Familial relationships after a loss

schuberta · January 2012

I'm a little hesitant to post this, since I haven't spoken with many people about our ectopic, but I know a lot of ladies on this board have talked about some of the (usually unintentionally) negative reactions from friends and family after a loss, and I was wondering how you all deal with close family members who are especially oblivious about your situation?

My sister and I live close to each other--walking distance--and we spend a lot of time together. She has twin daughters (unplanned), and she often seems to consider motherhood as having been thrust upon her, thus ruining her life and stealing her youth (she was 24 when she had them). When I mention my ectopic pregnancy--which was in November--she consistently says things that make me feel like crap. She says I need to stop dwelling on it (which I'm not, I just have ups and downs depending on the day), that she wouldn't recommend motherhood to anyone anyway and she can't imagine why we'd TTC again, and that motherhood is "not all it's cracked up to be" and I'll ultimately live to regret having a child. When I try to explain why these comments are hurtful, she's very defensive and refuses to acknowledge my feelings, saying I need to stop being so sensitive and to get over it already. In her mind, she's not doing/saying anything wrong, I'm just the one taking things too much to heart.

So, I can't cut her out. I can't explain things to her in a way that makes her understand. Do I just have to stop confiding in her entirely? Or am I just being overly sensitive? It seems that no one in my family--besides my husband--is supportive of me during this whole thing, and they all expect me to just get over it and move on already since it was an early loss.

Bizzy98 · January 2012

You are definetly not being overly sensitive and I am sorry you are not getting the support you need from your family and your sister. She is out of line to tell you to just get over it. She hasn't been through your situation so should not comment on how you should be feeling. As a sister she should be there for you when you are hurting.

It sound to me like she is very selfish and unhappy with her own life. This does not give her the right to tell you that you shouldn't have children or regret it, etc. I hate to say it but until she gets over herself you may have to distance yourself from her for a while. You shouldn't have to put up with that. I'm very sorry you are going through this right now. (((BIG HUGS)))

benoitfan · January 2012

Wow, that's horrible. I can't imagine how I would react if one of my sisters said something like that to me. Well, that's not true, I'm pretty sure I would tear her a new one.

I hope she doesn't say sh!t like this around her children or behave in such a way that they think they are an inconvenience. Kids are a gift that need to be nutured, adored, led by example and most of all loved to bits. I think your sis needs a reminder that being a mom is a blessing and privledge and she should treat it that way. If you tell you sis this and repeat how much it hurts you to see her treat motherhood like a burden, then I would just eliminate this topic from your relationship. If she heads down that road, change the subject or get yourself out of the situation. It's really too bad your sister can't see beyond herself and consider your feelings.

I am sorry you have to deal with this from someone who is supposed to love you and always be there for you. ((HUGS)).

ETA, correct typo

LaTi07 · January 2012

First off, super big squishy (hugs). It's funny you bring this up (not haha funny) because I just blogged about the dumb comments. They are awful and I can tell you that you will probably continue to hear them. The hardest part is getting someone who's never been through that pain to understand because they just don't. I will admit that before my loss I had a co-worker who took a week off work after she had a m/c. I actually thought to myself how dramatic she was being. I had no clue the depth of the pain until I went through it. You can't put into words how much it shatters you.

As far as how to handle your sister, that's really up to you. You have a couple options. You can put your foot down and tell her to STFU and listen. You can stop confiding in her all together. Or you can try to sit her down and explain how what she says makes you feel. If she tries to get defensive, stop her and don't allow her. Tell her it's your turn to say how you feel. Tell her that you are entitled to hurt and ask her how she would expect you to respond if she went through the same thing. Don't get your hopes up too much though that she'll have this moment of clarity and feel bad for all the messed up stuff she's said because she probably won't, but at least you will have spoke your peace. That's why I stick to here mostly. I want to talk to people who understand just how broken I really am over this. Again, huge (hugs) hun. I'm really sorry she's making you feel this way!

