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Late Term and Child Loss
ehlersm
member
Hello...
ehlersm
member
Hi everyone - I have been lurking for awhile and finally wanted to introduce myself and ask your advice. I gave birth to my two boys William and Robert on 1/2/12. They came early at 22 weeks due to IC/PTL. Each lived for a few hours before passing. My husband and I are doing OK but I find we are in that period now where everyone thinks we should be back to "normal." My SIL is due three days after my due date and I am already having major anxiety over that. My father told me yesterday that she and my brother are planning on asking my husband and I to be the godparents for their little girl. My initial reaction is, "No way." I can't imagine standing in front of a church holding a baby that will be the exact age my boys should be. I know this is an honor and don't want to hurt their feelings...thoughts?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Hello...
I am so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, welcome to the board. I hope you find comfort and support from the amazing women here.
There is no time limit on your grief and healing. No one should expect you to get back to normal this soon, if ever. You and YH should grieve and heal according to your own time, not anyone else's. As for your SIL's baby, I honestly couldn't imagine being a godmother to a baby so soon after my loss. Maybe if they do a baptism in a few months you will feel better about it? Only you can decide that and you should let her know how you feel, however that may be. I would hope she would be understanding.
Big hugs.
I am so sorry for the loss of your boys. I am glad you made your intro. I can't fathom being a godmother to a child the same age as Kam...I can't handle that...And it has been over three years....
If you don't feel like you can handle that situation then just explain it to them. Tell them that while you love your neice very very much and you are very happy for them, right now you aren't able to be the support the baby will need in a Godparent and you would much rather play the important role of aunt.
Your grief is yours and yours alone and thus must be handled the best way for you. Take your time and don't let others that have "moved on" make you feel the need to speed up your process. You will always miss them and you will always love them. Not everyone understands that a child doesn't cease to be your child just because they have passed.
Huge hugs and know that you are welcome to post anytime. And anything you may need just ask.
BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
Too beautiful for this earth
BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
I'm so sorry for the loss of your boys. I second what others have said about no time table to the grief. People who haven't been through such a loss don't seem to understand that this can and will affect the rest of your life (not always in a terrible way).
As for the godparent situation - are you comfortable being a godparent but are anxious about holding your niece or are you uncomfortable with the entire idea of being a godparent? If it is the holding aspect that is troubling you, would it be possible for your SIL and the church to work with the format of the ceremony so that you could still be named godparent but not have to hold the baby? I think that speaking honestly with your SIL about the situation may relieve some of the anxiety. {{hugs}}
BFP #2 - Sylvie V. Q. born and died on 10.28.11 at 21w.
BFP #3 - Evie V. Q. Fetal demise @ 16w. DC 7.8.12
BFP #4 - Beatrix V. Q. Born 6.2.13 at 23w6d.
My blog My chart
Jenn
IVF#1 BFN IVF#2 BFP, loss at 19 weeks FET#1 BFN IVF#3 BFP, m/c FET#2 BFN
Missing our twins Zachary and Madison, lost at 19 weeks on 11/13/09, edd 4/9/10
BFP 7/17/10, m/c 7/25/10, edd 3/25/11
Ectopic, lost left tube 4/20/11, edd 12/6/11
my blog
First of all, I am so sorry for the losses of your two precious boys. But I am glad you had a little bit of time with them before they passed away.
As for the being godparents- I was actually in a very similar situation. My cousin and I are best friends and by fluke got pregnant at the exact same time and had the same due date. I ended up having a baby that was incompatible with life and she had a perfect little son. She asked me to be the godmother but made sure to tell me that she understood completely if I said no. (annabelle lived for an hour and was baptized, and my cousin was her godmother) She was my rock through my whole pregnancy and loss and I couldnt say no. I love my godson and I feel like he is connected to my little Annabelle in a special way. But I know our relationship is totally unique. If it was anyone else there was no way I could do it. if you feel you can't, explain that to them and they should understand. If they don't then you don't want to be the godparent to one of their kids anyways. I hope you find a solution for you, and we are here for you whenever you need anything! Tons of (((hugs))) being sent your way.
