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Working Moms
(vent) Because I'm going back to work, she wants my baby to live with her...
Let me start by saying my MIL is a great help, It would have taken me longer to get where I am today without her help. But as helpful as she is, she is just as crazy. Today I went to her house to drop off my little girl, she goes there every weekend. While we were talking about the baby (who I might add, isn't here yet) and her schedule, she says " Actually I was thinking, Zoya could just live with me. You could see her on the weekends and you could see her for 2 hours after work. It's how grandparents do in Russia when parents are too busy for their children." All I could do to not tell her how out of touch she was, was to say no, no, no, no,no,no, absolutely not. I continued to say that until I calmed down.
The vague and short background behind the reason I was so upset by this is because on many occasions she has insisted that she raised my first daughter. Which is absolutely untrue. I had to work, she volunteered to watch her while I worked instead of keeping her in childcare to cut down on sickness. I have learned my lesson...
Like I mentioned earlier, she has been very helpful in the past but I am very irritated by her. I just want to cut her off entirely. Am I overreacting? should I just ignore her comments? Or should I cut her off, she honestly does not have any boundaries...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: (vent) Because I'm going back to work, she wants my baby to live with her...
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I would not use her for childcare... i'd rather stop working if i couldn't afford some other care... that- no woman is going to say that to me.
This.
And, I guess granny doesn't get to babysit anymore...
We'll miss you sweet Debbie Girl (4.21.12) and sweet Cindy Girl (8.9.12)
This!!
Don't you miss your daughter on weekends? I know that on the rare occasion (twice since she was born) that DH and I have both been away from DD all weekend, I was missing her by crazy at the end. It is good for us to have time away on occasion, but working full time I miss my kiddo enough during the week.
If you don't want MIL claiming to raise your child, then don't let her watch your child so much. Is there a reason your FIL needs to see her every weekend? My IL's see my DD once a month, if that. They wish we brought her over every day, but I need to balance our family time, my parents and my in-laws. No way in heck would I set up a scenario where my in-laws consistently got equal awake time with DD as me every week. Again, if it works for you, that is great, but it sounds like you don't like it, so put a stop to it.
A Little Bird and a Monkey Butt
@ Emilia-
Unfortunately your taking your pet peeve issue a little far. I would like to clarify this post for you. I am not getting free childcare. I did not think it to be necessary to post anything financial being that it has nothing to do with my vent. It doesn't matter if I payed her in peanuts. She is not raising and will not raise any of my children. My little girl is six, so she is in school and childcare is not needed. The situation is not bad, it is frustrating. I posted this to get an outsiders point of view on an issue I am having, I appreciate your post though.
I guess as a person who frequents this board often it seems like people are always quick to get upset with family members who are watching their children for them (both on and off work times). Again it isn't directed at your post in general just something that comes up a few times a week on here and my position is your kids your choices don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with.
Your child spends every weekend at her grandparents, she watched your older child while you worked all week before she was in school, and you're somehow confused that the boundaries between parent and grandparent are being crossed? You can't really blame her for that attitude based on the information you provided. She does seem like shes playing more of the role of a parent vs a grandparent.
If you want her to see you as more of a parent, take your kids on the weekends, let them spend one weekend a month there, and find someone else to watch your child while you work.
I agree with this. Watching your child while you are at work is one thing, but taking them every weekend just so grandpa can see them is another. Can't you just go over every other Sunday for brunch?
I guess I should have went more in depth with my vent lol. My mother in law did watch my oldest for a year and a half, until I decided that my little girl needed to be put back in childcare. It is a family thing as to why she goes to her grandparents house on the weekends (personal). The weekends are not an issue. She goes on Friday or Saturday depending on when Grandpa comes, and comes home Sunday morning.
@ KC
I have a few question for you. Do daycares raise children? If I did cut back her weekends to her grandparents would grandma be less of a "parent" vs a grandparent? I would really like to know your point of views. Lol, thanks for the comment, hope to read from you soon.
IMO, it really depends on how long they are at daycare vs. with you the parent. DD is in daycare about six hours a day and for about 2 of those hours she is sleeping.
She's with me on my breaks and all weekend.
It sounds like your LO is at daycare most of the day and then gone all weekend. I don't understand why you'd let your DD be gone ALL weekend. Don't you miss her?
I do not think daycares raise children, no.
