2+ time Mommas Feeling guilty...

octbridemaryland · February 2012

As much as I know I shouldn't feel guilty, I am having a hard time not feeling bad about leaving my daughter at home when I am in the hospital. It breaks my heart to think about her coming to the hospital and having to leave with family after visiting (especially if she cries it comes time to go).

I am in the home stretch and my mind keeps drifting to how she will cope with me not being home to put her to bed and not being there when she wakes up in the morning. It just makes me sad, because I don't want her to not be with us. I have been considering having my husband go home to her at night, but at the same time, I am worried about him bonding with the new baby. I think it is important for him to spend time with the new baby especially since those are the only days he'll have off from work.

I just hope the time in the hospital flies, and I am so exhausted I don't even think about it.

eiramami · February 2012

You could always do a couple test runs leading up to it so she gets used to having someone else put her to bed etc.

octbridemaryland · February 2012

She has definitely spent more time with my mom recently. At least once a week my mom watches her when I go in for my weekly appointment. Bedtime has always been my job, she (dd) always tries to drag it out with anyone else. I should just talk to my mom and see what she thinks. I am probably over-thinking and overreacting.

More than likely, she will be okay, especially if my nephews are around to keep her occupied. I think my hormones are messing with me. I've been really sappy and emotional recently with her. I am hoping it won't bother me as much once the new baby is here. I remember how weepy I was after my daughter was born. =(

Suern9870 · February 2012

It is totally normal to feel this way. I know I did when we had #2. (I'm expecting #3. My first 2 are 19 months apart.) It's a big adjustment going from parenting 1 to parenting 2 or more. I remember I felt a lot of guilt because my first was the first grandchild on DH side, and sooo much was made of her. When DD2 was born, it just didn't seem to me as though there was as much "excitement" surrounding her birth, at least as far as how my inlaws treated her. Don't get me wrong, they definitely loved her and were excited, but from day 1 she (#2) has had to share the limelight with #1. And I had to come to terms with the fact that she was born into a 'different' family, really, than #1, and their experiences won't be identical.

As far as hubby staying with you, I actually had my hubby go home. Many (more experienced) parents told me not to disrupt DD1's routine too much (as far as sending her to stay with family), because she might resent the younger one, and, really, the younger one won't know any different. So I would advise against your husband staying over night at hospital and sending your older daughter out. Really, how much 'bonding' will go on in the hospital between hubby and baby those first few nights, anyway? Is there anyway your husband can work during the day while you're at the hospital, and take a few days off after you get home? This is what my husband did. I'm sorry to say, the 'guilt' regarding how birth of child #2 effects child #1 doesn't end when you get home from hospital. It takes some time for the whole family to adjust. Good luck!

Under.the.Rose · February 2012

I know I'm going to miss him, but I'm going to try to focus my time on getting to know our daughter while I have some precious moments of one-on-one time in the hospital before we go home (having a c-section). I'm not too worried because I know that when he's not visiting at the hospital there will be my mom, dad, siblings and my IL's to entertain him.

I'm more worried about coordinating my family members because they don't exactly get along/hang out very well all together and they're all from out of town so this will be all that they're here for (ie. they won't have anything else to do with their time!).... haha maybe Connor will be all the common ground they need? I'm trying to be hopeful and I'll appoint my mom as the main care-giver for my son when DH is tending to me and Claire. That way there's no confusion.

megperk72 · February 2012

Suern9870:

As far as hubby staying with you, I actually had my hubby go home. Many (more experienced) parents told me not to disrupt DD1's routine too much (as far as sending her to stay with family), because she might resent the younger one, and, really, the younger one won't know any different. So I would advise against your husband staying over night at hospital and sending your older daughter out. Really, how much 'bonding' will go on in the hospital between hubby and baby those first few nights, anyway? Is there anyway your husband can work during the day while you're at the hospital, and take a few days off after you get home? This is what my husband did. I'm sorry to say, the 'guilt' regarding how birth of child #2 effects child #1 doesn't end when you get home from hospital. It takes some time for the whole family to adjust. Good luck!

This is what we plan on doing as well. DH will go home to put DD to bed and stay with her, so her routine isn't that disrupted. I will stay with DS in the hospital and they will come visit in the evenings. DD will continue with daycare as well.

