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May 2012 Moms
Follow up to my "really embarrassing marital problem" post...
For those of you who responded to my post yesterday regarding finding porn on my husband's phone... It did not go well. In fact, he's not speaking to me. I told him everything I felt... about how I'm having a really hard time with our lack of intimacy and I just wanred to see if that is why he hasn't wanted anything to do with me. I told him I know we can't have sex but I'm still his wife and I still need his affection and personal contact. I told him I feel like my body isn't even mine right now and I'm very discouraged. I did tell him about the first time I saw it on his phone, completely unintentionally, and that's what got me thinking about it. I told him I just feel really alone and he seems so disinterested in me and it hurts me. I also told him I know he's going to relieve himself if he feels the need. I'm aware he's by himself all day and I know we can't have sex. I get it. But I don't want it to come before me, and I don't want him to depend on that and never turn to me for any of his needs.
He said he feels betrayed and deceived and can't believe I would go through his phone and that I lied about it (i.e. when I told him I had checked the weather). He said none of what I said is an excuse to lie and go through his phone. He said every guy he knows watches porn and what he does on his phone is completely normal. I told him it's not even about that-- it's about the fact that he's choosing that over me. He said he doesn't care about anything I said-- all he can think about right now is the fact that I went through his phone. (He's very big on trust, if you haven't noticed). No matter what I said, that's what he kept going back to. That I went through his phone. It's like he didn't even hear anything else I said.
Anyway, he didn't come home last night until 12:30. He hasn't spoken to me at all. The last thing he said to me was that I'm "a liar and a shitty wife"... He tends to go a little overboard when we fight. I had a horrible day at work yesterday and I was so on edge about all of this a patient made me cry right before I left and I was so upset, and I couldn't even tell him about it. I'm trying to just keep to myself while he calms down and comes to his senses... It's just annoying. Anyway, just wanted to give y'all an update and get more off my chest. Bumpies are the best listeners! 
Thanks girls.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Follow up to my "really embarrassing marital problem" post...
I'm sorry. I think it's normal for both people to overreact in a fight, and I think you'll both need time to calm down. Pregnancy is hard on relationships.
He's upset that you went through his phone mainly because you caught him. I'm really different about "stuff", so what you found wouldn't have bothered me, but...I can totally relate to finding something you don't want to one your partner's phone, email, etc...
Hope things calm down for you. *hugs*
Acknowledging that he is right to be upset at your violation of his privacy will probably go a long way. Because while I understand 100% why you feel as you do (the cerclage and no sex - no orgasm or stimulation for me, so it's worse - are really difficult to deal with when you feel isolated and unattractive anyway), going through his phone wasn't cool and does indicate a lack of trust in him - or at least so he has every reason to perceive.
I would suggest that if he typically gets mean during a fight to let him cool off, and apologize for your errors. And when he's calmer, then ask him calmly if you can discuss your feelings about intimacy. Try to separate the issues so you can work further towards a resolution.
Sorry it's rough right now.
Gabriel Ross - August 24, 2009 * Vivienne Rose - May 1, 2012
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Honestly I would be really upset if H went through my phone because he didn't trust me (and that is why you did it after the first time, which I get was unintentional.) something like that would color my view of everything said after that and I think that's probably it for your H along with embarrassment that he was "caught".
BUT, that said, since you did it, better to get it out in the open now than to let it fester. I would give him a day or two to cool off, and then approach it again - " I know you're upset about what I did, but I was upset PRIOR to finding the porn and that just kind of made it worse for me," etc. acknowledge that you were wrong but that his reaction is a bit extreme (you are not a shitty wife.....) and that you need to discuss the issue more.
Honestly maybe a counselor would help.
Yes, I explained that I have no interest in his phone calls, text messages, facebook, whatever... I really couldn't care less about that and still have no desire to look at any of it.
I also explained that it's not the fact that he's looking at porn-- that doesn't even really bother me. He doesn't have to defend himself. I'm not trying to embarrass him. It's just the fact that it's ALL he's doing, and he's not coming to me for anything . I know things will calm down. I just don't know when . He'll be working all weekend, so I don't even know when we're going to talk to smooth things over.
