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Adoption
"When I was in your tummy..." - questions have started
I don't post a ton on this board anymore, but I do peek in every now and then. A little background for those of you who aren't familiar: We finalized Charlotte's adoption in May 2009 after she had come home in August 2008. It's a kinship adoption, where her birth mother is my sister. It was handled through CPS, very similar to a foster to adopt. She was exposed to meth in utero for the entire pregnancy, from which she has had several delays that in the last year she has overcome and is on par with her peers.
Language development and cognition has impressed me with my two children. They are asking so many more questions now. We have always been very open about Charlotte's adoption through books, pictures, and adoption related shows (like Ms. Sunny Patch Friends). We don't dwell on it, just keep things factual.
Cooper was talking about 'when he was a baby in my tummy' and I asked if he wanted to see pictures. So we (me, Charlotte & Cooper) looked at my belly pictures from pregnancy and they laughed because they thought I looked funny. Then Charlotte gets excited and says, 'And when I was in your tummy too! Where are those pictures mommy?'. For a second my heart caught in my throat.
Then I remembered that she doesn't quite understand. Here is what I explained:
"Honey, you were already born when you came home. You grew in another mommy's tummy. Her name is XXX and she is my sister." Charlotte asked 'What that mean?' I said, 'You were inside her tummy. Do you want to see a picture of your birth mommy?' She got excited and said yes, so I took over to the family pictures and showed her several pictures of my sister. Then she moved on.
It was actually easier than I thought, although I'm not sure she quite understands. I'm guessing she will continue to ask more questions though. Just wanted to share since I know some of you might be wondering how these conversations might happen.
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Re: "When I was in your tummy..." - questions have started
Sounds like it went really well. I've found that even with M, who remembers living with his mother and some scary times, talking about his past has been much easier than I ever anticipated. Once he realized that it didn't get a negative reaction from us and that we really were open to discussing all his memories (and some past that we know that he doesn't remember), it's just all been matter-of-fact tidbits thrown intro regular conversation whenever they come up. We also talk about some heavier issues in therapy, but either way, it has all been much easier than I feared.
I also wanted to say that that picture of your two little darlings in your siggy is just precious! It truly captures the season's magic.
From the mouths of babes...
It sounds like you handled it perfectly. DD isn't near that point yet, but I can imagine it coming up. Thanks for your perspective on how it may go down.
sounds like it went well!
my ds has said things like that. "aida too mommy, she grew in your belly too!" for some reason the first time he said that my heart broke a little. i cant even really explain why. i can imagine it will be even harder when aida starts asking. i just never want her to feel different. but in some ways she is, at least from her brother's story.
I had the same feeling a while back when questions very first started. I don't remember what was said specifically, but it made by heart hurt. And definitely when she first said, 'And I was in your belly too!'. I don't see her as different and I don't want her to feel different in that way. It probably not realistic to say she won't feel different, but I guess I just have a desire to protect her from ever feeling like she isn't loved.
The one thing I've realized though is that for her it's not complicated. It's just matter of fact. She seemed perfectly content about the answers I told her. It truly amazes me!