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Stay at Home Moms
Liz342
member
*FFFC*
Liz342
member
This discussion has been closed.
Re: *FFFC*
Lately when one of the kids wakes up in the morning or from their nap (DH is on vacation this week)- I say to him "did you hear that? was that DD/DS?" even when I know that it was them waking up! Eventually he will go get them.
I justify this by remembering the months and months that I had to get up in the middle of the night to BF.
DH will forever owe me in my mind.
Flame-free, yes?
It really gets under my skin to see posts like the "Vent" post below. It angers and saddens me that some women who are able to SAH put up with a crap-ton of shiit from their H's and not have the stones to stand up for themselves and then wonder why they get walked all over. As most of us are aware, the SAH gig is a partnership. Sure we do the bulk of things around the house but I can guaran-damn-tee you that DH would never say "hey, the upstairs needs cleaned". DH is smart enough to know that if he sees something that needs done he can pitch in and do it himself. And he does.
I just want to shake these women and wake them up and tell them they deserve better than being a grown man's mommy. Help them realize that they aren't slaves just because their H is bringing home a physical paycheck and that what the W does is just as important and that she deserves respect, too. She's not just the hired help.
LOL, right?!? I started Atkins a couple of weeks before Christmas and then I started baking cookies and I was like "who the hell am I kidding???" January 2nd I'll be back on Atkins, though. I feel like crap but all the goodies are just soooo good!!
Sometimes its not that easy, although I dont complain on here about H and our issues surrounding this, but he has always been spoiled (although spoiled makes him sound cute which isnt the case). I accepted his behavior when we were dating, his not eating for the 12 hour shifts I worked and ending up with a hunger headache, waiting on me to come back and make him something/drive through a drive thru. His "inability" to do anything around the house, such as take his own plate to the sink etc. I put up with it, married him knowing it, prob b/c I had been overweight my entire life and my self esteem was nil, and he was my first everything... I just accepted it all. Even when he quit work to stay home 5 years ago, I worked full time and would come home and do ALL house work, take care of our guys, etc. I accepted it b/c its not as if I can change a man who's almost 40 years old and never been made to do anything. So, what do you do? I'm not going to leave him, and he knows that... is it worth a constant battle to get him to do every little thing that I want him to do? Its so much easier to just do it. Even when he complains about the house being messy (neither of us is working currently) its easier to just ignore it/clean when I feel like it than to fight over it.
So while I don't normally complain on here about it, it sucks but what do you do? I've told him and told him that it had to stop... but, other than leaving there aren't a lot of options. Okay, that got long... sorry.
I have an irrational hatred of Playdoh. The kids love it and I get it for them, but it drives me crazy to see within seconds of opening it, two colors are completely mashed together, the crumbs all over the floor or they kneeled on it and it is on their clothes. Ugh, I do not know why this makes me so nuts. Oh and getting it all out of the contraptions you put it in to make shapes!
I know if you leave it to harden it is a billion times easier to clean up. I know that is is so cheap and that they don't even care if the colors are combined.
I have zero issues with other messy things - paint, markers, glue, mud, dirt etc. I do not know why Playdoh makes me so crazy. Maybe because they put these completely unattainable pics on the boxes of all the perfect, cool things these kids "made"? I don't know, but I hate it and can't even watch them play with it
DS 3.12.08
DD 7.11.09
DD 8.01.13
If I have learned anything from the ladies on this board it's THIS.
I don't mind doing "everything" during the weekdays, but I quit waiting on him hand and foot on his days off. Working 12 hours a day is hard, and I have no problem making him dinner, but I'm not gonna make you a sandwich on Sunday when all you've done is read your permaculture blogs for four hours.
Hope2Have, what exactly does your H do all day?
I admit I am completely floored by this and could never ever live that way. Do you really want your daughter to grow up seeing you treated that way?
DS 3.12.08
DD 7.11.09
DD 8.01.13
The bolded made me LOL. Um, shouldn't Darwin take over at some point?
