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Northern California Babies
how do you respond to crazy?
so for those of you with crazy parents or in laws that still interact with them (you know who you are) or even brothers, etc, how do you change your interaction? Obviously they are going to be unpredictable and you just never know when insanity is coming your way. So for those of you that have some constructive way of dealing with this, how do you STOP yourself from reacting to it?
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Re: how do you respond to crazy?
My IL's are crazy, and have caused me a lot of grief over the years. The best way I've found to deal with it is to accept that they're crazy (and always will be), and that I can control my actions but not theirs. When they do something that raises the hair on the back of my neck, I try to remind myself that this is just who they are, and that it has nothing to do with who I am. Then I try really hard to handle it in the most tactful, "high road" way possible. That way, I know that at least I handled things appropriately, even if they didn't. From there, I try to evaluate whether a boundary needs to be set, changed or enforced as a result.
For instance, the day we announced to our parents that we were expecting, my MIL told me she'd like to buy the crib. However, DH and I had already selected a specific crib, which was also kind of expensive, and I certainly didn't want to put my MIL in the awkward position of feeling obligated to spend so much. So, I politely declined her offer, explaining that we had already selected one, but that it was pricey and I didn't want them to have to pay for that. The next day I find out through my BIL's GF that my MIL complained about this to FIL later that night (DH and I were not there), claiming that I said she wasn't "allowed" to buy a crib (which was not AT ALL what I said), and conveniently leaving out the part about the crib being pricey and me not wanting them to have to pay for that. Fortunately, BIL's GF had been there for the original convo, and corrected MIL and brought up what I actually said (and even mentioned how much the crib was, because I had showed it to her and MIL). But FIL (who tends to play right into MIL's tendencies to "play the victim") focused instead on how "ridiculous" the price was (even though it's really not). I was naturally livid and hurt when I found out, and so was DH (who tends to defend his parent's crazy behavior). DH was ready to confront his parents about it, but I opted instead to send MIL a very diplomatic email saying "I worry there may have been some miscommunication/misunderstanding", and not mentioning that I heard she was talking behind my back. And then I clearly explained to her why I declined the offer, and made sure to let her know that I appreciated the thoughtfulness of it. My MIL's response back was kind of odd and not helpful in resolving anything, but at that point I chose to just let it go. She had all the facts, and if she wanted to continue to turn it into something it was not, I couldn't stop her. It ultimately led to DH and I deciding to set some new boundaries about what kind of information we will share with his parents (for instance, not sharing the cost of items we purchase with them so they can't over-react/judge). We didn't outright share this decision with the IL's, but chose to just implement it silently.
Sometimes, all you can do when dealing with crazy people, is to set boundaries, create distance as appropriate, take the diplomatic high road, and try your hardest to not take any of their craziness personally.
Mama's Clone - 07/18/12
My gut is always to check in with people I do trust to see if my perception of the "crazy" is correct or not. I want to be sure before I fly off the handle that I have all the facts. About 70% of the time I do not.
When I do have the right facts and it still seems crazy to me and my trustworthy peeps say, "Yeah that is crazy." Then I do as pp do and try to set some other boundaries. It's an on-going effort to make sure that my response to the situation at hand is appropriate and not based on past hurt or judgement. So for the relative that I know doesn't like me and prefers to exclude me, if I'm feeling hurt about being left out, I try to check in with others to make sure that is actually the case before I react. And I try not to react with spite later just to make myself feel better (skip her kid's party because her kid's skipped mine). For other situations that are ongoing issues, I work hard to make boundaries that will make me feel safe amid crazy. So we get a hotel when visiting some relatives. We limit time spent with them. We are careful about what and how we share news.
I was thinking about the call screening earlier. I have to do more of that. I mos definitely should not have answered today. The breathe and respond cooly only makes them more incensed. They are looking for a fight so you can be the villain and they can be the victim. It's a no win once I answer the phone.
Screen the calls! there you have it. It's that simple. I particularly can't talk to them when Elena is present. She got really upset today and that is exactly what i want to prevent. They did enough damage to me, they don't need to transfer it to her.
Thanks all.
br
I think I understand what you are looking for now. When I am in that situation, I utilize a few different strategies:
*I only answer the phone if I am emotionally and situationally able to handle my mom's crazy.
*i focus on being the adult. She reverts to her inner six year old, so I take on the role of the parent and I treat her much like I would Eloise; calmly but firmly. Thinking of her as a sick child really helps me depersonalize it. Also, when I do let her get my goat, I never feel good about it because it is like fighting with someone weaker than myself.
*I've learned the art of the preface. Things that I know are going to spark a fight, I preface. I might say, "I know this has been a sensitive subject for us but..." or "I really want to have a constructive conversation about..." if things turn ugly I say, "this isn't constructive, let's try again when we are both calm." or, " I hear what you are saying but I respectfully disagree and I don't see either of us changing our minds so let's civilly end this and agree to respect each others differences."
*lastly I've tried to build our relationship in new ways (skype with the grand kids, asking advice on neutral subjects, etc) and I've been really upfront that I am working on our relationship. I told her that I want to enjoy a happy and healthy relationship with her and I want her grand kids to know and value her too. I am shocked but she is actually beginning to reciprocate my efforts. She even told me the other day that she and I do better with clearly outlined boundaries. This was a line I had used on her a few weeks earlier when she was itching for a fight.
