My in-laws will pay for IVF with strings attached.

genmalone · December 2011

Let me start by saying I can't believe they offered to pay for IVF. I feel so blessed because we were really struggling to figure out how we'd pay for it. We were seriously considering doing an IVF vacation to Costa Rica just to save money.

Anyway, my in-laws told us they have $20K to go toward IVF. It's a gift not a loan. There is one stipulation: if we have a boy they want him to be the IV (my DH is the III). My DH has said since day 1 that there would NOT be a IV. What do you guys think about my in-laws request? I guess I can see them making a suggestion but I find it incredibly rude that they want that to be a stipulation of the IVF gift. I feel like so much of this process has been taken away from me that I want as much of the experience that is left to be mine and DH. Initially, I thought they were kidding but they aren't.

Thoughts?

mandyandmike2009 · December 2011

To me that is just awful. If you are going to give a gift you should just give the gift.

tatercater · December 2011

I think that's a really strange request. I would think that they would be happy with any new family member that they may have helped come into this world.

It's amazingly generous that they're going to help you with the IVF... but that doesn't make it THEIR baby.

hootie123 · December 2011

They are definitely not kidding, right?

I think this is an awful situation to put you in. They obviously really want you to name a son with the 'family' name and see this as a way to ensure that happens. I honestly don't know what you should do. In some ways you are stuck because you need the money (who doesn't?).

I hate that they put you in this place - and I hope you have a girl. (I know that sounds awful to say - but it was my first thought when I read you dilemma).

racheyt0227 · December 2011

Well I think I can try to answer this as I could (but never would) be in this situation. MH is a IV & we have absolutely determined there will not be a 5th! So I would be incredibly sad/frustrated if I were offered such a gift to only be told how to name my own child. That is so unfair its not even funny.

cupcake0325 · December 2011

Oh....I don't like this at all!!! What kind of stipulation is that to put on a gift?? I would say....I would haveto turn it down. It would be hard but I feel like they are just trying to get one over on you and be in control....that's just me....

MandaS08 · December 2011

That is an incredible gift, but its CRAZY that they will only give it to you if you name your child what they want?! Its almost hard to believe they are serious.

I would almost have my husband tell them no, that if there are strings then he doesn't appreciate the spirit in which the gift is being given. A name seems like a somewhat trivial request, but really it isn't any different then them dictating what religion you bring your child up in, where you send them to school, ect. It is YOUR child! It would shock me if they said, ok, we're not giving it to you if you don't go by our "rules" What kind of support is that?

ukcats27 · December 2011

Oh geez. They weren't kidding right? My dad made the same request when he offered to pay for ours but eventually started laughing saying he was joking.

If they aren't, that's a really tough situation. I do find it rude to make that kind of stipulation on the gift. This could make the difference of them having a grandchild or not. I would sit down with them and ask them if they are serious. If they are, then have your husband tell them that's not fair and actually really rude. I hope you figure out what to do. Good luck!

sammyslick · December 2011

Sounds like your inlaws are trying to pull a Rumplestiltskin on you! Dont do it!!!!

Lightdrwr · December 2011

That's so tough. I've been thinking about that subject quite a bit because both my parents and my mother-in-law have offered us money for IVF if our next IUI fails and it comes to that

I had no problem with my parents paying for college or for the bulk of my wedding but when it comes to paying for my child, I'm not so sure I am comfortable with it. I just feel like, even if there weren't any stipulations up front like there are in your case, there might be this assumption over time that they have some say in things because their gift of money made it possible. I guess I just keep having flashbacks to my parents' influence on my wedding because of the fact they were footing the bill.

A name is a big deal and I too feel like you should be able to have the experience of choosing your child's name when so much is out of your control. At the same time, $20K toward IVF is an amazing opportunity and to pass it up over a name might not be worth it. However, I agree that it's a way they can control you and I think it's pretty crappy that they are offering this "gift" with stipulations. Ugh! I hate that IF is even putting you in this situation.

MsGMChick · December 2011

That's tough. Can you talk to them about maybe keeping a family name but not identical? Like, if it's a boy he would have your H's first name as his middle? Or maybe your MIL's father's name so she feels honored and could persuade your FIL? (Yeah it's a little manipulation.. I'm evil, it's ok)

Like Hootie, my first thought was, I hope it's a girl!! I'm sorry you even have to decide based on those kind of conditions.

limpetfan · December 2011

Wow, that's a crazy-ballsy request! And to me, it's a bit like what a PP said - it sounds more like a bribe than a gift.

