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July 2012 Moms
My mom just can't keep her mouth shut.
Ugh. My mother and I have had it out SEVERAL times during my pregnancy about things that are vs. things that are not appropriate to talk about/post on Facebook during my pregnancy. She works at a grocery store and tells practically all her customers that she's going to be a grandma and when, and how we're decorating the nursery, and on and on and on. I know she's just excited but some of the customers at the store she works at are clients at my job, and they say things like, "Your mom said your ultrasound was last week - how did it go?". I am a very private person and I don't think any of this sort of info needs to be out there. (Though this is the same woman that shared in check out line when I got my first period, so I'm really not surprised.)
Yesterday was our A/S ultrasound and she was sooooo mad that I wouldn't let her come with us. I explained to her that it was a special thing for me and my husband and that we would come over to her house right after and show her the photos. So that's exactly what we did. But she was still complaining, "[Friend]'s daughter let her go to her ultrasound! I don't understand why you won't let me come." (Her friend's daughter is no longer with the baby's father so her mom goes with her to ALL her appointments and my mother is extremely jealous of that).
ANYWAY, we found out it was a girl. I wanted my mom to feel included and I felt bad about being short with her about coming with us to the A/S, so we went to Babies R Us and bought a cute little baby dress. The whole time, she was asking if my husband was "mad" that it was a girl. Uhm? No, he's not mad...why would he be mad about it? We had a gut feeling it was a boy the whole time, but it ended up a girl - we were surprised but certainly not "mad"! I had to use the loo there (surprise, I had just had a full bladder ultrasound!) and WHILE WE WERE IN LINE waiting for the one stall bathroom, she whips out her cell starts calling people telling them it's a girl. And that my husband is "mad" about it. WTF? So I asked her to please let us tell people, since it's our news, and we weren't even sure if we were going to share it and she got all "I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT CAN I?".
So after that we checked out with the baby dress and she wanted to take a photo of it when we got home so she did that, then she posted it on Facebook - "A dress for my granddaughter, Miss Charlotte Beatrice"!!!!!!!
For goodness sakes, I had *just* told her that we wanted to share the news that the baby is a girl - PLUS we had NO INTENTION of sharing the name with anyone else until she was born. (Which we had explained to her quite a few times.)
So now DH's family is seriously pissed that they found out the gender AND the name on FB (she friends EVERYONE so they all saw it!) and DH is extremely mad that she's telling people that he is upset that the baby is a girl. He's not like that!
Anyway, I'm sorry for the length of this post. I'm a long time lurker but today I felt that I had to write and vent. 
If anyone has any advice or anecdotes I would love to read them.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: My mom just can't keep her mouth shut.
Thanks, ladies. I keep flip flopping between being hopping mad and thinking it's kind of funny - we are used to this stuff happening with her but this takes the cake. There is a lot of backstory - I had told her I was pregnant as soon as we found out but also that we didn't want it public until after the first tri - well, DH went to work the next day and one of his coworkers says, "Wow, [mom's name] is so excited about being a grandma, eh?"! Then when I called her on it she said she thought DH would have already told all of his coworkers. Yeaaaaaaah. So his whole factory knew at 6 weeks!
We have had the boundaries talk several times. Once, I even had to sit down with my dad and explain to him all the things she's doing (he doesn't ever go on facebook or anything so he didn't understand). He talked to her too, and she was good for about a month. It doesn't seem to help when DH and I talk to her and I hate going to my dad to "tattle" but sometimes it seems like the only option for our sanity.
Being that you have had the boundaries talk several times I would do one of two things from now on. With my mom due to past experience we tell all of the family before her any news about the baby. When we find out if it is a boy or a girl we will unfortunately have to tell her last because she cannot keep things off Facebook. As an example in the past year I have lost two geat uncles and I found this information out on Facebook because she posted it on there as soon as she found out. I knew they weren't doing well so it wasn't a shock, but some people unfortunately do not realize the ramifications of their actions online.
The other thing I would do is be very private about what you do share with everyone not just your mom. Unfortunately once you tell one person these days you might as well expect everyone to know. It is hard I know because I know since I am a FTM I want to share our joy with everyone, but for my husband and I some things we have decided to keep to ourselves. The finalized baby name for example we aren't announcing until the baby is born because some of my family has been critical in the past and rude regarding our choices (it isn't like were picking crazy names either). I also am having some heart issues that we are choosing not to share with family unless it becomes something they need to be aware of.
It is unfortunate your mom cannot be respectful or your wishes but it sounds like at this point talking to her again won't do any good. You need to do what is best for you, your husband, and baby not your mom.
Wow, that is just awful! I would be really upset if my mother - or anyone - did this to me. I think you know that you can't tell her anything anymore. She is clearly more interested in being the one to tell people news than she is about respecting your wishes. She sounds very selfish and immature if you ask me.
