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DH.. favoritism? Help!
Ok so DH and I have been married for just over a year now. Well it was a year on April 30th of this year anyways. He has two kids with his ex, and he did claim his exes first son though it wasn't his. However, he really doesn't seem to want to claim my DD. He always says she's such a bad child and at times has said that she's 'the devil'. This get's me so upset that I don't know what to do.. I end up kicking him out.. but he always ends up turning things around on me.. or RARELY apologizing and saying that he'll try to change and I'll let him come back. We also have a DS together.. I was 7 months pregnant with DS when I married DH and I can see a difference in how he is with DS than how he is with DD.. DD is even to the point that she says she's scared of him (she's 3). She isn't the most well behaved toddler.. and sometimes I wonder if she might have ADHD.. but she is just as sweet as she can be.. I just don't want my DD growing up thinking that her brother or step sister are better or more important.. What should I do.. Oh.. I'm also pregnant again.. Due Aug 9th, 2012 and DH denies he even had anything to do with that... What does this all say to you about him?? I've sometimes wondered if he was with me for love or if it was only for the perks (truck, heat, air, that kinda thing). I can't help but feel like he doesn't want to be here.. He even took off somewhere tonight cause our DS was crying and he didn't want to hear it.. and has called me a bad mother from time to time cause I can't always get him to stop crying immediately.. and sometimes accuses me of MAKING him cry... I'm so confused.. Thanks for reading. Advice is greatly appreciated. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: DH.. favoritism? Help!
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
MUD
Ditto. Except it sounds like HE should be kicked out, if you're the one providing the "perks."
There are just so many issues here. One issue alone could be workable, but at the core, I think you've said it: he doesn't want to be there, he just wants the truck, heat, air, etc.
You'll feel so much better about yourself and your parenting once he is out of your house. He sounds like a complete drain on your finances, emotions and self-esteem.
You might consider adoption for your third? Bringing another baby into your life when you're going to be transitioning to a single parent might be a lot to handle.
Um, you post at 11:40pm and expect responses immediately? OK.....
This sounds like a horrible situation and I can't believe you have to ask whether or not you should get out.
No.. my DD isn't his. I got pregnant with DS two months after we started dating (before we got married) and he was ALOT better then. He got worse after DS was born... so it's been a back and forth thing for a little bit.. How I got pregnant with the one I'm carrying is that he used that as a way for me to take him back.. he promised he'd change.. again. And I want to have another baby so badly to complete my family.. for me. He could care less it seems it's all about his first born which is my SD. I've been a single mother until DD was 18 months old.. and I was a single mother for the most part when I made DH leave for 2 months.. I'm the only one taking care of our kids. He's gone all day anyway. Comes in to eat, shower, sleep.. and yell at DD and sometimes DS. And sometimes he doesn't even stay to sleep.. he gets mad and leaves. He never did come back last night. I know I can take care of my family without him.. this baby I'm carrying included, hell I'm practically taking care of DH.... and I believe you're right.. I can't leave so fast... not with the kid. I'd have to make arrangements. And HE won't leave.... and some people try to make me feel bad about wanting him to leave cause he doesn't have heat in his trailer and it's winter time.
No... it's just that every time I refreshed the page there were more views but not replies.
I'd make it as fast as possible, otherwise he may trick you again into staying with him.
No.. his trailer is where he lived before we got married. He's still making payments to buy it.. and the place is a total complete dump. I refused to take my kids there. He always talks of fixing it up but he never actually does. It has no heat, no air, no running water, no electricity... and even if it had all those things.. it still doesn't have a usable restroom. There are roaches and rats everywhere.. and it smells bad and the whole place is already very much into the process of ruin/decay. But he's the one who insisted on buying it.. and for some reason I guess he thinks it's better than hearing DS cry at night.. and the funny thing is that I can alway get DS to sleep after DH leaves.. cause I can do things my way without DH yelling at me. Also, since DH is gone so much part of DS's problem is that he just wants to play with DH.. DH got mad one night cause DS wouldn't stop crying for that reason and punched the bathroom door with DS standing right in front of it.
I know it's bad.. thats why I'm asking for some kind of advice.. is it too far gone to be saved.. I just want to be certain.. and how do I make him leave?? He's all buddy buddy with my landlords.. so they said he could stay.
What are the terms of your lease?
This. I don't know why anyone would put up with that!?
I'm renting from my former foster parents. They're major christians and don't believe in divorce or anything like that. Besides when he's around them he's a totally different person.. (they bought the truck he drives) and he doesn't want them to know how he really is. I try talking to them about it but nothing works... I'm trying to find another place.. but it's hard to find a place that meets my needs that's available. I just feel stuck.. but why would a man ONLY act like he really loves his daughter over his son.. Is it just favoring girls.... or is it that he still has feelings for her mom?? They were together off and on for 10 years.. and I've only even known him for 2 years. I don't know.. but I feel stuck right now.
It doesn't matter WHY he's doing what he's doing. He's being unkind to you and the kids. It sounds like you both have one foot out the door, and you just need to find a way out before things get any worse.
