The Phantom Menace (loss mentioned)...

lady_chance_99 · December 2011

So as most of you probably know I got my first BFP last month. My first beta came back low, my second beta only went up 50%, my third beta was a great double, my fourth went DOWN, and finally I was informed I was going to lose this pregnancy. They have been monitoring my betas ever since and yesterday I went in for another beta draw and a cd3 bloodwork, because if my beta was back to zero we were going to cycle. It was at 27 before yesterday's draw and had dropped so significantly (not to mention that with all the bleeding/clotting I have been going through) that I was sure that dropping another 27pts in three days wasn't going to be a problem. I got the call yesterday afternoon- I am at 20. My beta dropped a measely 7pts in three days. Which means that we officially will not get to cycle again until January.

I was so angry. I was so frustrated. I got caught up in how unfair this is- to have waited years for a BFP and finally get it only to lose it a week later, but still not get to move on, and have a chance of bringing home the baby we have been working towards... It was just all too much for me to handle so I just broke down in tears. I just can't understand why I was allowed to get pregnant but not keep it, nor do I understand why my body can't just do what it is supposed to and drop the beta to zero so I can try to move on! That's what this is really about for me, moving on. I can't reconsile what happened with myself until I get to move on and try again and my body is making that process impossible to do at the moment. I feel so angry about it and have actually caught myself asking my own body why it is trying to hold on to this so tightly when obviously that's not what it wanted to do in the first place or I would still be pregnant...

So, because of all this beta hell that we continue to go through my husband jokingly nicknamed this pregnancy "The Phantom Menace" right after the Star Wars film and momentarily I can not think of a better or more fitting name. I genuinely feel like I am being pushed around by a phantom menace... So, anyhow- if you have read all the way through this post, props should definately be given. I apologize for the rambling vent but I just needed to get this off my chest to people who might understand where I am coming from... Thanks ladies and I hope every single one of you lots and lots of good luck!

Aegis2005 · December 2011

(((hugs))) Unfortunately I know too well how much it sucks to have that glimmer of hope and that have it gone. For me the healing couldn't begin until the bleeding stopped and the beta was "back to normal". Sending T&P's that your body gets back to normal soon.

AmCheri · December 2011

Hugs. I understand where you're coming from -- wish I didn't. Love the Phantom Menace. My hubby will appreciate that, too.

My first beta check is this Wednesday and I'm dreading it. I was at 1000 just a few days ago and still no bleeding I feel like crap, my back is hurting, I'm getting random cramping and I just need this to be over with so we can move on. I want to concentrate on the next cycle, but right now it's impossible to do while I suffer through the physical loss. Crap.

Lots of sadness, anger, frustration, despair and the random bout of humor just to try to deal. Yesterday was a weird day. I stayed home for three days in a row following the news. I was feeling pretty good so I thought being out and about would help. Instead, being in the real world made it worse and I kept trying to hold back the tears all day. Just wanted to go home.

Obviously, I have no comforting words. Just wanted to tell you that you're not alone and I'm really sorry you're going through this.

lady_chance_99 · December 2011

Aegis2005~ I am the same way about the healing starting once the beta was back to normal and the bleeding stops, but at least if I had a normal beta I could have looked forward to the bleeding stopping and moving on... Istarted with the RE in May and STILL haven't done a medicated cycle because of one thing after another and now it looks like even more waiting! I think my husband said it best when he said: "This will always haunt us until we have a baby in arms to wipe that memory away. It may not always be in the forefront of our minds but it will always be back there lingering until we are made full again..." Thank you for listening and thank you for your T&P's. Best of luck to you.

lady_chance_99 · December 2011

Amcheri~ I wish you didn't understand where I was at either, even though its nice to know someone is in the trenches with me. My husband has since decided that we are going to go through all the Star Wars films in pregnancy since we want a big family... looks like "Attack of the Clones" is next- sounds like an eventful next pregnancy! lol

I didn't start really bleeding until after all the pain and cramping was done. For a few days it was really intense and I just kept waiting for the bleeding, but once the pain had pretty much gone thats when the bleeding finally started. I completely sympathize with just begging for it to be over.

I also understand your issue with being out in the world afterwards... I had class on Friday night and a woman in my class who is about as bright as a box of rocks walks up to me randomly and asks me if I am pregnant. I started fighting tears to the max so with a wall of water in front of my eyes, my face turning red, and my lip trying to tremble I felt that I needed to explain myself to this woman. I explain what happened in general terms and then she walked away. I thought that was going to be the end of it except that then from across the classroom she says; "That happened to a friend of mine, it was really sad! But then her husband died like a month later and so she realized that if she hadn't miscarried that she would have had to raise that baby on her own..." This was the end of her story. Was this supposed to inspire me?! So what? I miscarried because my husband is going to die?! Thanks for telling me... ugh.