I'm so sorry
Let him calm down and hopefully he will realize he is overreacting. You did the right thing by being honest with him. Now your feelings are out on the table so it's up to him whether he cares about how you're feeling or if he's just going to focus on not trusting you. Hope it gets better!
YES!!! I didn't read far enough ahead, but I thought I was in the minority that everyone was agreeing with her husband lol... I totally agree. I think that after a few days, he should be coming to a realization that HE is the one who has been *shitty. This really got me all fired up haha damn preggo hormons!!! It's not fair that he can completely disregard the GREATER issue at hand, which is the fact that she feels like he isn't giving her any attention or affection and that may or may not have to do with his watching porn (i.e. which came first... that he stopped giving her attention and THEN watched porn OR that he started watching porn and then stopped giving her attention). He needs to buck up and be a husband and get over it, IMO. Sorry to the original poster if this offend you - it is not my attention. I am genuinely mad for you haha.
My hubby doesn't watch porn on his own either. I've told him at this point that if he wants to, I can't blame him because we haven't been having a ton of sex, but he says he's just not into it anymore haha. In the past, we have watched it together (gasp)... he was more into that lol.
Thank you. I do feel stupid, but feel 100% certain that I have a very valid point. I know it was not right of me to check his phone. But seriously, if the roles were reversed, I would feel horrible that I drove him to that because of my neglect and I would feel bad that he had been hurting because of me. I guess that's just me being a woman though.
I feel like I am very understanding of his needs, and I never turn him away when he does come to me. I just wish he would calm down and not drag this out for so long...
I had a doctor appointment yesterday (I have to go every two weeks to have my cerclage checked), and he didn't even ask how it went or anything. I understand not wanting to talk to me, but this is our BABY we're talking about. I just feel like he majorly overreacted and he's putting everything on ME and the fact that I looked at his internet history, instead of the actual issue at hand that I was trying to bring to his attention.
I went through this with my husband while we were engaged. I SERIOUSLY suggest reading or listening to the book "every man's battle." Its really for him to read but it will help you too because you will understand him a little better and make it easier to communicate in a way thats effective for him.
In all, He SHOULD NOT be looking at porn and it is NOT normal. We've told ourselves its normal but when he married you, he made a vow to love and cherish you, which INCLUDES not getting any sexual stimulation (visual or otherwise) from anyone except for you. Hear his struggle when you talk to him, understand how difficult it is for a man in this culture who is constantly bombarded by sexual images and told that it is okay to think that way, but do not accept and and condone it... it is NOT okay.
Oh and BTW I wouldn't be mad about him looking through my phone or vice versa. You are married and that is totally acceptable My Hubby and I now have a "free to look" policy, which we started when I saw porn on his phone while he was sitting beside me (he didn't hide it well). He can look through my phone anytime he wants (or my email or facebook for that matter) and I can look through his. We have no reason to hide from each other because we've eliminated porn (and other things that seem inappropriate from our relationship) You should not promote a situation where we have an *opportunity* to hide. We have each others passwords for every account we have. I have found that the fact that I CAN look through his mail or phone, makes me feel like there is no need to. He would never do anything that would make me have a need to do that now. The accountability is good for both of you! My hubby and I are very happily married, and the friends that I went to when it first happened said there hubbys did the same thing but they let it go... and did not create a "no opportunity for mistrust" situation, all 3 of them are divorced, and 2 have babies. Just saying, don't let ANYONE tell you that it is wrong to have full access to your husbands accounts or vice versa, this was somthing our pre-marital marriage counselor (had to take sessions to get married) told us very firmly right up front, lasting marriages keep no secrets or opportunities for secrets.
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This. When my FI gets caught in something that he did wrong or is embarrassed about, he gets defensive but it turns into being a jacka**. Give him just a little bit, hopefully he comes around to where he'll sit down and talk like adults even if he's still mad.
This.
