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Military Families
WWYD - Another DH Vent
Background - We are half way through deployment, have 1 DD who he hasn't seen since 10 weeks old... starting to get excited that we are at the half way mark.
Today DH tells me that he decided to do Sgt.s course right when he gets home (He's been a SGT USMC for 16 months already). It's a 7 week course. So basically instead of taking leave when he gets home and spending time with me and our DD, he's going right into the program (less than 10 days after returning).
And we were planning on going out of state to see his family when he got home , who has never even met DD... and her 1st birthday will also be before the course ends.
PLUS, we have to PCS within 30 days of him returning home!
I'm beyond pissed.. I'm livid and just cannot for the life of me understand why he would want to jump right into that and not come home and take leave to spend time with us.
Any advice is appreciated.
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Re: WWYD - Another DH Vent
Have you asked him? I think maybe this would have been the first question to him, "WHY????"
I am sorry this is happening, but maybe he had no choice? Its hard to know whats really happening... I am so sorry....
Maybe just enjoy the time you 2 get for now, and 7 weeks is not so bad, you just did a year! Think of this time home as a mid tour not an end tour...
Good Luck, oh and I would still be mad too....
Started TTC in 2006, LOTS of trying, and trying, and 7 rounds of IVF with 13 embryos, 2 perfect little boys and 5 loses....
All finished with babies, started to make diet changes, Keto, to be MORE for my kids, lost 30 pounds, still going, and 3 months in, I had a natural cycle, and then ovulated... Hubs and I are going to see what happens now... Maybe a natural pregnancy? After everything we have been through? Or just a return to normal hormones? We shall see what the future holds!
Baby Dust To All!!!
I agree with the pp. Ask him why. There's got to be a reason he thinks this is a good idea. I'd be very, very, very pi$$ed and I'd probably have to duke it out with him to get to the bottom of his reasoning. You deserve some one on one time without the family trips, PCSing, and everything else. If he has no choice, then I understand that this is one of those situations where you'll just have to suck it up. But, if he's making this decision independently, I'd have lots of questions for him.
Thank you ladies for responding - I was starting to question my own sanity. YES, he has a choice -- it is not an order. He just has to have it done by the end of the year and there are 3 later dates available. I would have asked him why, but the moment I started getting upset (via Skype), he just decided not to deal with me and hung up and turned Skype off (yes, he did it on purpose and it wasn't a technical issue).
We are supposed to be buying a house once we get his orders and we figure out where we are PCSing, and I just can't even believe him. Plus, he knows that I not only wanted to spend time with him, but that I also needed to him to help with our DD. I'm already having a hard time as it is ( I am finishing up my doctorate degree online, he refuses to let me put her in daycare for even 1 day a week, I have no family nearby, and am going non-stop 24/7). I'm beyond exhausted.
It really hurts my feelings that he didn't even consult me on this - it's like his entire mentality since he's been there has changed - instead of being the loving husband and father that always put us first, he now just thinks of himself only.
Take this as coming from a good place and not me being snarky. I would put your foot down or you will be a doormat the rest of your marriage. You are going to school, you need a sanity break from your DD. You should be able to put your DD in daycare one day a week. Your choice not his end of story. The older she gets the harder it is to get things done and a few hours a week are much needed. Next I would really get to the bottom of why he volunteered for this training. If there was a reason why I would try to think about it, but just to do it on his terms he should think about his family.
Again, I am not trying to be rude I just hate seeing people get treated bad
Ok, so I didn't get a complete resolution yet. But I did ask why and explained my position... well, I did more than that, I put my foot down!
He claims that it is just a nomination to go on that date because there is an open seat and you have to be nominated to go -- and his reasoning is that the sooner he gets it done, the sooner he can have everything in order to be looked at for promotion. I explained, that while his reason for choosing to go is understandable, the time frame is not. I said if he wanted to go later in the year, then we can discuss that and I would be agreeable - but for him to go right after he gets back I will not accept. I told him that the bigger issue is why he would want to even do that and not be home with us -- and that he was putting himself first before the best interest of his family first.
So he said, well why couldn't we have discussed that earlier (duh, bc you hung up on me -- which he now is denying and saying I hung up on him -- I did not!)
And then claimed he had to go to work... so there is no resolution YET... but I basically said that if the best interest of your family isn't put first, whether he gets a seat or not and actually attends the course right when he gets back -- then he can expect to see a marriage counselor.
I totally understand why your upset and I'd also be irate. I obviously don't know your husband so this might sound completely absurd and you can tell me to take a hike or something similar. And there is really no good excuse for him buuuut...
