do you care if your dh goes out every night?

testtubebaby · January 2012

if this were you would you care? my friend is really upset because her husband works away during the week (and sometimes weekends) so they can go a while without seeing each other. he goes out every night with his coworkers and whoever else to the bars sometimes til late at night. i can see her point because they have a young child she raises with little help from him except financially and he only calls for a couple minutes a day and that's it. who do you think is in the wrong? my dh says it's a guy thing and she shouldn't care but i think she has a valid point. i tend to be a jealous person so that could skew my opinion in this so that's why i'm bringing it here.

CountryMile · January 2012

I would be so upset. DH would never ever do this to me. (he never has) DH loves spending time with me and with our son.

I think it is fine to go out with friends, but not as often as you describe your friends situation.

Kaiterz · January 2012

Is he OOT for work and going out?

LynsiBHM · January 2012

That would be unacceptable in my family, but everyone's different. If she's upset about it they need to have a serious talk. That could be the beginning of further issues.

ToBeMrsT · January 2012

I would care if he was staying out late at bars every night. I wouldn't care if he went out to dinner with the coworkers since he's OOT and would be eating alone otherwise.

Kaiterz · January 2012

amy052006:
Do you mean he goes out every night while he is traveling for work? Provided he wasn't spending us into the poor house at the bar, then no.
Traveling for work can be lonely and tedious. Spending all night in a hotel room sucks. When I traveled I would always go out to eat, catch a game at a bar, whatever.

This is what I was thinking. If MH was OOT, I would not care at all. But I also have a tremendous amount of trust in him. There are girls I know who just can't trust their SO's and a big part of it is jealousy. I am simply not a jealous person and DH has never given me a reason not to trust him.

However, if he was going out nightly at home, that would not fly. I would explain that not only does there need to be family time with him, I need my own time to go out and blow off some steam.

ETA: spelling correction.

MainelyFoolish · January 2012

DH going out with friends every once in a while? Fine. Once a week? I could deal with that if he gave me the same opportunity. Every night? I would be livid. Why on earth should the man get to party every night while the woman stays home working a 14+ hour day? (Because we all know that taking care of a young child is WORK!)

ETA: I read the OP as saying the husband was going out at night rather than coming home. If he's out of town and he's going out instead of sitting alone in a hotel room, my answer changes. I wouldn't really care if he went out while he was OOT as long as he isn't being irresponsible (getting drunk, spending too much money, hitting on other women).

testtubebaby · January 2012

Kaiterz:
Is he OOT for work and going out?

yes, and her husband tells her she's acting crazy because all of his coworker's wives don't care if they do. it's just that as a wife, i would care if my husband was doing this and can't imagine that is the norm.

penguingrrl · January 2012

You say he works "away from home"? I'm assuming that means that he's far enough that he stays in a hotel or small apartment or something during the week due to being too far to commute. That alone would not work for me. We're married and have a family and we should be together, whatever the cost (i.e. short selling an underwater house if necessary, I know that might not be a popular opinion).

That said, if he can't be home anyway and going out isn't affecting his work then I don't see it as a problem. If the choice were to be home with their kids or out with friends that would be a huge problem for me.

PinkPiano · January 2012

testtubebaby:

Kaiterz:
Is he OOT for work and going out?

yes, and her husband tells her she's acting crazy because all of his coworker's wives don't care if they do. it's just that as a wife, i would care if my husband was doing this and can't imagine that is the norm.

If he's OOT, then I think it's fine that he spends time with co-workers in the evenings. BUT, every night/out late/bars/coming home tired from the trip would not fly with me. My dh travels a lot but he's mostly solo and doesn't go out late because he's more interested in working out. When he is with coworkers though, he will go out to socialize and network.

dsmithplus2 · January 2012

I would be upset if my H would rather go out nightly until late hours of the night whie I was at home taking care of LO. Now don't get me wrong, I'd rather be home with LO up all hours of the night, instead of out at bars... But I feel as though its not fair for the H to do this frequently and think its okay. Especially if he barely sees his wife and child! Thats crazy, I would flip if my H did this to me.

