vent about sucky friends & TTC

Ashbear2 · February 2012

I just lost my #1 TTC support friend. She basically blew up at me saying I "want to get pregnant asap, no matter how it happens" and that I am baby crazed. She argued that I always have excuses to her advice because I "think she doesnt know what it's like to go thru this" and she's walking on eggshells for it.

All this coming from the girl who got KU on her honeymoon and ppl constantly call her "fertile myrtle." For real. She was the one who told me to try certain herbs, and see a different dr. And now she's thru with me??

I just kinda need to vent about this because yeah, she doesn't know what it's like, and I can't believe I thought I could turn to her- or anyone, for that matter, who hasn't dealt with IF. I'm starting to feel very alone, cuz DH doesnt understand all the issues either, and I am beginning to believe her points: I am baby crazed, obsessed with getting my way at the expense of my relationships, and I "harp on the issue".

I can't make any excuses against her argument, but I quote on quote "harp" because it's the one major thing happening in my life right now. I want to be hopeful, and have something good to look forward to. This is such a trial, and my hormones are raging. I just would like a listening ear. She got her baby, and she doesnt understand how it feels to pine for one like I do. She doesn't have an empty void. She doesn't pray to God in confusion, wondering about having the right attitude to pray with. This is a struggle- and a medical issue. It's like me telling her I dont want to hear about her chemo treatments anymore, 5 months after her dx of cancer. She contradicts herself every couple of weeks saying shes here for me, and wants to help, and then complains about what I have to tell her, as if I didn't take her advice and do a 360 on my position on life.

Has anyone else gotten to this point with their relationships? Or does it sound like I need to take a step back?

notquiteblushing · February 2012

How many times have you complained to her? I think maybe you're overreacting. Yeah TTCing is important to YOU right now but it may not be something she wants to talk about all the time. That's why we have the bump.

And also, she has cancer?! Holy crap, cut her some slack.

southernbear · February 2012

Sorry this all went down for you - TTC is stressful enough without negative people making it worse. Maybe she's going through something right now too that is causing her to snap? Either way, if that were my situation, I'd try to give her some space for a while while you both cool down. Though my first official TTC cycle is this month, I've been going through a lot with my emotional and physical health over the past year leading up to this (related to TTC), and I know what you mean that it feels like you're all alone. It's a really lonely feeling - it's actually what prompted me to join the Bump... I'm glad you're here and have an outlet that can't turn it's back on you. Sorry again and hope things pick up for you soon. Keep praying.

Ashbear2 · February 2012

notquiteblushing:
How many times have you complained to her? I think maybe you're overreacting. Yeah TTCing is important to YOU right now but it may not be something she wants to talk about all the time. That's why we have the bump.

And also, she has cancer?! Holy crap, cut her some slack.

I have complained to her maybe 3 or 4 times formally. But it does come up in conversation like "How's this going?" almost every time we talk.

Haha, no she's perfectly healthy. I was just making a sarcastic jab. IF she had cancer, she wouldnt like me telling her to shut up.

But I guess it is hyper sensitivity, on my part. Im just discouraged by her.

gplove94 · February 2012

Sorry you're going through this. It must be tough to think you have someone in your life you can vent to but then they turn around and seem annoyed w/ your venting. A friendship is give and take and she should be there to listen, but since she can't relate she's probably having difficulty understanding where you're coming from. Other people on the board know where you're coming from so maybe venting here and connecting w/ people that actually do know/understand what you're going through.

Spruce14 · February 2012

Sorry Ash. TTC is a struggle and having someone turn around on you like that doesn't help. Nobody can understand but others who have been TTC as well. I for one never understood how hard it would be until I started trying. It's emotionally draining and the "what ifs" are always ringing in the back of you head.

I would let her know that her reaction hurt you and I would avoid talking about it for a while- or talking to her in general. She owes you an apology. This is the main reason I come to TB to talk to you girls about it- nobody else would understand. I have one friend who i occasionally talk to but i don't too much because I know she will say relax etc etc. and that's never helpful.

Sorry you have to go through this!

mrskitton · February 2012

That really sucks.....my friends are super amazing for me! But, in reality, maybe its time to find some new friends.....

Newhall84 · February 2012

Comparing IF to cancer isn't really fair. If your friend was faced with death you wouldn't ever tell her to shut up about.

I have found that there are certain people I can talk to and there are certain people I can't. In fact, I actually get bored and annoyed hearing myself talk about it so much that I can totally understand why my friends would start changing the subject.

