Thanks FOC and BM....(not!!)

kjbc2003 · February 2012

So this past week my DH and I went for full custody of my SD. In Michigan you have to outline 12 different points on why your home would be in the better interest of the child. So my DH spent lots of time outlining them and answering and really i thought covered over half of them to go in our direction. We get to court on monday and go in front of the referee, and the ref says and i quote "nothing major has happened in the last year to warrant a change in custody" "mother seems to be doing well and you (DH) are relying too much on your SD's thoughts and opinions as she is only 6."

REALLY?!?!?!?! Nothing major has changed??

1. Mother only put her on psyhcotropic meds for tantrums, didnt have her evaluated AT ALL, didnt inform DH about it to have his consent or even list him as a parent at the doctors office for him to speak with the doctor.

2. Moved schools without informing us until she had already moved the week before xmas break so SD had to miss her first xmas program.

3. We had my DD this past summer, new half sibling that my SD completely dotes on, a new addition to the family is usually a big deal.

4. Mother continues to not communicate with us, bad mouths about me and my DD in front of my SD, and also remains to have her sleep IN THE SAME BED WITH HER AT AGE 6. She states that SD cant sleep alone and misses her too much. Funny she has been able to sleep in her own bed in her own ROOM at our house with ease since she was 2!!

She denied everything saying she didnt know this, or she didnt know she had to call DH to discuss this stuff. The referee's response?? a slap on the wrist for mom, "I dont seem this to be a big deal at all." Shame on you FOC and referee, the only one that this is going to hurt the most is my SD who cries and begs us EOW when we have her for her to live with us.

vent over, beyond pissed that she got away with it AGAIN!!

Holly_1007 · February 2012

ouch!!! that is so rough!!! such a waste of time and money poor SD!!

i guess at this point all you can do is document document document!!! perhaps you need to start communicating with BM over e-mail, so everything is documented as well.

Jessys_Girl · February 2012

Honestly, as much as those things are a big deal in your life, they AREN'T a big deal from a legal/custody stand point.

kjbc2003:

1. Mother only put her on psyhcotropic meds for tantrums, didnt have her evaluated AT ALL, didnt inform DH about it to have his consent or even list him as a parent at the doctors office for him to speak with the doctor.

Does the court order require that he be informed of medical decisions? Does it require he give his consent for medications? If it's not written in the CO, then there is absolutely nothing you can do about this and in the eyes of the court BM did nothing wrong. If it IS in the CO, file contempt charges and document that she violated the CO...it will help you later even if she just gets a slap on the wrist now.

2. Moved schools without informing us until she had already moved the week before xmas break so SD had to miss her first xmas program.

The courts sadly don't CARE if your SD missed her xmas program. Is it in the CO that BM has to have your DH's approval to move schools? if not, then you're out of luck. if it IS, then file contempt charges. it will hep you later even if she just gets a slap on the wrist now.

3. We had my DD this past summer, new half sibling that my SD completely dotes on, a new addition to the family is usually a big deal.

The courts don't care about new babies. (not to be mean) They're only dealing/issue is with the child that your DH and BM share. AND just because your 6 y/o SD loves the new baby (all 6 y/o little girls ADORE infants) doesn't mean that she should move in with you guys. (in the eyes of the court).

4. Mother continues to not communicate with us, bad mouths about me and my DD in front of my SD, and also remains to have her sleep IN THE SAME BED WITH HER AT AGE 6. She states that SD cant sleep alone and misses her too much. Funny she has been able to sleep in her own bed in her own ROOM at our house with ease since she was 2!!

What is written in the CO about communication and what she has to share with you? What is written in the court order about bad mouthing the other parent or the step parent? If it's NOT in the CO, I'd get a parental alienation type clause written in there about that she's not to say derogatory things about you/DH. And then when she does, file contempt charges. Bed sharing is not illegal. As long as there is no sign of abuse, it is not illegal. Is it weird? Sure, but the courts don't care if BM is weird, they care if she's doing something ILLEGAL.

She denied everything saying she didnt know this, or she didnt know she had to call DH to discuss this stuff. The referee's response?? a slap on the wrist for mom, "I dont seem this to be a big deal at all." Shame on you FOC and referee, the only one that this is going to hurt the most is my SD who cries and begs us EOW when we have her for her to live with us.

It takes a LOT for a court to change an EOW Visitation Schedule to full custody. Like, full on abuse, neglect or parental abandonment. I'm not trying to be harsh, just realistic. You guys see your SD 4 days a month...right now, she has consistency and routine at her mom's. her mom's is her primary home. There have to be a lot of good, BIG reasons to remove her from her primary home and in the eyes of the law, the things you stated above just don't count.

vent over, beyond pissed that she got away with it AGAIN!!

What exactly did she "get away with"?

Jessys_Girl · February 2012

bump burp

karatechrissy · February 2012

I agree whole heatedly with Jessys_girl. While I can understand how these things have affected your life, these things are piddle paddle little things to the court. I sort of snickered at a few of them quite honestly. My SS has been through hell and back, I WISH these were the only problems we had with BM.. My life would be a lot less difficult.

karatechrissy · February 2012

P.s. what ever meds she is on, I HIGHLY doubt she strolled into the pedi office and said 'I want these meds for dd' and the doc bowed down an told her 'well of course!' without any evidence to support her needing to be on them.

