multiple losses... how do you keep doing it?

kate6267 · January 2012

If you have had more then one loss how do you approach TTCAL again? My next pregnancy will be pregnancy number 4 I have had a late loss a C/P and an early Miscarriage.
We are so excited to finally get to start trying again but I can't help thinking A. It will take a long time again (sorry I know 6 months is not really that long) B. I will just lose the pregnancy right away again and if I dont... something will be horribly wrong with the baby again.
I guess I just have a hard time ever actually imagining a baby coming home with us... However this doesn't stop me from wanting to try so I must have some hope....
I guess my question is how do you deal with being scared shitless?

Carolee · January 2012

I ask myself this all the time. I honestly don't know the answer. I just keep trying. I'm not going to lie - there are lots of days where I just want to give up. I often think about what my life might be like child-free, because there is a real possibility that could happen and I feel like if I prepare for it, it will help ease some of the sting. I guess I've always been a realist - I see things for what they are. DH and I aren't ready to throw in the towel yet because we still have more hopeful days than hopeless days. Am I scared? Yes! I'm terrified, of all of it - being pg (and being able to stay that way) and then actually getting to bring home a baby. Just know you're not alone - I completely get everything you're saying (as I'm sure everyone here does). (((HUGS)))

cutebride73 · January 2012

I agree with Carolee - I don't know some days either. It is hard, really hard. Hard to keep the hope alive that a pregnancy will ever work out. And then when you do get pregnant you are insane watching the test sticks, waiting for betas, waiting for a u/s (if you get that far). Sometimes I feel like maybe we should just give up, that it isn't meant to be - as sad as that makes me feel.

But, then I think, really think of the alternative - never holding a sweet newborn in my arms that DH and I have created and I can't imagine that either. Not yet anyway. So I keep on and keep on keeping on. Until we are out of money or so far into debt that we just can't do it anymore.

In the meantime, I just keep praying and praying that somehow this will work out, that DH and I will have a healthy, take-home baby. Some days it is impossible, but I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I guess that's all we can do really.

It is just so hard. (((((hugs))))

hungryhippo · January 2012

I hate to admit this, but I know that my next pregnancy will do one of two things: give me a take home baby OR allow me to qualify for testing. Either of those options sound better than the limbo that I currently feel not knowing the cause of my losses.

I know that there is a good chance that with the testing I still may not get any answers, but at least it would give me something to take part in that is more than just wait & see.

Other than that I still find myself getting excited each cycle around O time. I don't honestly know how I would create that feeling if it were lacking all the time. I hope something sparks a feeling of hope and excitement for you!

ufsandra85 · January 2012

i think i will be scared until i die. Seriously. i have had 4ish losses. one after strong heartbeats. They say the chance of losing one after strong heartbeats is low. I have seen so many women on here with stillborn babies, that chance is even lower. I also know people whose children have died at a young age, during childhood, teenage years, or early adulthood. when you care about someone you are always scared to lose it but that shouldn't stop you from living or loving in the first place. I just take it one day at a time and focus on how happy I am

mork · January 2012

Like the other ladies, I don't know the answer either. I used to see our future with kids in it, whether babies or teenagers, but I don't anymore. I can't imagine what it will be like anymore, because I don't truly believe it will ever happen. That being said, we still want it. So, we keep on trying. I don't know how, but each day keeps coming, and we keep wanting and trying.

I do sometimes wonder if we should give up. We had a great and very happy life as a couple. For a long time we weren't even sure we wanted kids. I could've been happy with that life then. But now that this desire is inside both of us, I don't know if I could be happy with that anymore.

I hope that someday I can believe that pregnancy = baby, but right now I don't, and it kills me. Not only for us, but for the other pregnant women I see and think 'don't be so happy and sure; you're probably not getting a baby at the end.' I don't say it out loud, except to DH, but that's truly how I feel now, and it's heart breaking. And yet, we keep trying.

delino · January 2012

I think for me I keep going because I never pictured a life without a child. I can't accept it, but I know there is only so far I can go to make that happen. Life has not taken the path that I thought it would which leaves me fealing lost and confused many days. My husband didn't want children back in the day and now he is so sure that we will be parents. His optimism scares me and I get mad that I am the one causing our problems. I guess I just try to focus on the possibility of holding our LO in my arms.

buckeyebaby814 · January 2012

I was just thinking about this yesterday. If/when I get pregnant again, it will be pregnancy #4 for me. That just blows my mind. Some days I am just so exhausted and sad I don't even want to try/ care.

