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2nd Trimester
XP: ILs/ DH Gender Disappointment: how to deal
Cross-posted from June 2012:
Hi everyone,
I am writing under an AE but am a regular poster, but I ashamed about what is happening right now but need advice. It has been 100% clear throughout my pregnancy that my inlaws and DH want a boy. Well, low and behold we are having a girl. It's been hard for me to deal with their disappointment since we announced. ILs have been trying to hide it and have not made any unkind remarks, but when I announced to one part of the family I was told that the grandfather would be disappointed because he needs us to havea boy to carry on the family name. This is the grandfather who dh puts on a pedestal, so I am sure this is a big source of the problem. I feel a little like a failure even though I know logically that dh's sperm was the source of her being a girl. And most of all I feel bad for this little girl I am carrying, who deserves to be wanted and cherished 100%.
As for
dh, I knew all along he wanted a boy. The night before the a/s, he told
me he would be happy with whatever sex the baby is. But since we
learned she is a girl, he has been saying that we will have to
definitely have another to try for a boy, and he jokes around when we
tell friends we are having a girl that he is disappointed. The last
time he did that I told him in no uncertain terms that it was not
acceptable for him to be saying that to people, but it just makes me sad
that he is feeling so disappointed. I don't want to make him out to be
a bad guy, he really is not, I guess he is just suffering a major case
of disappointment compounded by feeling like he is letting his
grandfather down.
I am not sure if I should talk to dh about it tonight, or if I should just try to ignore it and let it blow over. Because, once she is born, this will all pass, right? I am praying it does and I know dh is a good man so he will love his daughter, but right now I am not feeling any excitement from him. Maybe I am being too sensitive and should just know that he will get over this as we get closer to birth. I know that gender disappointment is real and I am trying to respect his feelings and his need to process through this, but it makes me sad.
Any advice?This discussion has been closed.
Re: XP: ILs/ DH Gender Disappointment: how to deal
I have to ask you if your DH and his family is of a certain ethnic background? I know in certain cultures a boy is prized above all else. If this is the case there might not be anything you can do about the feelings they are expressing. However, I would say, you might to really talk up how great being a girl is and all the wonderful things you will be able to do with a daughter.
I would say to let it go for a couple of weeks. If you are still feeling like the ILs are being disrespectful to your LO, I would have a heart-to-heart with your DH about how your feeling.
I really understand where you are coming from! My DH who is an amazing Father and Husband was also disappionted and scared to be having a little girl. After we found out he was acting really funny and really didn't want to talk about the "baby"
I am not so good with keeping things in. After a whole weekend of watching him act like a big baby I blew up! I think it is much better to get your feeling out in the open. After telling DH how I was feeling he really turned it around.
If you have your heart set on one sex over the other there is going to be a bit of disappointment. However, a HEALTHY Mom and baby is the important part! We are carrying little blessings and I am sure he will see that is what's important in the end
Good luck!
Thanks everyone for your input! No, we are not of any particular ethnic group, his family is just very old school that way I guess.
I am really on the fence about talking to him about it. On one hand, I think that his feelings are real and valid and I don't want to just nag him about it- I logically know that he will get over this once the baby is here (and hopefully before). On the other hand, it is bringing me down and I am really not feeling as excited as I was about telling people the gender. I wanted to be team green, and now I wish I had been!
Thanks everyone for their input, it is helping to talk about it.
I am very set on having a boy but if it is a girl, I plan on telling myself all the great things about a girl (not being projectile peed on comes to mind!) and all the cute outfits she can wear. I would ditto pp and talk up how precious she's going to be.
It sounds as if your husband is more of the problem. Are you close enough to your ILs, especially MIL, and ask her to talk to him? Or ditto pp and talk to him yourself.
Don't let him drag down the rest of your pregnancy! I am sorry you are going through this.
I could have written this post 2 years ago, down to the "DH puts his grandfather on a pedestal and we needed to carry on the name". Hell, I even wanted a boy.
