How to tell a friend who has experienced loss? RE: TTC

TheLuckiest77777 · February 2012

My DH and I are planning to TTC starting in the next couple of months. I have a good friend who is in a very different season of her life, and I'm nervous about what this will do to our friendship. About 18 months ago, she had a son, born at 25 weeks, who lived 13 days and then passed. This was the third child she had lost later in her pregnancy, and the first that lived for a time before passing. She has not found much healing from this yet, as she still puts his pictures all over facebook and talks about him all the time. She has two other children, ages 11 and 15. Now, she is separated from her H. She is in counseling, and she knows I'm just a phone call away when she needs to talk.

My question is, should I tell her now that I am going to try to get pg so she has time to privately absorb this and prepare for it, or should I wait until we are actually pg to tell her privately? I know either way it's going to be hard. She has a hard time with others when they have babies, so I expect her to distance herself, but I don't want to lose her friendship if I can keep from it.

In your experience, how can I be the most sensitive to her?

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · February 2012

I want to start off by saying that this is a somewhat difficult situation for everyone involved and it breaks my heart to hear of your friend's losses. I don't want to sound mean for saying this and I hope I don't offend you but honestly, you're in no position to decide whether she has or hasn't found healing. Some people find healing through a moving on of sorts and others (including myself) find healing from posting pictures, putting up pictures and talking about my son.

Now, on to your question. I actually recently experienced something similar to your situation. My husband called a very good friend of ours just to catch up and found out him and his wife are expecting. We were fine - in fact, overjoyed in hearing this news. Then we found out she's almost 5 months along. We were hurt they didn't tell us. Granted, when they first found out it was right after our loss so I could understand their stance of holding off on telling us for a little while but we're were taken aback by their inability to tell us. If it were me, I think it would be helpful for myself to know if my best friend were TTC so I could prepare myself for the news. You may want to pose it to her as "how would you feel if I told you DH and I were going to TTC?" and proceed based on her response. If she said "Oh, I think that's great!" or something to that effect, then I'd tell her up front. If she reacts with a "That would be so hard for me to deal with" then maybe just wait till you're actually PG. I don't know if that helps any.

magdalina.h · February 2012

It depends on your friendship. My best friend was trying while I was still pg with Aidan. After we lost him, some other friends told them to stop trying until I could get pg again. I told her that was ridiculous and she got pregnant about a month after we lost him. She did tell me via e-mail like I asked because I knew I would cry. I was 99% happy for her and 1% sad for me for what we lost. I was very open with her and if she talked too much about pregnancy I let her know. We are just very open and that helped us a lot. I was never bothered by my friend's pregnancies/babies, but stranger ones put me over the edge.

TheLuckiest77777 · February 2012

fluttergirlmoonchild79:
I want to start off by saying that this is a somewhat difficult situation for everyone involved and it breaks my heart to hear of your friend's losses. I don't want to sound mean for saying this and I hope I don't offend you but honestly, you're in no position to decide whether she has or hasn't found healing. Some people find healing through a moving on of sorts and others (including myself) find healing from posting pictures, putting up pictures and talking about my son.
Now, on to your question. I actually recently experienced something similar to your situation. My husband called a very good friend of ours just to catch up and found out him and his wife are expecting. We were fine - in fact, overjoyed in hearing this news. Then we found out she's almost 5 months along. We were hurt they didn't tell us. Granted, when they first found out it was right after our loss so I could understand their stance of holding off on telling us for a little while but we're were taken aback by their inability to tell us. If it were me, I think it would be helpful for myself to know if my best friend were TTC so I could prepare myself for the news. You may want to pose it to her as "how would you feel if I told you DH and I were going to TTC?" and proceed based on her response. If she said "Oh, I think that's great!" or something to that effect, then I'd tell her up front. If she reacts with a "That would be so hard for me to deal with" then maybe just wait till you're actually PG. I don't know if that helps any.

I appreciate your input. And I know everyone experiences healing differently (I'm a therapist), but she's very open in that she still feels very raw. She describes herself as a "hot mess." I wasn't saying that judgmentally at all. She's just still in a very fragile place with all of it, and I don't know the best way to proceed without making things worse for her.

Petunia844 · February 2012

While I completely understand you wanting advice on how to make this less painful for your friend, I have to say I found this post a bit odd to put on our loss board. Many of the women here are very raw as well, and we will put warnings on posts about TTC or rainbow babies so that those women do not have to read that kind of post if they aren't ready for it. If you are able to go back and edit the title that might be helpful.

As far as your friend is concerned, you know her better than we do, but if it was me I'd prefer an email like Magdalana said. My SIL told my husband she was pregnant and asked him to tell me privately so that I was free to react honestly. When he told me I cried and I appreciated having as much time as I needed to process it without having to pretend to be ok with it. I'm so sorry for her loss.

littlepenguin2012 · February 2012

I just went through this with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. She told me over dinner that she was pregnant. I am VERY happy for her, especially with the difficulties they might have had. BUT- I really wish she had told me via email first so I could have time to respond on my own. The whole dinner ended up being kind of awkward after that since I think she felt bad for telling me and I was trying to be supportive, but I think my facial expressions gave away a bit that I wasn't intending. Also- TTC is not pregnant- so I don't think you need to mention it until you are. Not to be rude, but that is my thought.

Dori722 · February 2012

I would not mention it until you actually are. I think if she still feels "raw", it's not the time to bring up that you may be pregnant soon. Let's say it takes you 6 months to get pregnant, she may be feeling a lot stronger then and then you can feel out the situation at that time.

pb127 · February 2012

Dori2011:

I would not mention it until you actually are. I think if she still feels "raw", it's not the time to bring up that you may be pregnant soon. Let's say it takes you 6 months to get pregnant, she may be feeling a lot stronger then and then you can feel out the situation at that time.

Yes I agree. Also, mentioning it indirectly (via email or her DH) seems like a kind way to go, but it depends on the person.

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