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Calling all Catholics! Long NTR Question about marriage.
I'm a lurker needing some advice about my marriage. My husband and I are Catholic but have not really been practicing for 3 years now. We will occasionally go to mass but we've made the decision to start making more of an effort. Anyways, my marriage is basically falling apart. My husband has PTSD and while I'm trying to be supportive, he is very difficult to live with (i.e. mood swings, anger, rage, depression) I also discovered that he is a compulsive liar. Lying to me over big and small stuff, doesn't really matter. We have had so many issues over the last year and ultimately things got bad and I decided to leave. He begged for me to come back on the condition that he seeks full time counseling for his issues, start anxiety/depression medications and we start marriage counseling. I decided to come back home and work things out and at least give him the benefit of the doubt to see if he's really going to get the help he needs.
All of a sudden, he's had this revelation that the reason our marriage has been rough is because we didn't have a valid Catholic wedding (eloped in Vegas). He thinks the answer to help us move forward in addition to counseling is to get our marriage blessed in the church. I, on the other hand, had the opinion that getting our marriage blessed in the church WHEN AND IF we can get better and heal our marriage is the better solution.
He's getting his feelings hurt because he think I'm not making enough of a commitment to work on our marriage but I think it would be terrible to ask God and the church to bless a marriage that is so broken right now.
Sorry this was so long and any advice or insight would be appreciated. Any Catholics have their marriage blessed and did it really have an effect on your marriage? TIA!
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Re: Calling all Catholics! Long NTR Question about marriage.
I'm so sorry to hear your marriage is falling apart. I know it must be a difficult time for you.
I hate to say it, but it sounds like he is deflecting. Rather than focusing on the real problem, he is trying to place blame on the fact that your marriage wasn't blessed. The ceremony is not 'the marriage', and IMO has no bearing on the relationship. Is there a way you can ask to go to counseling with him so that he can try to explain (in front of the counselor) why this one thing is the downfall of your marriage? I think a counselor might be able to help mediate things between the two of you, I don't think it's smart for you to try to do on your own with him. As you can see, now he is placing the blame on you.
Sounds like he is possibly unwilling to take any responsibility for the problems in the marriage, and trying to find any other reason he can to take that blame off of him. I don't know the whole story, I'm only getting that from what you've written here.
GL, I hope things work out the best for you. T&P's.
If you decide to get your marriage blessed you need to be 100% sure in your heart that you are going to stay and make your marriage work.
I hate to sound callous, but it is very difficult to get an annulment in the catholic church. So if you were to get divorced you would not be able to remarry in the catholic church without a lot of difficulty.
This. I think that you're right in saying that once you two are back on track have a ceremony to bless the marriage would be a good thing, but just like a wedding doesn't magically solve and engaged couples issues this isn't going to magically fix what is wrong between the two of you. GL.
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You are absolutely correct. That is one thing he always does, he tried to take the focus of of him and his issues and put blame of someone else. Any time I catch him in a lie, he'll turn it around on me and say he had to lie because he knew I would be upset because I'm too emotional or I'm too stressed right now. There's always some excuse or blame pointed towards anyone but himself. Thank you for your insight.
This is actually a big factor in my decision to wait. He had to get an annulment from his first wife and it was a huge pain and took a long time. I hate to think this way because I really do want my marriage to work but I also want to be realistic and think long term as well.
That's a great point. I'll definitely look into that and offer that to him.
First of all I'm really sorry you're going through this...
Hubs and I did get married in a church and I'm not really sure what effect having our marriage "blessed" had. I've had friends get their marriage blessed and they are going through a divorce. I'm glad to have gotten married in a church/blessed wedding but I'm not super sure that will give you an edge.
I will say that I think you should think about getting your marriage blessed, I see no harm in doing so.
(also maybe when you are talking to the priest about getting your marriage blessed he could give some counseling tips.)
Honestly, that thought has been in the back on my mind too. It's probably the same reason why he turned me down when I expressed to him that I wanted to find a part time job and go back to school. I love being a SAHM so I never wanted to quit that. The job I wanted was to nanny a couple children here in my home and also attend online college classes. I'm still planning on doing both but he is unhappy about it and I believe it's because he was to keep me dependent on him. He doesn't want me to make my own money and be successful because he enjoys the fact that I'm dependent on him. It's very sad but I'm just holding onto hope that it's because he's mentally going through a lot and I'm doing my best to wait and see if the counseling will help. I also know that I have myself and two children to worry about and need a backup plan should things remain the same and I do end up leaving him.
