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2nd Trimester
stylistgypsy
member
Best friend get more and more distant each week ... help?
stylistgypsy
member
Both myself and one of my best friends TTC for 8+ years. It finally happened for me - it isn't happening for her. When I told her I was pregnant I did so in a email to allow her to deal with her emotions in private. I have been extremly sensitive and respectful of her feelings, since I obviously relate to them.
When I hit 16 weeks the trouble started because I was showing. She and I were meeting up for a girls date we always do, and she told me that she has 0 interest in talking about the baby, if we go shopping she refuses to go near a maternity store or anything baby related. Ok .. no problem, I can respect that too.
When I hit 20 weeks and strangers started commenting on my pregnancy she got ... weird. I tried to gently ask her how I could best support her emotionally since I could see that my physical changes bothered her to see. At this point she told me she has 0 interest in ever being around my baby. She told me she just wants to maintain a friendship , but the way it was that does not involve this new part of my life.
Since this conversation another month has passed, and I realize that her and I are sadly going in very opposite directions that dont involve each other. I can deal with the fact that some friendships dont always withstand the test of time, but I dont want to leave this is a awkward way. I really love her and it is important to me that even if this part of our lives wont be shared that she knows how much she meant to me...
Help?
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Re: Best friend get more and more distant each week ... help?
Sounds like she just needs some space from seeing you.
I would still call her if you can but if she does not feel comfrotable seeing you then I would not push it.
I'm sorry that your friend isn't able to express her happiness at your pregnancy. And if she is a good friend, she is happy for you, though she's also hurt that she's not the one who is pregnant. I also think she may be jealous (which I think is a bit normal).
My friend and I were pregnant at the same time. We lost our baby in July, and when I got home from the hospital, the invitation to her baby shower was waiting in the mail. I called her to tell her why I wouldn't be going, but still sent a gift. I was still happy for her, but not quite ready to be part of her baby's celebration.
I did go see her and her son after he was born in November, and it was a great experience. I just needed some time to adjust before continuing on with our friendship. Things have been great ever since.
I would let your friend decide when she's ready to hang out with you. If she's really a good friend, she'll come around when she's figured out all her emotions. If she doesn't come around, I'm sorry, but there are just some people that you don't need to be friends with.
If this is your best friend and someone who you love, then healthy, kind conflict seems the best appraoch--no games, no passive-agression, no belittling her emotions (not that you are leaning toward that, but because advice in these kinds of posts tends to go that way). I think you've said it here honestly and kindly...you recognize a change, you recognize her emotions, and you don't know what is next. Can you say it in a way like that? (Say it in person, don't call or email). What are her thoughts? Your baby is going to be a part of your life and your friendship, does she have ideas for navigating that? In the super-duper tough-love, but worth it to ask in as tactful a way as you can...is she in touch with any resources to help her process her journey? IF steals so much from a person, but friendships do not have to be one of them. Is she aware of the options or taking advantage? RESOLVE has support groups, her RE (if she's used one, may offer a group), there is counseling, depending on her faith views there are religous/inspirational devotionals and books, etc. Giving suggestions like that is a tricky road, but if you tread carefully and sensitively and ask questions and listen, it can appropriate and helpful.
In the end, she has to decide if she is willing to process her emotions and be a friend back or if she needs space. Even if she chooses space, you can still reach out every now and then and let her know the door is open when/if she's ready
More Green For Less Green
I'm sorry you are in this situation.
I personally haven't had any ttc so i can't imagine what she's going through.
however, and i'll probably get flammed, I don't think it is acceptable how she is treating you. I understand it must be hard for her, but is now never going to assosciate with people who have kids. It really frustrates me when people can't be happy for other people until they are happy for themselves.
My BFF started trying a couple of months prior to us. She has really long and all over the place cycles. so when we told her we were pregnant on the second try she showed no excitemen no interest. It was only after she got pregnant (6 weeks later) that she showed any interest in my pregnancy. I was excited when she started asking questions, but when i counted back to when she found out and that was the only reason she cared it hurt me.
I would say give her some space and maybe she will come around. But to think that you can have a relationship with her that doesnt involve your children at all is unrealistic to me.
good luck
She must be really hurting...not by you, of course, but by the loneliness that comes with not being able to conceive when your best friend is pregnant.