She most definitely could have been nicer about it and you should (if you care to salvage the relationship) just tell her how hard this really is for you and how all you really need a shoulder to cry on not one that judges you. Then decide whether it's even a relationship worth saving. Sorry you have to go through this- TTC is stressful enough, adding drama in the mix can't be helpful to your psyche!!!

And it would really piss me off if my friend who accidentally got pregnant started telling me HOW to get pregnant. Ooohhhh I'm fuming just thinking about it!

lamo1210 · February 2012

Ashbear2:
notquiteblushing:
How many times have you complained to her? I think maybe you're overreacting. Yeah TTCing is important to YOU right now but it may not be something she wants to talk about all the time. That's why we have the bump.
And also, she has cancer?! Holy crap, cut her some slack.
I have complained to her maybe 3 or 4 times formally. But it does come up in conversation like "How's this going?" almost every time we talk.
Haha, no she's perfectly healthy. I was just making a sarcastic jab. IF she had cancer, she wouldnt like me telling her to shut up.
But I guess it is hyper sensitivity, on my part. Im just discouraged by her.

whoa whoa whoa, I had a friend who actually did tell me to not talk about the things I was going thru with cancer. And all I thought about while reading this was her!

Idk your friendship but if I could give advice, it would be to drop this friend. If she can't hear you out on things like TTC then forget her. If she was a real good friend she would talk off topic and tell you and not just one day say shes sick of hearing about it!

Ashbear2 · February 2012

lamo1210:
Ashbear2:
notquiteblushing:
How many times have you complained to her? I think maybe you're overreacting. Yeah TTCing is important to YOU right now but it may not be something she wants to talk about all the time. That's why we have the bump.
And also, she has cancer?! Holy crap, cut her some slack.
I have complained to her maybe 3 or 4 times formally. But it does come up in conversation like "How's this going?" almost every time we talk.
Haha, no she's perfectly healthy. I was just making a sarcastic jab. IF she had cancer, she wouldnt like me telling her to shut up.
But I guess it is hyper sensitivity, on my part. Im just discouraged by her.

whoa whoa whoa, I had a friend who actually did tell me to not talk about the things I was going thru with cancer. And all I thought about while reading this was her!
Idk your friendship but if I could give advice, it would be to drop this friend. If she can't hear you out on things like TTC then forget her. If she was a real good friend she would talk off topic and tell you and not just one day say shes sick of hearing about it!

Wow, that's unacceptable. I'm sorry this actually happened.

I was looking for an unrealistic comparison, so wow. I am shocked that really happened. I should be less dramatic now lol

Mrs.Syntax · February 2012

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going to share something just to give you some perspective, I'm not saying this is like your situation at all.

I am currently thinking about cutting off ties with a friend, and what your friend said to you sounds like something I might say to my friend if it comes to it. My friend is pretty self-centered, and always has been, but for the past couple years she has been insane with her complaints about her life. She came over for an overnight visit last year and literally spent the entire time crying about her relationship with her mother. She will call me and spend 2+ hours complaining about her job. I try to 1) sympathize 2) offer advice if asked and 3) then try to steer the conversation in a more positive direction. But she just keeps dwelling on these things that are bothering her. She seriously has no clue what's going on in my life. She knows about my miscarriages but has barely acknowledged them. When I told her, she said, "Oh my gosh, sorry" and then started talking about something else again.

In short, yes, you should be able to share your problems with friends, but if your struggles dominate the conversation all of the time, I can see why your friend has had it. Maybe I'm being a giant beyotch. I don't know.

beth9409 · February 2012

TTC can be frustrating and all consuming. I have one friend who I talk to about it. I try not to mention it much. She has two kids. The first was an accident and the second was on the first try. She is now pregnant again. She started trying 2 months after I did. We were briefly at the same point in our lives. I find it harder to talk to her about it because she doesn' t have any idea how it feels to not know if you are capable of getting pregnant.

If the friend is really important to you, then I would salvage the relationship and not talk about TTC with her anymore. You always have us: random strangers who are in the same boat as you.

I have a close friend that I do not discuss TTC with because she isn't married or in a relationship. She feels like she will never find someone to share her life with, let alone someone to have a child with. I don't want to be a reminder of what she doesn't have.

