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Attachment Parenting
luvmybaby28
member
another tantrum post - feel like the worst mama ever. . . . .
luvmybaby28
member
I feel like most of my lo's awake time is spent tantruming, one after another, even when all I want is to prevent the tantrums and have my happy little boy back.
I posted yesterday about difficulty with leaving places where he is having fun, but this is not the only issue. When we are home, we have babyproofed things and he can wander around most places, but the second I redirect him from pulling all the clothes out of my closet, getting into the dishwasher, many other areas that I did not babyproof - he has a tantrum. It feels like it happens all the time so we try to get out.
We went to the park today and he was happily walking around and picking things up, but he picked up a really sharp branch and I took it away so he didn't poke his eye - tantrum.
he wanted to go up and down the concrete stairs without my husband holding his hand, but my h didn't let go because we don not have stairs at home and it would be unsafe - tantrum.
leave the park - monster tantrum.
I am just feeling really down and like a failure, I am so badly wanting him to be happy and he just seems to have meltdown after meltdown throughout the day no matter what.
I feel like I either have to leave somewhere or change what he is doing to change a diaper or feed him, or I am protecting him to keep him safe, neither of which I will stop doing. Sorry so long.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: another tantrum post - feel like the worst mama ever. . . . .
From the examples you've given it seems like your LO has a developing sense of independence, and his tantrums are an expression of his frustration that he can't/isn't allowed to do certain things.
I wonder if some of the things you are, keeping him safe from you perhaps could relax.
eg. if he's determined to climb the stairs, then there are ways to walk up the steps behind him, being ready to catch him if he stumbles. That way he gets to practice a new skill, and develop his independence.
Obviously this isn't always the solution and if you're in a hurry then you may not be able to accommodate him, but maybe look at ways to allow more freedom when you can.
Is it really a big deal if he pulls your cothes out beyond it being a hassle to tidy up?
If he wants to investigate the dishwasher, can you teach him how to put some easy/safe things away?
I don't think tantrums mean you're a bad parent at all. Some children are more strong willed than others, and tantrums really start to peak at this age because your LO can't properly communicate what it is he's trying to, and his body can't do all the things his mind thinks of, so there's a lot of frustration on his part.
I know it's really frustrating as a parent but hang in there, this too shall pass.
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
I think the PP hit a couple of key points. When you stop him from getting what he wants, do you really NEED to do so?
Pulling clothes out of your dresser isn't a safety issue, so do you have to say no? Can you turn it into a game instead - can he pull everything out, then put everything back in, then repeat? (Sure, you'll have to refold everything, but he'll have fun and won't harm anything.)
Can you turn the dishwasher time into something different? Does it work to redirect him to something different entirely (and maybe go with him, putting off dealing with the dishwasher), or giving him controlled small tasks (like, please take this cup of yours and put it away on the shelves with your plates and cups which is accessible to you)?
One of the things that I really try to separate is what is a safety issue, what is a discipline issue, and what is an annoyance issue. Really, the safety issues are the only time when always saying no is reasonable, imho. (Though others may disagree, of course, as we all find our own best parenting approaches.) Annoyance issues are things (like the dresser drawer) that we want to say no to because it will annoy us to "undo" the playing, but our kids' jobs aren't to keep us happy, but to explore their world. My job is to figure out how I can help them do exactly that. Maybe it means making a mess, maybe it means being inventive and finding something very similar to what they want to do (like something safe to climb on rather than a rocking chair) or making what they want to do safe enough (like letting them do stairs themselves but being close enough to catch them should they start to fall), but that's my job.
In the end, our job is NOT to make our kids happy - it's to build a rich experience for them, or get out of the way of them finding that own rich experience themselves, without them severely injuring themselves.
I agree with PP. Also, If he gets to do some of the things he wants, it might not be such a big deal when he does hear "no" to the safety issues. If he is constantly hearing he can't do things, it *is* probably really frustrating for him.
We are really lax about what LO can do - she pretty much can play with anything that is not a safety hazard. When I cook, she plays with spatulas and pots and pans on the floor. When I am putting away laundry she plays with the clothes. It takes longer, and sometimes it doesn't get done, but she is exploring and learning. In our house, most everything is a toy or learning experience as long as it's safe. I know that is not the norm, but that's the way we roll.
