Does your 3+ year old have friends

*sallymad* · February 2012

Such as good friends that they see often, talk about and ask to play with?

I suddenly got worried that dd1 doesn't have any friends. We have a set of friends who have 4 boys that she sees the most, maybe once every 2 months or so, but she actually doesn't seem to like playing with them. But that's it. Her "friends" in preschool aren't interested in doing playdates outside of school (well their parents aren't, and there is only 4 of them total in preschool).

What's a normal age where kids will start to have actual friends?

Aimathy · February 2012

I definitely wouldn't worry about it. Really, I think most playdates and "friends" at this age are more Mommy driven than child driven. We do have a set of friends that we do playdates with regularly....one from a Moms group, one from dance class and one from school. She will talk about them and sometimes ask if they can play. Honestly though, they are Moms that I click with and WE decide to get together and hang out and the bonus is that the girls and siblings get along as well. I think as DD gets older, she will let me know the people she prefers to spend time with, and like it or not, I'll have to be okay with the fact that maybe the Mommy's aren't going to be MY friends. For now though, it works out. They kids get to socialize and have fun and the Moms get to chat and have some adult interaction. The other Moms at school/dance etc have not made an effort to have playdates either, so we haven't. One time my daughter asked if a certain girl could come play, but I don't really know the Mom and didn't initiate it, and it was quickly forgotten.
I definitely wouldn't look at any of that as a sign of a problem at this point though. And if there's a child that you think DD might enjoy being with from school, maybe start talking to the Mom a bit at pick up etc and get a feel for if they'd be up to meet outside of school. Good luck....but definitely don't worry!

Brewtowngrl · February 2012

DS is almost 4 and in the last few months he started to really understand friends and now says he has a best friend at school.

neverblushed · February 2012

Lurker from School-Aged board!

It's normal for friend relationships at at 3 and 4 to be minimal or even non-existent. Lots of preschool-aged kids just play with whoever is near them at the moment, and they don't particularly "bond" with another kid over shared interests the way older kids do. If kids this age do talk about having a "best friend," it's probably because parents are getting them together and referring to them as "best friends."

Neither of my kids developed a first real "friend" until about age 5 1/2, and with my first kid, I really worried about it. Looking back, I wish I had known what I'm telling you! She was totally normal.

Now that they're older, DD prefers to have a few close friends, although she gets along with almost everyone in her classes. DS is quite gregarious and has a wider group of kids that he plays with.

So, not to worry!

Alex26 · February 2012

JennMM:
He has 'friends' at daycare but not that we socialize with. I think that starts more when they are in school. I remember having my first real friends in kindergarten and first grade.

This

jlw2505 · February 2012

Both of my girls have had friends for as long as I can remember, maybe starting at around age 3 for my younger DD who is really pretty shy but my older DD, she has always been very social. I think a lot of that is how we live our lives. We took both girls to ECFE classes and made a point of making play dates with the other families, the girls have been in daycare full time since they were infants and again, we made a point of seeing people outside of daycare from time to time. We don't do a ton of playdates since honestly, DH and I both work full time so the evenings/weekends are our family time but every few months, we do plan a playdate. The girls go to birthday parties and other social events (school open houses or community type events) and we run into their friends and they are always wanting to play. My almost 4 year old can name off the kids in her class - tell me which ones are her BFF's and which ones she doesn't like to play with and even calls one of the boys her boyfriend (her teacher got an adorable picture of them dancing the other day). I know if I put out a little more effort in the sense of calling/emailing the parents, my kids could each have a playdate every weekend if we wanted. I really think this comes down to both your childs personalty and the parents who need to make the plans - reach out to other families to make it happen.

kmhunt11 · February 2012

DD has a BFF at school, and when the little girl isn't there she has backup BFF's lol. I don't know if it is because she's in a multi-age classroom so the older kids are forming bonds, so the younger kids are mimicking. She did have a BFF in her 2's Montessori class, too. She was and is full-time though, so maybe if your kid is only in school a couple days a week or only a couple of hours she doesn't have time in the day to focus on that. It could also be the structure of the preschool. If it's mostly group activities led by the teacher, they don't have time to choose their own friends. I wouldn't worry about it. It'll come.

*sallymad* · February 2012

Whew! Thanks ladies! I grew up pretty isolated on a farm, never having "playdates" or friends. Then it suddenly hit me that dd doesn't have any friends lol, glad to hear it's normal : )

cecee36 · February 2012

I think at this age teaching your child to be "friendLY" is more important than the number of friends they actually have. I think it takes time for real friendships to develop and for many children this age, this is their first chance at meeting children who can actually become that. My daughter plays with her classmates at school M-F and outside of that, she has about 2 little girls that she sees whenever she sees them. She'll ask about them from time to time and when that happens, we'll get together and do something fun. She even asks to play with her classmates on the weekends and so far, we've been unsuccessful at setting up playdates but that will happen soon, I'm sure. (One of her favorite classmates lives about a 1/2 mile from us.) So, I wouldn't sweat it too much; teaching her how to be a friend is what I'd focus on. By doing that, you'll ensure that as she grows, she'll be able to create friendships that will last.

Erin&Rod · February 2012

DS just turned 4 last week and he has friends from preschool. He has been with same group of kids at school for 2 years. There are 10 kids in his class. We have playdates with some of his friends from school a couple times a month. He really started to have "friends" after he turned 3. Now he asks to have playdates with his friends all the time.

When he turned 3, he had no interest in having a "friend" party, so we just had a family party, but when he turned 4, he wanted to invite his friends from school and have a big birthday party.

mavs_girl07 · February 2012

She has friends at school who she talks about often, but we don't ever see them outside of preschool. She has asked several times "Can Taylor and Gracie come to my house and play?" but we never really do it, just because I don't know the other parents.

She has one "best friend" who she sees often, but really just because they've kind of grown up together. They went to the same in-home daycare starting at 4 months old, so they've always been very close. This is the only girl that she plays with on a regular basis. DD will go to her house and play, or she will come to our house and play. They also do a weekly dance class together, and are about to start playing Blastball on the same team. They are crazy about each other.

anna7602 · February 2012

Yes, but DD has been very social from an early age. We just moved about 5 weeks ago and DD has already skyped with some of her friends back home because they miss each other so much. One of them is even coming to visit us in April, so I consider that "true" friendship, even at this young age.

However, there are tons of other areas in which DD is nowhere close to her friends/peers. I think at this age, you just have to trust your instincts and not compare.

MrsNeal2010 · February 2012

developmentally friendship begins happen around 4 so i would not worry like the other ladies said playdates under 4 are usually parent driven

ironmommy · February 2012

Lily definitely has friends. We have some neighborhood girls who also go to her preschool, and she makes art projects for them, calls them on her pretend phone, asks to play with them, and often has play dates.

I wouldn't worry if my child didn't have friends, but I think it's such a rich experience for them that I would probably try to find a way to socialize more -- maybe via the library or family or even city-sponsored classes.

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