But, we got used to the idea of a girl in our own time and by the time she got here, we were so thrilled with our child, it didn't matter what sex.
Now that we're having #2, everyone assumed we'd want a boy, but nope, we both want another girl!
I promise you, it will be ok.
I'm the kind of person who has no problem calling people out on their behavior. I think you need to address the issue when any sort of snide remarks are made and stop walking on eggshells.
To have a healthy baby that is free of any health issue or congenital defects is HUGE, people tend to get hooked on the petty shlt, like whether there is a penis involved or not...it's just so shallow. Who cares if the family name is carried on or not. People need to grow up.
I have to side with Marieski on this. I think the sooner you express your feelings to DH, the better.
Yes, he will undoubtly come around after she's born. But, do you want to feel like he's disappointed in having a girl instead of a boy for another 4-5months?? That's a lot to put on yourself (stress/worry/guilt etc aren't good for you or baby, eps for long periods of time).
I'd calmly talk to him about it. Just ask him flat out "are you upset that we're having a girl?" If/when he says no, tell him why you feel like he is (don't just drop the subject when he says "no"). He might not even realize how he's acting right now.
I could have written this two years ago except it was the opposite - everyone wanted a girl and we had a boy. I was so sensitive to the way they all reacted and I was so upset for my little boy. I freaked out a bit I have to admit.
I can tell you that it didn't matter - my DH loves his son like nothing I've ever seen before. He thinks he hung the moon to the point that NOW for # 2, he is really torn on whether he wants the girl or another boy...DS is such a great kid that he's leaning toward another boy if we can have another just like him
.
They will all come around so I wouldn't worry about it. If it makes you feel any better, After having twin girls, I cried like a baby when I found out my 3rd baby was another girl. I so wanted a boy so I could be done. I felt so bad for reacting like that but quickly realized my feeling were normal. I was a "sporty" girl growing up and played sports all year round so I really wanted a boy to put in football, basketball etc...
Now, my girls are the light of my life and I host the best tea parties! I will say that I pray every night for a boy this last time cause the drama level is getting a little high up in here!
Tell them that in this wonderful modern age girls can carry on the family name? I've personally known men who took their partner's name, and women who kept theirs at marriage.
Some people who are set in their ways will never change their mind. My dad is an only son so when I (the firstborn) came along I didn't mean as much to my grandfather as my brother did when he came along. My parents explained all of that to me but it never hurt my feelings because I knew that I was loved by my parents just the same and I understand why my dad's family acted the way they did. For many years my grandmother disliked my mom because she is white. My mom never let that get to her because she knew better.
Be thankful that your daughter will have you as a parent so that you can make her feel loved and help her to understand her relatives' old-fashioned attitudes if they choose to let it show and not change their minds.
I think you definitely need to talk to your DH about it. Let him know how you feel, and find out straight from him how he really feels.Then figure out how to work through it together.
Hopefully, your DH will "get over it" once the baby is here. Many men do. However, sometimes that kind of pressure (particularly from family) can make that hard. And sometimes, people don't "get over it". I know a woman who is all kinds of messed up because she was the last of three daughters. Her father "expected" her to be a boy (because he "needed" a son). She grew up feeling like her father resented her for not being a boy, and never felt very close to him (while he doted on her older sisters). She has wound up spending a lot of her energy consciously and unconsciously trying to get her father to "love" and accept her -- in ways that have had some pretty negative impacts on her life.
I'm not saying that's what will happen in your case. But if you see signs that your husband hasn't moved past it after the baby comes, he should probably seek help. Your daughter doesn't deserve that.
Mama's Clone - 07/18/12
Not to mention, what if they have a son eventually who turns out to be gay? Or who chooses to never marry or have kids? Or who can't have kids? Or who only has girls himself?
Worrying about "carrying on the family name", and getting upset with someone for not having a boy to make that "possible" is silly, IMO.
