- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
2nd Trimester
i cant tell if i'm just being hormonal??
k, i really hate to have to get serious here, but i honestly cant tell if i'm upset because i'm hormonal or if i have a real reason to be upset. ok, here it goes.
when my husband and i get into arguments, he always calls his friend Ben and tells him about it. only he doesnt just tell him about the problem, because he never listens to find out the problem and just takes it as me yelling at him, so he i know this is about what he says: "she's such a ***. i do everything for her and its never good enough. she's such a ***. blah blah blah" i have never thought much about it, becuase i jsut figured that it was angry talk.
well the other day, his friend, Ben out of nowhere started texting me, telling all this harrassing things, like i'm and "evil *** who turned my husband into a spineless wimp" i just blew it off. told him he was hurting his friend and their relationship. i told him i wasnt going to tell my husband about it, because he didnt need the stress and he didnt need to have his feelings hurt by such a low life,but then he said he was gong to tell him anyway.
so that night, when my husband got home, i told him. i glossed over alot and told him i wasnt mad about it, jus thought his friend thought he was defending him. so the next day, they worked together, and i even though i kinda sugar coated it, i expect my husband to confront his friend on some level. HE DIDNT! he didnt say anything to him about it other than that i told him about it. nothing. i atleast thought he would ask him about it.
so now that i'm a bit upset about him not defending me, i started to think more about it, then my feelings got hurt more because i realized that my husband calls me names behind my back and doesnt see whats wrong with it. he says that i talk bad about him, i said, "no. i talk to my friend about our problems.. whatever the specific problem is, i have to talk to someone else,l because if i try to talk to you, you get defensive, mad and go off and call me a ***!" i see this as a huge difference. i have never put him down, called him names or insulted him.
so my questions: 1. do i have a right to be upset because he didnt confront his friend about sending harrassing text messages to his PREGNANT wife?
2. do i have a right to be upset that he gets mad at me and calls me names behind my back to his friend?
also, this is kind of my thinking right now.. i was willing to let this jerk *** talk to me and pretend it didnt happen for the sake of my husbands feelings, but why should i discount my feelings when he obviously doesnt care about mine when he results to insulting me. (in my opinion, is the lowest form of communication).
k, looking forward to your objective opinion. thanks!
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Re: i cant tell if i'm just being hormonal??
i always just sort of wrote it as one of those things people say when you are angry and i didnt read much into, until now that i'm confronted from a thrid party with it. it has made me realize the extent of it. i told my husdand that, "he created this monster." and he didnt see how...that was when i really started to put thought into it.
<!--[if gte mso 9]> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" NaIn a marriage, running to others is not the way to solve a problem. That is what kids do in high school. The only time I have ever talked about my marriage to anyone else is once or twice with my Mother, when I needed to calmly talk something through that was on my mind.
I would have an open, frank discussion as to why he feels the need to spew his anger at another person. Sounds like you both need to get control of your fights, calm them down, and bring them back to a practical level where things are not spinning out of control.
Clearly this friend thinks you are a horrible person because he only hears your husband's angry rants. That really needs to stop. And it was way out of line for this friend to go behind your husband's back and speak to you that way. I would HOPE my husband would not stand for something like that.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you, but I feel like you need to share your feelings with him honestly and in a calm manner, where it doesn't turn into a screaming match. Right now it seems as though it is your husband and his friend against you, and that is not the recipe for a happy marriage.
Good luck and take care.
1. Do you have a right to be upset at your husband for not defending you?: Fvck yes you do. You have the right to be mad as hell. That's his job, to defend you, especially when its one of his friends attacking you. A one liner, such as "if you ever talk to my fvcking wife like that again, you can go ahead and forget my number" would have done just fine, regardless of if you sugar coated it or not.
2.Do you have a right to be mad at DH for bad-mouthing you to his friends? Fvck yes even more. He should never bring other people into your personal arguments. DH and I don't even discuss our fights with our families because we know that in an hour when we are over it, they probably won't be because we made the situation look like it was all the other person's fault. Biased advice is toxic.
Would I care about his friend's feelings? Negative, ghost rider. Neither man is showing you any respect....therefore they do not deserve yours in return.