And I'm a very jealous person, too Wink

jb2rn · January 2012

I would be more upset with "raising a child pretty much own my own" that you say she does. That is not why we had a baby, so I could take care of it alone, you know?

My husband travels for work from time to time, and I don't mind that he goes out for dinner and drinks (dinner is usually work related, not people he wants to hang out with). Why not? I would do the same if I was travelling for work. I don't expect him to sit alone in a hotel room.

I think there is a bigger issue, that he just doesn't sound like a caring/involved Dad at all. That bothers me MUCH more than having a beer with your friends/colleagues.

PinkPiano · January 2012

penguingrrl:

You say he works "away from home"? I'm assuming that means that he's far enough that he stays in a hotel or small apartment or something during the week due to being too far to commute. That alone would not work for me. We're married and have a family and we should be together, whatever the cost (i.e. short selling an underwater house if necessary, I know that might not be a popular opinion).

That said, if he can't be home anyway and going out isn't affecting his work then I don't see it as a problem. If the choice were to be home with their kids or out with friends that would be a huge problem for me.

He likely doesn't work in the same place every week. My dh covers 3 states for his job and his home office is in a 4th state, so we could not move to be closer to him while he works.

Ryan&Kristin062009 · January 2012

Every night is a LOT. Thats wonderful he contributes financially and for her to stay at home, but he needs to be home and actually be a FATHER. I would think once a week after work is fine, but every night? No way I'd be upset too.

edit:: If he's out of town for work and going out.. that is totally fine! Who wants to stay in a hotel room alone? He should definitely call her though and check in, but otherwise, yeah I personally don't see a problem with that.

ktsnshn · January 2012

When my DH is OOT for work. He goes to dinner or out for a drink most nights. I trust him completely and would not expect that he should just sit in a hotel room by himself for several nights in a row. However, he is not OOT that often and he is extremely hands on when he is home. I do not think I would be able to deal well if my DH traveled more than one week out of the month though, that would be a bigger issue to me than his going out while OOT.

JCM · January 2012

testtubebaby:
Kaiterz:
Is he OOT for work and going out?

yes, and her husband tells her she's acting crazy because all of his coworker's wives don't care if they do. it's just that as a wife, i would care if my husband was doing this and can't imagine that is the norm.

DH work travels for work 3-4 nights every week. When he travels yes, he goes out to dinner & usually the hotel bar with his co-workers/contractors every night. It doesn't bother me one single bit. I trust him 100% & feel that is needed when your DH is gone so much. When he's home he doesn't go out he loves spending time with me & DD. His travel schedule has been the same the entire time we were dating & married so it's just something that's part of our relationship.

If it is a trust issue then that is something the 2 of them need to work on. If she's just upset because he gets to go out and spend time with friends that's an issue too. Would she be happier if he just sat in his hotel room all night long watching TV?

hellopoppyseed · January 2012

My DH was OOT for a month. He had no kitchen in his room and he had a large per diem so he would go out with the guys for dinner. I'm sure they had some beers and sometimes they did other things like see movies and they went to a concert. Also he played a lot of golf. It didn't bother me at all other than being jealous of all of his free time. They must have trust issues going on.

JCM · January 2012

PinkPiano:
penguingrrl:

You say he works "away from home"? I'm assuming that means that he's far enough that he stays in a hotel or small apartment or something during the week due to being too far to commute. That alone would not work for me. We're married and have a family and we should be together, whatever the cost (i.e. short selling an underwater house if necessary, I know that might not be a popular opinion).

That said, if he can't be home anyway and going out isn't affecting his work then I don't see it as a problem. If the choice were to be home with their kids or out with friends that would be a huge problem for me.

He likely doesn't work in the same place every week. My dh covers 3 states for his job and his home office is in a 4th state, so we could not move to be closer to him while he works.