This is why I sought help; we were headed in that direction and I did not want it to come to that. That being said, my therapist taught me something really key in dealing with the guilt/pity: nobody has the right to abuse you. Even if they are sad, sick, whatever. You are not doing them any favors by allowing them to treat you badly and you are certainly not helping yourself or providing a good example for E. I am so sorry you are dealing with this!
I think the problem is that you're taking on a certain amount of responsibility for their behavior, like you should be able to do something to stop/change it. It sounds to me like if they will rampage whether you fight back or not, that there's nothing you can do to stop that. It's the choice they made. They're grown adults, not children, and are fully responsible for their own actions.
Your ultimate responsibility is to yourself (and your child of course). You have every right (and obligation) to do whatever is in your best interest, regardless of how it makes other people feel/react. Again, they're adults. Actions have consequences, and if they don't like the consequences stemming from their actions, it's up to them to figure out how to change things in a way that gives them what they want -- not expect you, or anyone else, to do it for them.
So, if that means that hanging up is the only way you can find to stop the abusive behavior, then do it and don't feel bad about it. Clearly they don't care about how you feel, or they would be finding more constructive, healthy ways to discuss their concerns with you. You do yourself no favors by putting your needs/safety/feelings aside for theirs. Set a boundary. Either tell them in the moment, or send them a note after you hang up. Make it clear that it's not okay for them to call you ranting, and that if they wish to discuss something with you, you will need them to be more respectful of how they speak to you, and of your time (in case they call at a time that is not convenient). If they cannot speak to you in a respectful manner, and begin yelling at you/using abusive language, you will hang up on them immediately. They are welcome to call you back when they are ready to talk with you calmly and rationally. That sets a boundary and consequence. Then you have to enforce that consistently. Oh... they won't like it. It may even make them even angrier, but that's because crazy people often freak out for awhile when people stop putting up with their crazy behavior because they realize they're losing "control".
I went through this with my dad, about 7 years ago. In his case, he had developed a very serious substance abuse problem. This led to the development of mental illness issues (including a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, and borderline schizophrenia). My dad stepped WAY out of line, and did some extremely crazy, hurtful, awful things. And he was dragging ME right into the middle of it. At first, I got involved by trying to "help" him, and "fix" things, and tried to respond to his unreasonableness with reason. And then I hit a point where I knew that I was teetering on the edge of an emotional/mental breakdown, and sought help. That led me to start learning how to set boundaries, like the one I suggested above. At first, my dad agreed to those boundaries. But when he violated one of them in a very, very major way a few weeks later, I had to enforce the consequences -- which for me meant distancing myself from him until I felt safe enough to resume contact (which, as I also explained to him, included that he needed to get treatment for his issues). My dad FLIPPED OUT. He started sending me even crazier emails and voice mails, trying to guilt and manipulate me. He tried to get at me through my brothers. At Christmas that year, he "surprised" me by purchasing a mountain of gifts for me (as if he could buy me back with stuff), which only hurt and angered me. But he never did the things that allowed me to feel safe having a relationship with him, and thus I remained steadfastly estranged from him (short of brief "hellos" at family functions we both attended) until he committed suicide a few years later. But even then, I don't regret that I had pulled away, because he was a TOXIC PERSON in my life, and I had learned that I did not deserve to be exposed to abusive, hurtful behavior just because someone was "family". I knew that I had carefully considered my options, and had done exactly what was best for ME, and that my dad knew what my boundaries and consequences were, and he knew what I expected from him, and yet he chose not to do what he truly needed to in order to reestablish our relationship.
Don't be afraid to value yourself enough to put your foot down and refuse to allow such behavior in your life. Stop worrying about how it makes other people feel, when they are giving no respect to your feelings. Don't play games of "agreeing and then dealing with it later". Don't make them think something's okay when it's not. Don't protect them or excuse their behavior. If you do those things, they'll only think they have the right to continue walking all over you, because you're letting them get away with it.
Good luck. I know how incredibly hard it is. But when you make the choice to put yourself first, and realize how much happier and healthier you can be when you refuse to allow toxic people and behavior in your life, I hope you'll find like I did that the only shame is that you didn't do it sooner.
Mama's Clone - 07/18/12
Thanks everyone for these personal and well thought out replies, They are all extremely helpful. I really appreciate the time and mental energy it takes to discuss these type of issues. I'm sorry about your dad, Dani, that must have been rough.
I will definitely take all of this advice and discuss it with my therapist as well. With my folks, they play "cut off my nose to spite my face" with me, so they will give me the total silent treatment. I don't have to deal with enraged phone calls now unless I reinitiate contact with them. That is the rub. Do I? or don't I? Right? They clearly expect me to play the five year old and come sobbing back for forgiveness because that is the mental game they have been playing with me since i was born. So in order to stay in contact, I have to call them, in fact I always have to call them. If I don't they complain, Why don't you call us? It's all on me.
I am very close to cutting it off, and just not bothering anymore. It's such a sad situation, but i have done nothing to feel guilty about, I never have and I hate feeling this bad for nothing. If I do resume contact though I will make sure to set firm boundaries and not get caught up in their manipulative nonsense. They have no friends or family to speak of due to this paranoid and borderline pattern of behavior, I am the only one that still puts up with them for the most part and it is so pathetic to think of them being old and all alone. But it's a self fulfilling prophecy, they will go around saying "see there really was no one we could trust. we knew it all along". At least they will feel vindicated.
I was so mad when I was going to visit and I wanted to spend time with my BFF and her family, they said "she is not family" I felt like saying "she is more my family than you are"