Newhall84 · February 2012

beth9409:
I have a close friend that I do not discuss TTC with because she isn't married or in a relationship. She feels like she will never find someone to share her life with, let alone someone to have a child with. I don't want to be a reminder of what she doesn't have.

such a good point- i was talking to a friend of mine about how hard it is recently and she quietly said, "well at least you haven't had a string of unhealthy relationships and aren't afraid you'll never find someone to share your life with" ... I almost started to cry because she was right.

Everyone is fighting their own battles.

BlueEyedDreamer · February 2012

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. A few thoughts after reading your post.

First, and least importantly, it's "quote, unquote" not "quote on quote." This is an expression used when speaking to denote that you are quoting something, often something that you think may be untrue or inaccurate. So when you're writing something out and actually using quotation marks around the word, you really don't need this expression.

Second, I think you are letting TTC get to you. We've all been there, and it sucks, but I'd recommend trying to get some perspective. Get a hobby and try to distract yourself so that TTC isn't the only thing happening in your life at the moment. In the future, pick friends who didn't get honeymoon babies if you want support over TTC issues.

And finally, comparing your "medical issue" to cancer treatments is pretty ridiculous. There are ladies on here who have gone through cancer treatments, and I would hate to imagine how they feel about this flippant comparison

gplove94 · February 2012

Brdway16:
beth9409:
I have a close friend that I do not discuss TTC with because she isn't married or in a relationship. She feels like she will never find someone to share her life with, let alone someone to have a child with. I don't want to be a reminder of what she doesn't have.

such a good point- i was talking to a friend of mine about how hard it is recently and she quietly said, "well at least you haven't had a string of unhealthy relationships and aren't afraid you'll never find someone to share your life with" ... I almost started to cry because she was right.
Everyone is fighting their own battles.

Yes

janice9821 · February 2012

notquiteblushing:
How many times have you complained to her? I think maybe you're overreacting. Yeah TTCing is important to YOU right now but it may not be something she wants to talk about all the time. That's why we have the bump.

And also, she has cancer?! Holy crap, cut her some slack.

nqb, just butting in to say... I love your siggy pic. Looks just like my kitty, TK, and is totally something he would do when he was a kitten.

Also, to OP - sorry your friend is being contradictory. It's tough dealing with people who don't know what they want. Maybe when she asks, just don't offer so many details, unless you've really had something noteworthy happen on the TTC front - then just let her ask for more details if she wants them.

Neesey · February 2012

Have you asked her what it going on with her to cause her to snap at you? Maybe something is bothering her and she feels you are so wrapped up in TTC that you don't care. Just my 2 cents. I've been on the side of a friendship where she didn't ever know what was going on with me because she was so focused on herself and the problems in her life. It really sucks to have a totally one-sided relationship where you give and give and get nothing in return. When I stopped being emotionally invested and treated the "friend" more like an acquaintance, things were actually better for both of us. I didn't get my feeling hurt that she only wanted to talk about herself and we kept our conversations on lighter topics. It was a true eye-opening experience. She called me after about two years of this and apologized. She said she realized what she had been doing and it made a world of difference for our relationship. I'm not saying that you are doing exactly this to her but it is something to think about.

jelizabeth006 · February 2012

I can totally see your frustration you are def not alone! I try to talk to my BFF about TTC and she is over the conversation. I know I probably talk about it to much but she is my best friends so who else are you suppose to turn to? We are just at different points in our life and I try to not bring it up anymore because I love her friendship and if this is one area we can't talk about then I'll just have to find someone else for my TTC venting.

https://myjourneytobaby.blogspot.com/

nbalkin · February 2012

BlueEyedDreamer:

And finally, comparing your "medical issue" to cancer treatments is pretty ridiculous. There are ladies on here who have gone through cancer treatments, and I would hate to imagine how they feel about this flippant comparison

THIS!!

OP I am sorry that you are feeling hurt by your friend, but comparing your 4 months of ttc to possible cancer treatments is uncalled for. I am a cancer survivor and the 6 months I went through chemo was harder than the 7 months I have been TTC. I dropped so-called friends because they talked about silly things with me while I was fighting for my life. Unless you have been a cancer patient, you have no idea what it feels like. So i appreciate that you are hurt, but watch what you say on here, because there are a lot of cancer survivors on here and I for one don't appreciate your little comparison.

wiggles527 · February 2012

I'm sorry you've have to deal with this. I saw in your post you were implying that you are dealing with IF issues. What IF issues? I saw that you have been TTC since Oct. Not getting pregnant since Oct isn't an IF issue. Neither is the PCOS, thyroid issues, or the varcicele. Is there something else not listed in your siggy that qualifies as IF and I just missed it?