Okay, so yesterday I called my OB and he managed to see me earlier today.
After speaking to him about the ways I was feeling and how long I have been feeling this way, he says he wants me to see someone for the time being to get a better feel of the situation.
His words were, "I am a bit worried about your safety and that of the baby's with the information you have given me. I am not a psychiatrist, so I cannot diagnose you, but I think it best if you do see someone so that we can have a diagnosis if needed and try to work towards a better and more comfortable situation for yourself and the baby at this time."
He gave me the numbers of several psychiatrists in my area to go around and find someone I find comfortable with and then begin seeing them. After I choose I am supposed to let him know who they are and also let them know who my OB is so they can be in contact and help choose the best course of action for me.
I have to be honest this all scares me... I felt as my OB was talking it was just bouncing off and maybe the severity of the way I am feeling isn't really central in my mind. He says he worries about the baby's safety, and maybe he should be worried.... I should be more worried, but I am not. I feel horrible, it isn't the baby's fault, he hasn't done anything to me to make me feel the way that I do. All he did was be conceived, I should be happy...
My DH was there with me for everything today, and he has time after training tomorrow (thank god football season is over) to see the referred psychiatrists with me. I called them all today and they gave me times to stop by tomorrow so I can become acquainted and decide if I want to continue seeing them.
This all feels a bit overwhelming and a part of me doesn't know what to do, but I know that I need help. I am a bit apprehensive about seeing psychiatrists... it makes me nervous. I just hope I can find comfort in one of them so they can help me no longer feel this way about my son.
I don't want to hate him... It makes me hate myself that I hate him. I just want to be happy again.
Thanks for listening ladies.