The rest of it? Well, you knew what you were getting into and got married anyway. And no, you shouldn't have to "change a man" - he's got to want to change for himself and maybe to show you he's capable of the most basic of human functions such as feeding himself when he's hungry. He's selfish and lazy and he knows you will "never leave him" so he's got all the leeway in the world.
Which brings me to a second FFFC - I think having divorce "on the table" is a good thing. People who "know" their spouse will never leave, "know" this is a result of little self-respect and low self-esteem and will continue the cycle of keeping their partner down. DH knows that if I didn't feel respected, appreciated and valued then I see no point in being married. Its not a threat, those are just as basic a love and trust, in my book. And it goes both ways. I'm not saying I wouldn't work to fix the problems, of course, but if its unfixable, I'll be damned if I will stay in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship.
Which brings me to a third FFFC - Setting an example for DS for what a healthy relationship looks and feels like is so very important to me. Our children learn what is healthy and normal from us - we are their first and most important teachers. I fully plan on DS being able to cook, clean, do his own laundry etc. I want him to be completely self-sufficient so that when he's looking to settle down, he doesn't choose someone just because she can be his mommy-substitute. I want him to have a fully-engaged, true partner - in all things.
This.
And since your H has been home, Hope, you've complained about it. A lot. I don't point it out to say anything other than it's just too bad. Do you feel like now you are married your self esteem has improved? Not that this is any of my business, so tell me to butt out if you want.
my fffc is something that I've thought about posting for a while.
It was recently confirmed that my cousin has bulimia. We obviously knew there was an issue, it was just a matter of which issue she was not-so-successfully dealing with. Anyway, this cousin and I used to be close...like since childhood up until Parker was born and she moved away.
The thing is I feel guilty about a few things in regards to this:
1- Although I know some of her issues are nature, I'm banking on almost 80% of it being nurture. I blame three specific family members and it keeps me up at night wondering if they feel any responsibility or remorse about it. The guilt part- I'm extremely close to these three family members and I am struggling with how they could have been so terrible to her and fine to me.
2- I had a wonderful family life and a mother who never focused on dieting or self image in a damaging way and I feel guilty that I had that experience and my cousin didn't.
3- We were so close I can't believe I sort of "missed" this. Granted when she moved away the situation got dire and I was dealing with a SN child so things weren't necessarily in my control.
Nonetheless. I've been feeling really guilty. And if anyone has any information to share I'd love to hear it.
Agreed. And, do you want your DD to think that this is what a healthy relationship is like?
It sounds like you knew what you were getting into and married him anyway. I don't agree with that, but hey, he's not my husband. However, for your daughter's sake, I hope you can achieve some kind of balance and mutual respect in your marriage....because otherwise, this is what she will think marriage is and will most likely wind up with someone who treats her the way your husband treats you.
I lurk here but I just wanted to recommend family counseling. You can usually get if for a sliding fee through a county agency. And even if he won't go - you could go yourself and get some support/input. ((Hugs))
Baby is breech and while I know she has plenty of time to flip, I am seriously stressed out since I am planning on having this one at home like her sister. I am doing everything I can to get her to flip (chiropractor, acupuncture, inverted ironing board trick) so the outlook is good, but I am still nervous.
I hope you don't feel like we are ganging up on you, H2H, but I totally agree that you should start seeing someone to talk about your relationship with your H. His behavior is not normal and I think you deserve better. You're right that you can't change him, but you can change the way you react to him and have a more positive influence on your daughter's life. You deserve to be treated with respect and it doesn't sound like he respects you.
I believe that you have more options than just leaving him. Things will only get better for you personally and in your relationship also if you commit to making changes in your life.
Here is my FFFC. Hope, you have mentioned that your DH does not really help with your DD and you have mentioned all this before on here. I'll be honest that I don't think your DH respects you at all and that is a BIG issue in my eyes. I agree with PP who said that it sets a bad example for your DD as well. But most of all I want to give you a hug because your self esteem must still be low and I hope you realize that your DH is selfish. I mean really...he can't make himself a sandwich? My DH did not know how to do much when we got together and he learned! He cooks, he washes dishes, and he DEFINITELY helps care for DS. All that stuff can be learned and if he truly loved you in the way that a true MAN (not boy) loves his WIFE (not girl friend) then he would want to help you. And if he really loved being a dad then he would be right there helping with your DD. It seems so odd that and sad to me that you don't see that he is using you and I hope you get counseling because a marriage is a partnership. Also someone being your first everything is not what makes for a healthy marriage. Staying with someone out of habit is not love, at least the love that a marriage is made from.
