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2nd Trimester
AshEliz
member
For those of you with family out of state...
AshEliz
member
I love that we live a good 12 hours away from my family's insanity and I know they think they are pretty much moving in with us for a few weeks before and after the baby is born. I know I need to set boundaries now before feelings get hurt too close to the birth. Did you make family stay at a hotel ( this includes your parents and sibs) or did they stay with you? Did they come to staybefore the baby was born or did you wait to tell them until after you went into labor? Just looking for how others have dealt with this situation. Trying to keep my mothers craziness to a minimum for the sake of my baby!
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Re: For those of you with family out of state...
I went through this,... I made my Dad lay down the rules with my Mom so I didn't have to. Basically they can stay with us for up to a week. We'll call them when I go into labor and they can hop on a plane.
Originally she wanted to show up three weeks before my due date and stay a month after the baby was born... that wasn't happening.
We haven't discussed whether she'll be allowed in the delivery room if she makes it in time... I am hoping she arrives after the birth so its not an issue because I know I'm not going to let her in.
My advice is to know what you are okay with, what is acceptable and lay it out. Its not a discussion.
Luckily my mom and I have a very close and easy going relationship. I told her I would call her when I go into labor and she can start driving down and take care of our dogs until a few hours after I give birth, and then she can come see the baby at the hospital. It will just be her. My dad passed away and her boyfriend won't be coming. My brothers won't be coming. She'll stay with us for 2 weeks and then MIL will be staying with us for a week and may bring her husband. It took a while for DH to explain to her that my mother will be coming to stay with us first. She also still struggles with the fact that she's not allowed in the room for the birth... I doubt DH's will come see us at all. That makes him sad
Everyone else will just have to wait Until we bring the baby home for a visit.
With DS we didn't have anyone come until after he was born. We called to let our parents know that I was in labor and they all packed up and headed our way. They arrived later that night after DS was born and it was perfect. I would not want people to come before. You might not even go into labor until 41-42 weeks, so if they come before you're even due they could end up just hanging around for 2-3 weeks before the baby is even born
We don't have room for everyone in our house and if both families come at once, mine stays with us and DH's stays in a hotel. My family helps out with the baby and things around the house like cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. DH's parents are just guests who occasionally hold a napping baby. I don't want to be catering to them 24/7 while I have a new baby to take care of.
My Mom may come the week before I'm due with this baby so she can be with DS while I'm at the hospital. She doesn't work, DS loves her, and she's a huge help so I don't mind having her here for 3-4 weeks.
med-free birth x2, breastfeeding, baby wearing SAHM
My BFP Chart
Last time around, we called everyone a few hours after DD was born. My mom flew up that day and stayed for a weekend, under the understanding that she would be helping me learn how to care for baby and taking care of some cleaning, laundry, cooking while she was here.
My dad and FIL also came up shortly after DD was born. Because neither of them really helped with anything, they stayed with other people they knew in town. While it was nice for them to come up, I had no room for people who aren't going to help out.
As far as siblings, my sister didn't see DD until she was about 3 months old, my BIL didn't see her until she was a year.
For ppl with families that sound like they'll be around a while or drop everything just to come up - Do they not have jobs? I guess I'm lucky that everyone has a job and they can't really come and stay as long as they want.
My mom has two jobs and has told both that as soon as I go into labor she's leaving and taking 2 weeks off. Both employers are fine with that. MIL works and has told her boss that she will give him 2 weeks noTice for when she will be visiting us for a week (since my mom is staying the first two weeks, this gives her the two weeks notice she needs), and her employer is fine with that as well. Her husband doesn't work.
We havent really discussed the details yet but I will call my parents when I get admitted / go into labor. They are about 5-6 hours away.
Mom will likely be in the hospital room with me and DH. THen depending on if it falls on a weekend, they may stay for a day or so, then go back home for work. During the summer, they may plan to come up for a week or me visit them for a week...but they would stay in a hotel, our house can't fit them...nor would I want to have to worry about company with a newborn!
My family lives 16 hours away and I love it when they come to visit. This will be my mother's 3rd grandchild and I saw how she did with the 1st and 2nd one. She was a great help to my sister and I want that as well. She'll be coming in the week the baby is due b/c we live at the beach and that is my husband's busy season. She'll probably stay w/us a week or so after the baby is born, go home to work a couple weeks, and then will return about several weeks later. My husband actually requested that she come b/c he thinks we can use all the help we can get.
It is good that you are dealing with this now so you have time to talk to your family about your wishes/feelings. It is better to get it out in the open earlier so that folks can "get over it" if their feelings are hurt. If you wait til it is too close to the birth, the feelings may be too fresh, and it will just be a distraction to what is a joyous occasion.
