't even clear me to go back to work until 6 weeks. You can tell your DH that 6 weeks is the least bit of time that almost al dr's allow.

MrsL1022 · March 2012

I think he is being really unreasonable. 4 weeks is really unrealistic to adjust to a new baby, lack of sleep and to recover from giving birth. I think you should co e up with some sort of savings plan over the next few months so that you will have a little $ tucked away for your maternity leave. Forget the physical recovery you will not be emotionally ready to go back to work FT at 4 weeks pp. I would tell your DH that drs won't clear you for normal regular activity until 6 weeks pp and 8 weeks if you have a c/s so you should use that as a minimum guideline of how much time to take off. GL I hope he comes around b/c I think he is only worrying about the financial end of things and placing unrealistic expectations on you.

jsillyfun · March 2012

Also, have you looked into state disability? If you have been working (even if your job only offers unpaid leave) you should be able to get about 6 weeks of disability from the state. Your OB just has to fill out a form for you (at least in CA, I don't know about other states). It's worth looking into. And, imo, if most doctors consider you "disabled" for 6 wks following the birth, it's unreasonable to expect you to go back before that. You should remind him that in many countries, women take 6 months to a year off and even in the US a typical maternity leave is 3 months (because of FMLA). 6 wks is really considered the bare minimum. I've also heard it takes about 6wks to really get your breastfeeding relationship properly established.

jeffsjayme · March 2012

I think he's definitely worried about money, which I can't blame him about.

How much maternity leave do you want to take? I mean, if you aren't THAT far apart in expectations, then maybe give a little bit. But if you're like months apart, then you have issues to work through.

I honestly don't think you'll know how big of a deal it is for you until you get there. I've heard of women taking a year off. I've also heard women taking just days off. Either one can be done and loved or hated.

Pdxmom73 · March 2012

My work won't even let me come back until the doctor gives me a note clearing me to come back. Since I am having a csection, that will be 8 wks but I am taking the full 12 that I am aloud to take per FMLA laws. Only 4 wks of it are paid at full rate. Then I have 50% pay under short term disability. We are going to try to tuck that money away and see if we can survive without it. If we can then I will be requesting another 90 days unpaid leave or maybe not even going back. Daycare is going to eat up a major part of my paycheck. Having 3 kids in daycare may not be worth me working but a tight budget will be needed to make it work.

So, with that being said, you need to find out if your work will even let you come back before your doc clears you to come back? If not, then your husband can't do anything about it. He is being slightly unreasonable. 2 more weeks is definitely needed.

useurname · March 2012

lizzymo19:
If my husband could get the paid leave I would have him take it, and I'd go back to work. Your employer needs to provide you a time/place to pump; that's the law. However I also think 4 weeks is too short. I would try to negotiate at least 6 and if he really gets as much paid leave as wants he should be home during that time too, and maybe even some more once you've gone back to work (not if there are problems, but just for bonding/care time). If he gets paid leave, why would he go back to work and pay for daycare, when he could be on paid leave and NOT pay for daycare?

I agree w/ this pp. Plus, you don't want to go back to soon and then get sick or something and have to stay out longer.

ames243567 · March 2012

More than likely your employer wont let you come back until you have a dr. note. Dr will not release you for work for 6 weeks with vaginal delivery or 8 for c-section. If your employer let's you come back before you are released they are subjecting themselves to risk.

yourmom5309 · March 2012

I am taking off four weeks, but that is only because I'm only getting paid for four weeks. This will be our third baby, so we need my salary to pay our mortgage, law loans, bills, and child care expenses. DH has offered for me to stay home longer and said we can make it work, but it is not worth the stress for me. However, I would have major issues if DH took the stance that yours has. Sounds like y'all need a "coming to Jesus talk." DH needs a reality check imo.

katiedhunter · March 2012

I think this is totally unrealistic. Not only for you to be ready to leave your LO but to have LO ready to be seperated from you for 8 hours a day.

weezie825 · March 2012

I think your DH is trying to think logically about what would be best financially, but isn't taking into consideration that you will still be healing at 4 weeks post partum.

Your DH needs to go with you to your next Dr appointment and hear the OB say, that they will not release you to return to work until 6 weeks after a vaginal delivery or 8 weeks after a C/S. That is the standard of care, because it takes your body that long to heal. You'll have your follow up appointment with OB at 6/8 weeks post partum and at that appointemnt they will clear you to return to work.

Heck, my mom had bladder surgery and she isn't allowed to return to work for 6-8 weeks...

FroggyFarts · March 2012

lizzymo19:
If my husband could get the paid leave I would have him take it, and I'd go back to work. Your employer needs to provide you a time/place to pump; that's the law. However I also think 4 weeks is too short. I would try to negotiate at least 6 and if he really gets as much paid leave as wants he should be home during that time too, and maybe even some more once you've gone back to work (not if there are problems, but just for bonding/care time). If he gets paid leave, why would he go back to work and pay for daycare, when he could be on paid leave and NOT pay for daycare?

This.

6 weeks it what is typically allotted for a vaginal birth. Your doctor may not even clear you for work at 4 weeks.

cloud9climber · March 2012

That is bull dookie. You should stay home at least 8 weeks. You're the Mom and you really don't get in a groove with a baby for a couple months. At 4 weeks, you'll still be exhausted.

I guess he'll be pissed if you end up with a c-section (you'll need 8 weeks to heal).

Totally unacceptable in my opinion.

Your DH does not know what's about to hit him. Having/caring for a new babe is so much harder than he thinks it's gonna be.

liz.eckel · March 2012

this was by far no demand on his part, just him saying that it was all we could afford, since i get no paid leave at all. no 4 week pay, no 6 week, no fmla.. nothing. i don't even get paid sick time at my job (the high hourly wage is supposed to reflect this. go fig.) honestly, i didn't post this to see if anyone thinks he is an a*hole or not or to have him attacked, just wanted to feel out for if i was having too high expectations for the crappy situation i'm in. this is our first, and our friends have always been lucky enough to time it well (teachers who take the whole summer as leave) or afford to just stop going to work. i think he just doesn't know what to expect. after some thinking, he looked over the finances and worked out ways to make 6 weeks work. -he'll be taking on part time hours along with his full time job. america is the worst.

lizzymo19 · March 2012

While I agree that other countries have better laws for maternity/paternity leave, really it is your employer who is the worst. Also, again I do not understand why your DH would be working if he has PAID leave. Is it not full paid leave or something? If he is covered under FMLA and has paid leave then he should be taking that time off. You probably have already done this but I would take a hard look at your expenses and see what you can trim. If you're only taking two weeks unpaid I would think there is something you can do to make it work? It doesn't seem like him getting a 2nd job is a reasonable thing to do when there will be a baby to take care of and a wife who will probably need some help at home, especially those first few weeks.

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