DH is upsetting me (re:more babies)

Mrs.Teddy · January 2012

I don't know DH won't just drop this topic! He makes it very clear he wants to be done after this baby, we always said we wanted 2-3 kids. He now says regardless of anything we are done. I get the reasonings, I have tough pregnancies, bedrest, etc, and now with me needing to repeat my GTT he is even more stressed out. I get that financially two kids make sense. I respect all of his points for wanting to stop after this. I just don't feel comfortable making that decision now. I feel like after this baby is born and we are living life with two kids, a few years down the road we should make a permanent decision. I think we should agree to wait and see. He won't drop it and its driving me crazy. I don't know that I want a third child but I do know that I'll only be 29 years old when we have our second and that I want to possibility of deciding to add to our family left open. Why can't he get this?!

bellablue2 · January 2012

Just give him time. My DH was no way down for having a third. Then one day when my youngest was three, we both just felt it was right for us! It took some time, but I am soo glad we decided to try for a third, because I now have my baby girl!

Bonidiebabe · January 2012

That's tough. I would prob just agree with him now to make him shut up but you can be the one to drive him nuts in a couple years. if you decide you do want another one you can fight the battle then. I would just tell him you really don't want to hear about it anymore.

adamstodrake · January 2012

Your DH and mine must talk, since mine says the same thing.... minus the rough pregnancies/bedrest. He wants a vasectomy and I keep telling him that is way too perminant in my opinion. We are only 25 and 27 for heavens sake! I keep telling that is a decision we have to both be okay with and I know I won't be there until we see how life goes with the two children we have been blessed with. Right now, I am okay with waiting a few years and then making that decision.

Lina1030 · January 2012

You never know...he may change his mind or you may too....DH always wanted 4 of his own (besides DD that is from my 1st marriage) then he said 2 maybe 3 and after we got pregnant with this one he says we are done, but we both agree that we will not do anything permanent. I always wanted 2-3 children, now I am like 3-4 and really considering/wanting a forth. But who knows. We have our girl, now our boys....but part of me would love to try for a girl (biologically DH's only because I know he always wanted girls....until DS came now he is all about the boys! LOL) Plus DD really would love a sister...granted I do understand its a 50-50 chance and we could have another boy....which I would not mind at all...I love my son to the moon and back....its an amazing love a mother has for her son, a different and just as amazing for your daughter. But we shall see. DH will tell friends/people when they ask...and he says "lets have this one first and we will see....but I think we are done." and other times he will say "no, this is it" So I think he is on the fence too.

I would just let it go, have this baby, re-evaluate and see where you are at emotionally, financially etc about a 3rd.

dojo1 · January 2012

You're right that now isn't the time to discuss it while you're in the throws of pregnancy, I would drop it for now and agree to make the decision together when lo is one year of age.

jkfranklin · January 2012

I also could have written this, minus the rough pregnancies. Dh has said several times that he wants to make the appointmentto get snipped right after this baby is born. I want him to wait for a while for a number of reasons. He sort of drives me nuts because he is a little back and forth on it too. The other night he said that we weren't having another baby until he got a motorcycle. Then the next day he was talking about getting snipped again. I just have to keep him from doing it right away so that we can decide rationally.

MarxieVonTrapp · January 2012

We're on our first and know we're definitely having two, possibly three. But I can tell you that I recently read an advice column about this very topic and the columnist gave a piece of advice that hasn't been mentioned here yet. You're young, and so is he. What if, god forbid, something happened to you and he met someone else and wanted to get married and have a child with the new spouse? You never know what the future may bring, and limiting your options when you're young usually ends up biting you in the ass later on.

Shelve the conversation for now and reevaluate in a couple of years.

Patella1129 · January 2012

My DH was the same way right after we found out we were having a girl. He said that since we have one of each, that we should be done, done, done. I'm only going to be 26 when this baby is born and there is no way I am going to close that door at such a young age. I told him that he can think what he wants, but I am very firmly NOT discussing this for at least 2-3 years after LO #2 is born. Whenever he tries to bring it up again, I quickly end the conversation with a firm, "Not for another 2 years."

WildcatPrincess · January 2012

My husband is the same way and it really annoys me. Before getting married I told him I wanted 4-5 kids, but realize that's a lot and I would compromise down, but I was very clear I wanted more than 2. We agreed on 3 and he's so negative about it. If I have a rough day and try to vent at all he's all "that's why we don't need anymore" and it just makes me angrier. He told me he only agreed to 3 because he didn't realize how much work kids are :P

WaitingOn3 · January 2012

Oh wow. Other than the rough pregnancies I also could have written this myself.

