Hello all,
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and recently started talking about having children. He was ready to start trying, but I was a little hesitant and felt like I wanted to wait another year. We decided to switch over to condoms as our primary method of birth control and I stopped taking my pill. Well I recently found out I was pregnant and I was pretty shocked even though I know condoms aren't 100% effective.
Here is where I really need help though. My husband admitted the other night that he had been tampering with the condoms in order to get me pregnant. I am so hurt and shocked and feel betrayed! How could he do that to me? We are supposed to be a partnership and make these decisions together, but he thought that if I got pregnant now I would realize that I really didn't want to wait that year. I honestly don't know what to do. I am living in the guest room right now because I can't stand to be near him.
What would you do? Any advice is appreciated.
Re: Help and advice needed
I agree are you going to able to accept what he did? Or will you constantly be resenting him and/or the baby?
I in no way agree with his tactics, I think a baby needs to be a joint decision - especially if you are the one having to carry a baby. But I don't necessarily think your husband did it to be mean or hurt you.
Biggest thing though is the communication and trust that has been destroyed - counseling may help, maybe he'll learn his lesson but I'm sure it'll take time.
Sorry and gl.
Speaking professionally (I'm a marriage and family therapist), I would highly recommend you both go in to see a therapist together. Based on your statements alone, you have been manipulated and deceived by your husband. This is absolutely not something that should be easily discarded or swept under the rug.
I know nothing of your back story or your history as a couple but if this is a pattern of his (lying, manipulation, etc), then there is high chance he will continue these behaviors if they are not addressed and worked on as a couple. It might even be helpful for him to have individual therapy in addition to marital therapy.
GL to you and your DH. I hope you are both able to work this out.
~Sweet Girl *8/18/08* c-section ~ Sweet Boy *12/2/10* VBAC ~ Sweet Boy *8/14/12* VBAC~
VBAC Birth Story 2VBAC Birth Story
Thanks. He might not admit it, but I know the reason he did this because I had an affair last year that resulted in a pregnancy. He may say he has forgiven me, but I know he is doing this as a way to spite me.
The two of you should definitely seek marriage counseling. This incident will most likely lead to serious resentment, deep trust issues, and conflict if it's not handled appropriately. Assuming you choose to have/keep this child, those are issues that will only get even worse and compromise your ability to parent effectively together, and compromise your child's sense of security and safety in his/her family.
This by no means has to be a fatal blow to your marriage. By working hard on your communication, trust, values and goal setting, etc. I'm positive you guys can overcome this in a way that puts you on a more solid ground than ever before. But, your DH is going to have to come to understand what he did and why, and work hard to overcome his own issues. A quality marriage counselor should be able to help.
Mama's Clone - 07/18/12
1. This sounds like MUD
2. If not, get yourselves to counseling stat. Deception and an affair do not seem like a fortuitous start to a new baby's life...
Soooo......what happened to that baby??
This is precisely what I was referring to when I said, "I know nothing of your back story or your history as a couple..." If your statements are true, then you have a choice to make: Either get counseling/professional help, or get out of the relationship.
~Sweet Girl *8/18/08* c-section ~ Sweet Boy *12/2/10* VBAC ~ Sweet Boy *8/14/12* VBAC~
VBAC Birth Story 2VBAC Birth Story
Good question
I had an abortion then too. My husband said he couldn't raise a child that wasn't his.
I wish it were bs. People make mistakes and I really didn't realize that he was so upset about it still.
Having an affair causes serious damage to the betrayed spouse. The effects of that can last a very, very long time -- especially if the situation is not handled properly.
I'd suggest you both read "Not 'Just Friends'" by Dr. Shirley Glass. And I'd also recommend you both get joint and individual counseling. Both your affair and his deception are issues that need to be resolved carefully and fully, or they will continue to have damaging effects on each of you and your marriage (and even future relationships, if you split up).
Mama's Clone - 07/18/12
BFP 1/18/11, EDD 10/1/11. Born at 37w5d on 9/15/11.
***BFP Chart***
"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.
I agree 100%
yup
2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!, DS is now 3.5yrs!
TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP! DD is 1.5 yrs!
Surprise! 12/16/14 BFP, loss #2 12/31/14
I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
I believed your story until you added this.
now I call mud
"What did my fingers do before they held you? What did my heart do with it's love?"
and in the event that its actually true.. I agree with pretty much all of this. WHY the would your H think that causing you to get pregnant would be some way of getting back at you?!? now a poor child is going to be brought up in a screwed up household and was never REALLY wanted (for the right reasons) in the first place
"What did my fingers do before they held you? What did my heart do with it's love?"
If anything, she strengthens my pro-choice stance.
She -doesn't- need children.
Oddly enough, it brings out my "pro-life" side. Just the fact that she would take a baby's life because she and her husband are idiots, its beyond comprehension. As someone who waited 7 years for a baby to come along, I'm sure there's a mommy-in-waiting on the TTC board who would be more than happy to give this baby a better home than this screwed up OP would.
My stance remains the same.. pro choice
but this woman seems to be using abortion as birth control and that is something I don't agree with
"What did my fingers do before they held you? What did my heart do with it's love?"
honestly, I don't have a good reason. just doesn't seem right to me.
and I don't understand why abortion in general matters to anyone.. not their uterus. not their baby. but it still does
"What did my fingers do before they held you? What did my heart do with it's love?"
I kind of agree with both arguments. I'm extremely pro-choice, however, I think it's irresponsible to use abortions as birth control instead of, well, birth control.
That said, it's a woman's choice as to what she does with her own body and, like robinsokj said, really none of my business.
June/July 2011 - IVF #1 - Transfer cancelled due to OHSS
23 perfect embryos. All 23 made it to freezing!
September/October - FET #1 - October 12th - 2 Grade A embies
October 20th - BFP??! EDD - July 1, 2012
Beta #1 = 154, Beta #2 = 352 Beta #3 = 3,800
U/S #2 - November 14th = 133 bpm! U/S #3 & 4 - November 30th and December 7th = 163 bpm! U/S#5 - January 30th - TEAM PINK!!!
Baby Sweets born on her due date!
I completely agree.
"What did my fingers do before they held you? What did my heart do with it's love?"