I really want to judi-chop your husband in the neck on your account right now. He's being so childish. Remind him that his job as your husband is to protect and defend you...and he is failing at that.
1. Absolutely! Pregnant or not, his friend has no right to confront you. He's not a part of your marriage and has no say regarding what goes on between you and your husband. Your husband should've seen that as a huge red flag within his friendship and spoke with him about it, emphasizing that he's never to contact you in that manner ever again.
2. Yes x100. Your real problem is your husband and not his friend. Clearly you two don't communicate well with one another and that is the main issue. He seems to act like a petulant child, reverting back to something similar to a "high school" display of talking sh*t behind someone's back. You can't do that in a marriage. Again, your marriage is between you and your husband. No one else, not even family, should be brought into your personal arguments.
I can't get the ticker to work, but I have two sons:
Baby RJ, born 1/25/2014
Formerly Twilightmv
EXACTLY! Why are you more concerned with him defending you to a third party that isn't even family when you don't even bother to defend yourself when your own husband calls you names? That's messed up. Ground rule #1: you are supposed to be the most important person in each other's life. It's okay to disagree sometimes but namecalling is unacceptable.
I think you need to have a serious discussion with your husband. In no way shape or form is it okay for him to call his buddies and call you names like that. Sure husbands might complain to their friends that they didn't want to do the dishes or whatever, but calling you names is unacceptable. You have every right to be angry with him and you need to stick up for yourself and he needs to stick up for you to his friends.
The friend is annoying and out of line, but your problem is really with your DH. IMO, its unacceptable for him to be trashing you to his friend, and points to a deeper problem.
Make a pregnancy ticker
thanks so much everyone!! i know we have communication problems.. i have always known that and i've been trying so hard to get through, but it just doesnt work. this is a normal cycle:
he over spends every week. so this is a constant frustration for me, so this is what i do.
first, after i do the bills and realize, yet again i will have to make up the deficiet with savings, i sit down with him and say, "ok. we really need to tighten our belts. we are just spending way too much money and we have to get control." (i say WE so that i dont come off as attacking him and his habits) so he "agrees" but i think he's just not really listening and then pacifying me.
then as soon as he gets paid again, he goes behind my back, lies about how much he spends and on what, makes excuses.. so i just pretend not to notice because i dont want to fight. i drop hints, ask questions, restate that we are broke and only have one income, remind him of expenses that are coming up in the week. he says, "i know." so i leave it alone.
then when those upcoming expenses cant be paid because he has no more money, and then i ask him, i tell him i want to know where that money went since the last time i asked.. he makes up more lies, excuses, ect. then i get REALLY PISSED! and i admit, i lose my temper and i yell and interrogate him, because he lies, so i literally have to cross examine him to get an answer. but i have never insulted him or called him names.. he gets defensive and says things like, "i know i'm a piece of ***! i'm not perfect like you. i'm not like you!" and the last time, i finally said, "this is not about you or me being perfect, this is about us agreeing on something and you not holding up your end of the bargain! and i have NEVER said you were a piece of ***, you said that!" he throws out every footrub he has ever given me, or that he gets me something to drink as how he 'does everything to make me happy'
then he threatens to leave me, because "i'm a crazy ***" and then goes to his friends house, talks *** about me and his friend agrees because he only hears one side of the story (the side that never takes responsibility). comes home and makes promises that he never keeps, says all he wants is to make me happy, how he has given up everything for me, he loves me, things will get better, he is going to change, he's not going to disapoint me anymore... blah blah blah.
all i ever wanted was respect, honesty, trust from someone who can take care of himself. someone that is intelligent enough to know to if he has 7 days left until he gets paid and the gas light is on in his car and he has $25.. dont spend $20 on lunch and expect that $5 will in gas will get him through the week! its not rocket science. i dont think its that much to expect.. but he acts like i expect the world from him.
i'm just tired! i'm doing my very best to get through this semester.. i'm falling behind in my classes, i have zero social life, my tooth is infected, my car blew up and my savings are gone (because my husband could not control his spending) and i'm just too tired to fight anymore, i'm tired of trying to solve all of our problems on my own.
