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Military Families
Sad face
So..my FI is in the Army National Guard...he leaves for BCT on Jan. 3rd 
I am 9 wks prego and so far I've had a high risk pregnancy..by the time he graduates from BCT I will be 20-21 wks and idk if traveling would put stress on me...or if I'll have a job by then. If I don't see him @ his graduation I won't see him for 7 mos. and I won't be able to go to his graduation from AIT because I'll be 9 mos prego and due by then. To make matters worse, he plans on volunteering to deploy as soon as he's out and doesn't want to talk about marriage...We've been together 6 years and this will be our 2nd child together and call me crazy but I feel that if he's going to go and risk his life he owes it to me and our children to marry me. I don't want to be one of those women who gets screwed by the military when their men die in combat just because they weren't married. Right now I'm on bed rest from work and he's just had his drill pay each month, so we are staying with my parents and my sister and I can't stand any of them. We are trying to find me an apartment to rent so I can have my own place while he's gone, but I'm worried that we won't be able to find an APT manager that is willing to sign a lease with us before he starts getting paid. Sorry for the novel, but this is all catching up to me and I'm starting to get depressed!
I am 9 wks prego and so far I've had a high risk pregnancy..by the time he graduates from BCT I will be 20-21 wks and idk if traveling would put stress on me...or if I'll have a job by then. If I don't see him @ his graduation I won't see him for 7 mos. and I won't be able to go to his graduation from AIT because I'll be 9 mos prego and due by then. To make matters worse, he plans on volunteering to deploy as soon as he's out and doesn't want to talk about marriage...We've been together 6 years and this will be our 2nd child together and call me crazy but I feel that if he's going to go and risk his life he owes it to me and our children to marry me. I don't want to be one of those women who gets screwed by the military when their men die in combat just because they weren't married. Right now I'm on bed rest from work and he's just had his drill pay each month, so we are staying with my parents and my sister and I can't stand any of them. We are trying to find me an apartment to rent so I can have my own place while he's gone, but I'm worried that we won't be able to find an APT manager that is willing to sign a lease with us before he starts getting paid. Sorry for the novel, but this is all catching up to me and I'm starting to get depressed! Together since 05/2006; BFP 10/2006; DS born on 05/21/2007
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Sad face
People who "get screwed by the military" after the death of a loved one are actually being screwed by the loved one. Even if he doesn't marry you, you and your children can receive his death insurance payments. All he has to do is put your info on the paperwork. Your children will be covered by his insurance as long as he enrolls them into the DEERS system. If you are not married, you are not. How are y'all paying for your OB care? Do you have insurance now?
I do agree with Chloe when she says after six years, he's probably not going to marry you. He's sounds pretty immature if he's letting people he doesn't even really know talk him out of marrying a woman he's fathered two children with.
MH had a lot of people tell him the stories about women cheating, and after being married for almost a year, he still hears it and still worries about it. But that's not an excuse to not marry someone you've been with for 6 years and have 2 kids with. Like a PP said, his benefits can go to your kids if something happens to him, and if he's not comfortable with that, talk to his parents about what would happen if he were to get KIA. (If they are the beneficiaries) They may not be all about supporting you, but I'd hope they would be concerned about supporting your kids together if something happened. MH and I have been married almost a year and his mom is still his beneficiary. This will change when our baby is born though, and he is fine with this.
I agree with PP that you shouldn't keep having kids with him if he's not going to marry you, especially in that situation. I wouldn't even consider having kids with MH until after we got married.
This. Re-read it because it is exactly right.
The military doesn't screw people. Servicemembers make choices that may have bad repercussions on family should the worst (god forbid) happen to them.
"Higher ups" sometimes can put their noses in places that they don't belong. They are probably coming from a good place and have seen a lot bad things. But I have a serious issue with any higher up making blanket statements to vulnerable and doe eyed new recruits. It isn't fair to anyone. My husband (who I guess is a "higher up") does not give marital advice. As a mental health counselor myself, we have had a lot of debates about this over the years. MMs are not counselors (except for a few chaplains and some doctors) and should not overstep their bounds.