We never really talked about how many we wanted before we got married. We had 2 healthy girls back to back (they are a year apart). A year after our youngest was born we decided that we would try for number 3. 24 weeks into that pregnancy we lost our little boy. My husband was very firm about not trying again because it was very tramatic. 4 months later we got pregnant again and lost that baby around 9 weeks. He decided that we would try again and a year later we finally got pregnant. Now he says that we are finished after this one. I keep telling him that we should just finish having this one before we make any decisions. He wants to get "snipped" shortly after we have this one. Luckily our doctor wont do it because my husband is only going to be 24 when she is born. I don't know if I will want to have a 4th baby but I am only 23 and I can't handle the idea of just deciding that we are done at such a young age. We have lots of time to decide. For now it is a sensitive subject that usually results in me crying and him getting upset so we have made the decision to not talk about it until this LO is older.

Hopefully your husband comes around and just realizes that all you want for now is the option left open. Maybe you can agree to put the conversation on hold for now.

Mrs.Teddy · January 2012

MarxieVonTrapp:
We're on our first and know we're definitely having two, possibly three. But I can tell you that I recently read an advice column about this very topic and the columnist gave a piece of advice that hasn't been mentioned here yet. You're young, and so is he. What if, god forbid, something happened to you and he met someone else and wanted to get married and have a child with the new spouse? You never know what the future may bring, and limiting your options when you're young usually ends up biting you in the ass later on.

Shelve the conversation for now and reevaluate in a couple of years.

I've thought about this, I brought up yesterday about the worst, something happening to me or the kids, or all of us leaving just him. He got so upset and said me and/or our kids could never be replaced and he thinks he would be so traumatized he'd never want more. I don't bring it up I think it's a pointless conversation at this point since I don't even know if I want more I just want him to drop it but perhaps I'll just ignore, or do my best to!

snoangel79 · January 2012

I'd give him time also! Since you've had difficult pregnancies maybe he is just concerned about you!! I know after my little sister was born at 28 weeks my dad wasn't on board for another because it was such a scary thing to happen! My mom got pregnant again 2 years later by an oops (she carried my sister to term but she was on bed rest for 4 months with a cerclage). My dad was just really concerned...

Also, my husband doesn't want more( not only because of my health issues but because of financial issues). My husband makes good money and we own our house so him being concerned to me is kind of strange but you never know what goes through some people's heads!

DragonflyBelle · January 2012

Bonidiebabe:
That's tough. I would prob just agree with him now to make him shut up but you can be the one to drive him nuts in a couple years. if you decide you do want another one you can fight the battle then. I would just tell him you really don't want to hear about it anymore.

I totally agree with this...

ETA: My H will be getting snipped after this baby is here safe and sound. I can't have anymore babies and he doesn't want me having surgery again anytime soon unless it is medically necessary. He won't use condoms and I cannot take birth control pills because of the severity of my endometriosis, so he will pay $20 and be off a day of work and be done with it.

shouldbworkin · January 2012

Mine was the opposite and I felt like YH. One day it just clicked with me, I would have felt that DH was being really unfair if the roles were reversed. I hope you can get him to see this. It's not that he has to agree with you, but the conversation is premature right now so he needs to put it on the back burner and revisit in a couple years.

devious1031 · January 2012

Just give him some time. DH was kinda the same way. He always knew I wanted 4 kids and he had always said 3-4. After DD3 was born IDK what came over me but I was ready for #4 ASAP! DH, on the other hand, not so much. I know what did it, though. I had a rough delivery with DD1 (he wasn't there but he knows all about it), DD2's pregnancy was wrought with issues, he missed everything with DD3 and since I had pre-e the docs felt the need to scare him and fill his head with thoughts of me almost dying (BS!) plus all the pregnancy losses I've had (at that point, 4). He was terrified that 1-I wouldn't be able to get preg, 2-I'd have more losses or 3-I'd "die". I got an IUD in attempts to keep him from getting a V. After 5yrs the IUD was ready to come out and he had an appt to get his V done about 3wks after I got my IUD out. He never went to his appt and the next month we started TTCing. Unfortunately one of his fears did happen and I did lose a pregnancy but now here we are. Everything happens for a reason and I wish it didn't take him 5yrs to change his mind, but it worked out perfectly and we couldn't be in a better place (all around) to have our last child. Sometimes they just need time.

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