Maybe he thought he was doing the best thing to provide for his family. I don't know how your husband feels but with my DH the need to financially provide for us was way above anything else. It took a lot of dialogue with my DH to make him understand that money means nothing to me if I don't have him around to enjoy life with, that a hour with him laughing and loving is worth more than his weight in gold to me.
But I'm so sorry that your going through this, I know we're strangers but I abhor hearing stories like this. Sometimes this is where the military lifestyle really messes up relationships because its not like you guys can have a deep conversation while he's deployed. It's such an aggravating situation and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all resolved and tied with a pretty bow. Hang in there and I'm happy to hear your standing up for yourself. You go girl...do people still say that?
We were in a similar situation last summer, and DH did end up going to a course within two weeks of getting home (and a few months before PCSing). It wasn't ideal for me - our baby was born three days after he got home from the course. He had an excellent reason for doing it, though, and I supported the decision.
In DH's case, the course was required for promotion. He had to go within the next year or he wouldn't be eligible. It was also a competitive course that not everyone gets into. When he was offered the opportunity to attend by his current command, we decided that it was definitely worth the temporary pain to get it out of the way. He also wasn't guaranteed that he could get into the other classes later in the year. If he had refused the opportunity to go the first time, he probably would not have been selected again. It sucked big time, but it was the best choice for his career. To me, that's not selfish. The best choice for his career is almost always the best choice for our family.
I'm not sure if you guys feel the same way, but I just wanted to offer my perspective. Maybe he's worried that his career will be slow tracked if he refuses the course. Also, keep in mind that turning this into a giant fight will make his homecoming difficult regardless of whether he leaves right away or not. I hope you guys can figure out a solution that makes you both happy!
Lol! This does offer additional perspective. I really hope you all can come to a conclusion that works best for both of you. In addition, the thing with day care seems a bit ridiculous. He's not there to help and you're trying to complete coursework and be a mom. That's gotta be tough. Point blank, you need help. He's not working with you on this and that's not fair. He's pursuing his dreams and goals with your support,but you aren't getting the same respect. I'd resent that. I do agree with the pp though, if you are the primary caregiver and need day care, get day care. I'm sure you respect your husband and his input, but his denial of that help is just over the top.
If your H doesn't attend this class will it look poorly on his record when it comes time for a promotion? There may be other classes, but he already said he has to be nominated for a seat and then be selected to attend. This may be the only time he is selected to attend. A year seems like a while, but it's really not when you only have a few classes to get in to. Maybe your H is thinking that he/you are used to being away right now and that it's best to get this class over with before everyone settles into a routine?
My H had the opportunity to go to SOS right before our LO was expected to arrive and before his deployment. It was the only time he could go as he had to complete it before his promotion board. While it wasn't ideal for our family, it's what we felt was best for his career in the USAF.
It wasn't ideal timing at all! We had a crazy few months before he deployed. I was able to TDY with him on my way across the country to have LO where we grew up. I'm not making excuses for his behavior or not discussing this with you before he made his decision. Just throwing some ideas out there.
The issue isn't the class. To me, what stands out is your DH seems, from your posts at least, to feel like he can make decisions (such as not putting your child in daycare so you can get a break, too) without taking your opinion into account. THAT'S what you need to work on, regardless of whether or not he takes the class.
If it were me, I think I'd encourage DH to take the spot in the class, unless we were certain we weren't going to make a career out it/DH wanted out soon. With the current budget cuts and limitations on promotion, I'd think the best move would be to do everything as quickly as possible, just in case.
I also think the timing isn't that bad-- he could go before you all are used to a routine.
I agree with PP-- My DH always puts our family first, but to him part of that is making sure we're taken care of financially. While I do think he should have brought it up for discussion, rather than present it as a done deal to you, I don't think attending the class means he's not putting his family first.
What you SHOULD fight for, in my opinion, is to get yourself some help! Hire a babysitter or get your DD in daycare or in a mothers day out program or something so you can also live your dreams and not become resentful of your absent H.
You are definitely putting up with WAY more than I would have. If my husband was away and pulled this.... I'd serve him with divorce papers when he got off the plane. Life's too short to deal with BS like this when you can have someone who cherishes your thoughts, ideas, and feelings. Holy crap, I'm pist for you.
Personally, if the class or what not is what is needed to help him promote then so be it. But we are in a position that we need DH to stay in so I have told him to do what is necessary (he is up for promotion). The timing sucks but apparently he said that it isn't a guaranty.