and yes, i talk to my mother about our problems, but thats because i'm desparetly seeking a resolution, i'm not a person who cries about problems, i solve them. obviously, i cant do this with him, because as you can see be the cycle.. i just give up, there are only 2 choices with him.. pretend everything is cool and shoulder the burden myself or tell him how i feel and try to get him involved and then get in a fight.. either way, nothing ever changes. and now i feel like i'm stuck because i didnt protect myself! i'm pregnant, no job, no money, no car.. i'm completely dependant on him right now. he has taken on a second job and he sold his guitar to put gas in the car (but why shouldnt he? he's the one who spent the gas money in the first place) he is making some efforts to change things, but i kind of feel like its too little, too late, he's just let me down too many times and now all this with his friend, its the ICING ON THE CAKE. it very much feels like its him and his friend against me!!!
i feel liek i woke up today and realized that i dont have a relationship. i cant count on him to follow through, to make decisions that benifit his family (only himself), i cant express my feelings without him getting defensive and angry, he talks bad about me, he doesnt defend me or protect me, he lies to me. whats the point?
Oh, dear. These problems are deeper than I thought.
There are so many red flags in the comment above...I worry for you.
I think it's natural to want/need a person other than your spouse to talk to about problems in your marriage. Anyone who acts like they've never done it is probably not being totally honest with themselves.
However, there's a big difference between reaching out to a friend for support and advice and calling up a buddy to berate your spouse and call them names.
I think you have a right to be upset because of the way your husband is going about trying to get support...not the fact that he's doing it in general.
Edit: After reading your second post...yikes!! You both need a serious lesson in communication. I think some counseling would do you both a world of good. Your little on is going to eventually pick up on that pattern of blatant disrespect for each other and it won't be a happy situation for anyone.
I'm curious to hear what your husband's reaction was when you actually brought up the topic of discussing problems with friends vs. namecalling. Did he understand the difference?
Also, do you not have your finances jointly? I might sneak fast food every once in awhile, but neither of us feel like we are truly hiding anything, because we have access to things together. Granted, his spending has to be immediately regined in. Try a cash household for a month, maybe? Money goes into envelopes for bills as soon as paycheck comes in, then only the "fun money" envelope gets used for...whatever. If those ends just can't meet, maybe it's time to think about a part-time or work-from-home opportunity, at least temporarily.
Having a healthy place to vent, an intelligent and compassionate friend who appreciates your marriage as much as each of you individually, can be a good thing, but that's not what this is, and I'm placing that blame on husband. If one of my girlfriends told me day in and out that her husband was evil, I would eventually begin to wonder if some action is required on my part, too. This friend obviously cares about your husband, so he needs to make friend understand that his ranting doesn't mean he doesn't still love you and want a long, happy future with you. My husband generally goes and exerts himself physically when he's upset, and that probably prevents drama that would come from emotions that are raw and fresh. Also keeps me coming to the gun show.
i said those exact words when i told him that he created this monster! and he didnt see the difference.. and made excuses, saying that he has heard me on the phone talking bad about him. no he has heard me on the phone crying to my mother, because i had no car or savings and my husband didnt see this as a big deal.
If I were you, I'd find a counselor ASAP. If your husband doesn't agree to go with, it shows that he's not willing to put the effort into fixing the problems in your relationship, making it a lost cause. You and your child deserve better than that.
Yeah, then this is where I'd be headed, too. There are deep-rooted self-esteem issues that will poison everything if they aren't resolved, and sooner rather than later.
If $ is a problem, remember that a good pastor is generally free.
i know! thats whats so frustrating! i have tried to address each one, individually, so that it doesnt seem like i'm attacking him and dumping a giant load on him, and find a resolution so that we can move passed it. but nothing ever really changes.now it has just piled upso far, i dont even know where to begin or to end. and now with all of this and his friend, the fact that he didnt even feel the need to ask him what happened or to address it with him AT ALL, it just shows that he doesnt even have the basic instinct to protect me and doesnt see it as wrong at all. i feel like, if he and his friend think i'm such a ***, then he can just go live with his friend and leave me the hell alone, because i know that once i get back on my feet and my internship is done, i'm graduated, the baby is here and i go to work in my new career, i'd be better off financially with out him.