jelero · January 2012

I'm so sorry to hear that your sister makes comments like that to you...and that she has such a negative view of motherhood and her own children! What a tragedy! You're absolutely not being overly sensitive at all!! It's your sister who can't see the blessing that she's been given for what they are!! Like you said, she just doesn't understand, but it's such a shame! Unfortunately, I don't think there's a way to make someone understand who hasn't been through a loss themselves. Personally, though, I think that even if she can't understand your feelings, she does need to acknowledge and respect them! (Kind of an agree-to-disagree type thing.) She is your sister and it is inappropriate for her to constantly minimize your feelings and say hurtful things to you (even if she doesn't understand WHY they are hurtful). Maybe this means that you won't be able to confide in her anymore, which is a terrible shame, but you need to do what's right for you. You shouldn't have to endure that type of treatment all the time.

skye83 · January 2012

I am so sorry you are going through this. Some people are just so self absorbed they can't see past their own feelings. I don't really know your sister's situation but it sounds like she's bitter over it. This does not excuse her reaction to you so I hope you don't think I'm standing up for her but she seems to be hurting in her own way. Try to keep that in mind. As far as what to do... I'm pretty non-confrontational myself so I would probably just stop bringing it up around her. I know this may be hard because she is your sister but why put yourself through that?

schuberta · January 2012

Thanks so much for all of the support. (Hugs) back to all of you. This really made me feel better. Maybe I just needed to vent about it or something. We just had lunch together and she was making me feel so bad for still thinking about the loss after a couple of months. Like it should be wiped from my brain somehow.

I've tried to distance myself from her in the past and it never works--she's really needy--but I think I will just have to learn not to go down this road with her and steer the conversation away from babies altogether. She's a pretty good mom, a single mom at that, but she vents A LOT about motherhood when her kids aren't around. I guess I'll just have to come here to talk about things like that. You guys really are such a supportive and wonderful group, and I hate that you're all going through losses too...

schuberta · January 2012

skye83:
This does not excuse her reaction to you so I hope you don't think I'm standing up for her but she seems to be hurting in her own way. Try to keep that in mind.

I do try to keep this in perspective as she is a single mom and has had a hard go of it. I try to help her in a lot of ways, which is another reason I could never just cut her out. But it's just like when I see all the "oops" babies on FB and feel a twinge of bitterness that they're so annoyed at being pregnant. She has what I want, and she doesn't even want it, you know?

skye83 · January 2012

schuberta:
skye83:
This does not excuse her reaction to you so I hope you don't think I'm standing up for her but she seems to be hurting in her own way. Try to keep that in mind.

I do try to keep this in perspective as she is a single mom and has had a hard go of it. I try to help her in a lot of ways, which is another reason I could never just cut her out. But it's just like when I see all the "oops" babies on FB and feel a twinge of bitterness that they're so annoyed at being pregnant. She has what I want, and she doesn't even want it, you know?

I definitely understand. Life's not fair. I admit that I see women like this and I get bitter and jealous. "How can they take for granted the beautiful gift(s) they've been given when that's all that I want and here I am suffering". It's only natural. If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me.

1220winterbride · January 2012

No one can relate to a loss unless they've had one. ectopics, CP, late loss all different but no one should blow it off...ever. Losing a child, the dream of motherhood, the desire to be pg! It's not just the death of the person it's a roller coaster of other fears, painful anxiety, etc

My sis, who is also my BFF, cannot relate. My m om has said rude (not intentionally) things. My DH isn't always on the same page. That's why we need each other or other women in our lives who can be our support.

you guys get it. no one else does.

1220winterbride · January 2012

oh, and nothing personal but your sister is being a selfish t w a t.

shanrob · January 2012

I am sorry you are dealing with this. And the truth is, it seems like she is pretty dissatisfied with motherhood. It's terrible to say, but she probably views your M/C as though you "dodged a bullet", rather than lost a pregnancy that was very much wanted. It's been my experience that with people like that, you really get nowhere most of the time. It might help you to talk with her about her hurtful comments, but her view is probably unlikely to change. You aren't being oversensitive....she is being wildly undersensitive.

peloquinJ · January 2012

I'm sorry you are going through this. My MIL has also made comments about me dwelling on my loss. At this point I have just decided to avoid conversing with her as much as possible, but we didn't have the greatest relationship even before this. People really just have a hard time understanding if they haven't gone through it themselves.

In your update on her being a single mother it makes me wonder if she is stressed by her children. I think I would try to make a last ditch effort to remind her that your situation is slightly different and it is hurtful to you that she is not acknowledging your loss as painful. After that if she still doesn't get it then I would just avoid the subject with her.

schuberta · January 2012

skye83:
schuberta:

skye83:
This does not excuse her reaction to you so I hope you don't think I'm standing up for her but she seems to be hurting in her own way. Try to keep that in mind.