I agree with the PP, there won't be that much bonding time in the hospital, there will be plenty of time at home for that. Even if he works, when he gets home you can spend some alone time with #1 while he gets to spend some alone time with #2.

octbridemaryland · February 2012

Suern9870:
It is totally normal to feel this way. I know I did when we had #2. (I'm expecting #3. My first 2 are 19 months apart.) It's a big adjustment going from parenting 1 to parenting 2 or more. I remember I felt a lot of guilt because my first was the first grandchild on DH side, and sooo much was made of her. When DD2 was born, it just didn't seem to me as though there was as much "excitement" surrounding her birth, at least as far as how my inlaws treated her. Don't get me wrong, they definitely loved her and were excited, but from day 1 she (#2) has had to share the limelight with #1. And I had to come to terms with the fact that she was born into a 'different' family, really, than #1, and their experiences won't be identical.
As far as hubby staying with you, I actually had my hubby go home. Many (more experienced) parents told me not to disrupt DD1's routine too much (as far as sending her to stay with family), because she might resent the younger one, and, really, the younger one won't know any different. So I would advise against your husband staying over night at hospital and sending your older daughter out. Really, how much 'bonding' will go on in the hospital between hubby and baby those first few nights, anyway? Is there anyway your husband can work during the day while you're at the hospital, and take a few days off after you get home? This is what my husband did. I'm sorry to say, the 'guilt' regarding how birth of child #2 effects child #1 doesn't end when you get home from hospital. It takes some time for the whole family to adjust. Good luck!

Thank you so much for responding. Sometimes you just need to be smacked with the reality stick. I think I will have him stay with my daughter at night. It will make me feel much better having him there to put her to bed and be there in the morning. I can talk to DH about working when I am at the hospital during the day also. I really never thought about that. So the day after you had #2, your husband went to work and then came back to the hospital afterward? Then I assume he took off the next day when you came home?

It's true that he probably won't bond much with the baby in the hospital. The more I think about it, the more I think having him at home would be better. Better quality and more enjoyable also. Was it hard for you to be at the hospital without your husband at all? I am not the "misery loves company" type of person. I suppose my mom can come and keep me company during the day.

And who knows? This could all be for nothing if the baby comes on the weekend

octbridemaryland · February 2012

megperk72:

This is what we plan on doing as well. DH will go home to put DD to bed and stay with her, so her routine isn't that disrupted. I will stay with DS in the hospital and they will come visit in the evenings. DD will continue with daycare as well.

I agree with the PP, there won't be that much bonding time in the hospital, there will be plenty of time at home for that. Even if he works, when he gets home you can spend some alone time with #1 while he gets to spend some alone time with #2.

I am coming to the realization that my DD will need my husband more than me. Having him home the first day or two when the baby is back would be really nice.

livinreality · February 2012

I am a SAHM so we are talking up the party DS will have with Grandma & Pappap while Mommy and Baby are at the hospital. We have been buying some special toys for that visit.

Also I will be sending DH home, just because I feel like one of us should be able to sleep... he will stay late and be back early, I figure I have a whole host of nurses to help me and with DS he slept through the nights and complained about the hospital chair couch thing...

Take the hospital as your time to focus on the new baby because when you get home you have to start balancing both children.

Suern9870 · February 2012

octbridemaryland:
Suern9870:
It is totally normal to feel this way. I know I did when we had #2. (I'm expecting #3. My first 2 are 19 months apart.) It's a big adjustment going from parenting 1 to parenting 2 or more. I remember I felt a lot of guilt because my first was the first grandchild on DH side, and sooo much was made of her. When DD2 was born, it just didn't seem to me as though there was as much "excitement" surrounding her birth, at least as far as how my inlaws treated her. Don't get me wrong, they definitely loved her and were excited, but from day 1 she (#2) has had to share the limelight with #1. And I had to come to terms with the fact that she was born into a 'different' family, really, than #1, and their experiences won't be identical.
As far as hubby staying with you, I actually had my hubby go home. Many (more experienced) parents told me not to disrupt DD1's routine too much (as far as sending her to stay with family), because she might resent the younger one, and, really, the younger one won't know any different. So I would advise against your husband staying over night at hospital and sending your older daughter out. Really, how much 'bonding' will go on in the hospital between hubby and baby those first few nights, anyway? Is there anyway your husband can work during the day while you're at the hospital, and take a few days off after you get home? This is what my husband did. I'm sorry to say, the 'guilt' regarding how birth of child #2 effects child #1 doesn't end when you get home from hospital. It takes some time for the whole family to adjust. Good luck!