I am heartbroken for myself and heart broken even more for you, I wouldn't wish this on anyone and the fact that it happens to the women on this board who have already been through so much kind of make me sick. Please feel better and know that I think of you often.

AmCheri · December 2011

Thanks for telling me about your experience. It helps to know. I told my husband about Attack of the Clones, too. That was his favorite. Do you do stocking stuffers for each other by any chance? ThinkGeek has light saber chopsticks. I got my husband some last year. A fun little thing.

I cannot believe what that woman said to you. Seriously, I would have been inclined to chase her down and punch her. How terribly insensitive, not to mention just plain stupid. I don't know if you're a talker or not, but I am. And it's counterintuitive for me to not tell people about what we're going through. But I'm keeping it private because I don't want to create a situation which will be upsetting. Whether the person reacts with kindness or stupidity, just talking about it is hard.

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. My productivity is suffering something fierce. Thankfully, I can sit in my office with the door closed.

Any time you want to talk, I'm here. Aegis has been great, too. JillyChris and Sarahtoledo come to mind also as they've rejoined us recently, too. So many women here are either now or have been in the same place. Sad. But being able to talk to women who understand, even if anonymously, is priceless.

I'm impressed by your sense of humor and your husband's too. It can only be helpful. We've had our moments too that have been borderline inappropriate, but I guess it's just a way of coping.

Hang in there and believe in happier days ahead. I'll look forward to hearing about everyone's next cycle. I'm excited for us ladies!

cad828 · December 2011

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through this. I also know exactly how you are feeling. I also experienced a loss recently. I went through so many emotions - sadness, anger & hopelessness. I went almost two weeks where I would cry every day & ask "why did this happen", why did I finally get pregnant after so long only to have it taken away from me? I didn't start to heal until after I had my D&C and after my betas were normal. Unfortunately I didn't miscarry on my own & that was the hardest part for me. I wanted it to happen naturally. I am still working through my emotions, I still have bad days but they are less frequent. I am also starting to feel hopeful again. I wish these things for you. Big hugs!!!!!

Ruthie04 · December 2011

I'm so sorry you are going through this! My loss was 13 months ago, but I vividly remember sobbing and yelling, "get it out, get it out." I had never considered the possibility that a miscarriage could take days or weeks to resolve. I hated those weekly beta draws. Sending lots of T's and P's that your HCG drops to 0 by the next beta. I also understand the desire to move on. I think it is one of the only things that can keep women going during this grief. IF and loss are each devastating to experience, but together...they are nearly unbearable. It's so unfair.Sending you a big hug and prayers for lots of comfort.

theworms · December 2011

i'm so sorry cutie, it just sucks

((HUGS))

sadly, betas can take forever to drop to 0

MandaS08 · December 2011

I am so sorry you (and all the women on this post) have had to deal with this! Both of my miscarriages have had "beta hell"- I am hoping my blood draw on Wed shows it back to zero. I know the frustration of feeling like your body can't do anything right. First I was able to get pregnant but not stay pregnant. Then I couldn't even miscarry right! This time around I couldn't get pregnant, finally did and once again couldn't stay pregnant. Now it's been a month waiting for my betas to drop, keeping us from moving forward. Huge hugs! You will get there!

sarahtoledo · December 2011

AmCheri:
Hugs. I understand where you're coming from -- wish I didn't. Love the Phantom Menace. My hubby will appreciate that, too.
My first beta check is this Wednesday and I'm dreading it. I was at 1000 just a few days ago and still no bleeding I feel like crap, my back is hurting, I'm getting random cramping and I just need this to be over with so we can move on. I want to concentrate on the next cycle, but right now it's impossible to do while I suffer through the physical loss. Crap.
Lots of sadness, anger, frustration, despair and the random bout of humor just to try to deal. Yesterday was a weird day. I stayed home for three days in a row following the news. I was feeling pretty good so I thought being out and about would help. Instead, being in the real world made it worse and I kept trying to hold back the tears all day. Just wanted to go home.
Obviously, I have no comforting words. Just wanted to tell you that you're not alone and I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I'm so sorry, both of you.

I went from 880 or so, to 54 in four days, before any serious bleeding. I have a beta draw this week and have no clue what's going to happen. It sucks.

If we have to go through c/p or m/c, can't it just hurry up and get over with? That is one of the worst parts -- the dragging on. The Phantom Menace is the perfect name for it.

(((hugs))) for all of you going through this.

XV11Star · December 2011

I don't have experience with this, but my heart breaks reading these posts. I am so sorry for all of you to have to go through this triple threat of IF, loss and dragged out torture. It's just incredibly cruel. :'(

kisha16 · December 2011

So sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I know how you feel. Big hugs. I hope you start to feel better soon.

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