this is what loss feels like......

wmthorpe0815 · February 2012

On saturday I went into L&D because I had not felt movement in 24hrs. I knew the minute they couldnt find her heartbeat she was gone. Because I was already 26 weeks I had to deliver. 21 hrs later my little angel was born. She was so tiny and precious. I was afraid I wouldnt want to see her or hold her, but when they handed her to me I didnt want to let her go. She weighed 1lb 6oz and 13in long. She reminded me so much of a smaller version of what my boys looked like. I cant even tell you how the time after that went. It seems like so long ago that I was feeling her kick and seeing her happy on the sonogram screen. But it wasnt that long ago, it was friday. I saw her heart beating on friday and then by saturday she was gone.

I had to work up alot of courage to post this. I was afraid to see the 2nd trimester board where I had posted the day before about a stupid receptionist who couldnt keep her mouth shut. But writing it out seems to be another way for me to cope. I never thought I would have to think about an autopsy or figure out where we want her ashes. I had always imagined how I would handle a situation like this (I am a glass is half empty type of girl) but I didnt. It is so much more heart crushing. Almost like you are having a constant heart attack.

I cant do what I would like to do, which is crawl into a hole and fall asleep until everything is over with. But again I cant. Not with 2 little boys who need there mother to be strong and able. Day by day is how I have been dealing. Sometimes hour by hour. I am sorry to all the mothers out there who have gone through this. I never knew. I wish we could all sit around crying and try to support each other. I am thankful for a husband who has gone through alot of loss and is carrying me through this entire experience. I thought god had put us together so I could fix his broken heart when all along he was given to me to fix mine.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · February 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I hate to have to welcome you or anyone else to this board for that matter but please know we are all here for you to offer any and all support you need. None of us ever thought we'd be here and we certainly don't want to be but here we all are. Feel free to vent, cry, scream, whatever you need to do. Take life day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, breath by breath if you have to. {{HUGS}}

Bread09 · February 2012

I am so very sorry for the loss of your little girl.

magdalina.h · February 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some comfort here. Create a direct link to this board so you don't have to go to the homepage.

Heatherhah · February 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. We are all here for you. You are not alone if you ever need to talk we are all here and have probably felt the same things you are feeling and will feel. Hugs to you !!!

Gizu92708 · February 2012

I am very sorry for your loss.

krysiahamaty · February 2012

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some comfort here. The ladies are amazing. Take things minute by minute. And we are here for you to listen or give advice that we can. Hugs.

dandywarhol · February 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Did you name your daughter?

foxxy1 · February 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet little girl. Did you name her?

I hate to welcome you to the board but the ladies here are amazing and have helped me so much. You're among friends here.

ChuppsWifey08 · February 2012

I too am so sorry for your loss. I am not sure if you have decided to place your daughters ashes somewhere but we had our little boy cremated. My mom, 2 sisters and I wear lockets around our neck with his "cremains" and the rest are in an urn in our living room where they will reside until my husband and I pass away. It is the best thing I could have done, I carry him with me every day!

lpeter01 · February 2012

My heart aches for you and I am so sorry that you lost your princess. Breathing gets easier. Just take it hour by hour right now. Don't worry about the day by days yet. I will be thinking of you and praying for your heart to heal. Again it makes me sick to read new posts on this loss board but just know we are all here for the same reason. To vent and support one another at this time.. Take care!

erbarmywife · February 2012

I am so so sorry. I lost a set of twins at 26 weeks. They were fine Tues, by Sat. they were incredibly sick and I had to deliver. Nothing will ever make this ok, but with time you will learn to live with it. (that sounds harsh, but I cant think of any other words for it). ((hugs)) for your healing.

eroplane · February 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. Everyone here has been so kind and I hope that it helps you as much as it has me. Big hugs.