Do YOU truly believe it when he says that getting the marriage blessed will make all the difference? That it will act as a magic fairy dust, sprinkled over you and will suddenly change EVERYTHING, including him?
Think about it. He's saying "Right now, I dont have to work on our marriage because we're not even REALLY married." How does that make you feel?
He can't commit to saving the marriage you already have. Getting your vows blessed wont give you a new marriage. You know that. So does he.
Tell him that you'd love to get your marriage blessed by the church, but that you want to present yourselves to God for his blessing as a strong, whole couple. Not someone looking for a band aid fix. I think you'll find that if you were to approach the church to get your marriage blessed, they'd ask you to go through "pre marital" counseling. I dont think any member of the clergy worth their salt would allow you to proceed with a blessing in the church BEFORE you resolve these issues.
I wish you the best.
Yes, she was baptized. That wasn't a requirement in our church.
Thank you. He called to set up a meeting for us to sit down with the deacon to discuss this. He seems to think that the Deacon is going to strongly encourage us to get out marriage blessed and my hope is that he does the opposite. I agree with you, that we definitely need counseling beforehand and I'm pretty confident that the Deacon will say the same. He keeps saying "Just wait until you hear it from Deacon Louis" "You'll change your opinion after you talk to him" I've just been letting him think that and have his opinion but I will be shocked when we sit down and I explain all the problems that we're having that he's going to encourage us to get our marriage blessed before everything else.
This statement kind of worries me, in that making someone dependent on you is not love, in fact it CAN be a precursor to abuse. That along with the lying and blame are all red flags.
I think you both need to get into counseling, both together and apart.
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The funny thing is last Sunday during mass they mentioned a couples retreat and I looked over at him and gave him a "hey, that might be kinda cool" look and he rolled his eyes and shook his head. He's never been very religious but all of a sudden now that he wants our marriage blessed in the church everything is about God now. And apparently I'm failing God by not getting our marriage blessed. I hate to talk negatively about him, especially on the internet to a bunch of strangers, but his behavior and way of thinking has been pretty bizarre recently. I just hope and pray that his counseling does him some good.
All of this. Can you contact your priest and talk to him on the phone about your problems? I'm sure he will guide you and let you know the appropriate steps to take.
Actually, I did! I told him that it would be so much more meaningful to me knowing that we were blessing a marriage that was strong and healthy and could truly celebrate and enjoy married life again. It's not secret to him that I am unhappy and that I am very upset by all the hurtful things he's done and said to me. He thanks me every day for making the sacrifice to stick by his side while he's getting help. I told him it wouldn't mean much to me if I still have doubts and our marriage is still broken. His exact response was "That's because you have no faith in God." It's all his way of trying to get his own way which I've learned not to give too much attention to.
If you want to stay married to this man, then go get the blessing. This is seriously not something to fight over if you have other issues on top of this. Sometimes you have to love your partner more than you love being right.
If you are debating leaving him, then don't.
This statement makes me think that you are using this blessing as leverage. You have been through a lot, and are hurt. It makes sense. You are going to have to decide if you can set aside that hurt enough to work on your relationship.
No, I'm not using the blessing as leverage at all. I want to work on my marriage and being emotionally abused through the process is not easy. I'm doing it because I love him and I know he has PTSD and a lot of other issues that he needs to be able to work out through in his therapy. And we are also going to start receiving therapy as a couple. I've been seeing my own personal therapist for a few months now. My whole point in asking about it was to get an unbiased opinion on what other people thought. My husband seems to believe that having our marriage blessed will make it stronger and easier to get through all our struggles. I'm still standing my ground that I don't believe taking our marriage to the church to get it blessed is the right thing to do until we make it right. That doesn't mean than I'm not still going to continue working on it in the process.
??? What a bizarre point of view. Are you really suggesting that she should set aside the disturbing and possibly even abusive issues in their marriage while her husband lies, rages, blames her, and uses religion to shirk his personal responsibility to their marriage? It's hard to set aside the hurt in a relationship when it's not old- it's constant and ongoing. She already said she wants to work on their relationship. Her husband is the one who is apparently unwilling to do so, stating that the ONLY way they can fix it is to get the marriage blessed, and that it would require no other effort on his part.
This dude could be the worst human being on the planet. But he is her husband. So no, I don't think it would be in the best interest of the relationship to go 'round and 'round on this particular issue. I think my post was a little muddy. I don't think that the blessing should be withheld because of all the other hurt. Not that the past grievances should be completely forgotten.
