in-law baby shower drama

Annie234567 · January 2012

My MIL is throwing me a baby shower. In her culture, they specifically do not give baby-related gifts but instead dress up the MTB in special fancy clothes and have a religious ceremony and some cake. It's sort of more like a small wedding than a shower, as I understand it. Since we're in America, based on other family members' showers, I think they might add games or something. Anyway, I'm not entirely sure what to expect, but I figure I'll just wear whatever asks me to (she loves dressing me up like a doll, and I'm fine with not spending hundreds of dollars on an appropriate outfit), smile, and roll with the punches.

My primary concern is that my MIL and her sisters are very competitive, and this often leads them to say rude things to/about each other's daughters-in-law. This generally means we get called fat by our aunts-in-law at major family functions like our engagements, holidays, and weddings and, to be honest, I'm a little concerned if one of them calls me fat to my face when I'm in my 3rd trimester and so much rounder than I've ever been before (and for the first time rounder than them), I'm going to break down and cry. Whether or not someone is actually fat seems to have no bearing on how much they get called fat either. Since MIL lives hundreds of miles from me, this shower will be mostly her sisters and some other older women who are friends of hers who I do not know, and my only friends present will be DH and one or two of his cousins. My entire goal is to get through this function smiling and without giving my aunts-in-law anything to say I did "wrong."

Did anyone call you fat at your shower or while you were pregnant? What did you say/do? Did you deal with any similar family drama? What is something I can think/chant in my head to distract myself and get through this without getting upset? I know that I have to gain weight for my baby to be healthy, and the amount I've gained has been a normal amount -- up until the in-laws started making comments like "wait, you mean your blouses from your wedding don't fit right now?" and "why would you gain weight anywhere other than your stomach?" I actually felt pretty good -- but I find I cry more easily these days, and that is definitely something I want to avoid at this function.

Ivana_Stolichnaya · January 2012

Did anyone call you fat at your shower or while you were pregnant?

- No! And if anyone did I'd tell them to STFU (in different words of course), I don't care what culture you come from....it's rude. You don't call a pregnant woman fat and then pull the 'I come from another culture' card. Eff you and your fat comments. If this is something that you're already aware of, being called fat and what not at these "celebrations" then I would have turned the baby shower down. Who wants to deal with that BS?

acaudill75 · January 2012

I'm inclined to call this MUD, but on the off chance that it isn't, tell MIL that in America, anyone calls a pregnant woman fat can be legally battered in about 45 out of fifty states, so do so at her own risk. Anyone calls me fat doesn't do it a second time.

Annie234567 · January 2012

I knew this ceremony meant a lot to my MIL and the family members who are looking forward to this baby and actually care about me -- and turning it down would have been a lot like refusing to include their culture in my wedding -- which is the reason I'm going. I did have DH mention to his mother that if any of her sisters talk smack about me and I hear it, I will burst into tears and leave (she is very concerned that if I cry while pregnant the baby will die), so she has incentive to talk to them in advance and keep them in check. I appreciate your outrage. It's gratifying to hear a normal person's reaction.

December192009 · January 2012

Bless your heart!!! I pray that these absurd women can act like the mature adults they claim to be. I support cultural differences, but I've never heard about a cultural practice of trashing your sis's dil! I would have no problem explaining to someone that you can appreciate your cultural differences but under no circumstance will you allow some one to belittle you during the happiest time of your life. Let it hang. If anyone continues I would leave and go sit in the car until it's time to go if you have to. No one close to me said I was fat when I was pregnant - just a few stupid idiotic strangers in public lol. This post did make me laugh though- my mil is an extremely classy professional, but if some one said something hurtful to me in her presence I know she would jump down their throats in a heart beat. She's from the hills of Appalachia and although I could never imagine getting into a physical fight- she'd be my first round pick for a partner!

sunnyt154 · January 2012

This sounds like some sort of hazing ceremony!

You should cry in front of them. Maybe it would give them some guidance in being more socially appropriate. I don't care where you are from, calling someone fat is rude.

Annie234567 · January 2012

sunnyt154:
This sounds like some sort of hazing ceremony!

You should cry in front of them. Maybe it would give them some guidance in being more socially appropriate. I don't care where you are from, calling someone fat is rude.

Actually I did cry in front of them once. The first time this happened was at an impromptu engagement ceremony -- I was handed some clothes a stranger had bought for me without ever having seen a photo of me or asking my size. They fit but were a bit snug, to which my least favorite aunt-in-law said, "There's nothing wrong with the clothes. You just need to lose weight." I cried in the bathroom and, as soon as I pulled myself together and came out, they made me pose for photos. It was awful. My MIL yelled at her sister like nobody's business though, and I am confident she would do it again.

I don't think it's necessarily a cultural thing either, though it is common in their culture to throw "fat" around more liberally than we do here. I think it's more of a "being a ***" thing.

preggyamy · January 2012

They can have their culture, but you're entitled to your own as well. So if they say something that in your culture is offensive, let them know! You don't have to adopt their culture and roll with it.

kellymiller409 · January 2012

She is concerned that if you cry, the baby will die? Go with that...make them all think that. They should be so nice to you, you'll cry tears of joy.

addam&tara · January 2012

Another thing I've done when someone makes a comment I don't like, is say it right back to them! I had someone say "My God your thighs and butt have gotten huge!" I turned to them and with a big smile said "I was thinking your butt has gotten big too!"

It usually gets people to understand that just because I'm pregnant doesn't give anyone the right to blatantly insult me.

mommypro · January 2012

Im sorry your inlaws are like that. My own father has atually called me fat lately or made other comments about my weight. I am not a big person either, not that that should matter. I am actually smaller than anyone in my family. Growing up I was always made fun of for being skinny. But now that Im pregnant he seems to think Im fair game for his "jokes". It hurts my feelings but I ingnore him. He even called me fat ass the other day and today made a comment about gaining weight and then loosing it every five years (all my children are five years apart). He thinks he is being funny and it doesnt amuse me. I say dont let them see you cry. To me its kind of like a bully situation, if they see they can get a rise out of you then they will. Good luck.

devious1031 · January 2012

If someone calls you fat tell them to stuff it, and if you're not up to it then your DH should be the one to tell them to stuff it! GL.

HopingForOne · January 2012

If I were in your shoes, I'd try to come up with a witty response ahead of time, so that I was prepared to put them in their place if they dared to be so rude.

Something like "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant, but that's for being so rude as to point out my size. If my roundness is offending you, please feel free to leave".

tiffapotomus · January 2012

If a woman called me fat while i'm pregnant, I would rub her belly while smiling and wait for her to ask me what I am doing (if she didn't immediately get the picture). Then I would say, again while smiling, "I'm trying to feel the baby!"

Netty_3 · January 2012

i'd tell them, "Well, i am pregnant...what's your excuse?"

najzomax · January 2012

I would try to calmly tell them that their comments are hurtful and disrespectful and should keep them to themselves. If they don't have anything nice to say, then they should just refrain from speaking.

It's nice of them to throw you a party but you don't need to be treated that way, pregnant or not! I'd try to take the high road but without letting them get away with it. And if you cry, you can't control that; they can control what they say, and should.

beardce722 · January 2012

Not sure if anyone on here is a Sex In The City fan, but one of my absolute favorite lines/scenes is when some guy in a casino calls Miranda (who just recently had a baby at the time of this episode) and Samantha wips around and says "Well she just had a baby...what's your excuse?!?" I would definitely just be upfront and use this line (or version appropriate) to the person making the comment and leave it at that! If they are that focused on weight, I'm sure they are not comfortable with theirs either, and will see the error in bringing it up in the first place.

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