6 years is a long time. If you have been with this man for six years, are pregnant with your second child together, and he is shying away from marriage because of a few secondhand stories about women cheating I would say that is a HUGE red flag for YOU. Forget about him - think about your own happiness too. Do you want to be married to a man like that? I know I wouldn't.
Do you have medical benefits now? HOw are you paying for your high risk OB care? Your children will be able to get coverage through Tricare as long as your boyfriend enrolls them in DEERS. You, unfortunately, will not. And you won't qualify for married housing, separation pay, and a slew of other beneifts (both monetary and non monetary). If he won't marry you I URGE you not to just follow him around the country/world waiting on him. It isn't worth it. This life is hard for even the best marriages and most stable home situations. If your relationship is full of trust issues, drama, immaturity, and communication gaps you are in for a rocky road.
Married 6/28/03
Kate ~ 7/3/09 *** Connor ~ 11/11/10
4 miscarriages: 2007, 2009, 2013, 2014
*~*~*~*~*
No more TTC for us. We are done, and at peace, as a family of 4.
"Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” — Charles Dickens
So he'd rather have you on Medicaid than Tricare, and after six years you're "rushing" to get married? I'm not a big fan of encouraging people to get married just because they have children together, and unfortunately my gut is telling me that in spite of your history together he's decided that you're not the one he wants to marry. My advice is to talk to an attorney and start figuring out things like child support. Additionally, if you've been icing together for an extended period you may be considered common-law spouses, and divorce proceeding might be necessary. Regardless, you deserve better than this guy.
I agree with PP-- after 6 years and two pregnancies I don't feel like you're 'rushing' to get married. As for waiting for a nice wedding-- why not just go to the court house and have a nice wedding with family as a renewal down the road?
As for the cheating thing--- If he trusted you, or really cared, he wouldn't take those 'higher ups' advice or thoughts on the matter. My H and I have been together for 10 years of military service and neither of us have ever had any trepidations about cheating despite stories from other people. It's really NOT that hard not to sleep with someone else- and if he doesn't trust you, don't marry him anyway! You deserve to be with someone who trusts you.
As for the 'screwing over' by the military thing--- the rules are in place for a reason--- They may be flawed in some ways, but the commitment of marriage to a service member is a huge deal and even if you have a commited relationship outside of marriage, how can they prove that? Just because someone has a child or claims that they are engaged doesn't make it true (not saying that all marriages are based on truth either-- like I said, flawed in some ways). Budgeting is a huge deal with the military and too many people abuse the system, they have to have some rules in order. It's not becuase they want to 'screw you over'-- it's to protect the rights and priveledges of service members and their families in the long run.
Maybe he's just not that into you?
I mean really... after 6 years and 2 kids....it's time to make a decision. That decision is yours- do you want to stay with a man that obviously has no intention of marrying you? The fact that he doesn't want to discuss it with you would be a huge red flag that perhaps he doesn't see you in his future.
My thoughts exactly. I definitely don't have any advice besides do what is best for you and your children. And, if you have to convince someone to marry you then it sounds like a bad deal IMO. If he wanted to marry you, he would.
This is NOT a reason to get married. Getting married for the benefits is the wrong reason to do it. It sounds like you want to marry him because you love him but DO NOT try and guilt him into doing it just so you can get benefits. It sounds selfish and it makes you sound like you are using him, even if you're not. As long as he lists his child as a dependent he is eligible for housing benefits, these benefits do not increase with the number of dependents so getting married wouldn't make it go higher. The ONLY benefit you would get out of getting married is medical.
If you've been with him for 6 years and 2 kids later and he still doesn't want to get married I'd be questioning why.
It sounds like you need a crash course in the "benefits" available to married service members.