This whole thing is actually why I had to stop being friends with somebody...she could never stand up for herself and I started resenting her husband for her!
Why wouldn't you leave? He doesn't seem to respect you or your wishes and treats you like his personal servant. If my husband acted like that, the first stop would be counseling and then after that if something didn't change I would leave. My husband and I are partners in life and that means in the house too. It's not always easy, but you are worth more than being treated like a slave. Also, what in the world is sexy about being married to a big spoiled man child?
Here's my confession: I have to go visit my (paternal) grandmother, who is sick with pneumonia, this afternoon and I am dreading it. It makes me feel like a bad person, but I hate being around her, and I don't want to be near someone who is sick in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. My mom and I are going together, so at least I have some back up if she gets really shittty with me.
My maternal grandma passed away on Christmas Eve. She had a long, hard battle with cancer and had been very sick for a long time. Everyone had a chance to say goodbye to her and, honestly, her death was nothing if not a relief to us all. She suffered every single day, was no longer aware of her surroundings, and barely able to communicate. Her passing was very peaceful.
I have only one surviving grandparent now. She is pissed at me for not attending my aunt's Christmas dinner (I posted about this a few weeks ago...) and I feel like she's going to confront me about a disagreement we had on the phone a week ago. I try to be really patient with her, but she has a temper and can be really rude. Now she's going to be sick, all jacked up on prednisone, and all-woe-is-me. I feel like I'm climbing into a cage with a snake.
on my phone on the road, forgive the mistakes... I really didn't realize that I complained about him often and hate that I have, like everyone doesn't have anything better to do than read about my lazy husband. he is actually better than he used to be, especially since we are home together. so far I haven't did one ounce of house work without giving him a list of what needs to be done, he has did more in the last 2 weeks than in the last 2 years. I just refuse to clean around him... won't do it. I admit that I knew how he was before we got married and did so anyway bc I wanted to be married and have kids so bad and afraid it wouldn't happen if I didn't "take what I had". that being said, I Do love him even if I know I deserve better. but, I have zero desire to start over, the prospect of dating is much worse than the prospect of staying with him. my life over all is great, my friends and mom and sister are amazing and we are together a ton... I just have a horribly lazy husband... I really feel like it could be much worse. we have a great family, house, baby, church, everything is going our way... he is just really not motivated. and as far as Hadley goes, I know its important for her to see a functional and healthy marriage and will do my best to get it more so in the near future, last thing I want to do is do anything at all to give her a negative perception about how she should be treated.
I still feel really bad that I have complained so much about him... argh, I know I stay on here too much, and I have a notoriously big mouth.
thanks for all the support, I am going to make it a priority.
J does this and it drives me nuts! I can't stand listening to the bigoted crap they spew. He also really likes listening to right-wing talk radio and it drives me up the wall. If I sat in traffic on the freeway listening to that junk my blood would start to boil. I don't know how he does it.
I guess I take things too seriously.
If there is truly an issue, don't apologize for complaining about him. Sometimes it takes an "outside" view to see something that you may not notice or realize that things could be better.
My ex (DD#1's dad) was a momma's boy. I knew that when I married him but to be fair, we married because we had DD#1. Not that I didn't love him but the fact that the sight of my engagement ring - the day after he proposed - gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach should have been a HUGE red flag. Frankly, I was vigilant about birth control because the thought of having another child with him terrified me and made me sad. DD#1 was already picking up on our problems at the age of 4, I couldn't imagine having another. For me, asking, "Is this it?" drove me to leave. Oh, and there was the matter of his enormous crush on my best friend (and MOH at our wedding). Bigger picture though, it was his issues and the inability to be a partner to me.