It's not like I'm withholding the blessing as a punishment for everything he's done. I don't know how you could have gotten that out of what I said. My reasoning for not wanting to do the blessing now is that our marriage isn't ready now and he feels like it wont be ready until it's blessed. That's where our difference of opinion is. I was asking for others advice and to see other people opinions if they've had their marriages blessed and if that blessing have strengthened their marriage. Not to have someone tell me to give in to him because I don't always need to be right.
I'm sorry if you feel like I'm attacking you. It sounds like you have been having a rough time.
i still stand by what I said, but I also understand why you don't agree. I hope you both can get some peace regarding this.
ETA: Right or wrong, I think you should prepare yourself for the deacon saying that you and your H should do your vows in the Church as soon as possible. Catholics are not one for waiting around to see if the marriage will work out. In the Church's eyes, you have a child together, you should be married, no exceptions. Not that this should be the right choice for your relationship, but that is more likely what the deacon would say.
No, you were perfectly clear, in both posts. She she should suck it up and do what he wants. Because he's her husband. Even if he's "the worst human being on the planet". Even if she's not sure she WANTS to stay married to him.
These are not "past grievances". The issues in their marriage are ongoing and largely being caused by the husband's dishonesty, inability to control his anger, and him blaming her for their problems. Why SHOULDNT she "withhold" his request until, at the very least, he gets help for his issues and takes responsibility for his role in their martial discord?
If they weren't already married and he was displaying all of these behaviours, I dont think the Church would tell them to go ahead and get married. Not without some major counseling first so that they could enter the marriage with honesty, respect and love. Certainly no one here would say "Hey, you're engaged to him, so just suck it up and get married. Hopefully he'll change after the wedding."
OP: I'm sorry you're going through all of this. Based on your first posts and your follow ups, I can't think of ANY reason you should do anything other than seek professional counsel (spiritual, emotional, and even legal). I hope you can get to a place where you dont feel like this any more- whether it's because your husband does a 180 or you do end up leaving. I wish you the best.
Oh Jesus. I'm not going to let you try and skew my post into some sort of anti-woman rant. I just think that all of the energy being put into this blessing issue is misplaced. And I clearly said that if she is not sure she wants to stay with him, that she should not get the blessing.
And the Catholic church is not going to give a crap about these issues. They have a child, and were only married in a civil ceremony. It's the definition of "living in sin". No priest or deacon is going to suggest delaying marriage vows/blessing. Again, don't confuse these statements with my own personal beliefs.
Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate it.
I absolutely did not say she should suck it up. I said if she was debating leaving him, then she should not get the blessing.
That basically was saying, suck it up if you love him.
Yes, get over the whole blessing thing. It doesn't mean you have to suck it up in terms of the PTSD, the anger, the trust issues. That is what you should be standing your ground on.
If you believe your husband has a mental disorder (PTSD) or a mood disorder, then the finding Jesus stuff might be another symptom, a sort of mania.
Your idea that it's like a celebration of the working through of your problems sounds like the right track to me.
If my husband spontaneously found (or re-found) a religion and demanded that I marry him in its name, I would have an issue with that.
"Do what your husband says if you love him."
An example of where you should love your husband more than being right:
"I think the score of the game was 121-98 Bulls."
"No, it was 110-98 Bulls."
"No, it wasn't."
"You're probably right."
or something like
"I told you you needed to pick up baby from day care."
"You did not tell me that! That's why I made these plans!"
"You forget things a lot. This is causing a problem."
"You didn't tell me I needed to do that!"
"You know, you might be right. I might have just meant to tell you. I'm sorry I got accusing with you."
Yeah, they should really keep arguing about this blessing. Saves them the trouble of discussing unimportant things like her husbands anger issues. But the blessing! For the love of god, don't give in about the blessing. Anyone who suggests letting it go must not have their priorities straight.
We had our marriage convalidated by the Catholic church. We were married in the Methodist church, but I wanted to have DD christened in the Catholic church. (Long story about why we were married Methodist instead...) Anyway, we had to have the marriage convalidated and they did it at the same time as the baptism. (This was after marriage classes - even though we had been married 10+ years- and baptism classes.)
Nothing changed with our marriage.
I would recommend you looking into counseling. That seems like the only thing that could help to me. A blessing on your marriage is not going to make things change.
Dead horse: I don't think the Catholic Church's blessing will automatically fix your husband's problems.
If it does, maybe you should contact the Pope and let him know that the person who officiates the blessing has performed a miracle and he only has two more miracles to go before he can be a candidate for sainthood.
Unable to even.
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My son was baptised and we weren't married at all.