Also I kind of went through a similar situation when I was pregnant with DS. Only DH was looking/watching it on his PS3. I found out about it when I went to get online one day. I asked him about it, but I didn't go into anything else. I know he's sexually frustrated. We went from humping like rabbits to not having sex in 2 1/2 months (but I'm not on restrictions)....I was sad by it, but it's not like he was cheating on me. He was using it for himself to relieve himself. Maybe your DH was doing the same thing, but on his phone. Plus if he was doing it secretly he probably just put it on his phone so he could go into the bathroom and have some privacy... I know my DH always waits until I'm asleep. Hope things turn up soon.
The fact that he got so angry and defensive would be a major red flag for me. You are asking for love and support here, and his only concern is covering his own a$$.
I hesitated to respond to your first post because I'm afraid my opinion is colored by my own experiences, but I have to tell you that this whole situation rubs me the wrong way. I don't really have any advice for you, except that you should understand that you deserve to be treated with love, affection, and intimacy, and if this guy cannot see past his own guilt to realize that you are reaching out and asking for your needs to be met, then it is not because of anything YOU have done.
I think maybe he is stressed about the lack of intimicy you guys have right now in the bedroom. My DH does not look at porn. . So I can't relate to you in that sense. However. You were honest with him and hopefully after a day or so of what you said stewing in his head he will talk to you. Another piece of advice. Sex and kissing and making out are not the only forms of intimacy. Make a nice romantic dinner for him with candles and music.Go out on a date. There are lots of other things you can do to reconnect with your husband on a personal level. DH tends to go over board when we argue too. I was a bi*ch bc I dint want to spend 1300 on a new shower. He cools off and almost always apologizes later. I just let him vent and yell and throw a tantrum bc I know evetually he will think back and realize what a Jack A he was.
I agree completely with this. Whatever you do, do not keep apologizing. You have no reason to. He is the one who should be apologizing for not being more compassionate of your needs and feelings. He's being super defensive and in my opinion, it's ridiculous that he called you names. He is in the wrong here, not you. If anything it should be you giving him the silent treatment. The whole "you invaded my privacy and broke my trust" thing doesn't fly with me, sorry. He had something to hide, not you.
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If that is the case, then it is self-inflicted stress. I want intimacy. I always try to do nice things or show him I love him in different ways. I try to plan things for us to do, cook for him so we can have a nice meal together, I leave him little notes, compliment him, and always make myself available to him, physically. If he is stressed about the lack of intimacy, then it's his fault. I know he cannot put his penis in my vagina right now, but as you said, that's not the only way to be intimate, and I feel like he's going to have to get over it.
Exactly! I'm the one who is supposed to be upset here! And yet even after sharing how I feel with him and being honest, I'm still having to put my feelings aside while he has his little hissy fit. He hasn't even acknowledged the fact that I am hurt and that's why this is an issue to begin with.
I'm sorry it backfired. But I think that he is probably mostly embarrassed he was caught. But DO NOT let him make you feel like you are in the wrong. You most certainly are not. You saw PORN on his phone and checking to see if it was a fluke thing or is a regular thing is not a bad thing.
Stand your ground. He is wrong. You are not. He needs to buck up and make you feel like his wife. You know, I promise to love, honor and cherish you.... yeah, that part. Not just when you are sexy and can give him what he wants. He needs to follow thru with that promise even now when you are no longer just a piece of meat. Kindly remind him you are his wife, and when he wants to start acting like your husband then YOU'LL gladly start talking to HIM again.
This made me laugh. MH used to, until one site gave his PC a virus, and he had to ask me for help to clean it. He has not looked since. He's afraid of breaking his computer again.
OP, so sorry you have to go through this. The suggestion of a counselor may actually help to get past the "you lied once and said you checked the weather, then came clean a day later" and on to the "you have turned to the internet and choose it over your wife".
So well said...
As a woman who worked in the industry (not as a star but as an editor) ...I can tell you it is a horrible horrible place and I truly believe it is a huge tear down on our society. They have done studies about the increase in violence against women and the increase of male expectations of what sex will really be like since porn became such a widely "accepted" form of entertainment.