I can't get the ticker to work, but I have two sons:
Baby RJ, born 1/25/2014
Formerly Twilightmv
There's a whole lot there that is worrisome, but I'm just going to touch on the two things I bolded.
1) Putting himself down isn't a sign of low self-esteem or an act of remorse. It's a very manipulative way of getting you to stop attacking him. I haven't had a romantic relationship of this kind, but I dealt with that sh!t all the time from a family member who would constantly screw up and then make us feel sorry for him. When you confront him, don't let him turn the conversation into one where you end up defending him from himself.
2) My heart is breaking for you right now. Does your family live in the area and would it be possible to stay with them for a little bit so you can figure stuff out without your husband around? It's really a shame that counseling can be cost-prohibitive, but if it's at all possible I would recommend finding someone (you're a student? maybe an on campus option) to hash this out with. I'd say it's better that your husband not go to counseling with you.
i just feel like, with all the other problems, the fact that he did was not even bothered enough about his friend texting me about OUR problems (is if he has some stake in our marriage) to ask or question him about it.. its just proof that he's not my partner. that the problems will never be solved because he doesnt see why he has to solve them, because doesnt see himself as my partner.
i dont even know if i want to go to councelling, right now i'm so tired of fighting for this to work. i feel like, any effort is wasted because he isnt on my side anyway. i just want to give up and wallow in my missery. i thought of just leaving, but were would i go? how would i get to school? what about my dogs? where will i get money?
i told him last night that i had no more fight left and if he didnt want to hear my feelings not to bother to ask whats wrong, just to leave me alone to be unhappy and i will leave him alone to spend and do whatever he wanted.. i'm just done. i cant waste anymore energy trying to make things better for us. i dont care anymore. all i wanna do is lay in bed and cry.
Correct me if I'm wrong OP, but from what I'm reading they DO make enough to support a child...he just spends it all before she can grab onto it and save. And I think the gas scenario was just hypothetical.
Um, no.
Forget the 'friend'. Consider the root cause, the source. Your husband.
Holy cow.
ETA: after reading your follow up post, this is a damn trainwreck. You don't need counseling. You need a lawyer.
While I agree with all of the comments about needing a mediator it also sounds like he's very defensive in your discussions with him and might not be open to counseling. Have you discussed creating a budget together? My husband is very conscious of spending and I don't always listen to his warnings that we are getting close to having to dip into savings. We haven't yet, but if we did he promised we would create a budget together. This prevents "interrogation" which might put him on the defense and gets you two on the same team to work on things. Especially, with a child on the way it sounds like it's really important to become a team where finances are concerned. Another solution is getting rid of credit cards and only using cash or debit to prevent overspending.
The bigger problem I see here is the language being used in the marriage. I have to admit that I have been known to fly off the handle with my husband when I don't think he is listening to me - this does not work, he just shuts down. His behavior on the other hand is actually verbal abuse. Using names and belittling someone has become part of the definition of domestic violence. If he isn't hearing your desire that he not call you names when he "vents" to his friends then he isn't showing you the respect you deserve. I don't have a solution, but there are many free organizations in most communities to support women who are experiencing this. This can include free counseling to help in making decisions to keep you and your family safe - not that I think you're in danger since I don't know your situation, but they do offer a wide range of services. I'm not suggesting that your husband would hurt you, but you do deserve respect in your relationship.
My mom spent the better part of her life trapped in a toxic marriage because she thought it was her only option financially, and that it was better for the children. Both were false.
I mean, if it's your savings you're blowing through each month, and you feel like you might be at the end of your road, then it's time to cut that off. If it were me, I would call in a huge favor from a best friend with a couch and get myself a job. I won't pretend this won't be stressful, but it will be a productive stress, moving you forward. I think your husband is owed the chance to participate in counseling, if for no other reason than your marriage vows, but if he doesn't pleasantly surprise you, at least you will know you tried everything. Things sound like they'll be rough for the short-term, for sure, but keep your eye on your long-term goals. You're too young to settle when you're freshly graduated.