I think your situation is more than a mom sending her kid from daycare for 8 hours a day/5 days a week though. From what your Op suggested, your grandmother would provide childcare from Monday-Friday for your baby while you worked. On top of that the kids spend the weekends there. Last time I checked, kids didnt stay overnight at daycare on the weekends.
In that scenario is that a bit like your in laws playing the role of a parent than of a grandparent? Absolutely. In my eyes it is. I also think that if you took on a more tranditional view of letting the kids stay there once a month or so vs every weekend, they may get back to reality and start seeing that you're the parent in the situation. When kids are spending 7 days a week with grandparents it's easy to see how those lines could get blurry.
Heck, I work 15 hours a week and my parents watch my kids for 8 hours of that time a week and I struggle with that from time to time. I just can't imagine how that kind of arrangement could ever work long term.
@MrsSR
Good for you = ). But I'm confused as to why you think my little one is in daycare most of the day? pls help me out. She's in elementary school from 8am until 2:30pm. (she is six and childcare is not needed, as I mentioned above) I say if my math is correct, that is 6.5hrs. In MY opinion neither schools nor daycares raise children. I carried my child until she was born, I discipline my child, I feed my child, I do her homework with her, not a day goes by that I don't spend time with my child, when she is sick I nurture her and take her to her doctors appointments, just because she visits her Grandparents on the weekends does not mean I don't miss her, or that her Grandmother raised her. I also visit the IL on the weekends and up until recently I stopped staying the night. It takes a lot of things to be a parent, not just having your child home on the weekends. Thank you for your comment.
A Little Bird and a Monkey Butt
@ KC,
Thank you, I appreciate your response. I realize I left out a lot of info in my original post. It's very easy to assume things as a previous poster has proven. I went over the schedule of me working, my husbands schedule and childcare and after school care for the girls. Like I mentioned in the OP MIL is very helpful. She wants to be involved in everything related to her grandchildren which I really do appreciate. But I don't need as much help as she suggested or offered. Thank you again for you input.
@Becca,
Thank you. I realize that now, and will definitely try to give a better explanation of things.
Uh no, you're not overreacting. I would cut that B off completely. And I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband. That's nerve!
But that's weird. Are you a working mom? Don't you want to see your kid on the weekends? I would never in a million years send my kids to the ILs on the weekends, because I don't get to see them much during the week. If she's not with you on the week nights or on the weekends, when does she get to see her mom? This is sad.
I am so sorry that you were subjected to her saying that to you. I would have been so hurt and upset. You are her mother and are not only raising her you are working your butt off too! You are a stronger woman than I am because I would have decked her. I have no advice for you but I do not think you are over reacting. I don't suggest you cut her off because I do not know your situation and I am trying to keep my baby out of daycare too, at least until she is older and she needs more kids around for stimulation. But my selfish part would say cut her off too!
Good luck!
Mommy loves you Eevee!
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Right, but even in that explanation your arrangement with your ILs is not typical.
When your MIL gets your child everyday when she gets off the bus, watches her until you get out of work, then takes her overnight on the weekend, she is playing more of a parental role than the role of a grandparent whether you want to admit it or not. Naturally when she has that kind of role in your child's life, she is going to cross that line with you. I know that some grandparents enjoy being *that* involved (my parents are the same way), but when you allow them, those lines can get blurred as to what their role in their grandchild's life is.
Now that you have another child coming, you have to choose what is more valuable to you. Continuing this cycle with your next child where she watches LO while you work/takes your kids on weekends but oversteps her boundaries, or if you want her to have a more traditional role in your children's lives where she takes them one weekend a month and provides occasional care. Only you know what's best for your family.
Best wishes with whatever you decide.
I'm not going to comment on the weekend thing as you are getting enough of that. But I will share why I think this is a cultural thing.
You said she said 'In Russia...'. If she was raised in Russia she is used to a culture that when parents become grandparents they quit working and take care of the grandchildren while the kids work. I didn't know this till the other day when I ran into a former daycare worker (she's originally from Russia) and she was talking about her daughter/SIL expecting and what she was doing for daycare. Her daughter had commented about 'how many children she had raised' doing daycare and saying her baby would be fine in daycare. My back went up about that statement (as this woman wasn't my fave daycare person but she did love the kids). But when she explained how different it is in the US vs. Russia that statement made a lot more sense. Right or wrong (wrong for saying it to you and wrong for thinking she'd have your baby except when you visited) I think it's a cultural thing that she didn't mean to offend you with.