Can this be negotiated at all? For example, would they be open to having a boy be given this name as a middle name, rather than a first name? If it's not, then I'm not sure I'd even take the money -- they're taking such a wonderful part of having a child away from you (coming up with a perfect name), it just doesn't seem worth giving something like that up after all you've gone through to have a child to give a name to, you know?

Maybe you can take the money, do PGD, and purposely only transfer girls.... (JUST KIDDING!!!!) Big Smile

Mrs_Liberto · December 2011

I would tell them thanks but no thanks and go to Costa Rica on your IVF vacation.

That's freaking ridiculous and I'm sort of disgusted with your ILs for even suggesting it.

Mrs.Slick · December 2011

I would say no, just because it seems as though they may make you and your h feel as if you owe them something forever, using the name or not.

Could you maybe take the money as a loan instead? That way you still get it but you get to name YOUR child what you and your h want.

brooklynesque · December 2011

Wow. Are they controlling/manipulative in general or is this uncharacteristic? If the former I'd be even less inclined do do what they ask.

If it were me I think I'd say (or, better, have DH say) we appreciate your offer, but we're not at a point where we'd want to give up the right to name our own child. We'll make it work on our own.

I think there's a good chance they'll still end up offering you the money, though. I would hope that for most sane people the desire for a grandchild would surpass the desire to pass on a specific name.

brookelynpaisley · December 2011

mandyandmike2009:
To me that is just awful. If you are going to give a gift you should just give the gift.

Yep. That's a BIG string, IMO

pinkmickey24 · December 2011

To me if there are strings attached it is not a gift. Honestly, I think you and DH need to think about if it is a name you would want for your child and how your DH felt about being the III and sharing the family name. If it is a name neither of you would want for your child, then the answer would be no, IMO. Also, my dad was a junior and he hated it because he was always compared to his father and he was the complete opposite of his father. Plus, he hated the name in general.

If it is something you are willing to consider than maybe here is a compromise you could come up with. Maybe including the most important part of the family name (first or middle) as your child's middle name. Good luck with whatever decision you and your DH make.

genmalone · December 2011

So glad you guys don't think I'm being a baby. I am so thankful that they are willing to help us but this is a deal breaker for me. I wasn't there when the initial conversation came up so I thought my DH was kidding when he relayed the message. I called them and sure enough my father-in-law was serious. I just didn't get into it with him and figured we could discuss it this weekend.

I plan to tell them all the reasons why this doesn't work for me. The truth is I'm not opposed the a IV but I won't be bullied into it. And the funny thing is that they didn't want DH to be a III but my Grandmother-in-law pressured them into it. I really can't believe they are doing the same thing to us but I feel confident I can reason with them. I just wanted other opinions before I tell them how unreasonable they are being.

genmalone · December 2011

brooklynesque:

Wow. Are they controlling/manipulative in general or is this uncharacteristic? If the former I'd be even less inclined do do what they ask.

It is exactly how my father-in-law is. My mother-in-law would never be like that. He loves to be in control and I refuse to be controlled so we've always gone head to head. It's ridiculous!

CEBrock · December 2011

If it was a gift, I would probably be inclined to do it IF my husband felt like we should.

Since its a LOAN, they should have no say in the matter. If you went to the bank and got a IVF loan, they wouldn't ask that you name the baby CITI or Chase Bank.

slouise12 · December 2011

I would be worried that if they are trying to control things before your child is born then they will probably hold this over your head for every parenting decision you make that they don't agree with. It's sad that what seems like such a generous gift is tainted with their not so generous motives. I think you ate making the right decision sitting down with them and explaining your reasons. IF takes so much of your control away already you don't need your IL's trying to take what little you have left.

Mrs_Liberto · December 2011

The more I think about this, the more it makes me disgusted with your ILs (I guess your FIL in particular).

Even if you take the money, do a couple IVF cycles, and (ugh, awful situation) none of the IVFs work? Would your FIL going to spend years guilt tripping you for your IVFs failing? Would he demand a refund from you if he doesn't get a grandchild out of it? Would they refuse to help you with adoption fees (if you chose to go that route) because your IVFs didn't work?

If it succeeded and you got a boy and named him something of your own choosing, would he sue you for breech of contract?

