How do you handle the judgement?

Sharon21 · December 2011

DH and I are pretty strict in our parenting styles. The main reason we are so strict is because DD#1 has Aspergers syndrome and NEEDS structure and routine. If you read anything having to do with Aspergers that is the thing that is emphasized the most, routine, routine, routine.

My parents have a very relaxed parenting style so in their eyes we are way too strict. I really couldn't care less if they think we are too strict because I know that we are doing what is best for DD by being that way. What bothers me is when they give us dirty looks or make snarky comments when we have to reprimand DD. And the best is when I tell DD no about something and mom then tells her yes so not only do I get to look like the bad guy for telling DD no but then I also get to look like a biatch for reprimanding my mother.

Here is an example from their visit on Christmas. We were opening gifts and we each take turns opening one at a time so everyone can see what each other got. It is nice to be able to see the reaction when you spend a lot of time and thought getting a gift for someone. Anyway, DD was getting impatient for her turn and she was trying to interrupter (something she really struggles with and we have to work on a lot) someone else so that she could open hers. I turned to her and told her she needed to be quiet and wait her turn (she is nine so is capable). My mother was sitting right next to us. Not even two seconds later I hear my mom tell her she can "go ahead and open the present". My response "Umm NO! I just told her NO! Do not tell her she can do something that I just told her not to!" So then my mom is mad that she didn't get her way and both my dad and my sister are giving me dirty looks for being mean to my mom. And to top it off my DH is mad at mom for trying to undermine me.

My family lives 9 hours away and seem to think that we should just let all the rules slide when they are around. They don't seem to understand that if we let rules slide for the four days they are in town we will be trying to re-establish them for MONTHS. How would you deal with this? Should I ease up? I want to call my family out on the comments and dirty looks but I don't want to come off as even more or a biatch. Should I just not say anything and try to ignore their reactions? WWYD?

Stacyc625 · December 2011

Personally you need to follow your gut on this one. And I know you know what it is saying already.

I know a lot about Aspergers- and you are right- routine, consistency and schedules are very important.

Personally if I were you- I would just mention it to your mom and let her know how it made you feel- and that you didn't appreciate being underminded.

MAprincess · December 2011

I deal with this with my parents sometimes, though it has gotten better. I would have handled it the same way- you can't let someone undermine you as the parent when you have just enforced a rule like that. Unacceptable. The dirty looks from everyone were unwarranted as she was the one who was out of line.

I'd suggest talking to her alone sometime. Explaining that you don't want to have awkward confrontations like that but she needs to understand that you are the parent here and your rules apply. She will just have to deal.

For me, it has gotten to the point that my mother doesn't undermine me per se, but she does a lot of "Sorry, Mommy says you can't have/do that" rather than just saying no.

Good luck to you- sorry you had to deal with that on Christmas.

ljanette85 · December 2011

I would sit down with your family and have a serious discussion about how important it is for your child to have structure and discipline. Bring some articles for them to read about children with aspergers so they can see that you didnt just make this up. really stress that you need consistency and that its important for family members to help out. They can dish out all of the snotty looks and comments that they want but at the end of the day you are the parent! good luck

Daisy77 · December 2011

DD#1 is 15 and has Aspergers. Over the years we have really had to ingrain it in the brains of our family members when they have an issue with our discipline. It's tough as I always tell DD#1 not to use her Aspergers as an excuse (saying, "Well, I didn't get that done because I have Aspergers"). Yet I need to firmly and repeatedly tell people that she does things or needs things a certain way because of it. She can't stand being in a room with a lot of conversations at once so she'll either leave the room or put in her ear buds (Ipod) if she's not talking to anyone. People use to think she was being rude when really she was calming herself and addressing the situation. Now they know. It took a while but they get it now, mostly because she's more "there" and around when she can take some time to decompress. Holiday gatherings can be overwhelming for her and if people want to see her, they need to understand and take us seriously when we explain how routine helps her vs us catering to her her "wants".

My BIL's wife is an occupational therapist and would frequently tell me how DD "should" be or what she "should" do. Confused I know she was trying to help but DD is MY kid. I'm with her 24/7, not SIL. What works for some kids with Aspergers doesn't work for DD.

Once upon a time, DD shared a link on FB that gave excellent (yet kind of funny cartoon like) examples of how her Aspergers affects her. I shared it as well. It was cute, easy to read and her friends/family could finally see how she sees things. I think that really helped as well.

