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Parenting
Another "didn't invite friend" post except I'm the mean mom.
At DD's Christmas party on the last day of school before break, DD and friend 1 were talking bout getting together over break. Friend 2 heard and asked if she could come over also. I said sure.
The next day, my dad passed away (2 days before Christmas). So the week between Christmas and New Years was very busy with friends and family stopping by to pay respects. I also went back and forth between my parent's house and ours daily--an hour each way. Needless to say, between being busy and just not feeling like hosting kids, I didn't make plans to have DD's friends over. Finally, just before the end of break, we were having a good day (no tears) so I spontaneously told DD she could call up friend 1 and ask her over for a few hours. Friend 1 lives 15 minutes away so we went over and picked her up. She stayed a couple of hours and then I drove her home. It was quick and fun.
I did not invite friend number 2 because she's not as close with my DD as friend 1. Also, friend #2 lives an hour away (they go to a private school that draws kids from a wide area). There's no such thing as calling her up spontaneously to have her drop over. When she comes from that far away, it turns into an all afternoon thing. I didn't have the time or energy for more than one kid so the closer (emotionally and geographically) friend won out.
Fast forward to this week. I volunteer at lunch/recess on Wednesdays. The friend who came over ran up to me to tell me how much fun she had at our house over break. The other little girl was right there and heard. She looked at me like she was going to cry and said "I was supposed to come too!" I told her I was very sorry but our Christmas break just didn't go according to plan and it wasn't possible for us to plan a play date for everyone. I left it at that because I didn't want to explain that DD's grandfather had passed away to a 5 year old. I didn't want to open up the topic of grandparents dying because I wasn't sure what her experience with loved ones passing is and I didn't want be the one to introduce that concept to her.
Well, two after that conversation, I am still feeling like a sh*tty person because the little girl looked so sad when she realized she was not included in the play date. I'm wondering if I should call the mom up and explain the situation or just let it go. For what it's worth, the mom is not a terribly nice person. Her daughter is just as sweet as can be but the mom is kind of the queen b*tch of the school. I'm feeling awful about the daughter but I really don't want to have a conversation with the mom. The mom is pretty self centered and I'm pretty sure she will use her snotty tone of voice to imply I'm a crappy person and completely ignore the reason for the snub was that my father died.
What would you do.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Another "didn't invite friend" post except I'm the mean mom.
I am so sorry for your loss.
That's a tough one, I would feel bad for hurting the little girl's feelings too (though it is totally understandable). I suspect she will talk to her mom about it (or I hope she would since she might have feelings she should talk about). How would you feel about sending the mom a quick email. I might not say when the other little girl came over, only that the little girl overheard a conversation and was sad not to be able to come over and you feel terrible. I find it hard to imagine she will take a snotty tone when you explain you just suffered the loss of your father. Maybe you could set up a playdate in the future?
So sorry for your loss.
If I was the other Mom I would want to know the reason so that I could help my daughter understand my she was not included. I would just shoot her a quick e-mail. Also, I would invite the other kid over for a playdate soon, so she knows that she is still part of the pack.
I'm surprised that no one suggested this yet, but maybe you can talk to your daughter about talking to her friend. Tell her that you've noticed her friend seems sad still about not coming over, find out how your daughter feels about this (maybe she is sad too? then this will help her as well). I'm sure your daughter knows that her grandpa has passed away and that it is sad. Have her go into school and talk to the friend and apologize for not having her over and invite her over for a different play date. It can go something like this:
(Daughter=D, Friend=F)
F: *nods sadly* She SAID that I could come over and then I didn't get to.
F: Oh. (five year olds don't tend to grasp social nuances of expressing sympathy, from what I've witnessed)
F: *smiling* ok! *pause* she won't forget again will she?
F: ok!
She likely doesn't need to know why the one friend WAS invited, but really just feel secure in why she WASN'T. She needs to know that she is still liked and welcome.
This would be more appropriate for a child older than 5. I couldn't prep my kid to deliver that conversation. She'd probably say wait, I'm supposed to say something else and I forget. I have to ask my mom.
J2 11.17.08