yes! we were doing great before. we both were workding and putting money away so that i could quit my job while i intern and finish school. he said he would get a second job if he had to, to support me so that i can finish. but he never got a second job or changed his spending habbits. he is still spending like we have 2 incomes, so for the last few months, i've just been trying to get along be happy. since i'm the one who does the bills, i've been taking money from the savings to make up for the shortages.. but then my car, out of no where a few weeks ago just died! no warning! normally i would be prepared for something like this!!!! but i'm not because we spent the bulk of our savings. this last month, i told him i could not handle the stress of the bills anymore, since he seems to think that he doesnt have a spending problem, it was going to be his responsibility. i told, "pay all the bills, make sure we have food and gas to get to work and school.. and the rest he can do whatever he wants, i'm done fighting about it!"
oh and no, the gas story actually happened, this week, its what started this whole thing! i couldnt believe that on saturday he said he had $45 dollars, then on monday when the gas light went on, i asked for gas money and he said he only had $4! ofcourse i'm going to be livid! i asked where it went, he said he told me he only had $25 before we went to lunch on saturday. i said, "no you told me you had $45, but if you really only had $25, why the would you say we could go to lunch?" who does that?
Do you suspect he might have a drug addiction?
yes! i know he does. he says you cant get addicted to weed.. "eh hem, well you are!" i've already given him an ultamatum that he has to quit by the time the baby is here. before, i didnt see it as much different as have a few beers after work.. god knows if i could drink i would not feel like i had to justify my spending on drinking to him, but the difference is, i never spent so much on drinking that i could not put gas in my car a week before i got paid. his problem is, he has always lived this way, he gets his check and spends it on his weed, candy, tattoos, comics, lotto tickets, ect. and then the next week, he has no money so he just got more from the money fairy (his mommy).
he has made huge strides in his restraint, he has cut out most of the frivelous spending, and he has drastically reduced his weekly consumption of weed. so i have allowed it, because i have seen the progress and i dont expect him to change over night, but my real problem is, he cant seem to figure out that, WHEN YOU DONT HAVE MONEY, YOU CANT SPEND IT!! lol!!
seriously everyone has enabled him his whole life! and we dont have credit cards, he doesnt even have a debit card or access to my account. he spends it all before he buys the essentials and then i'm always the one who has to figure out how to get them.
so add the spending problem, drug problem, cant communicate with him, he never keeps his word, his lack of concern for my feelings, name calling, temper tantrums, lack of instinct to protect me and defend me... "why am i fighting for this marriage to work again?" i just have to make it to January, i will have a car again. then i can go back to work and take some control back.
1.) Pregnant or not-- you have a right to be upset. This is a abusive, jerk-face behavior.
2.) Yes. As I said above. That is abusive, arsehole behavior.
My Thoughts:
1.) Your husband should keep the marital disagreements between the two of you. He is being unfair to the marriage and to this friend by putting him in the middle. Also, he should be talking to YOU about any disagreements. It doesn't do any good for him to complain to another person because that other person is usually going to tell him what he wants to hear. It sounds like the friend is not being a true friend anyway. He is attacking your character on the regular and your husband lets him do it. That is kind of messed IMHO.
2.) WTF to this "friend" who is behaving like a complete psycho. I seriously side-eye your husband for remaining friends with such an abusive jerk. Then again, birds of a feather usually flock together. Just sayin'.
3.) Counseling and lots of it for the two of you. You need to work on your communication skills it sounds like. Do this BEFORE baby arrives. The baby will just make any existing issues between you that much more apparent. Please schedule an appointment as soon as you can. If your H doesn't want to go then that is a HUGE red flag for your marriage. You all need this counseling to establish better patterns.
I agree. DH and I have gotten into some pretty heated arguments, but we have NEVER called each other names. #1 - He should not be calling you those names at all, whether it's to you or to his friend. #2 - He shouldn't be running to his friend and telling him about your personal issues in the manner that you have described. This should have been nipped in the bud a LONG time ago. Be completely upfront and honest about your feelings and expectations. It may be blunt, but I always tell DH exactly what I'm feeling/wanting as soon as possible. I don't "get hints" and I don't expect him to either. The only way to truly get what you want is to specifically ask for it.
And, yes, you have a right to be mad!
For chrissakes, he's spending money on weed and tattoos when he doesn't even have money to put gas in the car and a baby on the way?
