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Attachment Parenting
anna7602
member
Another "taking responsibility" question
anna7602
member
I posted a couple of weeks ago about how to encourage DD to take more responsibility for her decisions (she's almost 4), but I have a better example to give of the situation I mean. With thanks to those who offered advice on what to do when DD complains about having left something at home (a toy, etc.), here's a typical scenario that drives me much more batty and that I don't know what to do about.
We went to the movies with DD's preschool class today. Kids whose moms were accompanying them could make their own way home after the movie, instead of going back to school. Another mom asked if I wanted to split a cab with them, since she lives a block away from me. I don't love cabs (or spending $ on them), but I asked DD and she wanted to ride with her friend. Ten minutes later, we still hadn't found a cab on the street and DD started saying she wanted to walk home. That seemed reasonable to me. So she said goodbye to her friend and we started walking home. Not even a block later, she burst out in tears because "she really wanted to take a taxi with her friend." I tried to explain calmly and firmly that it was her decision to walk home, but you would think I just told her I was going to kill a puppy. We kept walking, she kept crying. I tried to distract her 20 different ways, focusing on what we would have for lunch when we got home, the interesting stores we would be walking by on the way home, etc. I resorted to buying her a pastry to "cheer her up."
Now, maybe she was crying because she was hungry, or maybe she was crying because we were in a new part of town and she honestly had no idea how long the walk home would be (not that long) or maybe because she was tired since she spent all last week sick and still isn't 100%, but I can assure you that there is some variation on this theme at least a few times/week. She tells me she doesn't want to go to the grocery store with me and then 3 hours later, is upset because we didn't go the grocery store or because I went without her and left her at home with daddy.
The easy answer to this is to not let her make any decisions, but if I believed that, I wouldn't be posting on this board. Up until now, giving her choices and asking for her input on things has worked out pretty well for us. She's very strong willed and I generally find that things are much less of a battle when I ask for her opinion instead of making unilateral decisions. Of course, there are situations in which I have to make unilateral decisions here and there, but I hope you know what I mean. And, of course, we're still dealing with DD's heightened sensitivity to everything and anything due to the total rearrangement of her universe with our move to France.
So, advice? Do I need to just chill and try to say ommm when she breaks down on the sidewalk or is there something I can do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Another "taking responsibility" question
So astute and yet you just basically put another dagger in my already breaking-for-my-homesick-child heart. Gaaa. I think I need to go drink some wine now. Good thing it's almost 5 here.
Ding ding ding ding ding!
These are the words I have been searching for to describe DD lately. This phrase absolutely nails it.
Anna, let me know when the phase ends so I can keep that in mind next time I want to lose myshit.
Then again, isn't this a phase that doesn't really end? Don't we all "want it all" to some degree? As adults this manifests into all sorts of different behaviors which may not be healthy but are more socially acceptable out on the street than a screaming tantrum.
I read this earlier but can't post from my phone and meant to reply to it all day.
My son went through this hard core and it drove me insane. Like you, we are really into respecting his opinion and feelings and tend to ask his thoughts on all sorts of things. All of a sudden no matter which choice he made he regretted it. Loudly!
We ended up giving him less choices. While I still do believe that it is a wonderful way to respect him, it was obvious that giving him so many choices was really hurting rather than helping. It was a hard adjustment for me as I was so used to 'What do you think, J?" or "What would you like?" but in the end it seemed to really reduce the stress for both of us. He was able to better enjoy what he had or what we were doing when he didn't have any attention stuck to what he didn't pick.
For the record, he seemed to be about as 'bad' as your LO, and there were no big changes in our lives so try not to attach your guilt to something that 100% isn't your fault. I agree with Fred and think she is dead on with the science behind this phase and you both will make it through it!