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Attachment Parenting
3003girl
member
nursing a toddler in public
3003girl
member
I just read an article about nursing a toddler in public and how it is natural, but many mothers choose to "closet nurse" once their LO turns a certain age.
How do you feel about this? (whether you nurse or not)
My LO is going on 18 months, and I am just beginning to feel weird about nursing her in public. I tend to tell her to wait if we are around people and not wrapped. If she is wrapped, I don't really have a problem with it because no one can really tell. After reading the article I realize that I think I am becoming a closet nurser. : I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I am also realizing that I almost feel more comfortable nursing around strangers than around people I know. hmmm.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: nursing a toddler in public
I don't know that I nursed DD1 in public after 14 mo, I don't think it was a shame thing, just an evolution since 1- she was bigger and I was less hands free so defeats the purpose of being in public 2- she could wait 3- I wasn't engorged so I could wait 4- when we were out to restaurants she would eat with us at the table 4 we had a rough routine so we could go out for stretches between feeds and not worry about it.
I think once LO was 18mo- 2 years we didn't nurse in front of familylike we had with a recieving blanket cover earlier, but I think but that's when we moved closer to family so saw more and I think LO was more distractable so it was easier to go to another room for a few min then return to the crowd.
I don't care how people nurse their kids, and honestly find myself cringing when I see formula bottles for young infants thinking it is a shame they aren't breastfed. But, I do think breastfeeding is an evolving relationship and you have to go with the flow.
Reflecting upon this, I think it is because I am getting a judgey feeling from them. like. "are you still doing that?" type of vibe. They would never say anything, but I get the vibe. Mostly from my sister, actually. She couldn't BF with her two, and she really doesn't understand the BFIng relationship.
With strangers, I just don't care.
I do the same - if she's just hungry or thirsty I try to put if off, but if she's cranky and tired I will nurser her for comfort reasons, for both of us. I'd rather nurse her to get holiday shopping done than have her throw a fit in the store.
I'm a closet nurser (DD is 22 months). I've NIPed only a couple of times after 18 months, both times when she was starving and didn't want the snack food I'd brought with us.
A major issue for me is that DD wants access to both breasts when nursing now. She nurses on one side and plays with the other (she loves to put her bare toes on my nipple -- anyone else's do that?). Do it's next to impossible to be discreet.
With family it's don't ask, don't tell. If I'm asked, I saw yes in an "end of discussion" kind of way. DH's aunt is wonderfully supportive, says that I'm "lucky". My MIL comments on how DD is so healthy, it must be working -- she doesn't get the nursing relationship, but I get the impression she's trying to help by cutting FIL off (he asked repeatedly when I was going to stop, but hasn't asked in a while). Most family seems to be afraid to ask and have their suspicions confirmed.
With friends, it depends on how close I am to them and their attitudes. I'm most comfortable nursing in front of some of them. While we used to talk about nursing pretty openly in public, I find that now we kind of drop our voices. There's definitely a taboo.
I'm pretty much ok with closet nursing. I think that the reality is that I'd run into hostility or judgment, and I don't want that. I love our relationship and don't want to expose it to that.
I actually haven't had to NiP much since 1 year when we went to only nursing evenings and morning. (I stopped pumping and DD got a bottle or two of regular milk, so I would also give her that occasionally when out) Since I work full time and most of my days I am away from her, it just worked out this way. However, one thing has changed which make me a lot more shy: I don't wear nursing tops anymore. I was one of those who always wore really great nursing tops (and I don't need a bra) so I really didn't have to worry about showing skin. Now I always wear clothes with a 'nursing option', i.e. v-necks and flexible bras (for the evening session), so I can nurse, but not discrete. It makes it a lot more complicated and I tend to just say no if DD asks. But I get what you say about being a 'closet nurser', I don't tell many people except people I know would approve. I was recently told that DH's best friend thinks it is *disgusting* that I am still breastfeeding :-( DH had just told in connection with telling a story about DD, not realizing that other people might not approve.
I stopped nursing in public after about 15 months or so, but mostly because he was happy eating food and didn't ask to nurse. He would go hours without at that point, when we were out, as long as I had enough snacks and a sippy cup of water for him. I did nurse him at the zoo and at a restaurant one day when he was probably 18 or 19 months or so, because I think he was overstimulated by our busy day. I can't really remember other occasions like that, but I'm sure there were a few.
I don't think that I was necessarily uncomfortable with it or that I was trying to be a closet nurser, but that he just wasn't as interested during the day when we were out and about.
I don't even remember the last time we nursed in public. Maybe around 18 months. DS son is now 32 months and is still nursing during the day and a couple times at night. We were closet nursers because it was more comfortable for me. He would as me for milk and I would just take him to the other room or car. He never ask me now when we are out. Usually only wants to nurse when we are home, before naps and bedtime. I felt more comfortable nursing in public than with family. MIL seemed so nervous and bothered when I would nurse DS after a year. Now she seems okay and will ask questions.