I think you need to tell him that you need to put DD in daycare at least 1 or 2 days a week until you get your degree/he comes home or whatnot. I don't get the being forbidden to do so. It is your child also and you do have to do what you can to get through school especially because he is NOT there to help you out.
This x10000. I really hate people military or not feel like they aren't an equal or able to have their voice heard.
I agree with Modest. My DH is full time and we're both career adults with a baby and trying to figure out what's best for each career. At times we're about for weeks due to stupid work stuff. It would look unfavorably if we didn't.
I will always be supportive if it's a mil school because I know how the promotions work and many times the sooner the class is taken the more favorably the file is looked upon.
Emilia is right about "all" of the issues to be discussed not just "barked", especially a day a week in daycare for yourself, etc. that's not fair.
I am also always supportive because at some point in the far far future my DH may be the only financial provider for this family. So I treat his career as if that is the case NOW and support ANYthing he needs to do for the quickest promotions. It's my thanks to him for supporting the household. However, he has never hung up on me, that sucks and I'm sorry. I think if you two treat each other with just a little bit more respect during the trying times (and this is trying for you and him) and he can communicate things differently, it may have been perceived by you differently and may not have been as upsetting, even though still not ideal.
Trust me you'll want him to focus on work when he's there and his promotions when he can, then plan leave time for the family ahead of time. You'll really appreciate the time when it comes and he'll probably be happier that he doesn't have to "worry" when he's away or working. We have a rule that when he's away we don't discuss any issues family related until after he returns.
Try some ground rules for communicating when away, see how that works.
It's not that easy to get slots for these classes. If he's got one now, he needs to take it. I understand that you were expecting to have him home and spend time with him, but this is how things sometimes roll. Instead of staying home for pre-deployment leave, mine is going to an 8 week NCO class because he has to. He put it off once before and has no choice now.
Trust me, it will be easier on your LO right after he gets back than it will be if you wait a few months.
Thank you everyone for all your input. I REALLY do appreciate each and every one of your perspectives. Among all of you, you all pretty much got the idea - that I need a break, it was that he didn't even bother to discuss it with me before making that decision, his rude behavior of ending the call - when we do have ground rules in place that if we are upset we always at least say I love you and goodbye (and not just disconnect the call), etc.
I listened to what all of you said and discussed all of my issues with him again today. To my surprise, he actually *HEARD* me last night and today the first thing he said was that he asked them to switch the date to the later course (2 months after he comes home). So, that issue is at least taken care of.
We again went over how my bigger issue was the reasoning why he would volunteer/choose to do a course right away and be gone again instead of wanting to spend time with us and help with the PCS. To sum it up he basically said that he wasn't thinking that it would cut into his post deployment leave and that he was going to have to go back to work anyways, and that once we PCS he isn't sure if he can still go if he isn't with his current unit anymore. Makes better sense -- but still a better idea for him to go later in the year.
We already did make the decision that even though he has been in for so long, that he is NOT making it a career -- so him not going will not jeopardize anything.
I'm glad we have it resolved and that on his own he went ahead and asked for a "spot" later on versus within a few days of him getting home.
As far as daycare is concerned -- I was working full time before DD, and "we" did make the decision that I would stay home with her. That being said, I will revisit the issue of maybe getting a mothers helper or something like that until he comes home. I'll just try to approach it differently with him.
If I seem un-supportive at all, it really is because I am just drained and really sick of him being gone. This is his 2nd time in Afghanistan in the past year (he's in special ops and had to go for a few months early last year to assist with a turnover and we were only given 2 weeks notice of him leaving while I was pregnant); and then we were only given 7 weeks notice that he was replacing someone else for this current deployment... I know, I know that is the military - but it still sucks.
Thank you everyone for all your help and advice!
You rate 10 hours of free daycare on base per month, because YH is deployed. I also am an online grad student, and was a stay-at-home mom until DD reached 15 months. I know you weren't so much asking about this side of juggling things, but there were a few times that I would need 2 hours of daycare to get my work done. But, usually I could do it during the day, provided that I used naps for homework exclusively. I would do housework, and plan errands around when I thought she would be awake. I would always shower with her wake too (bouncy chair in bathroom!).
Regarding everything else, it sounds like communication and joint decision-making is a big problem (with him). Counseling isn't something to do when you hit a crisis, it would be great for you guys now. I would highly recommend that you discuss it now, and go when he gets back. You can probably avoid future drama for your family.
I can see why he would sign up for Sgts Course, it is a big career move. Still, he should have at least talked to you.