MandynStephen · February 2012

My heart aches for you. May you find comfort and support you need here.

roxyttandme · February 2012

I am just so sorry! (((hugs)))

cherrycobbler · February 2012

I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter. I hope you can find some comfort here. Everyone on this board is so caring and wonderful. Feel free to say or ask whatever you need to. We are all here for you. Much love and hugs to you and your family.

karebear57 · February 2012

I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. What is her name? I've got 3 boys and lost my lil girl 4 months ago at 25wks. Her name is Brianna. It is very hard at the beginning but we are here if you ever need to cry or talk or anything. You could also pm me if you ever want to talk. I am so sorry.

nuttycoconut · February 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss of your sweet baby girl. What's her name? How are your sons coping with the loss? I hope you find the support on this board to get through this horrible time. Everyone on here is so wonderful. (((hugs)))

Carolee · February 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daugher. I am glad your husband is a good support to you, and I hope this board can be a source of support too.

wmthorpe0815 · February 2012

We named her Letson Marie. It was a family name. It is good to hear about trying hour by hour to get through. Sometimes I feel like I am all alone. I had to go to the funeral home today (never have been to one before) It is so hard. I will feel good for a couple of hours and then break down again. My heart actually hurts. I didnt think it is possible to feel this kind of pain. I am so thankful to have a board like this to talk to. No one knows what its like except for people who have been there. My boys are ok. They lay with me alot and my oldest probably tells me 100 times a day he loves me. I am really glad to have them for laughter. It definately makes my soul feel better. They definately know something is wrong. The hardest thing was having to tell my daycare not to mention the baby to the boys. I couldnt even make it to the first word of the conversation. Wow the more I type the better I feel now if I could figure out how to get this darn baby ticker off my page?!?!

Carolee · February 2012

wmthorpe0815:
We named her Letson Marie. It was a family name. It is good to hear about trying hour by hour to get through. Sometimes I feel like I am all alone. I had to go to the funeral home today (never have been to one before) It is so hard. I will feel good for a couple of hours and then break down again. My heart actually hurts. I didnt think it is possible to feel this kind of pain. I am so thankful to have a board like this to talk to. No one knows what its like except for people who have been there. My boys are ok. They lay with me alot and my oldest probably tells me 100 times a day he loves me. I am really glad to have them for laughter. It definately makes my soul feel better. They definately know something is wrong. The hardest thing was having to tell my daycare not to mention the baby to the boys. I couldnt even make it to the first word of the conversation. Wow the more I type the better I feel now if I could figure out how to get this darn baby ticker off my page?!?!

Letson Marie is a beautiful name. I remember feeling alone too - just know that you're not alone. It is hard, and it's normal to go between feeling ok and then breaking down. To edit your ticker, you can click on your avatar and then go to "edit avatar and sig" above your avatar. It will take you to a new page where you can scroll down and edit. (((HUGS))).

pottermommy · February 2012

I am so sorry to welcome you here. I am sorry for the loss of your precious precious little girl. I hope you find friendship and support here. There are amazing women in this group and I hope we can give you what you need.

pb127 · February 2012

I am so sorry for the passing of your daughter. I hope we can be here to support you, welcome. Sending many (((hugs))) to you both.

weddedwife · February 2012

I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I hate that this is what brought us all together, but this board is a wonderfully supportive place to be. It's so hard in the beginning when your pain is so fresh. You will be able to breathe again, despite how intense it all feels now.

I also have an older child; it was hard to keep going for her and yet she is what kept me going. If you ever want to talk please feel free to PM me. I hope you are able to find some comfort here; I know I have.

frogs007 · February 2012

I'm so so sorry. I remember the complete overwhelming grief in that first week. . . you're not alone. My husband and I would go to bed early just to be done with the day. In some ways it's gotten better for me and in some ways it's gotten harder. Hugs to you mama. I am sorry you're going through this horror, but glad you found this group.

BrittanyLeannM10 · February 2012

I am so sorry for your loss & I hope you can find lots of love & support here. It helps to know your not all alone out there & the ladies here are wonderful & listen. You don't have to worry about us saying all the wrong things cause we feel how you feel in a way cause we have lost are babies too. That is the hardest lost someone can indure well from my experience since I also buried both my parents, Buring caiden was ten times harder & you wish you could take there spot & you have all this greif & sadnees just know your not alone & we are all here to listen or talk whenever you need it. HUGS & sorry to welcome you here but its a step in a good direction cause there is amazing support here!

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