When I'm feeling stuck or overwhelmed, what works the best for me is making a list of very small and specific things to do. Then I just kind of go down the list and get through as much as I can.
Most attorneys will provide you with a free consultation. Make some phone calls and find one (or more) who will meet with you. In the meantime, make copies of all your financial paperwork (tax returns, pay stubs, loan papers, basically anything that addresses your assets and liabilities), and find a child support calculator for your state. Work on a budget, and try to figure out what would need to do to make it on your own. If you will need government assistance, take steps to figure out exactly what you will need to do.
Is there anyone who would help you out while you get back on your feet a little bit? Even if it's just for a month or six weeks?
Thanks for all the advice!! I really like the idea of starting with a small list. I can't wait til it's just me and the kids to be honest.. That way I'll feel better and stronger. I LOVE the kind of mother I'm capable of being when I don't have him around but he's always getting on my case for inconveniencing him. I just want it to be just us in our own little house/apartment. That would be like Heaven compared to this.. of course it will take some adjusting for the kids.. but that's normal. The most important thing is that we'll be together.. and happier.. and in a better environment.
It kills me how people just put stuff out there. Do you even understand the MANY issues that can come from a decision like that? Have you ever talked to someone who found out that their birth parents were married, had children, then gave THEM up cause either it was one too many children in the home or mom and dad werent getting along so last baby had to go.
It's not the same as being a teenager or single woman and finding yourself pregnant and you have no financial stability. That kind of adoption is a whole nother ballgame and not to just be taken lightly or thrown out there cause she's married to a grown child who needs to grow up.
Please be responsible with your advice people!
I still say MUD.
I would change the locks. Tell your parents that until he agrees to some counseling that you two can't live together. You don't have to go so far as divorcing if that's going to make them kick you to the curb. The Church may not favor divorce, but nowhere in the Bible does it state "thou shalt live with thy douchey husband even when he acts like a donkey's butt".
I would suggest trying counseling. Not because I think it will save you two as a couple, I'm sorry to say, but hopefully it will convince you that you don't deserve to live this way. And hopefully things can end as peacefully as possible.
And placing a child for adoption wouldn't be? I get sooo annoyed when people seem to throw adoption out there like its a simple solution because it's not.
I'm not responding to the rest of this thread. I get the feeling it's MUD but on that off chance it's not I wouldn't be as nice as the rest of the posts.
wait wait wait wait.....While I don't think that being a single parent or going through a divorce b/c of an abusive spouse is a reason for giving your child up for adoption..I completely agree with you, you want the baby you keep the baby.. It is yours..
That doesn't mean that a birthmother doesn't lover their child before they are even born.. "Besides.. I fall in love with my children before they're even born. Just feeling them respond to me when I talk to them and I'm wrapped around their little fingers.
" Birth mothers place their child for adoption because they love them so much that they want the best possible life for that baby. It is an act of love that I can not comprehend, it is an amazing show of undying unselfish love.
On another note, someone said they weren't going to be nice if they posted, don't take this wrong please. But if he treats your DD like crap then it is YOUR responsibility to advocate for her. It doesn't matter how much she misbehaves or how hyper she is, she is not a devil and doesn't desearve to be called that. At all.
Your little girl is 3 she is hyper because she is THREE not because of ADHD (even if she has it) three year olds are balls of energy and badness that are a force to be recconed with. That is what they do.
You said you were abused by a family member....well allowing your DD to be treated inferior to her own brother IS a type of abuse. It isn't molest but it will hurt her just the same. She didn't ask you to provide her with a daddy, she loved you single or not and now she is being forced to be treated terribly, you should put all else aside.
Who cares where he goes, you said he isn't even claiming the lo you are carrying so why should you want him, he is basically saying that you slept around while married and that should hurt your feelings. So he doesn't have heat or water he is a grown up and he can get a job your baby girl and new baby can't leave you are all they have and it is up to you to fix it. Think about your DD not him.
Thanks alot!! This has been the most helpful post yet.. and I am working on getting out..
Also.. I didn't mean that mothers that give their kids up for adoption don't love their baby... I just meant that I couldn't bear to do it. And I can't fathom giving up this baby when I have my first two and am taking care of my first two and I have it in me to take care of another child.. TO ME it would make me feel like I'd be sending a message to the child that they weren't good enough.. I'm not saying thats how it is.. but that's how it would make me feel.. I can't choose between my kids.. I can't keep my kids and give my kids little sister/brother (really feel strongly its a girl) away.. I can't and won't... and I don't think DD would let me 
. She's been helping me with names. 
Thanks so much to everyone.. I wasn't certain if I was being unrealistic or not cause I've been with him for so long.. and it seems that everyone has problems.. but what I know is that hubby is not going to change... I think it's how he was raised... (hispanic). They're not all like that... but my DD's father was like that and so is DH. He wasn't like this when I married him.. I don't go around looking for horrible men.. but he changed after we got married... Anyway, thanks.. You've helped me figure out exactly what I need to do... as I said to a PP .. I really like the 'making a list' idea. 