As an unmarried junior enlisted SM he will most likely have to live in the dorms. Married SMs can petition their "higher-ups" to live outside the dorms with their families. If his petition is approved he can move into base housing with his family. Either way, you will not see his BAH payments. I don't think (though I could be wrong) that junior enlisted are allowed to live off-base, but if he were he would get a nominal increase in his BAH. It's not much and definitely not worth getting married over.
You said you are already the beneficiary of his life insurance, so there's no added benefit there.
If you marry him, you would get healthcare.
You will be able to accompany him to most of his assignments, deployments and unaccompanied tours notwithstanding.
That's it.
In all honesty, it sounds to me like this man does not want to marry you and to me, none of these benefits is worth being married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me. My suggestion to you is to find an apartment for you and your children and talk to a lawyer about getting child support taken out of his pay. They will set it up as an allotment, so you don't have to rely on him to cut you a check every month, the military will automatically send you the money before he gets paid.
I'm sorry you're in such a crap spot. Your FI clearly needs a reality check.
Along with what PPs have said, I would like to add... I'm pretty sure the ONLY way he could get BAH for the kids is if he has sole custody of them. I'm pretty sure you guys would actually have to have the paperwork saying that he has sole custody too.
As for the separations pay, I could see him getting separations pay just for having them, but I'm not sure on that so I can't give any valuable input on that.
Yes! Pretty much, and he does have me as his emergency contact. I am already his military power of attorney as well. All he has left to do is give me access to his bank account while he's gone so I can pay the bills and stuff, and yes I will be missing out on the insurance for now, but I'm OK with that...I'm still covered by medicaid, though it sucks, but it's better than nothin.
I would let up on the 'pushing' for alittle bit, if you have the time to, maybe a week or two...he could be overwhelmed with the fact that he is about to leave his family behind, and on top of that maybe the 'pushing' of getting married might be the iceberg...I would try and bring it up after afew days or a week or so, because the uncertainty of the amount of time they will have before they deploy would just make me uncomfortable. Depending on what and all is going on politically he could have a year before he deploys and then again he could get out of AIT and only have afew days...and I would bring this up to him when you bring up the subject, maybe along the lines of 'i know you dont want to talk about it, but we need to talk about the what-ifs, should you get deployed early, etc...'
As far as finding an apartment, I hope you guys manage to find a nice good hearted manager that will let you guys into a lease without him getting pay first.
I certainly wish you guys the best of luck, and also on your pregnancy
There is quite a bit of incorrect information in this post. BAH/w dependents is the same no matter if you have one or 10 dependents. Also, it is extremely frowned upon to marry while between Basic and AIT and during AIT. In many cases, it would be going against a direct order. There is other wrong information in the post, but I don't have time to pick it all apart.
This.
I NEVER, EVER consider the benefits I would get if my husband was killed...this is not a reason to get married. Good luck with your pregnancy.
If he wanted to go IN and AD, why didn't he do that in the first place?
CJ 05/29/2013
See the above bolded. As for getting married durring AIT, yes it is frowned upon. It has been proven many times that IET soldiers don't always make the most awesome choices while in training. Because of this, things like marraiges and tattoos during this time period are discouraged. Some units issue a verbal order. Other training units, like the one I was in, had to sign a counseling statement acknowledging that they had been given the order and understand it. Units who have longer training periods often require soldiers to get permission before getting married durring training.
When I was in training, we had a holdover who was being chaptered out of the Army because he went against the order and got married to his long time girlfriend while on an overnight pass. He had just learned he was being stationed in Germany and they didn't want to be separated.
It is also frowned upon to get married durring family day or between the time of graduation from AIT and when you report to your new duty station.
BLT, can he not still change. I know things there are something different in the Guard than USAR, but I was given the opportunity right before I shipped at MEPS to change my mind and go AD. I also don't understand why he didn't just go infantry in the first place if that was what he wanted.