Most boys see this stuff years before they are ever in an intimate relationship with a woman and this totally ruins their expectations of what a real woman is like.
NOW...with the issue at hand. I am VERY sorry you are going through this. I read your post yesterday but did not comment...I was so sad for you ...I have spoken and and worked with women in support groups and heard such stories of this same issue (porn) and it is always heartbreaking for me.
I truly hope he calms down and it all works out. This is supposed to be a great and special time for you guys and you have already had to go through some rough parts with having your surgery and all...making it a more complicated time and I really hope he comes around and sees this and just how special you are and can give you all the love and affection you DESERVE!
Wishing you all the best..
I just want to say that it makes me feel so much better just being able to talk about it on here and feel like I'm supported. Thank you all for your responses. I think the May 2012 board is really great and I appreciate that there wasn't any snarkiness and that the focus really stayed on my issue(s) at hand. You ladies are great!
Other than on here, I've only talked to one friend about it since it's pretty personal, and she is on my side, and knows how my husband tends to get defensive when we argue, but doesn't really "get it" completely, as she has never been pregnant and doesn't really get how vulnerable it can make you feel.
I'm tempted to try to talk to him now since it's been a full 24 hours since we've spoken, but I feel like it would probably be best if I didn't. I guess I just get impatient and feel like it's pointless to drag it out. I'm one to resolve issues immediately, not hold grudges.
This. Exactly this. When you are married (and two become one), everything is shared. I hope you can work it out. PP is right, porn is NOT normal and NOT ok. A marital counselor may be the way to go...and there is no shame in that!!
That was a complete overreaction! It sounds like he's embarrassed about you knowing so he's throwing trust in your face. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, I hope he comes to his senses soon.
It feels impossible right now, but try to relax as much as possible while you go through this, for the sake of the baby.
Good luck!
Im so sorry you are going through this. You did the right thing by telling him. Honestly, I think if he is mostly mad because he is embarrased, he would probably be acting the same way if you came clean after you saw the porn right away. I would have been like you. Not said anything and then stewed on it for a while .
He should get over it soon and if he doesnt then he is really not getting what you are upset about and maybe counselling is the right way to go if he just wont listen.
again Im sorry you are dealing with this and I hope it all gets resolved soon.
BIG HUGS...stay strong. Try to keep your stress level down, thats best for baby. Give him a day or so and I bet he'll come around. I think he is probably just embarrased.
Wow. I would be more concerned about this behavior than I would be about the porn at this point.
I will never understand why women marry guys who think it's okay to talk to them like this.
bfp 1 - m/c 1.31.11 @ 10 weeks
bfp 2 - baby born via c-section on 5.4.12 @ 37 weeks
bfp 3 - blighted ovum/d&c on 4.13.13 @ 8 weeks
bfp 4 - 3rd IUI, very late BFN with super low P, c/p
bfp 5 - natural bfp while on lupron, baby born via RCS on 4.27.15 @ 39 weeks
bfp 6 - surprise! baby born via RCS on 11.13.16 @ 38 weeks
I think he's mostly embarrassed at this point. My hubby tends to get really angry (say stupid things) and then admit that he is just embarrassed about how he acted, reacted or that he didn't realize he was making me upset in the first place.
Sometimes the men in our lives just don't know how to deal with honesty--mine says he always wants us to be honest and I am--but then he asks me to "Tone down the bluntness" sometimes.
All will be okay--good luck with crabbypants in the meantime!
I can imagine how angry this must be making you, at first I would have been sad/disappointed but now I'd just be p!ssed. It is his turn to get the cold shoulder now, you have done your part. Maybe just do something for you to lift the stress in the meantime, it'll be best for you and LO and remember, we are all here for you! ((hugs))
I'm sorry! The last thing you need is extra stress.
Maybe he is embarrassed by the fact that he was looking at porn to start??? Maybe thats why he keeps going back to the fact that you looked through the phone? I dunno. I don't understand guys and the whole porn thing.
I haven't read all the responses or the OP so I could be missing something.