We just feel that this is a time of exploration for her and don't want to limit her to toys. That being said, she is supervised 100% of the time.
I appreciate all the replies ladies. I should have explained pulling clothes out of the closet, I do not care about mess AT ALL! throwing food on the ground, clothes everywhere, no problem at all. It's just that my husband uses a lot of wire hangers and he pulls really hard and the hanger goes flying - could get in his eye, or he could pull hard and forcefully fall back and hit the wall, just a safety issue.
I did redirect him to another branch at the park, but he wanted the sharp one.
I really want to give him as much freedom as possible, but I simply cannot let him do something dangerous to avoid the tantrum. The dishwasher issue happened when he was playing in the kitchen and my h opened it to put something in, it was filled with dirty dishes and plates, glasses, etc. My h closed it and lo saw so he just wanted it opened again.
I read in the spirited child book to create a place of yes, and I have tried to do that, but there is always something that is not a yes place that he manages to want to get into the most!
My son had a fasination with the dishwasher, so what I do is remove the silverware holder to out of reach so he cant get the knives. He is allowed to help me empty it by handing bowls and plates while singing the clean up song. Works like a charm and helps me get housework done.
Weve also made a game of open/shut. Gives an opportunity to practice words. If the dishwasher is dirty, we tell him that it's dirty and we need to shut it. After a few times of that he bores of the dishwasher.
Throw away your wire hangers and replace with plastic ones.
PPs made a lot of great points. I've come to terms with the fact that sometimes it's just unavoidable. DS had a tantrum of monster proportions when we have to leave B&N (the train table) one day in late November. I felt horrible for him and for myself but looking back (and of course we wonder over and over if we could have done something differently) there was NO WAY he would have ever left that place smiling and willingly. Unfortunately, they just have to work through it. All we can do is keep them safe and tell them we understand how they feel.
As far the dishwasher, DS is obsessed with ours. He's convinced that it is a train of sorts (it has wheels and a track after all). To save my sanity I put him in his booster with play dough while I deal with the dishes.
He also likes to throw laundry around while I fold it so I give him his own laundry basket and a few towels to play with. Sometimes it keeps him busy long enough to get a load folded.
A lot of that is totally fair. When I encounter that, I try one of three things:
1) how can I make it safe enough? can you not use wire hangers, but plastic instead? can you take the clothes down off the hangers so they're on the floor and he throws it from there (you would have to be involved in this play)? can you help him pulling things off the hangers so they don't go flying (again, you would have to be involved in this play)? (the hanger could get in his eye thing I can *sortof* see - really, it's hard to have a situation like that where you'd actually hurt your eye, been there done that myself. but falling back to hit a wall? eh, so he hits a wall. yeah, probably hard enough to be uncomfortable, but not enough to do damage. if it were a wall corner, where the force is localized to a smaller area, I could see it, but not a whole wall.)
2) how can I do something similar that would be fun in the same way, but different enough? can you put an unziped jacket on a plastic hanger that you hold and he pulls it off, puts it back on, and repeats? can you hang towels or scarves over his crib rail so he can pull them off of it? can you give him a box of kleenex to pull all the tissue out of? (some of these things are nearly the same, some are farther out, but the idea is trying to find out what the key interest factor is - the pulling down, the arm movement. "similar" activities don't always have to be *that* similar, if you can find out what it is that the kid is really liking about it.)
3) redirect and work through the tantrum. NOTHING you do, especially right now, will stop the tantrum immediately, or even make them less over the next day or two. this is the work of weeks, helping him transition. in the case of something dangerous, I would say "I know you want to pull things off of daddy's hangers. It does look fun. But it's dangerous as you could pull down the hangers too and they could hurt you. Let's go play <insert some area where the closet/hangers/clothes are OUT OF VIEW>." I'd then take his hand (carry him if he's thrown himself on the floor, and take him to the other area. Oh, yes, he may be tantruming through the whole thing, but you remain totally calm. Let him know you understand ("I understand you are upset. It can be upsetting not to get to play with things you want to play with. And it's ok to be upset about it. But we cannot play with things that can hurt you.") But do NOT get angry, get upset, get flustered, get annoyed. Just a deep breath and a little internal distance. (Yes, yes - this isn't easy. Thank goodness I've had a decade of yoga in my life and three years of dog training to help me practice this. But that's just it - it's a practice. Keep practicing, no matter how many times you don't quite get it, and it will get easier.)
