Turns out I'm not alone in DH's family

brookelynpaisley · December 2011

We spent Saturday evening with DH's parents and two of FIL's three sisters. Of course, at some point in the conversation when the guys were in the garage, the "so when are you guys going to have a family" thing came up. In the moment, I just thought "eff it, I'm tired of lying and saying 'hopefully soon/when the time is right/blah blah blah'" and told them we had fertility issues and we'd made some tough decisions.

Turns out, all of FIL's sisters have had severe fybroids and one had endo and they all had hysterectomies by the age of 34. I'd always assumed the two that do have one child had only children by choice. I had no idea. One aunt had her surgery done so young she didn't even get to meet a man she'd want to have children with before she had to give up her chance of carrying a child.

I had so much anxiety about the topic coming up over Thanksgiving and I never even stopped to consider I wasn't alone in this. And I found a new source of support in these wonderful women. The situations are different, but they obviously know the pain of having their family size limited by infertility. And, I'm glad I spoke up and stopped lying to people or being vague. It may not be appropriate to do so in all situations, but it was very liberating to be honest for once.

vxs0038 · December 2011

I have found so many people in my family have had TTC, as well. In fact, I caught up w/a cousin on FB today and she told me she had TTC as well.

It's bittersweet when you find out you aren't alone. You are sad that someone else had to deal with what you are going through and at the same time you are relieved that you aren't alone.

LyssRob · December 2011

That's really great (well, as "great" as the situation can be, obviously!).

I, too, find comfort in sharing with people...

Kathy4678 · December 2011

I'm so glad you found some family support! It's a relief to have others understand you and hopefully this will keep some of the questions at bay!

brideonjuly8 · December 2011

Good for you for speaking up! I'm glad you found some support from your family. I have another family member who is having a rough go of it right now and another who had a tough time getting pregnant years ago, and I can't tell you how amazing it is to be able to vent to someone who knows (for the most part, though neither have ever miscarried) about how frustrated this all is. ((hugs))

eponine7682 · December 2011

Awe BP!! That is AMAZING! It's a wonderful thing to meet someone IRL that understands what you are going through, it's even better when it's family. I am so happy you have additional support hun!

limpetfan · December 2011

I've definitely found that the more you talk about infertility, the more people come out of the wood work who are dealing with/have dealt with the same thing. It's always scary to open your mouth initially, though! It's awesome that you found a new source of support

honeygirl500 · December 2011

It really can be liberating sometimes. I hope that you and your family can actually help support each other now. It is always nice to know that someone truely does understand what you are going through and you are not alone. Maybe this can help ease the pain just a little bit for you.

SParkman80 · December 2011

That's great BP! I'm glad you have some family support.

I just told my dad we are having trouble and he said it took my grandmother 9 years to get pregnant with him. I never knew that. Oh how I wish she were still here today so I could talk to her about it... No one else in my family has ever had trouble and are quick to let me know. Tongue Tied

brookelynpaisley · December 2011

Kathy4678:
I'm so glad you found some family support! It's a relief to have others understand you and hopefully this will keep some of the questions at bay!

That's what I'm hoping. I made it clear that it doesn't matter what's going on or whose "fault" any of it is, so hopefully my explanation and their shared understanding will put an end to the questioning.

I feel so awful for Dan's cousin - she's getting married in April and has the same condition as her mother/aunts. She doesn't even know if she'll be able to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term either. It's hard enough spending the year trying and then finding out there are issues - I'm not sure how I'd handle feeling doomed from the get-go.

Blueyed228 · December 2011

Brooke Im so glad you were able to find some support with them. What a big weight off your shoulder to share with them and know that, even though its not exactly the same situation, that they have a similar experience and understanding.

carcrashheart · December 2011

That's really nice! I bet you're really glad you let it out! It's nice to have people that understand and won't bug you about it.

My DH's family has covered the board from stillbirth to miscarriage to ivf to going through adoption due to not being able to conceive (and ending up with a surprise baby prior to the sdoption going through), so I never have to worry about any of them saying anything. I think nearly every family on his side has dealt with some sort of issue, whether it was them or their offspring. And my family, while all fertile myrtles, are well aware of what we are going through so they know better than to say anything.

softbalangel · December 2011

brookelynpaisley:

Kathy4678:
I'm so glad you found some family support! It's a relief to have others understand you and hopefully this will keep some of the questions at bay!

That's what I'm hoping. I made it clear that it doesn't matter what's going on or whose "fault" any of it is, so hopefully my explanation and their shared understanding will put an end to the questioning.

I feel so awful for Dan's cousin - she's getting married in April and has the same condition as her mother/aunts. She doesn't even know if she'll be able to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term either. It's hard enough spending the year trying and then finding out there are issues - I'm not sure how I'd handle feeling doomed from the get-go.