Dr.Loretta · December 2011

My big question is, have you addressed the Aspergers as the reasoning behind how you handle your DD? Because they're so far away they may not realize what's needed for your daughter's care, and they don't see the routine as part of her therapy, so to speak.

For your average child, letting the rules slide is perfectly fine, and seen as more of picking your battles. So I can see their side of it, if they're thinking of your daughter as the average child.

IMO you need to speak up that this is part of working with her Aspergers. You can very easily do that without being dramatic, confrontational, or b!tchy. And you may have to explain it over and over until they figure it out.

GL

NYmama2 · December 2011

I know how you feel. I get the impression that my ILs talk about us when we leave and how strict we are with our kids. My biggest problem with family is when my child does something wrong and gets in trouble and both my mil and my mother always want to comfort them. It's so frustrating. I have to speak up and tell them that it's not their place to comfort my child. You don't reward a child with hugs and kisses after they have done something wrong.

Grandparents always want to step in and be the hero and have the kids love them and I get that but I refuse to let it happen when it interferes with my parenting. I feel like I have to remind them that they had their turns to parent now it's our turn.

I woul definitely sit down and talk to them. Instead of snapping at your mom (or at least that is probably how they are seeing it) I would like the pp's said, sit them all down and explain it to them. If they don't understand than go back to ignoring them. You know your child best and they can suck it!!

susanmosley · December 2011

Just my thoughts.... If you and your DH have a plan that you feel best about, and think it is best for your DD, then by all means stick to it and when not in the heat of the moment, share your rationale with your family. After that, there isnt much you can do except for model what you like and have thick skin. BUT...I think the scenario you describe is pretty common and with a neurotypical kid, not that big of a deal. My mom lovingly overrides me sometimes in similar situations. She isn't being bossy or controlling, she is just offering a different idea. And I let her override sometimes. She isn't undermining me. It happened yesterday - DD was wanting to open gifts, I said it wasn't time, grandma swooped in with an interim gift. And we openly comment about it...I.e. "well, gigi said so....". I mean, it isn't that big of a deal. And there is no harm IMO in DD seeing this, witnessing it and learning how to navigate different people and different situations differently. That is real life and a very worthwhile tool and skill. Sure routine and structure and predictability is good for kids with aspergers. And that is mostly because it is easy for them to "get" - not sure that makes it the best though. Navigating these situations you describe could be great opportunities to develop higher level cognitive and executive functioning skills that are often diifficult for people with aspergers. Just my thoughts. Real life is full of scenarios you describe. I think a child with aspergers is better off learning how to roll with all of life's exceptions than being dependant on consistency, sameness, and predictability. Again, JMO - I'm fine (and used to) being wrong

pinacolodas · December 2011

I agree with all the pp. Explain why you have a routine in place and why it is so important. Do you mind me asking at what age your DD was diagnosed? DD is having an eval don in January but she is not even 3 yet (lots of behaviors already point ot her being on the scale). DH was diagnosed with aspergers last year. My family doesn't get it. They think it is a made up thing. Ugh, drives me crazy and I know if DD gets a diagnosis, well, who knows?

MAprincess · December 2011

susanmosley:
Just my thoughts.... If you and your DH have a plan that you feel best about, and think it is best for your DD, then by all means stick to it and when not in the heat of the moment, share your rationale with your family. After that, there isnt much you can do except for model what you like and have thick skin. BUT...I think the scenario you describe is pretty common and with a neurotypical kid, not that big of a deal. My mom lovingly overrides me sometimes in similar situations. She isn't being bossy or controlling, she is just offering a different idea. And I let her override sometimes. She isn't undermining me. It happened yesterday - DD was wanting to open gifts, I said it wasn't time, grandma swooped in with an interim gift. And we openly comment about it...I.e. "well, gigi said so....". I mean, it isn't that big of a deal. And there is no harm IMO in DD seeing this, witnessing it and learning how to navigate different people and different situations differently. That is real life and a very worthwhile tool and skill. Sure routine and structure and predictability is good for kids with aspergers. And that is mostly because it is easy for them to "get" - not sure that makes it the best though. Navigating these situations you describe could be great opportunities to develop higher level cognitive and executive functioning skills that are often diifficult for people with aspergers. Just my thoughts. Real life is full of scenarios you describe. I think a child with aspergers is better off learning how to roll with all of life's exceptions than being dependant on consistency, sameness, and predictability. Again, JMO - I'm fine (and used to) being wrong

I disagree that with a neurotypical child that this isn't an issue. In her case, she told her child she could not open a specific gift and her mom followed up with telling her that she could. Regardless of the child, immediately undermining the parent like that does have long term repercussions. My friend is a child psychiatrist and she said that this generation has this problem worse than any other generation and it does take a toll on the development of the child as well as the parent/child relationship. One incident? No. But I personally would not make it a habit to allow my mother to override me directly to my child.

