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MIL is different since finding out

apardy131apardy131
in 2nd Trimester

We told our family on Christmas about the pregnancy. I am currently 15 weeks and feeling down. My MIL and I get along great and we do things together all the time, but she is different now. We are still doing things together, but if I bring up anything baby she gets quiet and changes the subject. At first she seriously made me feel like I was 16 and her son got me pregnant. I talked it out with DH and feel a little better now. I know she is not the type be be emotional or show her emotions, but I figured with her first grandbaby on the way she would at least want to talk about it (i.e. ultrasound, decorations, themes, names, etc). She looked at the 11 week ultra sound and actually said "this means nothing to me" like "why do I want to look at this picture of a bean" I just don't get it.

Anyone else going through this? Am I overreacting? Help...

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Re: MIL is different since finding out

  • HeartceaseHeartcease member
    I think some women have problems thinking of themselves as a grandmother.  I think it makes them feel old.  My husband and I were the babies in both our families, so everyone else has already had children.  Both my mother and his never had any problems adjusting, but I have had friends that had to deal with issues even from their own mothers.  I think the first grandchild can hit some people hard, especially if they think of themselves as really young and active.  (Not knowing your MIL, I have no idea if that's what she's going through, just something I've seen.)
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  • sammylee007sammylee007

    just enjoy your baby and your pregnancy. you will never get the time back and you deserve to be happy and excited about your new addition.

    my partner was not happy about my pregnancy and i spent so much time feeling bad and worrying that i didnt get to enjoy it myself. i regret it more than anything and if i could do it over again i would have just let him feel that way and enjoyed my pregnancy for every amazing moment that ive had so far. 

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  • sassafras007sassafras007 member

    My mom is the same way.She never asks about this baby.

    The only thing I can think of is that when she had my brother, 4 yrs after me life was much harder for her and she was in the process of divorcing my dad... I often wonder if she is thinking how much harder it will be for me but my situation is very different...

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  • surprise3rdsurprise3rd
    Some of the older generation really don't get into pregnancy at all until after the baby is born.  I went to a baby shower for a friend and her mother would not come.  Believed it was bad luck to celebrate the baby before he was born.  Could it have anything to do with that, or are you close enought to ask her about it?
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  • KatelynEA90KatelynEA90 member

    I don't think you're overreacting but its possible that she's just sorting out how she feels and where her place is. It's really hard to feel happy when it seems like no one else is happy about it. Like others have said, it might be because her generation didn't talk about pregnancy like we do. She might be thinking of her own past situation and be worried. She might be having a hard time letting go of her son and seeing herself as a grandma. She might be concerned that you and her won't be hanging out as much anymore. You never know. Since you are close with her, maybe you should go out to lunch and ask her whats up. Ask how she's feeling about becoming a grandma and express how you feel about her attitude towards you.

    My MIL went through phases. We knew she was going to be pissed about the pregnancy and she was. She was civil and would ask a few questions about it. Then for a few weeks she wouldn't acknowledge me at all. Then she was really excited and thinking of grandma/grandpa names. Then she went back to not acknowledging me at all. And now she is obsessed with buying baby things. My MIL has a problem projecting her past issues onto us. And SO is her 'baby' so anything that goes 'wrong' is always my fault and he's a victim. I'm pretty sure the only thing that has saved me is the fact that LO is a girl.

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  • ks3pinkks3pink member
    My mom is the same way.  With my first I was a teenager but now I am grown, married and working and she still acts weird.  Part of my mom's problem is that she didn't want me to have another child bc she doesn't want to keep two at a time.  Maybe your MIL is just not sure what to think yet.  Once she holds that baby her mind will change.
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  • OUKatieOUKatie member

    imageHeartcease:
    I think some women have problems thinking of themselves as a grandmother.  I think it makes them feel old.  My husband and I were the babies in both our families, so everyone else has already had children.  Both my mother and his never had any problems adjusting, but I have had friends that had to deal with issues even from their own mothers.  I think the first grandchild can hit some people hard, especially if they think of themselves as really young and active.  (Not knowing your MIL, I have no idea if that's what she's going through, just something I've seen.)

    I totally agree with this. Luckily, we haven't had to deal with this with our moms but I know that if we had decided to have a baby when we got married 6 years ago, her attitude would be different. My mom would have tried to hide it but I knew that she wasn't emotionally ready to be a grandmother and face getting older at the time. My MIL would have been disapproving but I pretty much just brush her opnions off when I disagree.