This too! DH works for one of the two major cola bottlers in the world & travels all over the US and sometime beyond. This weeks he was in Phoenix, next week he will be in St. Louis, the the week after Atlanta & then Orlando, if you catch my drift. Moving where his job is impossible since his job is all over the place. We live in Texas because that is were my family is so I have a support system in place since he's gone so much. It would be so much easier on him if we lived where his company's corporate office is but we live here because of me.

nonoemily · January 2012

When J was working for my dad (commercial fishing in Alaska) he went out a lot at night, because there was not much else to do. It bugged me a little, because he has a bad habit of getting WAY too drunk (he's since quit drinking) but he was with my dad, so I knew he wasn't getting into too much trouble. He also bought an xbox and a small TV for his room, so he could do something besides eat burgers and drink whiskey with my dad.

I couldn't handle being by myself for months at a time. I don't know how military wives or women with husbands who travel constantly do it!

Sawyerplus1 · January 2012

testtubebaby:
Kaiterz:
Is he OOT for work and going out?

yes, and her husband tells her she's acting crazy because all of his coworker's wives don't care if they do. it's just that as a wife, i would care if my husband was doing this and can't imagine that is the norm.

As a pp mentioned, working OOT can be lonely and tedious, so, no I wouldn't really care if he went out that frequently with the guys. The things I would care about are the same I'd care about if he worked in town and only went out occasionally (ie. not spending lots of money, not getting drunk, seeing strippers, hitting on women, etc)

penguingrrl · January 2012

Ah, I didn't realize that people would travel so extensively that frequently! That sounds really difficult! If I had to spend every night in a hotel but had colleagues traveling with me I'd be out most nights too, so that changes it entirely. And my guess is that if he's drinking more than she would like (which it does sound like) maybe he's not happy with this much travel either and drinking to cover up missing his family.

JOEBunny · January 2012

Is he going out to bars, or just out to dinner and drinks? When I traveled for work, we went out pretty much every night for dinner and drinks, but seldom past 9 or 10, and we worked until 7 or 8. I don't mind if my DH does that, as long as, he is doing it in a healthy way (not getting slammed or eating like crap, which would run him down and not be healthy).

eaglesfan700 · January 2012

M H travels a lot for work and it just never occurred to me to care if he was going out. In fact, I am pretty sure I encouraged him to go out with his co-workers. Work travel, especially for 2 or more days at a time, can really suck

Dochas · January 2012

testtubebaby:
if this were you would you care? my friend is really upset because her husband works away during the week (and sometimes weekends) so they can go a while without seeing each other. he goes out every night with his coworkers and whoever else to the bars sometimes til late at night. i can see her point because they have a young child she raises with little help from him except financially and he only calls for a couple minutes a day and that's it. who do you think is in the wrong? my dh says it's a guy thing and she shouldn't care but i think she has a valid point. i tend to be a jealous person so that could skew my opinion in this so that's why i'm bringing it here.

This life wouldn't work for me in any way.

JenWhite123 · January 2012

On a regular basis, DH should go out NO MORE than one weeknight every week to hang with friends. Anything more than that is unacceptable.

JoannaJes · January 2012

DH travels alone, and his territory is currently 13 states. For example, this February he will be OOT for 3 out of the 4 weeks.

I wish he had more people to go out with. He has to make do with talking to random bartenders at restaurants night after night. It's not an easy thing to do. I think your friend doesn't trust her husband and is being controlling to compensate.

Andrewsgal · January 2012

I am amazed at how many people either did not read the op or have horrible comprehension skills. DH travels a lot why woul I expect him to sit on his butt in a hotel room every night, she sounds like a peach

pepomntpat · January 2012

Yes, I would be upset. DH should absolutely go out with friends, but not every night. Family time is very important, not to mention that your friend would probably like to go out too sometimes.

Andrewsgal · January 2012

oMG people can you not read? Her DH is not sacrificing family time he is OOT while she is home, even if he did hot go to a bar he would still be in a hotel room not home.

notkateanymore · January 2012

My husband travels a ton for work and every night he is gone he has a dinner with clients/doctors, etc. so we don't have much time to chat. It sucks but it's part of his job, so I can't really complain. He doesn't love it either, so while he might be eating yummy food and drinking great wine, I know he'd rather be home with us!