I would reach out to her and let her know that you understand if it is difficult for her to be around you given the difficulties she has had conceiving (partly to which you can relate during the number of years you were TTC unsuccessfully). But let her know that you are there for her, any way you can be.
Give her space. Hope she is able to find a way to deal with her emotions. But I just couldn't feel ill will towards her given how much she must be dealing with.
Different circumstances, but my BFF from age 18 and I took what we now refer to as a 2 year break up. She was going through a divorce, and I had just met my DH. I was madly in love, going gaga, had fallen off the face of the earth because DH and I spent every waking second together and she was going through a divorce. She couldn't be happy for me, and I couldn't wrap my head around her 'grass is greener' side. Her DH was awesome, they ended up divorced, and are now back together, married with 2 kids. So all I can say is give her the space, and if you go your separate ways, you may very well come back together. Let her know you love her and you value your friendship and you will always be there for her.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I have had many candid conversations with her about this subject without trying to beat a dead horse at the same time - and I think that perhaps I need to just give her the obvious space she needs.
The more that I think about it, the more I realize that if she is unable to be around the baby , that will be a very unrealistic expectation since he will obviously be a very central part of my life. I have no interest in pushing this on her .. if she can not cope with the change or want to be around it I am going to just have to accept that and move on
Don't take what your friend said personally. She's in emotional pain. The "I don't want to be around your baby" wasn't coming from a place of being mean or hate, it was coming from a place of deep sadness and fear that she'll never have a baby of her own. It's all still too fresh for her right now because you're still going through your pregnancy and soon you'll be going through the newness of having a baby?basically all the things that she would be experiencing right now if the dice had landed for her the way they did for you. Seeing you with your happy, cooing baby?she just doesn't think she could handle that, again, not because of you but because of how she's feeling.
So, yes, give her some space, but I recommend not just letting the relationship fade away on whatever was your last interaction. If it were me, I would write her a letter to let her know that I understand why my pregnancy would be difficult for her to be around considering we seemed to be headed down the same path, and that I hope that with time we can get back to where our friendship was?regardless of whether we're both mommies or not, and that I'll miss her and think of her in the meantime. Then, in a couple of months, if the friendship is still of interest to me, I'd drop her a quick "Hey, I just had lunch at that place where the waiter kept mixing up our orders and I thought of you. (Tying it to a prepregnancy event or memory so that it doesn't come off as "Are you knocked up yet?/I was feeling sorry for you.") How are you?" And if the friendship was no longer of interest to me, I wouldn't contact her again, but at least I would know that I left the relationship letting her know I had no hard feelings and that I know she really didn't either.
Either way, you've made it clear to her that you're giving her some space to deal with her stuff and she knows if she ever decides to come back to the friendship the door is open.
Actually I have not taken it personaly, in fact I completly understand her feelings since I went through them myself for so long. We both have gone through identical struggles for the past 8 years TTC, and so I 100% get her emotions and her sadness.
My relationship with her means so much to me, and I have no interest in just letting it go - but at the same time I feel the need to respect that maybe she does not want to maintain a relationship anymore. I just dont want to leave it so unspoken, and at the same time I dont want to keep speaking about it either.
We have a very good mutual friend who had a baby about 3 years ago, when that happened she completely cut her off. I maintained the friendship. We have even talked about this situation and she told me that she just cant have friends with children, it inst something she can handle. I guess I have known this day might come if I ever ended up becoming pregnant, but it still makes me so sad.
I do understand, in fact I understand better than anyone since our journey in this was together. I have walked this road with her while everyone else we know has gotten pregnant over the years, so that is why I want so desperately to be supportive of her but not loose her either.
I'm so sorry this is happening. I had a similar experience w/ my really good friend/cowoker. We drifted apart starting w/ pregnancy and we didn't reconciliate until DS was close to 2 years old. She does not know how to deal with the changes in your life and is hurt/jealous/resentful/envious about yours and until she can deal with those emotions she will not be a good friend.
Unfortunately you can't sepearte you from your baby. Give her some time hopefully she'll come around some day.
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