Really, Saran????
I don't see that it's a bad option for someone who is allowing themselves and their children to be in an abusive home.
Did you read all of the OP's posts? Have you ever read any of mine?
Of course I know people who have been adopted, even after they were more than a few days old.
She's not married to a "child." A man-child is one who plays video games instead of washing dishes. Children are NOT abusive. This man is abusive. Verbally, emotionally, and, I'd guess physically but OP is too defensive to put that out here since she knows she'd be judged.
Just because she's married and has kids does not mean she's financially stable. She listed "heat" as a "perk." To me, that reads like finances are beyond tight.
And, I'd hope the OP is not taking anything about her situation lightly, even her consideration of advice from a message board.
Hello?? I said I was getting out.. and I'm not putting my baby up for adoption..
It's entirely your choice, but, well, I think if you were going to get out, you'd have done it by now.
I have to make arrangements.. but my mind is made.. and I've already left a message with two of my aunts. I can't just go with nowhere to go.. but I txt DH and told him to stay at his trailer.. he said he didn't wanna come home anyway cause he was hunting... and that's for the best considering my kids are in bed. It's 12am. Some people may be able to leave without knowing where they're going.. but I can't. I NEED some sort of stability.. and I believe that's also very important for the kids.
You NEED stability?? See, that's just one more thing that makes all this hard for me to even read. If you so desperately need stability - what in the heck drew you to this guy any way? Because he's certainly not stable.
If this is not made up drama to play the board, this is what you should do.
1. After having this child - get fixed or get back on birth control. You should not reproduce until you do have stability with a decent respectful man. And you certainly don't need to reproduce with this man anymore.
2. Get to a lawyer immediately that understands and knows the laws of divorcing someone who is abusive. They can assist you in taking the necessary steps to protect you and your children.
3. File for divorce and get the hell out of that relationship.
4. What's important for the kids is that they are away from the abuse. It doesn't matter if that's a shelter, or an overnight stay at a friend's or family's home.
I'm sorry if I sound very annoyed, but I have a step daughter that is in a similar situation and I am tired of her going back and forth to an abusive sackofshit man who kicks her and her (their) baby out on the street every other month. It gets old. We told her the same thing. She needs to quit playing this ridiculous game of "it's over - no wait, we love each other". It gets old and exhausting to those that have to watch it and have to deal with it. So this is a no brainer to me. Get a game plan together and get the hell out of that relationship. Period. If you can not figure out that you need to leave and seek help from a lawyer or abuse hotline or a shelter and we have to keep repeating that to you - then we can't help you.
My last bit of advice: Google and call the Domestic Violence Hotline number. They are a great help and can help you find resources and guide you thru the process.
You posted at 12:40am and got annoyed by 1 something am that no one replied? You need to get a grip.
As for your ass of a DH, any man that called my child the devil and did not like her would not be around her. Cut your loses and figure out custody of your son. I sure wish people would think twice before procreating.
If you are so familiar with my life - actually it's really SD's life - then you wouldn't have to ask what you need to do. I've been painfully clear what my SD should do, and sadly your life sounds a lot like hers. And as you may know from my posts about her situation, I have LITTLE patience for people who stay in bad situations and then want to cry about it and make all these excuses. Sorry. My story here should be a wake up call to you. I have given another perspective of what other people in your life and SD's life are thinking if you stay and continue to have babies and continue to stay with this man are thinking and it's get a grip on yourself and your life and get a backbone. Not just for yourself, but most of all for your kids. They are innocent in this and you will only foster more crap and people to carry on this behavior in this world if you don't. This is no brainer. GET THE "F" OUT and leave this bottom feeder of a husband behind you.
These women on this board do not have degree's in psycology (that I'm aware of) so please get your family in family counseling asap. To PP, adoption is a great option for alot of people but it is not the answer in ALL cases so just throwing adoption out there is ignorant if you have no experience in the matter. I was discussing you with my husband who has his PhD is psycotherapy and counsels people in your position all the time. A therapist and ONLY a therapist should be giving you THAT kind of advice!
Well, maybe you can find someone to advise you regarding your reading comprehension. Suggesting that the OP consider her options is not the same as advising her what to do, unless you're saying I shouldn't advise her to consider things? Furthermore, the OP said she's already judged adoption as better than abortion, meaning she has already considered adoption in one way or another.
I also give a little bit of a side eye to someone whose husband has a PhD in psychotherapy but she cannot seem to correctly put together the letters "p-s-y-c-h" even after multiple attempts?...
Look, b--ch, I refuse to spell check on a message board. I type very fast and it is what it is. What you dont want to do, is f--ck with me tonight! I do not have time for your "spell check is your friend" speech. It is what it is, so I suggest you step the F---k off! You want to act simple with me, and it will not be fun for you around here. Promise you that. So mind your business. Better yet, go do something constructive but do not talk to me.
Maybe your H can help you with your rage.
Maybe you can take my advice and walk away before you get your feelings hurt up in here. Stop talking to me. And if you need that put in another language so you understand, please let me know.