Now, if you mean he goes out on the nights he's home? Oh hell no, that's our time together!

notkateanymore · January 2012

testtubebaby:
Kaiterz:
Is he OOT for work and going out?

yes, and her husband tells her she's acting crazy because all of his coworker's wives don't care if they do. it's just that as a wife, i would care if my husband was doing this and can't imagine that is the norm.

Going out when you're OOT is the norm if you ask me. What are you going to do? Sit in a small hotel room? Your friend needs to work through her trust issues and unless there is a real reason she doesn't trust him, she just sounds like she doesn't want him to have any fun since she's not.

EnglishMajor03 · January 2012

eaglesfan700:
M H travels a lot for work and it just never occurred to me to care if he was going out. In fact, I am pretty sure I encouraged him to go out with his co-workers. Work travel, especially for 2 or more days at a time, can really suck

This is my opinion....though my H doesn't travel all that often. Who cares.

sawyerthedestroyer · January 2012

When my H goes OOT I encourage him to go out with coworkers instead of sit in the hotel room. Sometimes they go out to dinner, sometimes they go to a bar. He's networking and always meeting new people and you never know when that might have a positive impact on his career. Depending on who else is going out, refusing to join everyone and socialize could reflect poorly on him, make it seem like he's not a team player, etc. As long as I get a phone call to say "Hi, how's the kid? I miss you, blah, blah," I'm happy.

When he's home he's more than welcome to go out occasionally as long as he gives me the same option from time to time. We've never had a problem with him going out every night, but if it did ever become an issue all I'd have to do is tell him it's an issue and he would stop. My H is good like that.

Temp174496125006552 · January 2012

Um, this would never fly in my house...nor would DH ever try it. We always encourage each other to go out with our friends (I am going out tonight, actually), but there has to be a balance.

I think your friend has every right to be upset. She is raising his child on her own, it sounds like. If he wanted to go out every night, he should have stayed single.

ETA: You mean he's going out every night while he's OOT? If that's the case, as long as he's not screwing around, I don't see anything wrong with it. The job that DH had when we met, he had to go to London a few times a year to see their biggest client and it wasn't uncommon for him to go to dinner or to a pub for a drink w/ a co-worker while he was there and I didn't care. I thought you meant he was going out every night when he was home. That I definitely have a problem with. But if he's away, I don't see the big deal.

ToBeMrsT · January 2012

Andrewsgal:
I am amazed at how many people either did not read the op or have horrible comprehension skills. DH travels a lot why woul I expect him to sit on his butt in a hotel room every night, she sounds like a peach

lol :thumbs up:

WhitePicketFence · January 2012

Andrewsgal:
oMG people can you not read? Her DH is not sacrificing family time he is OOT while she is home, even if he did hot go to a bar he would still be in a hotel room not home.

OMG, thank you! Seriously. I had to stop reading the replies.

LynsiBHM · January 2012

To be fair, the OP was vague. "works away from home" could mean that he travels throughout the country or world... OR it could mean he lives in MA but works in NY, so he stays in NY (hotel/apt) for a few nights per week. If that's the case, he should have coworkers/ friends and a somewhat settled life in his "away from home" place. Going out all night every night is not normal in that case. Especially if he rarely even calls to check in and does the same on weekends.

If he's jetsetting and has to eat at restaurants for every meal, then yes- it's more acceptable. But still, i'd need more than a 5 min phone call per day.

You ladies are in rare form today. Have a glass of wine or something!

ijustcantthinkrightnow · January 2012

Yes I would care and be bothered/annoyed/ticked about this.

Once in awhile, yeah fine, but every night instead of being home with his family...not ok.

luvmyducks · January 2012

If he was OOT for work and spent time every night at the bar or wherever with friends/coworkers, I probably wouldn't mind. As long as he wasn't spending a crap ton of $. And as long as he wasn't getting sh!t faced every night.

But I completely trust my DH--he doesn't have a drinking problem and would never cheat on me. He also is a homebody so he would probably prefer hanging out in his hotel room on the internet though

WhitePicketFence · January 2012

scatteredtrees:
LynsiBHM:
You ladies are in rare form today. Have a glass of wine or something!
Or there has been a influx of ignorance lately.

LOL