Our situations aren't the same but you should know that it can and should be better. Whether your DH shapes up or you decide that your happiness matters too. I believe that people can change, but they have to want to. With your little one and the guys who live with you, you have enough on your plate. Don't be afraid to crack a whip once in a while. Stand up for yourself. Get a little mad. No one is saying you have to go full drill sergeant on him but perhaps a little "This is the way it's going to be from now on" wouldn't be a bad thing. Maybe he needs the little kick in the pants and he's just waiting for it?
Whichever you decide, still feel free to vent about it here. I know I needed that to figure out what I needed to do in my last marriage.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
I always thought it was kind of rude/bad form to buy toys that make noise of any kind for a child that isn't yours. Just as a courtesy to the parents, I try to chose things that are silent.
Its OK to complain when you have valid complaints, which you DO have.
I think the majority of us on this board think you're fantastic and want to see you fulfilled and happy and beyond that, respected and valued.
I really think you could benefit from individual counseling to see why you're willing to accept "what you had". You are such a sweet and giving person and that is wonderful, but I think its opening you up to being taken advantage of.
I also think you and your H could benefit from couples counseling. You need a "safe place" to express your concerns about his laziness and how that translate into a lack of respect, not only for you, but for himself as well. He should be proud to help you - this is his home and his family, too.
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
I completely know how you feel! MIL always talks about how fair she makes Xmas. Last year she bought huge ticket items for H, his sis, and BIL. I don't want a darn thing from her, I got basically crap compared to them. That's fine! But don't talk about how you make things fair and about what a fabulous MIL you are compared to your daughter's! You're not. You are just like her!
I've been doing this for 2 years and don't plan on stopping. It's AWESOME! I'm finally taking care of me.......
I mean this with complete sincerity, so I hope this does not come across as snarky. You say you've talked to him about it, but there's nothing else you can do. Then maybe you should try counseling. If this is a big issue in your marriage, then it would be worth trying. Don't write it off thinking it won't make a difference.
Good for you! This is a great resolution. I need to do the same.
I love this! I do these things too! It fuels my fire, I guess.
Don't feel bad about venting about DH on here, it is a good place for it . Honestly you have reason to vent. I'm just confused, you are saying that you stay with DH because other parts of your life are good and because you don't want to start over? That is sad. I'll be honest that i am not religious BUT I have read the story about your adoption of your DD and I will say THAT happened for a reason. I mean really she fell into your lap basically. She was meant to be yours it seems. I don't say that lightly. You probably thought you could not have a child and guess what, you got one! Maybe you did not get her in the original way you planned but she is just as much your daughter as my son is my son! I say this because it is now your job to make yourself all you can be for her. I also say it because sometimes you don't find love where you thought you would just like you found your beautiful DD in a surprising way. Seriously don't stay with someone because you don't want to rock the boat. Sure DH and I fight, I can promise you that every single one of us on here have spats with our DH's. BUT the way you just described your situation basically says that you are sticking with him because you don't want to rock the boat. Sure other parts of your life are great but really how much longer will they be great if you are not truly head over heels for your DH? I'm not saying you have to get a divorce right now, I'm just saying you need to go to counseling for your self esteem (because you DESERVE to feel like you deserve more) and you should go to marriage counseling in order to see if you can make your marriage one of the happiest parts of your life! And in the end if you can't then who says you have to date and work on finding someone else right away?
I told DH in our vows that I promise to NEVER be with him because I felt I had to, but to be with him because I did not want to live my life without him. In other words I WANT my DH in my life, but if he suddenly was not the man I fell in love with and he and I could not fix it then I would not stay with him out of desperation. To me that says it all, that I CHOOSE him because he is truly the man I WANT to lay in bed next to when we have gray hair, but I am strong enough to stand on my own...and YET I choose to stand with him. I'm not going to stand by someone who I am just "ehh he's ok...whatever" about.
You can ALWAYS vent here. We all want you happy because even though we don't "know you" we have heard your story and want it to have a true happy ending!
My NY resolution for the 3rd year in a row is Do More Fun Things...it rocks as a resolution.
It was thought up by my BIL a couple of years ago and is the perfect one for me.