They sound like people I'd cut out of my life entirely, not consider taking large sums of cash from.

brookelynpaisley · December 2011

CEBrock:

If it was a gift, I would probably be inclined to do it IF my husband felt like we should.

Since its a LOAN, they should have no say in the matter. If you went to the bank and got a IVF loan, they wouldn't ask that you name the baby CITI or Chase Bank.

She said it's a gift, NOT a loan

kimikins79 · December 2011

Hi! Still lurking and hope no one minds, but I wanted to say something on this.

This analogy is slightly appropriate (and I am not suggested a fight, but you'll get what I mean). My father always told me to pick my battles and make sure I win the war. To me having the baby, raising the baby, etc would be amazing, regardless of the fact that you may not be able to name the baby.

It is kind of "crappy" to give a conditional gift. However, the bottom line is if the IVF works and you get your baby (maybe boy), to me that is winning the war. Lose the battle, give them the name and get your baby!

Always best of luck!

cscronce · December 2011

I know with the crazy costs of IVF, it may be difficult to turn down such a gift. However, I believe that if you take the gift with their stipulations, it will be the beginning of a pattern. It will start with the name; then it will be other things. I would have my DH say something to them. Maybe it will make them think about the stipulation piece and then they will just give you the gift with no attachments.

STL34 · December 2011

kimikins79:

Hi! Still lurking and hope no one minds, but I wanted to say something on this.

This analogy is slightly appropriate (and I am not suggested a fight, but you'll get what I mean). My father always told me to pick my battles and make sure I win the war. To me having the baby, raising the baby, etc would be amazing, regardless of the fact that you may not be able to name the baby.

It is kind of "crappy" to give a conditional gift. However, the bottom line is if the IVF works and you get your baby (maybe boy), to me that is winning the war. Lose the battle, give them the name and get your baby!

Always best of luck!

This. And, then totally call him something else. I have a lot of friends that name their baby one thing and then call them something completely different.

That being said, if you are too uncomfortable with this request or believe that it is the tip of the iceburg as far as requests would go, then you have to way that with being able to afford IVF here. If you are able to do the Costa Rica IVF and it doesn't work, then maybe this string wouldn't be as important to you since it would give you another chance to have a baby.

carcrashheart · December 2011

No no no no no. It would be so hard to turn it down but anything that comes with strings like that won't be worth it. If you have a boy you may come to resent his name or your IL's more. What if you have a girl? Will they all of a sudden want to name her also? Anything that comes with strings will also come with it being hung over your head and used to guilt you time and time again.

I think this is a battle to choose. I would be afraid of the other strings that they will all of a sudden come up with after the fact. It's not fair to offer a gift with strings like that. If it was something like "pay us back half" or anything that didn't deal with the baby, how to raise it or what to name it, I would sit a different tune..

farmerlynda · December 2011

This is so upsetting, Gen. I actually wrote a whole reply about how you should take the money and ignore the request, I was so infuriated by it... but then I realized that I probably couldn't really do that if I were in your situation, because even if your FIL is being an asshat, that's no reason to be an asshat too.

I do however think that there could be a legitimate way around it. Is the middle name nice? MH is named after his father on his birth certificate but goes by his middle name for everything else, including driver's license (and his middle name is actually a way better name than his given name, which is fairly boring Robert). Could you tell your FIL that you are seriously considering naming the baby IV if he's a boy -- but that you don't want to decide what to name the baby until you meet him/her? Could you explain that IF is horrible and gut-wrenching and has already taken away so much of your autonomy... that you can't honestly commit 100% to letting someone else make such a decision for you, because it hurts too much? Point out that the sentiment of naming him after YH and FIL is totally lost if it's a requirement.

As an aside, if I got pregnant after the gift IVF money, I'd seriously consider going team green so that there's no stress over names until the baby is actually born. And pick something like "jellybean" or another cute nickname to call the baby so that FIL doesn't start calling him/her IV off the bat.

By the way, I wouldn't use the word "bribe" -- I'd use the word "blackmail"! This is not okay. And for me, the reason it's so not okay is because IF already takes away so much of your dignity... naming your baby is one of the few choices you do have after all this crap. And it should be made by you and YH, not an manipulative FIL.

bostonbluejay · December 2011

MandaS08:
That is an incredible gift, but its CRAZY that they will only give it to you if you name your child what they want?! Its almost hard to believe they are serious.