Jessys_Girl · February 2012

karatechrissy:
P.s. what ever meds she is on, I HIGHLY doubt she strolled into the pedi office and said 'I want these meds for dd' and the doc bowed down an told her 'well of course!' without any evidence to support her needing to be on them.

this too.

hopanka · February 2012

Pet-peeve: people think it's oh-so inappropriate when their kids sleep in the same bed as their parent. OMG - how awful!...Really? Your BM's reasoning sounds perfectly fine to me, her daughter probably does miss her, so she prefers to be close to her mom, and vice versa. She is only 6 afterall and missing her mother is completely normal. It feels right to be close to her and I'm sure it does for the mom, too. My DS who is 6 sleeps in my bed. The horror! It is what works for us, he has a beautiful room with a bed that has a cool fort that he picked out himself and plays there during the day, but doesn't want to be there alone at night. Nothing wrong with that. So, he sleeps in my bedroom. It calms his anxiety and he feels safe and secure. I KNOW I'm doing the right thing by him. He will stop on his own when he is ready. Not worried about it.

If you think that's weird, you probably think half the world is weird, because many cultures co-sleep, either due to space constraints, necessity or cultural preference - yes - beyond toddlerhood. There is nothing weird, perverted or developmentally inappropriate about it.

kjbc2003 · February 2012

I dont have an issue with co-sleeping when it is a younger child. I personally co-sleep with my child and plan to have her move into her own room at 1, she is 7 months old currently. What I have an issue with is the fact that SD has no problem sleeping in her own bed at our house when we have her EOW. She sees her mother most of the time but enforces that only my SD's sister sleep in her own bed and has not even tried have my SD sleep in a bed there. I know this because its one of the few things that i have asked about that she has answered. BM will say "oh she isnt ready yet". It just seems that she is ready being that she can do it in our home, sort of like potty training. BM reported that SD "wasnt ready yet" to become potty trained at age 4. Yet when we had her for 2 weeks she was potty trained and was more than ready.

Jessys_Girl · February 2012

kjbc2003:

I dont have an issue with co-sleeping when it is a younger child. I personally co-sleep with my child and plan to have her move into her own room at 1, she is 7 months old currently. What I have an issue with is the fact that SD has no problem sleeping in her own bed at our house when we have her EOW. She sees her mother most of the time but enforces that only my SD's sister sleep in her own bed and has not even tried have my SD sleep in a bed there. I know this because its one of the few things that i have asked about that she has answered. BM will say "oh she isnt ready yet". It just seems that she is ready being that she can do it in our home, sort of like potty training. BM reported that SD "wasnt ready yet" to become potty trained at age 4. Yet when we had her for 2 weeks she was potty trained and was more than ready.

The thing is kids are different at different houses sometimes. They react differently to the parents/step parents in each situation.

And even if your SD IS ready for these things, her mom is not harming her by co-sleeping, or delaying potty training (at least in the eyes of the court). Do I agree with the BM in this situation? No. But do I think that her ways of raising her daughter make her unfit and therefore custody should be taken away from her? Absolutely not.

kjbc2003 · February 2012

In the CO it DOES state that he is to be informed of all medical issues, as well as medical appointments. We did file a contempt charge and BM stated she didnt know she needed to inform DH of the medication, medical appointments, etc. I know she was not properly looked at bc when DH asked BM about info of the meds she said she didnt really know what it was for just to help her with anger. I would think most of you ladies would want at least a little info on meds that your child was going to be on. He also asked if she had an evaluation and BM stated she didnt know what that was. The CO DOES say that he to know her dr, which she didnt list him as a parent for him to be able to contact the dr. We had to provide the Dr with the CO for them to talk to us.

that contempt charged was dropped and court just told her to "not do it again".

As for the school the same thing happened the CO says that he is to be informed of any school related item. Which he wasnt and it was SD that informed us about it to begin with. We filed another contempt charge and it was dropped as well with another "dont do it again".

The only reason why i mentioned the other sibling thing is because currently SD does not get along with her other sister at her mom's home. Both are very verbal towards eachother even at this time. Also fights will often break out. i know siblings fight thats not it, but to have her not be there as often might help with the negative relationship since being around each other all of the time is not doing any good for my SD.

we do have a parental alienation clause in the CO because of past history of BM towards myself. We have filed numerous contempt charges about that. They were all dropped and BM reported that didnt say anything negative and if she did then she forgot that she wasnt suppose to say anything in front of SD. That is exactly what she said to the court. "dont do it again" was the response from the court again. the CO also states that any issues are not to be discusses during a pick up/drop off and that both parties are to have working phones to discuss issues. BM currently has a phone that is "text only" which would be fine if she would ever text us back. We printed off all of the text messages to show that we have tried to talk about things. Court said they didnt care about our proof. Ok fine then.

There have been other people that inform us of the housing life at BM's to say that things are pretty negative in the home. My DH is not prefect by any means and if he is saying something or trying to do something that is not good then i will call him out on something. But he truly wants the best for SD and at this given time our home is the better interest. The court even stated at the last hearing that he would give us best interest of the child but we did not have the 12 points outlined properly.

So how come now that DH did lay out the 12 points do they not matter?? That is what didnt make sense to me.

BTW, I do work as a foster care worker so i do see alot of abuse and neglect with children on a regular basis. I know that court will not do anything unless something bad happens, which is sad but that is how it is. We are trying to prevent something bad happening is all.

Thanks ladies this was more a vent of seeing a crushed husband and a sad little girl this past weekend when we told her that right now the court wants to keep her where she is.

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