    Sorry you are having to deal with this :(

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  • cmurphy09cmurphy09 member

    Don't take this the wrong way but it makes me feel a bit better knowing other women go through this as well with their MIL. Mine did the same thing, except during & after our wedding... We had an awesome relationship prior to.

    My DH & I would talk about this, he'd confront her on it & she'd deny anything was wrong. Then one day it came to a head & I finally confronted her over everything. All she wanted to do was talk in circles & make me out to be the bad guy entirely. 

    In retrospect I view it all as a big game & she just didn't take me seriously in his life until we actually tied the knot. Now she's very passive-aggressive & treats me like I'm the person that took her son away, despite the fact I truly wanted & want a relationship with her. I don't have a great relationship with my own family b/c they're a bunch of useless druggies & longed for a normal family relationship - that - she doesn't want. She just wants it to be her & her two boys. Her loss, sadly :/

     

    Speaking from my experience & perspective don't let your MIL play head games take what she has to say with a grain of salt & keep your guard up. That's what I have to do - my theory give a person an inch, they'll take a mile. 

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  • Beth1031Beth1031 member

    My MIL has been different since finding out we were expecting... she is the type you can't confront or have a rational conversation with-- if you disagree with her opinion.  This is not her first grandchild- it's her third so I don't think she has any trouble with coming to terms with being a grandmother.  She is however very controlling and needs to be the center of attention and always have the last say in every matter.  So I think she is coming to terms with the fact that she isn't the leading star in the family anymore.  She doesn't see eye to eye with the way DH plan to raise our family and in her mind the only right way is hers.  If you are lucky enough to have  a rational, mature and civilized conversation with your MIL I would have a relaxing (whatever that may be your the both of you) day and bring it up.  I would also tell her in advance that you want to talk about (fill in the blank) before you go so she doesn't feel attacked or blind-sided.

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  • SunAndRainSunAndRain member

    I'm sorry you are experiencing such a blase reaction from someone you would expect to show a little more interest.  This may not be the magic solution you are hoping for but in times like this I remind myself that you can't change anyone's actions, you can only change your reaction. 

    She has her own reasons for reacting to your pregnancy in her own way and since it isn't what you hoped it would be I would adjust my own expecations and try to accept that she isn't a source of excitement for you.  It may not be any less hurtful but you cannot change how she feels and it is likely that once the baby is born she'll come around.  But for now you deserve to surrounded by people who are supportive and if that circle doesn't include her than that is OK - it an include others.  Try not to be resentful  - she may surprise you in the future and be the best grandma ever.

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  • DinabethLDinabethL member
    Have you talked to her about this?
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  • Mrs. RohdeMrs. Rohde member
    That sucks Sad I think just ignore her responses as much as you can and just enjoy your pregnancy.
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  • shrtfrkgrlshrtfrkgrl member
    imageapardy131:

    We told our family on Christmas about the pregnancy. I am currently 15 weeks and feeling down. My MIL and I get along great and we do things together all the time, but she is different now. We are still doing things together, but if I bring up anything baby she gets quiet and changes the subject. At first she seriously made me feel like I was 16 and her son got me pregnant. I talked it out with DH and feel a little better now. I know she is not the type be be emotional or show her emotions, but I figured with her first grandbaby on the way she would at least want to talk about it (i.e. ultrasound, decorations, themes, names, etc). She looked at the 11 week ultra sound and actually said "this means nothing to me" like "why do I want to look at this picture of a bean" I just don't get it.

    Anyone else going through this? Am I overreacting? Help...

    My MIL nearly made everyone in the house deaf with her scream when we gave her ours. I am glad she was happy, but I was also shocked because my SIL said everyone was upset that she was pregnant . . . . both times. MIL's are weird.

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  • apardy131apardy131

    @dinabethL - I have not talked to her about it... she is not one to talk about her feelings. After they opened their onesie on Christmas I did approach her later and ask if she was happy about the pregnancy because I had NO clue from her reaction to the gift. She said Yes. She has not mentioned it to any of her friends, they have said congrats to me after seeing my facebook or finding out from others and they say they cannot believe MIL did not mention it.

    My family was so excited to see the ultrasound and they always want to know how I am feeling and how things are going so far. It is just totally opposite ends of the spectrum.

    Thanks for all the words of encouragement!

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