Thank you so much for responding. Sometimes you just need to be smacked with the reality stick. I think I will have him stay with my daughter at night. It will make me feel much better having him there to put her to bed and be there in the morning. I can talk to DH about working when I am at the hospital during the day also. I really never thought about that. So the day after you had #2, your husband went to work and then came back to the hospital afterward? Then I assume he took off the next day when you came home?
It's true that he probably won't bond much with the baby in the hospital. The more I think about it, the more I think having him at home would be better. Better quality and more enjoyable also. Was it hard for you to be at the hospital without your husband at all? I am not the "misery loves company" type of person. I suppose my mom can come and keep me company during the day.
And who knows? This could all be for nothing if the baby comes on the weekend

My husband was off the day she was born (2pm). He went home that night around 9pm. Went to work the next day, while my in laws watched my older daughter, and came back to the hospital in the evening with DD1 , then went home at night. He did this again the next day; then I was discharged on day 3. During the day, a few friends, family came by to visit, I never felt "lonely". I was busy taking care of DD2, or resting. My hospital also encourages moms to attend the newborn care classes and breastfeeding classes during the day. So, no, it wasn't hard to be without him, but definitely different than w/#1.

That's the thing about having 2, your time is divided between the 2 kids. You have to come to terms with the fact that you can only do so much, you can only be in one place at a time. I remember feeling like I was always doing something for one child or the other, but it was never enough. KWIM? One child will always want your attention while you're taking care of the other. They do eventually learn to wait and you'll get to them eventually (which is actually a good lesson to learn early in life). It's hard at first, but with time it definitely gets easier and it's totally worth it. You (and your daughter) will be fine.

LuckyBride06 · February 2012

DH will probably only stay with me one night at the hospital, then he will go home to be with DS. I don't want DS to stay at my parent's or be "disrupted" from his routine longer then one day. I feel bad mostly that DS's life is about to change dramatically! We're trying to prepare him as much as possible. We talk about the baby all the time with him, we tell him what things will be like when the baby gets here... he may not truly understand yet bc he's only 2, but I'm hoping it helps him somewhat.

P.S.10 · February 2012

This is why I'm planning on being at the hospital as little time as possible; I'm shooting for a 12-hour post-partum stay, but I'll do 24-hours (or longer), if I really need to. DD has never been away from either of us for even one night, and we always put her to bed together, so I want to minimize the time away from her.

Our plan, right now, is for DH to go home and put DD to bed; then, he'll come back to the hospital to stay the night with me. Hopefully, we'll get out of the hospital the next day, so she'll only be affected one night. If I have to stay longer, he'll continue going home at night to put her to bed, and then come back to the hospital to stay the night with me. He'll also go home in the morning to get her ready and take her to daycare.

octbridemaryland · February 2012

Thanks everyone for responding. I feel much better. I talked to my H and we agreed he would stay the night at home with DD. It will definitely be a huge adjustment. I am convinced that no matter what, I will suffer from "mommy guilt" about some aspect of having another baby. It's nice to know I am not alone, though

& Sue...I really appreciate your words of wisdom. We will definitely survive

bluejayway · February 2012

I'm having the same issues of guilt, and really wondering how I'm going to cope with my divided attention. My DD's 18 months old and I am a SAHM, so she is super attached to me. She loves being with my parents, though, and they are going to come stay with her while I'm in the hospital. I'm just hoping to come home as soon as possible and have DH pop back and forth so she's not totally disrupted. In reality, though, I know she's going to have a great time with the grandparents and I really shouldn't be worried...two days of stickers, mac & cheese, and new stuffed animals, is like a blip on her timeline.

I'm more worreid about when we get home and DH goes back to work and my mom and inlaws leave....I'll be left with two and I still rock my first DD to sleep a lot. HOOOOW am I going to do it?!

FormerlyKrista555 · February 2012

We are hoping to make it easier for our daughter by giving her a gift when she comes to the hospital, so that she has something to be excited about when she leaves. We bought her a Baby Alive doll on clearance, and she's gonna flip out.... she loves babies.

Also, it helps that the people caring for our daughter are my sister and my parents-- people she is very comfortable around.

ZoeyMarie · February 2012

I'm having the same thoughts/feelings. My sister will have G when this one comes along. I've tried convincing DH to go home or at least to take G and spend the night at his parent's house which is about 2 minutes from the hospital, but it's a no-go.

cs1007 · February 2012

I feel the same way. I am having a repeat c-section, so I know I will be there for at least 4 days. Breaks my heart...I SAH with him, we are together 24/7 and he is such a mama's boy. I am going to miss him like crazy and probably cry everyday. He will be with my mom, whom he adores, so I know he will have fun, but I am going to miss him soooo much:(. I also feel so guilty that he wil not have all of my attention anymore. (Okay...starting to get weepy...darn hormones!)

FinallyMrsBMW · February 2012

I know it's hard to leave your little one when they are little like that. My DD is a little over 3 and it is definitely easier at this age. She cries now when we tell her that she can't spend the night at one of her grandparents' houses. She is probably just as excited about getting some time to spend alone with them as she is to get a new sister.

Hopefully your time in the hospital goes quickly or that you can choose to go home a little early.

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