Also, I've noticed prior to my last two losses, I didn't think it would happen to me again. I didn't think I would be someone with multiple losses. After #2, I felt like fixing my LP would keep/make my pregnancies viable. So when I got pregnant for the 3rd time on clomid with only a tiny bit of spotting that went and stayed away, I completely thought I was good to go.

This is my first cycle back TTCAL #3 so I am pretty optimistic, but we'll see how long that lasts!

kate6267 · January 2012

I am sitting here with tears dripping down my face because all of your posts made me realize that you are right... not trying again is not an option either. I have had the amazing experience of holding one of my babies in my arms... and while it was the worst day of my life because my baby died and I had to give birth to her it was still one of the best days of my life because I got to hold our beautiful little girl.

And while I have experienced so much grief and pain in the last year It does not outweigh the joy that she has brought to our lives.

So I guess I will just keep trying and putting one foot in front of the other and hoping and praying that the next time I hold one of our babies in my arms that that baby is alive and well.

I guess all we have is hope and faith. I will keep you all in my thoughts in prayers, and I Hope someday we all get our amazing children.

hungryhippo · January 2012

kate6267:
I am sitting here with tears dripping down my face because all of your posts made me realize that you are right... not trying again is not an option either. I have had the amazing experience of holding one of my babies in my arms... and while it was the worst day of my life because my baby died and I had to give birth to her it was still one of the best days of my life because I got to hold our beautiful little girl.
And while I have experienced so much grief and pain in the last year It does not outweigh the joy that she has brought to our lives.
So I guess I will just keep trying and putting one foot in front of the other and hoping and praying that the next time I hold one of our babies in my arms that that baby is alive and well.
I guess all we have is hope and faith. I will keep you all in my thoughts in prayers, and I Hope someday we all get our amazing children.

((huge hugs)) Hope and faith can do wonders. ((more hugs))

butterfly843 · January 2012

I'm probably not one of the best people to answer this question. I really don't feel like I will get my take home baby. Dh is hopeful, but all I think is that I may get pg again but will probably had another loss. Like you I've had 3 different types of losses and I think my body will just have another type I haven't had yet. The only thing that keeps me trying is how bad I want a baby. Right now I'm debating on going back to the RE or just trying on our own.

VeilSdeGTO · January 2012

*butting in* It was hard to keep going after so many losses because getting that BFP didn't mean I was going to get my take home baby. I wanted to give up every month. However, I wanted a baby more than anything and that (along with AF being gone) kept me going. The fear of something going wrong never goes away, but you deal with it one day at a time. Crying, screaming, cursing the universe, and being in a dark place every once in a while helped too. ((hugs)) sorry no paragraphs.

ktsnshn · January 2012

My first loss I thought it was just one of those things and I had so much hope that it would work out ok the next time. My second loss has really hit me hard. I struggle constantly with knowing that it is very easy for me to get pregnant, but not so easy to stay pregnant. I have a hard time not thinking "when I have my next loss." My cycles were like clockwork when I had my son, since then they have been out of whack. I keep thinking wacky cycles equals a loss for me, so I am afraid to try. That said, I want a baby so bad I know I will try again, and again until I have exhausted all my options. Keep the hope alive and just keep trying. Miracles happen every day.

AngnShaun · January 2012

Its hard, but my desire for children is stronger than the pain and sadness i feel from my miscarriages.... thats what makes me keep going. {{HUGS}} its never going to be easy!

AustinBride06 · January 2012

I honestly don't know. Some days I'm totally determined. Some days I'm totally zen ("it'll happen when it's supposed to happen"). Some days (like yesterday) I'm just ready to throw the towel in because I feel like I'm doing everything I possibly can and either DH or life doesn't cooperate with me.

At this point I'm not even thinking about being scared anymore. At this point I want those two pink lines already. I'll get scared later.

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