is this tacky?

LynsiBHM · February 2012

I know we love to jump on a post that gives us license to call someone tacky Stick out tongue so I will give you both sides. Let's just say you're helping settle a debate between H and I. We are starting to plan P's 1st Birthday. I love parties. I love planning, decorating, baking, entertaining, etc. BUT, I am kind of anti-huge-bash-for-a-baby. We both have big families and lots of friends with kids. If we invited everyone, there would be about 100 people (invited, so maybe idk 75 that come?) and the kids range from 3 weeks to 16yrs. I just don't want to deal with that. WTF would I do for activities, favors, etc for those ages? How would we accomodate them all? We want the party to be at our house, and I really want to be able to actually enjoy P at his party- not just entertain.

So anyway, we decided it will probably be a small party- just close family- our parents and grandparents, our siblings and our 1 niece and probably our 1 bff couple (no kids). That's still about 20 people.

The other people keep asking about the "party" and when it will be, what theme, etc. So one of us thinks we should send something out to let those people know that we aren't doing a big party and it will be immediate fam only (like an email of FB message) so they stop asking and son't think we had a party and just didn't invite them... and the other one of us thinks that's rude- like an anti-invitation and that we can just let people know as it comes up and who cares what they think..

WDYT? How would you handle it if lots of fam/friends were asking about a big party that wasn't going to happen?

HarrietNJMommy · February 2012

Yes, I think it's tacky and rude to send an email basically saying "you're not invited to the party we're having". If they ask, just say you're keeping it family only and very small........

JessesGirl&MackenziesMom · February 2012

I think it's tacky...

And I'm hoping that it was your DH's idea and not yours because I will feel bad if it was your idea and I called it tacky. Tongue Tied

MarriedLady06 · February 2012

I'd go with just telling as I was asked....

Mrs.Hizzo · February 2012

It would be very, very weird to get something in the mail telling me I wasn't going to be invited to a party. I mean, just...weird. If people ask, just say "we're not throwing a big party, we're just having some family over for cake" and leave it at that.

jnksmom · February 2012

HarrietNJMommy:
Yes, I think it's tacky and rude to send an email basically saying "you're not invited to the party we're having". If they ask, just say you're keeping it family only and very small........

This

LynsiBHM · February 2012

Mrs.Hizzo:
It would be very, very weird to get something in the mail telling me I wasn't going to be invited to a party. I mean, just...weird. If people ask, just say "we're not throwing a big party, we're just having some family over for cake" and leave it at that.

YESSSS!!!!! RIGHT?

H told me that since I am the one that doesn't want the big party, then it's my responsibility to tell the people that are expecting an invite that we're not having a big party. He's afraid they will go buy gifts in advance and then he'll feel bad. He's like, "just send an email" LOL Yes, let me send them somethiing saying "we don't want you to come over on Saturday!"

I said, first of all, if they are expecting an invitation, that's not my problem. It's not as if i've led them on thinking we're throwing something. People just assume that everyone does a huge thing for their kids' first. To send an anti-invitation is just rude, IMO. And if they have gifts and then don't get invited, they can return them, regift them, save them or give them to him later if they still want to.

I feel like it's no biggie to just mention to individual people that we're just doing a family dinner and cake type thing. Would any of you be offended by this? (family and best friends excluded- because those people will be invited)

McAllie5 · February 2012

LynsiBHM:
Mrs.Hizzo:
It would be very, very weird to get something in the mail telling me I wasn't going to be invited to a party. I mean, just...weird. If people ask, just say "we're not throwing a big party, we're just having some family over for cake" and leave it at that.

YESSSS!!!!! RIGHT?

H told me that since I am the one that doesn't want the big party, then it's my responsibility to tell the people that are expecting an invite that we're not having a big party. He's afraid they will go buy gifts in advance and then he'll feel bad. He's like, "just send an email" LOL Yes, let me send them somethiing saying "we don't want you to come over on Saturday!"

I said, first of all, if they are expecting an invitation, that's not my problem. It's not as if i've led them on thinking we're throwing something. People just assume that everyone does a huge thing for their kids' first. To send an anti-invitation is just rude, IMO. And if they have gifts and then don't get invited, they can return them, regift them, save them or give them to him later if they still want to.

I feel like it's no biggie to just mention to individual people that we're just doing a family dinner and cake type thing. Would any of you be offended by this? (family and best friends excluded- because those people will be invited)

I wouldn't be offended if I was told that, but if I were you I might word it differently, such as "we're just doing a low key thing" or "we don't want to overwhelm the baby with a big party". If you say "it'll be family" to someone who is family but not invited, they might be offended. But you know the people and how they're likely to react.

lilone_06 · February 2012

HarrietNJMommy:
Yes, I think it's tacky and rude to send an email basically saying "you're not invited to the party we're having". If they ask, just say you're keeping it family only and very small........

Yes! OMG! Please don't send an email to this effect. That is soooo awkward.

babypuplove · February 2012

LynsiBHM:
Mrs.Hizzo:
It would be very, very weird to get something in the mail telling me I wasn't going to be invited to a party. I mean, just...weird. If people ask, just say "we're not throwing a big party, we're just having some family over for cake" and leave it at that.

YESSSS!!!!! RIGHT?

H told me that since I am the one that doesn't want the big party, then it's my responsibility to tell the people that are expecting an invite that we're not having a big party. He's afraid they will go buy gifts in advance and then he'll feel bad. He's like, "just send an email" LOL Yes, let me send them somethiing saying "we don't want you to come over on Saturday!"

I said, first of all, if they are expecting an invitation, that's not my problem. It's not as if i've led them on thinking we're throwing something. People just assume that everyone does a huge thing for their kids' first. To send an anti-invitation is just rude, IMO. And if they have gifts and then don't get invited, they can return them, regift them, save them or give them to him later if they still want to.