In this case, her mother wasn't offering another "idea"-- she said no, her mother said yes- it was a complete contradiction. Offering another idea would be if I said, "we are going to the zoo" and my mother said, "How about the museum instead". Different situation.

susanmosley · December 2011

I hear you MA, but I can't imagine that grandmothers didn't override parents in past generations nor that this ranks in the top 10 in the list of "what's wrong with this generation." I agree with you that my statement is faulty - so let me clarify - it isn't a big deal in many families yet it is in some. And that has nothing to do with neurotypical or not. In my situation, I just know that my mom isn't being harmful or negative towards me or my parenting or disrespectful. She's trying to help.....and often does.

Mrs.Hizzo · December 2011

Things like this have always irritated me. It's just the principle of the thing. I try not to be freaky and controlling about my kids, but there are certain standards I set in regards to their diet/behavior/whatever, and whether other people agree with them or not really doesn't matter to me. They're my kids. My kids, my rules. And I don't let other people override me in their presence, because a) it's disrespectful to me and b) I don't want my kids getting a mom-said-no-so-I'll-ask-grandma thing going on.

Sharon21 · December 2011

Sorry for the post and run, I got really busy yesterday. Thanks for all the responses! I am glad to know that others feel the same way I do about the situation. I just don't like to call my mom out because I know she is not trying to be malicious just trying to make DD happy. She just doesn't see that giving in to her now may make her happy temporarily but be a lot harder for her in the long run.

I am going to have a talk with them before we see them again and explain why I am such a stickler for following the rules. Maybe I will say something about wanting our get togethers to be more enjoyable for everyone. And I like the idea of giving them some articles to read about Aspergers. Thanks everybody!

Sharon21 · December 2011

pinacolodas:
I agree with all the pp. Explain why you have a routine in place and why it is so important. Do you mind me asking at what age your DD was diagnosed? DD is having an eval don in January but she is not even 3 yet (lots of behaviors already point ot her being on the scale). DH was diagnosed with aspergers last year. My family doesn't get it. They think it is a made up thing. Ugh, drives me crazy and I know if DD gets a diagnosis, well, who knows?

My DD wasn't diagnosed until she was 7. I just had no clue what to look for. Looking back now she had some of the hallmarks pretty early, maybe 2 years old, like sensory problems but I just thought she was sensitive. She has had a problem with loud noises her whole life so much so that we got her hearing checked on multiple occasions. Since you are familiar with Aspergers it is probably much easier for you to see. It is great that you are getting her evaluated so young. Seeing a psychiatrist and cognitive behavioral therapy have really helped my DD. I wish I would have had her seen earlier. Good luck!

dsmithplus2 · December 2011

Hmmm, this is tough. If I was in this situation, I would definitely have to say something. One, because it is important for you to keep routine for DD's sake. Two, because that's my personality and I don't like when people judge things that are being done for the better of others! With that said, I would definitely call her (since she lives 9 hours away) and let her know how you feel about the whole ordeal.

I understand they may have a completely different parenting style and think your's is not the best... But they must understand to respect your rules, whether or not they like it. Let her know (as I'm sure she already does - so stress it) that your DD needs routine and you cannot break rules just because her grandparents are in town. 4 days will ruin things that your child has learned throughout months.

Maybe say something along the lines of (if you haven't spoke yet), "Mom, I understand that you think I have a very strict way of parenting and that you don't agree with most things, but this is in the best interest for my daughter. She needs routine and we are not going to break the rules for a few days, if we do so, we will be re-establishing things that took us months for her to learn! Therefore, when I tell my daughter no, do not go against my word and tell her yes. It is rude of you to do so... Also, all of the dirty looks are not needed. I will not continue to let these things happen in from of my child. It is very disrespectful of you and I do not appreciate it." I'm not sure if your comfortable with saying these things but I think this is very much needed.

Hopefully this helps. Good luck!

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