This. I generally don't care what strangers think. They don't know me and I'd be prepared to argue my right to nurse my DD wherever I want. However, with people I know, I don't even have to actually be in the ACT of nursing to deal with the judgement if they ask whether I still nurse.
That being said, lately I've thought quite a bit about my cut-off for nursing DD in public. She and I have NIP practically everywhere without any issues. Usually, people don't even notice. However, I've been hibernating since it's gotten cold.
Also, I have been really bad and I've guiltily driven to work lately--I know, too much gas consumption, too many cars on the road, poor toddler stuck in the back seat during traffic jams... I used to take the train religiously (https://beltwaybabywearers.blogspot.com/2010/11/babywearing-on-go.html). However, I had a HORRIBLE experience with two women harrasing me on the train last spring when DD was about 18 months old. I was coming home from work; and the train crowded and stuffy. DD was tired,cranky and overwhelmed. No one else even had an idea that I was nursing DD on the train. The women were just being loud, ignorant, busy bodies.
I finally spoke up and they wouldn't back down--I actually ended up kind of getting into an argument with them! Ever since then, I've wondered about when my cut-off will be for NIP.
ETA: We commute to/from daycare/work together daily.
There is no question, I am a closet nurser. But I have, for the most part, always been a closet nurser. In the beginning DS had trouble with my overactive letdown and I literally sprayed everything within two feet - if I used a cover, it would be dripping by the time we got situated. It was far too stressful for me to nurse DS, let alone NIP. Now that he's older he really doesn't ask in public because he's distracted.
I know that my habits don't help promote tolerance of breastfeeding in public, but the important thing for me was nourishing my child, and while I would like to be an advocate, it just wasn't my style in the end.
DD was about 13mo the last time we NIP. I weaned her at 17mo. But not NIP wasn't a problem because she was happy with distractions, food and cups.
DS is 2 and still BFing. The last time I NIP was... well, not that long ago. Probably last month. But people stare less at the toddler in the ergo with the covered head than they do at the screaming toddler who is trying to make everyone's brain explode.
I do feel more awkward now, but I do what I need to do. Usually I can put him off, he can be reasoned with a little bit. But if I really can't leave and he really can't wait, then we do it. It's a bit more awkward probably because he is very big and is often mistaken for a 3yo.
But I don't really feel like a closet nurser. It's just easier to nurse at home. I don't want to nurse all the time. If I can make him happy other ways, then I do it. I think that's just normal. At this point, he wants to NIP only when he's exhausted, so just by avoiding exhaustion (go home earlier, be home for naptime, etc) we avoid NIP.
This has been a really great thread for me. LO is barely 13 months but I nursed her in public at Ikea (right on a floor model bed) last weekend for the first time in months. Since we supplemented I always had bottles and formula with me. I think because she's small for her age I don't really worry about funny looks, she only looks about 9 months so this may not apply to me for awhile.
My family has asked when we're stopping and I give a vague "I'd like to just make it through the winter" and change the subject. My cousin is the only one that nursed and she weaned like clockwork at one year so it will be interesting to see how they take it. Like you all I'm more worried about family and friends than strangers. I'm glad most of my mom friends are like minded.
So thanks for sharing all your experiences, ladies. I'm glad to have read this.
Francesca Pearl is here! Josephine Hope is almost 3!
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Please keep in mind that not every mom who is feeding her baby a formula bottle wants it that way, or is selfish. There are a variety of reasons why some women can't breastfeed. I had a mild stroke after I had DS, and I have to be on a medication that is incompatible with breastfeeding. If you see me feeding him a formula bottle, I'm feeding him the only way I can. The guilt I felt from not being able to breastfeed was completely overwhelming, at first. He's 6 months old now, healthy and well, despite being exclusively formula-fed. Don't judge--you don't know the circumstances that mom might be facing.
I try not to but mainly bc I want her to eat more solids. She is a crappy eater. I usually tell her, no or wait.
When it was her primary form of nutrition I didn't mind feeding her when ever she needed it.
I don't hide that I still nurse her, I just don't share it openly.
I think I stopped nursing DD in public around 16 or 17 months- around the time I got pregnant with DS. She continued nursing until she was 20+ months- I honestly can't pinpoint her last nursing session.
I nursed DS at a friend's house the other day, but I don't really consider that "NIP" - I don't think I would nurse him while say at the park or mall now, but we are flying in a few weeks and I am 99% sure I will end up nursing him on the plane- but that is definitely the exception at this point.
I am really up front and honest about still nursing DS and I am hopeful that we will nurse throughout the winter/cold and flu season, the DDs first non-nursing winter she got sick a lot more than she ever had before.
Little Rose is 2 1/2.
I stopped nursing DD1 in public around 18 months. It was mostly because it made DH comfortable. She still nursed well and didn't get distracted, so I wasn't uncomfortable with it.