I do try to keep this in perspective as she is a single mom and has had a hard go of it. I try to help her in a lot of ways, which is another reason I could never just cut her out. But it's just like when I see all the "oops" babies on FB and feel a twinge of bitterness that they're so annoyed at being pregnant. She has what I want, and she doesn't even want it, you know?

I definitely understand. Life's not fair. I admit that I see women like this and I get bitter and jealous. "How can they take for granted the beautiful gift(s) they've been given when that's all that I want and here I am suffering". It's only natural. If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me.

Thanks for that, I may have to take you up on it some time

GatorBaby2012 · January 2012

Big hugs to you! I can definitely relate. I didn't tell many people I was pg because DH and I wanted to wait until after 1st tri to announce. Our parents, SIL, one of my best friends, and my boss were the only ones who knew, and we had only told them after our first successful u/s, a week prior to my m/c. The month I got my BFP, my sister and I had a huge falling out about something unrelated and I never told her. After my m/c, my mom felt like my sister needed to know about it (since normally we were close) so she told her. My sister is 2 years younger than me, rushed into marriage, got pregnant at 24, then was divorced by the time my nephew was 3. She only has him half of the time, but for over a year she's been in this sewing wild oats phase and even on the weekends she had custody, she would pawn her son off on my parents so she could go out partying with her single kidless friends. So, after my mom told my sister about my m/c, on the day that I was on misoprostol, my sister called me in tears. The conversation was genuine for about the first 2.5 seconds before it turned ugly with comments like "well, it could be worse, you could have a retard like I do" (my nephew is not disabled, he is just in the terrible 4's, probably from lack of attention from his mother) and "you're like those women on tv, the ones who didn't know they were pregnant and then ended up having a baby on the toilet." On top of all of that, she was upset because my mom was coming up to spend the next day with me and take me to my f/u OB appt, which "ruined" my sister's beach trip (she was going to pawn off her kid on my mom that day.) Needless to say, I went effing ballistic and haven't felt the same toward my sister since. We didn't speak for quite awhile but I sucked it up and played nice at Christmas. She's my sister and I will always love her but those scars will be there forever.

Then, to add to it all, my m/c happened during a really busy time at work. My boss was very understanding as he and his wife had experienced a loss, infertility, and ultimately ended up adopting. However, 3 months later in my semi-annual evaluations, I got written up for not being a team player on the specific project that was going on during my m/c. I only took 2 days off from work, and even then responded to emails periodically when I was off. I just got my eval a couple of weeks ago, from a different boss who knew nothing about my m/c, and I let it remain a secret. I plan to sit down with my boss who did know about my m/c and discuss my feelings on that, because that's not cool at all.

I also receive weekly emails from my mom with articles or Dr. Oz clips or some other BS about infertility. Gotta love that unsolicited advice from someone that doesn't have a freaking clue!

(((HUGS))) to you all.

schuberta · January 2012

shanrob:
It's terrible to say, but she probably views your M/C as though you "dodged a bullet", rather than lost a pregnancy that was very much wanted.

I think this is exactly how she feels. Like I'm the lucky one. And I think that's probably why it's so hard for her to change her mindset.

peloquinj:
I think I would try to make a last ditch effort to remind her that your situation is slightly different and it is hurtful to you that she is not acknowledging your loss as painful. After that if she still doesn't get it then I would just avoid the subject with her.

I did this today, really, hence my frustration. It's not the first time she's heard of these feelings. So I think I might have to just avoid avoid avoid.

gatorbaby2012:
she would pawn her son off on my parents so she could go out partying with her single kidless friends.

WOW. Your sister sounds very similar to mine, except mine is two years older than me. She doesn't do this as much as she used to, though, so maybe it will pass for your sister too.

Sounds like you had a tough time as well, I feel your pain. It sucks when your sister, someone you would love to confide in, can't be there for you in the way that you want. I think that's the part I am struggling with the most.

Oh, and all that work stuff you dealt with is BS. I was, thankfully, between jobs during all of this, but I can't believe that they would hold such a sucky thing against you in a professional environment Sorry you had to go through that.