Um, I am just over 9 months out and am just now really starting (I think) to feel like the cloud is lifting. I started in grief counseling in January and that has helped. For us, we have a likely 25% of it happening again as they suspect our daughter had an incredibly (like less than 20 reported cases ever) recessive genetic condition (that is always fatal). That news has been hard to work through on top of the grief of losing our baby, which has certainly complicated things for me at least.
However, I would in no way expect you to be feeling back to normal right now, regardless of the circumstances or prognosis for the future. You lost your babies. That is a huge life loss and quite honestly doesn't all set in at once. 1 month, 3 month, 6 month, due date milestones all seem to be very hard for people around here and you may find yourself feeling worse at some point and wonder if you are losing your mind (you are not). Grief is like that...it will come in waves and it will sometimes have weird triggers.
There are some good books - Good Grief (by Westberg), Grieving the Child I Never Knew, and Empty Cradle Broken Heart. I would recommend all three.
If there are support groups in your area or counseling, I would encourage that as well. You OB or the staff person who deals with loss moms at the hospital can probably recommend some.
I am so sorry for the loss of your boys. We are all here for you.
Hugs,
Jenn
We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013. We love her to pieces.
We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011. She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.
I am so very sorry for the passing of your sons. I hope we can be a source of comfort and support for you, welcome and ((HUGS)).
To answer your question, I think it would be really difficult for me to be a godparent for a child the same age as my son. I think they mean well and you are very generous for not wanting to hurt them, but this time in your losses is so tender and painful, I would recommend that you take care of your heart first and do what you feel is best for you. Whatever your title will be, I'm sure your brother knows that you will always be there to care for his daughter.
? to Loss+M/PL+TTCAL+PgAL+PAL
PgAL/PAL welcome
You need to do what's best for you now. Don't worry about being selfish. If they are any kind of decent people they will understand when you explain to them how you feel. If it were me, there's NO WAY I could do it. I just couldn't.
I have allowed myself to be in certain situations since our loss, which I knew might trigger sadness for me but I thought I could "handle it". Well I'm always wrong. The situation is always so much worse when I'm in it & I question why I thought I'd be okay with it. If you're picturing the ceremony scenario now & cringing, I doubt it will be any better than you picture it. In fact, it may be worse in unexpected ways. I don't mean to be a downer but you should prepare yourself for that possibility and definitely opt out if you think you can't handle it.
First I'm so sorry for your loss.
Second you should not be "over it" "normal" or anything else that non loss people say. Can you possibly be her godparents without having to do the ceremony? I don't know the rules about that. I only ask because the pain is awful now, but in time the pain changes and you may regret saying no. I'm not saying you need to ignore your feels, I'm just putting in my .02. I went to visit a co-worker in the hospital a month after we lost Aidan. It was hard, but what I kept saying was that their son, was not mine. They aren't holding MY son. They are holding theirs and I held THEIR baby.
It has been almost 5 months since our loss and I am by no means even close to over it. I will never be over it. Your life will never be back to normal it will be a new normal and thats okay. I still find it is hard to deal with my new normal.
My DH will probably be asked to be a godfather. His brother and SIL are pregnant and got pregnant 2 weeks after we lost our DD and they are having a DD so it will be hard for my DH but he will be the godfather. Of course this is still months away as she is due in July so there is still a ton of time for more healing to happen. I on the other hand am having a terrible time with her having a baby there is a side story to why I am upset. They decided at the hospital when DD died that life was to short and tried to get pregnant and low and behold they are KU and announced it at our one month anniversary of losing Sydney. It sucks so bad. I have a hard time thinking about them getting to keep their DD and mine died:( So what you are feeling is normal. Maybe you will have different feelings in a few months it hasn't been that long since you lost your precious sons. Take it easy on yourself and don't think about things to much. Also welcome to the board I am sorry you have to be here with us:( HUGS!!!!
I also lost my boys at 22w on 2/6 :-(. I understand how you feel and I think you shouldn't do it if you don't feel comfortable with it. They will understand. Hugs
thelossblog.blogspot.com