None of this will stop tantrums from happening - as you noted, he wants to get into things he isn't supposed to because he's learning to test his boundaries and his whole job in life is to figure out what he can do and how he can do it.
I would also note that if he's tired or hungry or hurt (physically, like teething), he's going to have a harder time regulating his emotions. Tantrums will be worse. Know it. Know that he's not trying to be worse about it. He's just tired or hungry or hurt.
Keep up the good work mom! I don't know how many years ahead of us we have with this sort of behavior to discipline (but I know it's many). We'll all make it through, if for no other reason than because we cannot stop the passage of time.
Little Rose is 2 1/2.
Lots of people have made lots of good points and made good suggestions, but I just wanted to say that maybe it will pass. We have had a couple of weeks; one where I finally discovered a molar poking through, and one that ended in an eventual trip to the doctor and a double ear infection diagnosis, one when she really needed to poop, etc when DD was a MESS. We tried different techniques, but in the end when she became more physically comfortable the tantrums returned to a "normal" level and I had my happy girl back. She has never let us know when she is in pain or sick; we always have to figure it out on our own and in our own time, but the point is, maybe he's going through a phase, or getting a tooth, or having growing pains or something; just don't beat yourself up so much.
AND, as for being "too worried he will get hurt", I TOTALLY understand!
Do you give fair warning or explanation before removing him from a situation or taking something away? I know DD tantrums a lot more when my husband is home because he'll just pick her up or take something away without warning and it's a meltdown every time. I've been using the phrase "last time" for awhile now and she finally understands, even if she doesn't always agree. If she's told ahead of time the protest is usually less.
Like others have said, though, I think you could say no less often. DD loves the dishwasher, if she comes around while I'm loading it I give her spoons and plastic bowls to chuck in. Sure I have to redo it later, but she's learning. Something like the trash, if she opens it and doesn't have something to toss I tell her "yucky, we don't need that right now" - after a lot of repetition she has learned words like yucky or danger mean I'm going to take it away if she doesn't move on. The hangers I honestly wouldn't even worry about and a stick is a stick in my mind, I'd just keep a close eye and make sure he isn't running with it or something. I also encourage her to do things like climb stairs independently, though of course I'm right behind.
Obviously there are times I take things away or have to redirect and she screams and rants at me, but it doesn't happen too too often.
I heard this on the radio the other day, What's behind a temper tantrum?
I don't know if I have any better advice that the pps, but I did find the article interesting on how deal with already happening tantrums.
VERY good idea! It's sometimes hard for me to remember to do this, but it's getting easier. And she really does respond to it.
I know this thread is old so maybe there's no point in replying at this point, but just in case you come back in...
Do you ever use counting to help transition him from one activity to another and/or to stop doing something/give up a toy? The therapist we see for Early Intervention suggested it and it has worked *wonders* for our kiddos. We tell them what is going to happen (the immediate behavior, counting, and the next step), count it down, and move on.
So for a dangerous stick, I'd first ask him to put the stick down (give him a chance to do it on his own). If he didn't put it down immediately, I'd say "I'm going to count to five, and when I get to five I am going to take the stick from you and we're going to go play on the swings." Then count from 1 to 5 slowly, and at 5 take the stick and move on to the next activity.
At first (before our kids understood the pattern), they would cry/scream when we took the item. After doing this for just a short while, though (maybe a week?), they started handing us the item midway through the counting. Now they usually give it to us before we start counting. We've found the technique works well in a variety of circumstances-- taking desired items, stopping undesired behaviors, leaving beloved places, etc.
I should emphasize that the counting is NOT a threatening "you'd better be careful because I'm going to count to five and then something bad is going to happen!" counting. It's just very pleasant, matter-of-fact conversation about what's going to happen.
IUI #3 gave us the best 2nd anniv. gift ever: 2 babies! (born 03/09/10)
Peanut and Little Man are getting so big! 2 years old already!
finally blogging again at This Will Be: An Adventure