Knowing for the get go is hard, yet at times easier for me. We knew about our MFI before we even started actively trying. I very rarely get my hopes up and it has kept me from testing early since there is such a slim chance.

Amyaggie97 · December 2011

I find it kind of interesting and sad that there are so many people out there that have trouble with IF. It's also kind of sad how taboo the subject is to people. There was an article in, I think, Redbook within the last couple of months about IF. It talked about how it was a disease that needs to be brought out into the open and that people shouldn't feel ashamed about dealing with it or talking about it. It also addressed how to interact with those that are struggling.

brookelynpaisley · December 2011

Amyaggie97:
I find it kind of interesting and sad that there are so many people out there that have trouble with IF. It's also kind of sad how taboo the subject is to people. There was an article in, I think, Redbook within the last couple of months about IF. It talked about how it was a disease that needs to be brought out into the open and that people shouldn't feel ashamed about dealing with it or talking about it. It also addressed how to interact with those that are struggling.

That's exactly while I feel it's important - at least for me - to shed the fear and be open. IF is not something to be ashamed of, it's not something we asked for or brought on ourselves. And it goes far beyond just an inability to conceive. Our life in general is affected. Hard decisions have to be made. Thousands of dollars are spent by many couples. There are many misconceptions that could hopefully be debunked if we had the courage to be honest. It's scary, I know, and I respect everyone's decision to share as little or as much as they choose. I just hope this good outcome will give me the encouragement to be open the next time I'm asked, too.

byrne15 · December 2011

Sounds weird to say...but I'm some ways, it is good not to be alone. Even if it means, others have suffered as well.

Sometimes I feel so alone, but I am glad that I am friends with someone from this board IRL. It is rare to find someone who REALLY does understand.

Trish11278 · December 2011

It is surprising how many people we know have had fertility issues. Although it doesn't come out until we talk about it.

So glad you have found that extra support!

kz's_girlygirl · December 2011

BP, Thank you for posting this. With the holidays looming, I have been thinking more and more about just being open about things and not simply relying on "Someday" or "When the time is right" answers to the questions. I don't anticipate any support from my extended family with maybe one or two exceptions, but more and more I am beginning to think that my anxiety over family gatherings isn't worth it.

I'm glad you were able to talk with other family members and have a positive experience!

ukcats27 · December 2011

That's great, BP. I hope you have found people who you can trust to discuss it with.

dragontears507 · December 2011

So glad you found out that you're not alone. Hopefully, this can only bring you closer to your family and these women can give you guidance based on their personal experiences.

buckeyebaby814 · December 2011

I'm happy for you that you were able to open up comfortably and share some of your history with DHs family. Like a PP had said, it may be 'bittersweet' to find out about other family members who dealt with IF, but I'm sure it was also, to some degree, comforting.

happilyeverafterxo · December 2011

Awww, your happy posts are making me smile today! Do you feel better after talking about this with them? It sounds like it

Thinking about you today and every day!

BethanyB2609 · December 2011

brookelynpaisley:
Amyaggie97:
I find it kind of interesting and sad that there are so many people out there that have trouble with IF. It's also kind of sad how taboo the subject is to people. There was an article in, I think, Redbook within the last couple of months about IF. It talked about how it was a disease that needs to be brought out into the open and that people shouldn't feel ashamed about dealing with it or talking about it. It also addressed how to interact with those that are struggling.

That's exactly while I feel it's important - at least for me - to shed the fear and be open. IF is not something to be ashamed of, it's not something we asked for or brought on ourselves. And it goes far beyond just an inability to conceive. Our life in general is affected. Hard decisions have to be made. Thousands of dollars are spent by many couples. There are many misconceptions that could hopefully be debunked if we had the courage to be honest. It's scary, I know, and I respect everyone's decision to share as little or as much as they choose. I just hope this good outcome will give me the encouragement to be open the next time I'm asked, too.

I absolutely love this! This statement was worded so perfectly. I am so happy that you were able to find "comfort" by sharing your struggles with others.

bostonbluejay · December 2011

Kathy4678:
I'm so glad you found some family support! It's a relief to have others understand you and hopefully this will keep some of the questions at bay!

This! I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough in that moment to open up about some things and found a good support system.

DoubleBubble08 · December 2011

Wow, I can imagine your relief upon finding out that information!

brookelynpaisley · December 2011

happilyeverafterxo:

Awww, your happy posts are making me smile today! Do you feel better after talking about this with them? It sounds like it

Thinking about you today and every day!

I do feel better, especially knowing I don't need to be anxious about future visits with them. I know that questions aren't going to be asked and that's a relief.

Thanks for the love - thinking of you, too

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