I would almost have my husband tell them no, that if there are strings then he doesn't appreciate the spirit in which the gift is being given. A name seems like a somewhat trivial request, but really it isn't any different then them dictating what religion you bring your child up in, where you send them to school, ect. It is YOUR child! It would shock me if they said, ok, we're not giving it to you if you don't go by our "rules" What kind of support is that?

This. I think your husband needs to talk to them and let them know that he is hurt by their "bribe". He really should tell them that it's him that does not want a IV, and that he wants the naming experience to be between the two of you.

I think if they are going to put stipulations on this "gift" like that, that I would have to turn it down if it were me. It sounds a little too shady AND if they have the cajones to dictate what you name your child if you accept their money, where does it stop? Will it always be thrown in your face? Will they try to dictate other things about how your child is raised and then remind you constantly that you have this potential baby because of them and their money? I just wouldn't want that hanging over my head for the rest of my life.

CEBrock · December 2011

Thats kind of my point... was that if the case was that it was a gift, then I would consider it. Kind of as a "thank you" to the ILs. I thought the second part of my post made it pretty clear that I read the whole thing and understood that it was a loan.

CEBrock · December 2011

brookelynpaisley:
CEBrock:

If it was a gift, I would probably be inclined to do it IF my husband felt like we should.

Since its a LOAN, they should have no say in the matter. If you went to the bank and got a IVF loan, they wouldn't ask that you name the baby CITI or Chase Bank.

She said it's a gift, NOT a loan

kelnyc · December 2011

*sig warning*

I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. I would never in a million years agree to that and would instead save my little heart out to pay for IVF myself (which is what I did)before I let someone else make a decision like that for me. No way.

sbrowns08 · December 2011

I think this puts you in an awful position and I think it was terrible of them to ask. That said, I know I would do anything for a baby at this point, so I would probably consider it.

SMF&ADS091507 · December 2011

That is tough! A gift is a gift, not a bribe. I hope you and YH figure out how you want to handle this. If it was me, I don't know what I would do. I wish IF coverage was standard for insurance policies. ((hugs))

steff13914 · December 2011

I agree that it's rude for them to ask that of you guys, but I'd try compromising with them instead of saying no. It's such a generous gift, and if you can't afford it on your own, I wouldn't turn it down. I think the best option if it's a boy is to have the same first and last name and have a different middle name that the child goes by.

My in-laws offered to pay for our IVF too, and for a second I thought, we should name the child some variation of one of their names or give them the same middle name, etc. They in no way pressuerd us, it's just a nice gesture I think to name the child after the person generous enough to help you get there. I can see how it's hurtful if it's not your own idea, but when it comes down to it, this would not be something I'd turn down.

I hope you can reason with them. Best wishes.

ElleBlue · December 2011

As tempting as this is, I think you should turn down this "gift".

MeredithE · December 2011

I think it's absolutely disgusting that your IL's are playing on your vulnerabilities likes this.

JenniferLuvsCandy · December 2011

limpetfan:

Wow, that's a crazy-ballsy request! And to me, it's a bit like what a PP said - it sounds more like a bribe than a gift.

Can this be negotiated at all? For example, would they be open to having a boy be given this name as a middle name, rather than a first name? If it's not, then I'm not sure I'd even take the money -- they're taking such a wonderful part of having a child away from you (coming up with a perfect name), it just doesn't seem worth giving something like that up after all you've gone through to have a child to give a name to, you know?

Maybe you can take the money, do PGD, and purposely only transfer girls.... (JUST KIDDING!!!!)

MUAAAAAHAAAAHAAAA I was so seriously thinking that!

WifeofMrA · December 2011

that sucks!

I guess it would depend on how long and how burdensome saving the money would be for you and your DH. If it was me, I'd probably forgo the gift and let them know my reasons why and hope that they would change their minds about the stipulation.

Blueyed228 · December 2011

I probably would have cursed them out. That would have enraged me. I would tell them no. Not no thanks, just no. Let them figure out how ridiculous they are.

nycitygirl1 · December 2011

Terrible. Really Terrible. It's unbelievably controlling and tacky to pay for IVF and then think you get to "buy" your grandchild's name. What does your DH think?

Want a personalized experience?

My in-laws will pay for IVF with strings attached.

Re: My in-laws will pay for IVF with strings attached.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards