I'm scared that I will never be a mom (long morning ramble)

delino · February 2012

I am not looking for you to answer these questions, but as I sit and sip my coffee, this is what is going through my head....

How do I shake this overwhelming fear that this will never happen? That I will have gone through multiple failed pregnancies, spent significant amounts of time and money and never have a little one. How am I supposed to go foward with IVF and the committment it entails when I have little to no faith in my body? Three pregnancies and I never even missed a period. This last one, my FF chart didn't even indicate that I could be pregnant. It's like my body doesn't want to be pregnant or do the right thing.

These experiences have tested my faith in my body, my faith in god. With each pregnancy I have told myself that my grandparents, family, family friends, friends, etc. whom have passed, are looking down on me won't let me go through this all again. But alas, I am wrong...it keeps happening. Are they telling me to give up? Are they telling me that it just isn't meant to be? How hard am I supposed to fight and for how long? How is it that for 2 years we did nothing to prevent getting pregnant and then 3 times in 8 months we get pregnant. What does it mean?

I have so many questions....how do I get the answers? If I could just get the answer I would be able to do what I need to do with peace. I could move on with my life and plan a future without children. OR I could move foward with IVF with full faith and an open heart.

Yes, this is some insight into my head....does your head hurt? Mine does.

Here is a breakfast treat for you just for being the loving people that you are:

Some coffee:

And a nice home cooked breakfast:

smcjmk09 · February 2012

I'm sorry you're having a rough morning, Delino I don't have any wise words to make it all better, but I'm sending big hugs.

kate6267 · February 2012

HUGS! Just big huge hugs Delino. I guess What I have learned through the past year going through losing Emily and 2 early miscarriages is that nothing in life is guaranteed yet I am still willing to keep trying and keep going because while maybe my body will cooperate I am still not able to accept a life with out children.

atmidwoodtobe · February 2012

I wish I had the words to say to make all of our hurt go away forever.

I am so sorry you are having a rough morning. **HUGS**

delino · February 2012

kate6267:
HUGS! Just big huge hugs Delino. I guess What I have learned through the past year going through losing Emily and 2 early miscarriages is that nothing in life is guaranteed yet I am still willing to keep trying and keep going because while maybe my body will cooperate I am still not able to accept a life with out children.

Thank you. It's not that I'm looking to give up just yet. I just wish I could know if it was going to pay off.

I know there is no way to know and I will keep going...for now. I'm not depressed, just overthinking and overanalyzing. It's what I do.

katekate628 · February 2012

I'm sorry you are having a tough morning. I wish I had some magic insight for you and all of us... I'm sending many T&P your way!! *HUGS*

ChloBub · February 2012

I wish I were sitting down to that breakfast and coffee with you. (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry.

buckeyebaby814 · February 2012

Big ::HUGS::

I feel the same as you sometimes. While we're not looking at IVF (yet, we just talked about it for the first time yesterday), with each failed treatment cycle, the losses, I really feel like giving up sometimes.

All I've got are big, huge ::HUGS:: sweety. I wish you weren't hurting.

delino · February 2012

buckeyebaby814:
Big ::HUGS::
I feel the same as you sometimes. While we're not looking at IVF (yet, we just talked about it for the first time yesterday), with each failed treatment cycle, the losses, I really feel like giving up sometimes.
All I've got are big, huge ::HUGS:: sweety. I wish you weren't hurting.

Sending some big squishy ((hugs)) back to you. I hope things start looking up for you.

Mmm79 · February 2012

I am sorry you are having such a rough morning. Keep the faith and take care of yourself.

aussiedaze · February 2012

((Huge Hugs)) I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I wish I had something wise to say to make you feel better. I just know that sometimes I feel the same way, but I just have to keep believing and hoping that God will give me the baby that he knows I want so much. If I thought that wasn't in the cards for me, I don't know what I'd do. FWIW, I really have faith that whatever you decide to do, you'll get your rainbow baby. You deserve it, we all do.

VikingQueen · February 2012

((huge hugs))

LEP424 · February 2012

Delino, your questions are so legitimate. The fears you communicated are so real to many of us. Though I've had one unsuccessful pregnancy in nine months of trying, the throughts you verbalized weigh heavily on my mind and the mind of other women. ((Hugs))

ktsnshn · February 2012

I am sorry you are having a rough morning. I wish I could answer your questions. It is so difficult sometimes to understand why any of us are here, and for those of us that have experienced multiple losses, why these things keep happening. I know not everyone gets hope from other people's success stories, but I have a former co-worker who had four losses conceiving naturally and one IVF loss who is now pregnant (due soon) with twins. Miracles happen every day and you have to believe that you are a good person who deserves her miracle. Keep the faith. ((Hugs))

delino · February 2012

ktsnshn:
I am sorry you are having a rough morning. I wish I could answer your questions. It is so difficult sometimes to understand why any of us are here, and for those of us that have experienced multiple losses, why these things keep happening. I know not everyone gets hope from other people's success stories, but I have a former co-worker who had four losses conceiving naturally and one IVF loss who is now pregnant (due soon) with twins. Miracles happen every day and you have to believe that you are a good person who deserves her miracle. Keep the faith. ((Hugs))

It's funny....after my first loss, hearing success stories from people that went through the same exact thing gave me hope. Now...not so much. And the thought of having the first ivf not work is terrifying! But I do appreciate you sharing this in an effort to give me hope.

angielayne926 · February 2012

ChloBub:
I wish I were sitting down to that breakfast and coffee with you. (((HUGS))) I'm so sorry.

This!

I am so sorry that I don't have the words to give you answers to your questions. I have thought some of the same things to myself before. I hope you don't decide to throw in the towel yet, hun. ((((HUGE HUGS)))) to you this morning!

orangegoggles · February 2012

(Hugs) I feel the same way many days...I don't understand why I need to go through so many losses without any answers...what is it trying to teach me? I also think about how this has changed me as a person...for the better or for the worse?

I am sorry that you don't have the answers and that you can't see the future. I do believe that ultimately you will need to follow your heart and it will lead you to the right place. I know that sounds corny but ithere really is no answers (right now).

chrisleath · February 2012

I wish I had words to help you. I am so sorry. *hugs*

raashton · February 2012

I'm so very sorry sweetie. I don't have any answers for, as I have asked myself similar questions.

It just sucks ball sack. I will be sending you out the good thoughts today. Hugs and love

csspencer · February 2012

I wish there was something I or everyone else could say, but just know that everyone is here for you. I know I'm a complete stranger, and have only been posting here for a couple short weeks, but everyone here is so wonderful. Like I said, I wish I had something to say to comfort you and your fears, but all I can offer is a hug, and my good thoughts.

melly918 · February 2012

I just want to say I am sorry for what you are going through. I am an overanalyzer too and wish I knew what the future had in store for all of us, ((hugs))

Missa_g · February 2012

*huge hugs* I wish I had answers for you or at least better words of comfort.

ktsnshn · February 2012

delino:
ktsnshn:
I am sorry you are having a rough morning. I wish I could answer your questions. It is so difficult sometimes to understand why any of us are here, and for those of us that have experienced multiple losses, why these things keep happening. I know not everyone gets hope from other people's success stories, but I have a former co-worker who had four losses conceiving naturally and one IVF loss who is now pregnant (due soon) with twins. Miracles happen every day and you have to believe that you are a good person who deserves her miracle. Keep the faith. ((Hugs))
It's funny....after my first loss, hearing success stories from people that went through the same exact thing gave me hope. Now...not so much. And the thought of having the first ivf not work is terrifying! But I do appreciate you sharing this in an effort to give me hope.

I am so sorry if I added to your anxiety at all. I will keep you in my prayers.

Deethebee · February 2012

There are so many things I want to say but can't find the words....

You will have your take home baby. You will exhaust every option you physically have to get there....

Because you want to be a mother more than anything else in the world. Remember this when you are questioning yourself: You will overcome this.

And when you finally have that beautiful human being on your chest, feeling its breath and its heartbeat against yours, you will know that everything you went through - all the heartbreak and all the pain and all the soul battering - was worth it.

((((HUGS))))

delino · February 2012

Deethebee:
There are so many things I want to say but can't find the words....

You will have your take home baby. You will exhaust every option you physically have to get there....

Because you want to be a mother more than anything else in the world. Remember this when you are questioning yourself: You will overcome this.

And when you finally have that beautiful human being on your chest, feeling its breath and its heartbeat against yours, you will know that everything you went through - all the heartbreak and all the pain and all the soul battering - was worth it.

((((HUGS))))

Holy crud...I'm crying now. Thank you...just....thank you.

delino · February 2012

ktsnshn:
I am so sorry if I added to your anxiety at all. I will keep you in my prayers.

Not at all! I didn't mean for you to feel bad. I know it's possible for an IVF to fail.

orangegoggles · February 2012

Deethebee:

There are so many things I want to say but can't find the words....

You will have your take home baby. You will exhaust every option you physically have to get there....

Because you want to be a mother more than anything else in the world. Remember this when you are questioning yourself: You will overcome this.

And when you finally have that beautiful human being on your chest, feeling its breath and its heartbeat against yours, you will know that everything you went through - all the heartbreak and all the pain and all the soul battering - was worth it.

((((HUGS))))

Yes Yes Yes

edinger3 · February 2012

I'm sorry that you are having a rough morning.

babyquestnortheast · February 2012

Thank you for the breakfast.

I am so sorry. I don't have the answers. I know that my faith has most definitely been tested after one loss, and I can't even give you a definitive answer about where I currently stand on that topic. All I know is that I have to keep waking up every morning and keep putting one foot in front of the other. So I guess that is my advice, don't try to solve your feelings, just keep breathing and keep carrying on. Do the best you can and be good to yourself. I'm thinking about you. ((HUGE HUGS))

ktsnshn · February 2012

delino:
Deethebee:
There are so many things I want to say but can't find the words....

You will have your take home baby. You will exhaust every option you physically have to get there....

Because you want to be a mother more than anything else in the world. Remember this when you are questioning yourself: You will overcome this.

And when you finally have that beautiful human being on your chest, feeling its breath and its heartbeat against yours, you will know that everything you went through - all the heartbreak and all the pain and all the soul battering - was worth it.

((((HUGS))))
Holy crud...I'm crying now. Thank you...just....thank you.

I am pretty sure Dee has the best way with words. So beautifully said!

HopingforChange · February 2012

I don't have any answers. I do have the same questions. I have only had one loss, but I worry that this will never happen for me and that I will never have a successful pregnancy. My DH and I have discussed this and decided that we are open to adopting an older child if it never works out for us naturally, and I have been really comforted by that plan. I don't know. It worries me too. I am sorry, Delino. I wish I could say something that would really help, but there aren't words. Just know that we are here and offering ((hugs)).

KacyChicago · February 2012

Yes, Dee said what you needed to hear.

Don't give up, Delino. I can't imagine how much you are hurting after the year you've been through ... But it WILL be worth it in the end.

We all have to believe that!!!

cg0112358 · February 2012

((big hugs)) and lots of T&Ps that you get the baby that you long for and truly deserve.

kate6267 · February 2012

delino:
kate6267:
HUGS! Just big huge hugs Delino. I guess What I have learned through the past year going through losing Emily and 2 early miscarriages is that nothing in life is guaranteed yet I am still willing to keep trying and keep going because while maybe my body will cooperate I am still not able to accept a life with out children.
Thank you. It's not that I'm looking to give up just yet. I just wish I could know if it was going to pay off.
I know there is no way to know and I will keep going...for now. I'm not depressed, just overthinking and overanalyzing. It's what I do.

I do the same thing! But THere are no guarantees! hugs again!

katharine25 · February 2012

Oh Delino, I'm not sure what to say, but I can guarantee you it is not a message from god nor a sign from your ancestor that you are not meant to be a mother. Is it testing your faith? Most certainly.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I am certain there is one. After 3, I hope that your doctor is searching for the answer - and if they are not, then find a new one. Put your faith in modern medicine, and you will have your take home baby. And never give up hope.

delino · February 2012

katharine25:

Oh Delino, I'm not sure what to say, but I can guarantee you it is not a message from god nor a sign from your ancestor that you are not meant to be a mother. Is it testing your faith? Most certainly.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I am certain there is one. After 3, I hope that your doctor is searching for the answer - and if they are not, then find a new one. Put your faith in modern medicine, and you will have your take home baby. And never give up hope.

Thanks Katharine. The answer is that my tubes don't function properly. There is nothing they can do to fix it and my only option is IVF. This is the opinion of my OB, High Risk doctor and RE. My only choice is modern medicine....and a little bit of hope.

AngnShaun · February 2012

I ABSOLUELY know EXACTLY how you feel... its as if you took everything i feel and wrote it down... i wish i had some advice to give you... im not even sure how im dealing with it... the cliche of one day at a time... i mean how else is there to deal with it... thinking about the future is not working... {{HUGE HUGS}}

delino · February 2012

AngnShaun:
I ... the cliche of one day at a time... i mean how else is there to deal with it... thinking about the future is not working... {{HUGE HUGS}}

Exactly. We will get through this together

AngnShaun · February 2012

delino:
AngnShaun:
I ... the cliche of one day at a time... i mean how else is there to deal with it... thinking about the future is not working... {{HUGE HUGS}}
Exactly. We will get through this together

Definitely!!!!

bluebonnetmeg · February 2012

delino:
katharine25:

Oh Delino, I'm not sure what to say, but I can guarantee you it is not a message from god nor a sign from your ancestor that you are not meant to be a mother. Is it testing your faith? Most certainly.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I am certain there is one. After 3, I hope that your doctor is searching for the answer - and if they are not, then find a new one. Put your faith in modern medicine, and you will have your take home baby. And never give up hope.
Thanks Katharine. The answer is that my tubes don't function properly. There is nothing they can do to fix it and my only option is IVF. This is the opinion of my OB, High Risk doctor and RE. My only choice is modern medicine....and a little bit of hope.

((hugs)) Sometimes a little bit of hope and faith is all that gets you through. Let your drs worry about the modern medicine part. I wish I could say more to comfort you, but I think Dee said it all.

FreyaWin2382 · February 2012

I wish I could see you IRL so I could give you a big HUG. I am so sorry....everything you are going through SUCKS, but please know that you are not alone in your worry....I worry everyday that I might never be able to become a mom....it is so hard when you just don't feel that your body is working for you, but rather against.

Big, big ((HUGS)) and thanks for the breakfast!

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