I would seriously just avoid telling her anything important. If she gets upset, you have a list of examples to back up your decision. Let her be mad. At least you maintain your privacy!
I'm really sorry. My mom was like this to a lesser extent when I was pregnant with DS1. She didn't have FB then but she told everyone she saw whatever info she knew and critiqued our name choices with them.
It wasn't as bad with DS2 because we just didn't tell her things that we didn't want known. We did make the mistake of telling the names on or short list and had to deal with her critiquing the names and sending us ones that she liked better. She (and other family members on both sides) were apparently disappointed that we were having another boy and constantly made remarks about that.
This time, we've learned. No one knows when our a/s is and we'll probably tell everyone that we didn't find out (although DH & I hope to). We've already told everyone that we have picked our names (not completely true) but that we aren't sharing because we will be deciding closer to or after LO is born. Some people were annoyed but my cousin had recently done the same thing because she hated how everyone picked on their name choice with their first.
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this exactly. it's like what you say is going in one ear, and out the other with her. holy crap would i be pissed. it's too bad that pretty much all the "big news" has been outed by her already. there isn't much more she can blab about to anyone (besides blatant lies like how your husband is mad it's a girl...WTF). i would say she is cut off. don't answer any more of her questions, dont tell her anything else, etc. it sounds SUPER harsh cause she's your mom, but WOW did she have a bajillion chances and blew them all. you simply cannot trust her anymore. of course now she'll just have sob stories to spread about how her daughter wont tell anything to her about her grandchild...ugh. sorry you are going through this. i would be spitting FIRE.
I agree, it's time she loses her security clearance; she's proven she cannot handle it. I also like Charlotte Beatrice!
I have boundary issues with my ILs too, so I can totally relate to your post. One thing I've learned is that you can't give a little hoping that will appease the person; they always want more. I'm actually kind of nervous about my ILs watching the baby because they completely disregard the rules we've imposed on our dogs. After the millionth convo DH's had with them my MIL said, "Fine, we'll try it your way." Well that would be nice since they are our dogs!
I also don't know what is so hard about keeping your mouth shut. I don't want to know the sex until its born and my DH wants to. So I said, okay, we'll compromise. We'll find out but it stays between us until the baby's born. Dh's like, "No, I know I won't be able to keep that promise." WTF?! It's not forever!
TTC since October 2009
2 failed IUIs with Clomid
IVF #1, ER 10/29/2011
ET 11/3/2011
One embryo transferred, four frozen
11/12/2011, BFP, 11/13/2011, BFP, 11/14/2011, BFP
First Beta 11/14/2011, 499
Second Beta 11/16/2011, 893
Third Beta 11/18/2011, 1510
Lost my dear husband, October 3, 2012. You are the bear of my heart dear, and nothing can take that away.
I totally feel your pain. My wedding pictures have been seen by the Admiral of the Coast Guard and some high ranking officials in the Dutch navy. Not my choice, but my MIL carried them around (still does) to show them off after the wedding. Check out clerks know way more about my life than I would prefer. Just this last week my husband had dinner with his parents at a local restaurant. He got there after my MIL and the waiter says "oh, you must be the son your Mom is so proud of". Seriously, he's 31, not 13. So I feel your pain about having a parent who overshares, even stuff that is a "secret".
My advice, it's time to cut her off. It's hard, but it's the only way for you and your DH to control what gets out. You've had conversations, expressed your desires, and she's ignored them. Then plays the victim ("I cannot do anything right!"). It's a pretty big deal to share the baby's name if you expressly said you weren't or to indicate that your DH is mad you're having a girl. I'd be hopping mad.
It's time for consequences. Stop telling your Mom stuff until you want it broadcast to the whole world. Eventually she'll probably figure out that you've cut her off. At that point she'll say something (probably get mad or sad) and you'll have to tell her that she ignored your requests not to share information so you had no choice except to cut her off. Then she might start respecting your boundaries. But until you cut off the information, she's likely to keep sharing it with whomever.
We've had to do this with my MIL. She doesn't like it, but we're making progress.
Well, an update... I emailed her yesterday morning after staying up all Sunday night stewing about it (and therefore being a ZOMBIE at work yesterday...yikes).
I basically rehashed the boundaries discussion, and that I wouldn't be telling her anything anymore, and I explained how the things she was doing were really hurting me and my husband, and that we are very private people and we would like that to be respected. Also that I needed her to stop referring to the baby by name until we can smooth over the hurt feelings of people that found out from her post. (She had posted a few things "Oh I must make this for Charlottte!" argh!)
Then a few hours later I noticed her Facebook account was deleted. I thought this was some sort of immature attention grabber again, but I called her and she acknowledged that she has a problem and needs some time away from Facebook to think about the things she says and how they affect people.There was still a lot of "I can't do anything right" in there but this is the first time she's taken anything along these lines seriously! I am hoping it is a step in the right direction but I am still going to be very selective with what I share with her.
Thanks for all of your advice. Much appreciated.