DD2 is completely different. Since about 15 months, she will only nurse before bed and during the night. She refuses to nurse before naps. (I think she's figured out I'm trying to get her to sleep.) The last couple weeks she'll occasionally ask to nurse after daycare, but she'll suck for a few seconds, pop off, latch back on, over and over until she ends up biting me and I give up. I'm not comfortable even attempting to nurse her in public like that.
Charlotte Ella 07.16.10
Emmeline Grace 03.27.13
Seriously. STFU.
I didn't nurse Kate in public after about 8 months and I can't remember the last time Caroline NIP, but it's because they were on a pretty reliable schedule by that point. My girls were not flexible kids. They only sleep at home, and they're not snackers, so it's easiest for them to nap, nurse, then go out wherever we're going.
I was hoping that there'd be a poster in this thread whose nursling is older than mine. I also nurse DD whenever she needs. DD isn't incredibly verbal yet, so she hasn't made any big proclamations about when she'll stop. Your DD's statement was hilarious, though.
Thanks for all the input/opinions!
RE: formula - I agree - you shouldn't judge because you have no idea the reasons behind it. My sister didn't breastfeed because she tried and got horrible awful advice and no support from her pedi. He basically told her that she was starving her baby. She didn't know what else to do and didn't have any other support. Ideally a baby should be breastfed, but the reality is sometimes the support is not there or there are medical reasons.
Anyway, I am sure I'm going to BF for a long time at the rate S is going - she shows no signs of stopping. I don't think I'm going to try not to BF in public, but I'll just go with the flow. But we'll see how her schedule goes.
Part of me thinks is good for people to see an older baby/toddler nursing in public. It feels like my whole family thinks it's weird. They aren't giving me a hard time about it, thank goodness, but I feel like if more people were "out" about nursing it wouldn't be such a big deal.
Ugh! C-Charm, I wish I were there so at least you wouldn't have been ganged up on. Some people should have their own shoes crammed in their mouths whenever they open it to speak. So, so sorry you experienced that.
I nurse DD in public a lot, even though she is going through the bob-on-bob-off-the breast-and-keep-exposing-my-nipple phase. I really don't care what other people think, but things like what you wrote above worry me. I am scared of the things people might say or even do. I mean, I can argue my point of view (and I never shy away from doing so - I definetly do not avoid confrontation), but would it be a good experience for my infant daughter to see me arguing with a stranger? I don't know. She has to learn to stand up for herself and what she believes in, yes. But will she be able to understand and learn that at that tender age? Or will she just be scared?
Some people here in Brazil are sexist to the point of saying that women BF to have an opportunity to show their breasts in public. How sick does one have to be to even think of that? Total projection of exhibitionist impulses if you ask me. And I've had my share of encounters with public transport perverts - I don't know a woman here who hasn't -, enough to make me genuinely concerned for our safety. You know, the "you're asking for it" mentality. So disgusting.
It is still early for me to worry (even though she's a big baby, she's still quite obviously a baby, so people don't bother us), and I usually don't see a point in suffering ahead - she may self-wean, for instance, or just dislike NIP - but I can't help but wonder how I will/would react to things like that. I never saw a toddler NIP, so I also don't know what impact it has or how other people react to it.
I hate closeting stuff. But is the risk so great that it would outweigh the benefits of nursing her? Again, I really don't know. I hope not.
Good luck to us all!
Thank you! You are SO right about the argument. I should have said my point succintly and calmy then ignored them. DD should see me stand up for myself (and her) but not get super emotional and riled up over stupid people.
My lesson learned was that I was so completely unprepared to deal with a situation like that. Up until that point, I'd had no reason to think that anyone would object to my nursing DD to the point that they would continue to talk about me SEVERAL metro station stops after I'd finished nursing her. When I say "talk about me" I mean saying loud, rude, ignorant comments about me as if I wasn't there.
At first the car was too crowded for me to gather my things and leave. Plus, I felt like I shouldn't be the one to leave when they were people who had a problem. I eventually decided that if I didn't say anything, this would go on forever (it turns out that we were all getting off at the very last stop). I finally spoke up and it really didn't help. They defended their ignorance and I tried educating them (admittedly with some attitude). Then I got fed up and basically told them that they were being ignorant.
As it continued, I eventually realized that I defeated my original purpose--to make sure that DD was comfortable and attended to. DD was getting more and more agitated. I don't think I handled the situation poorly, but I could have handled it better. It's just that I got so fed up! I'd confidently NIP a million times prior to that so they really threw me.
Ugh! Even though I know that it was an isolated incident that was a horrible day that still bothers me.
Lawdy! This reminds me of an experience I had when Asher was 2.5 months old. I had an old lady comment on how I was giving Asher formula and what a shame. When I told her that he had severe allergies and that his formula was in fact medical food, she told "The only thing wrong with that baby is that you're too lazy to nurse him"