My parents are coming up to stay with my kids while I am at the hospital for a repeat c-section, then they will leave, probably a day or two after I get home.
DH and I both work from home, so my parents are going to give us some time to adjust and then possibly come back for a week when LO is around 4 weeks old. DH's parents are both deceased and our sisters will probaby wait a 6-8-10 weeks to come for a visit.
I prefer to have all my friends, close in proximity family, etc. come visit me in the hospital. I will be there for 3 or 4 days and the more people I can get to make that initial 'see the baby' visit at the hospital, the better. Not that my friends expect to be entertained, etc, but the visits are much shorter and there is no pressure to be a 'hostess' while still in the hospital. Also, since my other two kids are 4 and 6, I don't want all the visitors coming to the house and bringing their big kids for an impromtu playdate.
I am super close with my family. My grandparents will be making their annual trip in March, and they stay at a timeshare they have. Once LO is born, my mom is the only one that can afford to come. My dad said he'd love to come, but it's too much for them.
She will be staying in the office, where there's a futon. I know how my mom does laundry, cleans, etc, and I'm totally OK with that. She will be here at least a month after LO gets here, so I know I will be wanting the extra helping hand by then.
Oh, and she'll only be here for a week, so it's not too much.
I understand how you feel. My MIL might be coming to stay with us for about a month starting before my due date. She will be helpful having had 6 kids of her own but I'm nervous about having her be here for such a long time because there is a language barrier. We can't communicate at all.
How are you and are you hungry, etc are not going to cut it when we are trying to talk about the baby. haha. Plus sharing a house with someone without being able to communicate is stressful.
My niece also wants to come visit in the summer and has grand ideas of me taking her sightseeing in NYC (8hrs away) I will have to shoot those down.
Good luck with your decision!
My family doesn't live nearly as far as yours - DH's 6 hours away, and mine about 3. My mom is the only one coming right after LO is born because my brother is only 9 and will still be in school (early June), so stepdad will have to stay home with him. My mom will probably stay in our guest room, but she's very unintrusive and really will be helpful so I don't mind.
DH is actually graduating with his Bachelor's finally after 9 years about 3 weeks after my EDD, so his parents will probably come up for that (I'm saying probably because his mom has horrible anxiety and can't travel, but keeps insisting that they will come for this - he's the first in his whole family to get a BA or even go to college, so it's a big deal). They'll have to stay with us too cuz I know that they can't afford a hotel (and we'll be fairly strapped for cash, so probably won't be able to pay for them either). Of course, at least by then the baby will be a little older and we'll have had some adjustment time.
I hope that it works out for you! With any luck they'll be more help than a bother.
I am starting to run into the same problem. I live East Coast and the majority of both my husband's and my family live only 8 hours away. Our grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings are already planning when they can come see the baby this coming summer (I'm due in May). I wouldn't mind so much but whenever someone comes to stay, they always assume they can stay at the house with us. Just because I have a guest room, doesn't mean we are okay with people staying with us for a week or more!
I told my mom she could come a couple days before the baby is born, I will be working right up until my due date and with my husband working full time and going to school at night I know I could use the extra help. My problem is my mother-in-law who considers me "one of her daughters." When her daughter had both of her babies (my husband's older sister) his mom flew out and stayed for a month! I find it weird that his mom hasn't actually asked us yet when she can come out...is she just assuming she can come out right when the baby is born? I haven't brought up the subject yet, mostly because I don't know how to bring it up. How do you tell your mother-in-law, "look, it's nice that you want to come out when the baby is born, but we don't want any visitors for a while, and we will let you know when you can come." Sounds kind of mean when I say it out loud. Plus, my mom and mother-in-law don't exactly get a long that well, so both of them in my house at the same time would not be the best situation. How long should I wait before I bring up the subject? Any ideas of how we should go about it?
My family is in town, but my in-laws live 4 hours away. We probably won't call either of them until I'm in active labor at the hospital. Also, no one is staying at our actual home, we've told them they must get a hotel. They can visit during the day if we're up to it, but really, that time is about us and our baby bonding (and trying to catch half a wink of sleep).
It's not a performance and we're not selling tickets. There will be plenty of family bonding time a few weeks later on when we're into more of a routine and know our baby better. We don't feel the least bit bad about this, we just demand zero drama during one of the most important times of our life and this is the only way we know to get it. I swear I'm not being bitchy, we just know our families tendencies too well to leave anything to chance. Good luck, everyone!