I feel like it's no biggie to just mention to individual people that we're just doing a family dinner and cake type thing. Would any of you be offended by this? (family and best friends excluded- because those people will be invited)

You are right, your husband is wrong. Plain and simple. As for the gifts they may buy, so what? They can still give him a gift for his first birthday the next time they see him. Trust me, I don't think many people outside of the grandparents whom you are already inviting would be heartbroken that they aren't invited to a 1st birthday party.

littlemermaid · February 2012

The "your not invited" email would be totally tacky. When people ask then that's the opportunity to let them know that you are just having a small gathering with immediate family at the house. If they buy a gift then they can come visit the birthday boy on a different day to bring the gift.

I also think your husband is being unreasonable and a bit immature laying the responsiblity all on you. He's trying to make you the bad guy in all this and that's just not right.

hellopoppyseed · February 2012

I really think you should invite the small party people and then anyone else who is asking about it. They obviously care a lot so just invite them. I wouldn't assume it will turn into a huge event. All kinds of people bail at the last minute for whatever reason. Invite people who want to come.

MamatoJackson · February 2012

hellopoppyseed:
I really think you should invite the small party people and then anyone else who is asking about it. They obviously care a lot so just invite them. I wouldn't assume it will turn into a huge event. All kinds of people bail at the last minute for whatever reason. Invite people who want to come.

I agree with this. It may not be as bad as you think. We had 45 on our invite list (mainly family) and I think 27 were able to attend.

LynsiBHM · February 2012

MamatoJackson:

hellopoppyseed:
I really think you should invite the small party people and then anyone else who is asking about it. They obviously care a lot so just invite them. I wouldn't assume it will turn into a huge event. All kinds of people bail at the last minute for whatever reason. Invite people who want to come.

I agree with this. It may not be as bad as you think. We had 45 on our invite list (mainly family) and I think 27 were able to attend.

My issue is, the people that are asking about it are basically: a cousin of H with 4 kids (who's sister has 2 kids and I couldn't invite one without the other) so that's 10 extras right there if their hubbies come too. Then there's a few friends asking- one with older kids (like jr high- HS age) and a few with younger kids (like 4ish-10ish?) Then 2 older girlfirends with no kids that just love kids and kid parties (they are BSC haha) and they are part of a larger group of friends that may or may not want to come. I'd feel awkward inviting them without inviting the whole group.

We did the list and it's legit 100 ppl. Hopefully at least 20-30 won't attend but I don't even want 40, 50, 60 ppl. We live in a very average sized house and it will be the beginning of April, so we can't count on going outdoors (nor would I want to- the center of the yard is a patio and pool (that's obviously covered) and the lawn and landscaping are a mess and not ready for Spring yet.

We have a large family room and playroom where we had a group of friends over for the superbowl. This room was literally just finished a few months ago (new drywall, floor, etc- totally new) and is currently setup for a baby (because that's what we have! LOL) The older kids TRASHED it. They were pretty well-behaved but we still ended up with dings and dents in the floor and walls, broken and damaged toys/furniture, etc. We're not really "set up" to entertain all ages.

I really just want the immediate families. Then we can all enjoy the birthday boy and focus on him without wrangling 20 kids, ya know? There would be one or 2 other kids here and I'd be able to make fun personalized goody bags for them. (i'm not willing to do that for a large group of all ages.)

H's thing is, he doesn't "get" birthday parties. He doesn't think we need favors, games, any type of structure. He thinks some food and cake and balloons are fine, and just let all the kids run around crazy. I mentioned trying to find an activity for ages 0-16 and he said "pin the tail on the donkey?" and he was dead serious Indifferent

I think i'm going to just invite who we REALLY WANT to be here. I'll handle the others as they ask and just say we're not having a party (call it a family dinner or something.. just grandparents..?) Maybe we'll just throw a random kids pool party in the summer (non-bday related obviously) so all the kids can pin the tail on my jackass of a hubby.

LOL. I kid- he's awesome. He just doesn't get it sometimes!

ijustcantthinkrightnow · February 2012

LynsiBHM:

Mrs.Hizzo:
It would be very, very weird to get something in the mail telling me I wasn't going to be invited to a party. I mean, just...weird. If people ask, just say "we're not throwing a big party, we're just having some family over for cake" and leave it at that.

YESSSS!!!!! RIGHT?

H told me that since I am the one that doesn't want the big party, then it's my responsibility to tell the people that are expecting an invite that we're not having a big party. He's afraid they will go buy gifts in advance and then he'll feel bad. He's like, "just send an email" LOL Yes, let me send them somethiing saying "we don't want you to come over on Saturday!"

I said, first of all, if they are expecting an invitation, that's not my problem. It's not as if i've led them on thinking we're throwing something. People just assume that everyone does a huge thing for their kids' first. To send an anti-invitation is just rude, IMO. And if they have gifts and then don't get invited, they can return them, regift them, save them or give them to him later if they still want to.

I feel like it's no biggie to just mention to individual people that we're just doing a family dinner and cake type thing. Would any of you be offended by this? (family and best friends excluded- because those people will be invited)

I totally agree with you FWIW... plus not to mention I think it's tacky that people try to "invite" themselves to parties... We dealt with the same thing for the twins 1st birthday party. Someone I haven't talked to in over a year emailed me and point blank asked what day their party would be...

MaxandRuby · February 2012

If it were me, as people asked me about the party I would simply tell them that you are doing a family only party this year. If anyone questions you can always offer up the excuse of space limitations or something.

It is nice that so many people want to celebrate your child's birthday but no one should just assume a big party will be had and a million invites handed out.

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