Mama's Clone - 07/18/12
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I knew that my DH was slightly disappointed because he always wanted a boy. And his parents wanted a boy too because that's all they ever had and were nervous about having a girl (his mom was going to be watching my daughter a couple times a week). So I felt a little like I "let down" the family LMAO which is absurd because 1-DH chooses the sex with his sperm, and 2-they were still happy about getting a grandchild, as my husband was still happy to finally be having a baby.
It was hard because literally like 10 of our friends were all having kids at the same time, and literally ALL of them were boys. We were the only girl lol, so it made me feel worse haha. Needless to say, my husband is more than thrilled because he has that perfect "daddy's girl", she clings to him and loves him and snuggles with him like you would not believe!! He is SO IN LOVE with his little girl, and he said that he wouldn't mind having more girls now because of my daughter--she was SO good as a baby and now as a toddler, and she is his pride and joy. Of course, now that we've found out we're having another girl, we joke about how my DD will have to share her daddy with her new sister, which we don't know if that will happen so easily! But my husband can't wait to get both girls on "Team Daddy" haha! So he LOVES his girl even after the initial "shock" of not having one. I bet when your daughter comes, it will change his tune a lot!
As for my in laws, they are over the moon with my DD. She is THEIR pride and joy as well, she now even takes precedence over the boys! They still tell me today how great she is, how well behaved she is, how perfect of a child she is (they are biased lmao, she can do no wrong in their eyes), and my MIL who never had a girl totally has a buddy in my daughter. They do arts and crafts together, put on fake jewelry, paint, color, read books, everything that her boys didn't really sit long enough to do with her. So keep your head up, things may change once your daughter is born and they see how much of a blessing she is!
To DH I would address his comments rather than his feelings. After all he cannot control how he feels and we all know that once that baby is born he'll be smitten. But I would let him know that his comments are upsetting to me. And that hearing him say he is disappointed outloud is very depressing to you.
And for your IL's I would calmly state that if they are that disappointed in the baby's denger then they don't have to be a part of your daughter's life. Seriously. To an extent I would ignore the comments or simply reply that every baby is a blessing. But if they kept on I wouldn't be able to remain calm and rational indefinitely.
People ask us if we are hoping for a girl or boy. DH first responded a boy but when I reponded, "Honestly, I'm just hoping for a healthy baby" DH caught on to that one pretty quick and now he gives the same response. So I know that my DH wants a boy and I think I can understand why. But I also know he'll be an awesome dad to a daughter as well. So will your DH
so try not to let his naive comments get the better of you.
Your family situation sounds a lot like mine, except for the fact that we are four girls with me being the eldest. Neither my dad nor uncle had boys, but my grandpa learned to love all of us girls...there are 7 of us girls and one boy (but he is my aunt's son, so no last name to carry on). We are Japanese American where boys are very highly regarded. My grandpa decided to name my twin sisters (the babies of the whole family) Frank and Sam. We all just used to laugh when he called them this.
Thanks everyone for your input- it really helped! Last night we told my family, and it went fine (they are very excited), and dh is talking more about his daughter so I think that he is adjusting. I agree that all that matters is a healthy baby, and that is why all these comments have really been getting me down! I addressed it when he made comments to his friends, and will continue to do so, but in the meantime I am going to let him get adjusted to the idea and give him some time... in a few weeks if he still seems 'off' about it, I'll talk to him.
The whole 'carrying on the family name' seems totally asinine to me, as I consider myself a feminist and did not change my last name, but I guess its a generational thing. Still annoying though!
Thanks again for letting me vent and I am happy to hear that others have been in similar situations and things have worked out fine once baby arrives!
I hate this argument. I'm terribly sorry that you have a special needs child. I'm sure it's heartbreaking and very difficult for you. I think parents of special needs children are heroes and admire their strength. That said, everyone is entitled to their own feelings regarding their own situations. I'm sure there are people with children whose issues are more dire than yours, but I'm also sure they don't deny you any feelings you may have. Someone will always have it worse.
This
I guess any parent should never complain or be disappointed in their child at any moment because there are people out there who have lost a child or dont have any?? Never let anybody tell you being disappointed is wrong. It is a normal feeling and what matters is how you cope with it going forward.