GatorBaby2012 · January 2012

...and, that last post was completely AW-ish and never got around to providing advice...

schuberta:
Do I just have to stop confiding in her entirely? Or am I just being overly sensitive? It seems that no one in my family--besides my husband--is supportive of me during this whole thing, and they all expect me to just get over it and move on already since it was an early loss.

You are not being overly sensitive. If you can talk openly with your sister and share your feelings, then I suggest that. If your sister is anything like mine, that won't work though. In that case, just stop confiding until she has done something to earn your trust back. That's the road I'm taking at this time. I am also struggling with getting the rest of my family to completely empathize because, 5 months later, my m/c is an after thought to them. I have found that discussing my feelings with my therapist helps, and she's starting to dig a little deeper into the trust issues that I'm having with my family and close friends. That's something that you could consider if you feel like you're struggling with feeling unsupported.

hungryhippo · January 2012

schuberta:
Thanks so much for all of the support. (Hugs) back to all of you. This really made me feel better. Maybe I just needed to vent about it or something. We just had lunch together and she was making me feel so bad for still thinking about the loss after a couple of months. Like it should be wiped from my brain somehow.

I've tried to distance myself from her in the past and it never works--she's really needy--but I think I will just have to learn not to go down this road with her and steer the conversation away from babies altogether. She's a pretty good mom, a single mom at that, but she vents A LOT about motherhood when her kids aren't around. I guess I'll just have to come here to talk about things like that. You guys really are such a supportive and wonderful group, and I hate that you're all going through losses too...

I think you are on the right track. My counselor helped me see that are various people in my life who are available to support me on various levels. Those who just don't get it are now people that I just don't engage with on this particular topic. I can't change them or make them be more available to support me but I can reduce the number of opportunities I create for them to (inadvertently) remind me that they can't support me in relation to my losses.

Now I like those people a little more than I did a few months ago.

I definitely consider this board a huge part of my support system and if there has to be a support community for pregnancy loss, I'm glad I found this one.

GatorBaby2012 · January 2012

schuberta:

gatorbaby2012:
she would pawn her son off on my parents so she could go out partying with her single kidless friends.

WOW. Your sister sounds very similar to mine, except mine is two years older than me. She doesn't do this as much as she used to, though, so maybe it will pass for your sister too.

Sounds like you had a tough time as well, I feel your pain. It sucks when your sister, someone you would love to confide in, can't be there for you in the way that you want. I think that's the part I am struggling with the most.

Oh, and all that work stuff you dealt with is BS. I was, thankfully, between jobs during all of this, but I can't believe that they would hold such a sucky thing against you in a professional environment Sorry you had to go through that.

It does sound like our sisters are similar. We should introduce them and they can writhe in misery together. Therapy is really helping mend my broken heart over the trust issues I'm having (in addition to the grief loss and TTCAL stress).

schuberta · January 2012

hungryhippo:
I can't change them or make them be more available to support me but I can reduce the number of opportunities I create for them to (inadvertently) remind me that they can't support me in relation to my losses.

That's a good way to look at it. I think I might have to start pointing myself in that direction. I always get so upset when the people I support don't support me back, but you are right that you cannot change someone else, you can really only change yourself and how you relate to them. Thanks.

gatorbaby2012:
just stop confiding until she has done something to earn your trust back. That's the road I'm taking at this time. I am also struggling with getting the rest of my family to completely empathize because, 5 months later, my m/c is an after thought to them

That's the route I think I'll take as well. And I totally feel like my family thinks of this as an afterthought as well. Even before my HCG was back down to 0, they were basically over the whole thing.

gatorbaby2012:
It does sound like our sisters are similar. We should introduce them and they can writhe in misery together.

This made me laugh. Thanks for that

Eveanyn · January 2012

(((hugs))) I'm sorry you're going through this. In this instance I would honestly call your sister a t w a t, as well.

AngnShaun · January 2012

I am so sorry... im also going to apologize in advance for what im about to say... You need to sit your sister down and tell her that just because she is a miserable B in her life and thinks that her two blessings are a burden to her doesnt mean everyone else feels that way and she should keep her mouth shut if she doesnt have anything nice to say in the future!!!!

LEP424 · January 2012

((Hugs)) PPs totally have it covered! Thinking of you.

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