Hello no.
Looks like you already see the writing on the wall (in case you don't, it says "he's a loser and not a fit husband or father for your child"). He will always be this way. If you think you'd be fine with this once you have two incomes, then you need to temporarily be the iron fist with the money. As in, he doesn't get any. It goes into an account in your name only, to be used for bills or savings only, and he gets a set amount each week to use for gas. No freakin' weed money or tattoo money or whatever dumb things he's doing with it.
The friend thing is BS. I would expect this kind of thing from teenagers, not grown men. I don't think I could even be friends with someone with the gall to call the person's spouse to b!tch about their behavior. Who does that? And the fact that your husband doesn't see that as a big deal is a big character flaw, in my opinion.
You need to focus on yourself. Finish school and whatever else you need to do to get your own future in order, then make the decision whether or not this relationship is worth saving. (But, I'd also let your husband know that you're at the end of your rope and he needs to make some MAJOR changes to have a snowball's chance at keeping his wife).
no. no. no.. he hasnt gotten any tattoos since we've lived together, and he cut back his weed alot.. but its not enough and i've told him, once the baby comes, its completely unacceptable for him to smoke it all, unless its on a "boys night out" and he is not at home!!! just the same as i would do, go out once a month or whatever to have some time off. i in NO WAY think its acceptable to be high or drunk everyday when you have a small child.. when you have a child, period!
and that is really the thing, i'm so tired of being iron fisted! its exhausting and its not fun for me to have to be the one to say no all the time! i already feel liek a single parent. he gets his check, he'll round it down when he tells me how much it is, like say its $845, he'll say its about $800.. i'm not dumb, i know what that means, but hey, everyone has to pay themselves a little- otherwise whats the point, yah know? so i do take it all and leave him enough to fill up the tank, but then he'll say a week later that he needs gas money, so i give him a little more, and just liek the week before, he spends half of that on gas and the other half on BS, after i know he has already spent $45 on weed that he thinks i dont know about.
bottom line, today i have realized that i'm in a yacht and he is in a dingy, and he is yelling for me to pull him into my yacht, he says all he wants is to be on my yacht, but he's paddling in the oposite direction.. i'm just tired of exhurting all of my energies fighting to pull him in, when obviously thats not what he wants. he can stay in his dingy!!! i dont care anymore.
thank you everyone!!! i really appreciate all of the advice. its too bad that you have all said what i already knew.. but its awsome to have the confirmation that i'm not jsut "being a crazy bltch! or emotional" LOL yah i'm emotional, jackarse, because you hurting my feelings and lying and disapointing me! thanks again everyone, i know that things will get better FOR ME and my LO, jsut as soon as i get the energy to fight for us again...
This is what I thought. How is he possibly going to support a baby when he can't keep enough money to put gas in his car? You said he makes enough to pay the bills. Your expenses are going to increase when the baby is born. Does he grasp this concept? I can't imagine having a baby when dude's barely got enough money leftover from each paycheck to put gas in the tank.
And why did you decide to have kids with someone who's got a drug addiction? Having a baby isn't going to make this problem go away, it's going to make it worse. He'll just find ways to hide his weed problem. I'm honestly and truly not saying this to be mean, I'm asking you honestly to find out why you are bringing a child into a marriage that is clearly not stable - emotionally or financially - or even sounds all that happy. What's going to happen when he spends every dime out of every paycheck to smoke a fatty and play the lottery, and the baby is out of diapers, and the savings is gone? Is his bright idea going to be to wrap a paper towel around the baby's butt until the next payday? He sounds incredibly selfish, irresponsible, and immature. Running to his friend to badmouth you and then letting that friend rip you a new one and just letting that go? Oh hells no.
At this point, you need a lawyer. Protect yourself, your baby, and your assets and get out of there. It's highly doubtful he's going to change, and like I said, bringing a child into an unstable, unhappy marriage is only going to make things worse.
I don't think I can relate anymore. Apparently there is an acceptable amount of smoking that can be done when you're going into debt and the child isn't even here yet. It's time to find healthier ways to unwind. In my mind, from a child's perspective, if you smoke once a month or once a week, the fact is that you've made that behavior acceptable. It's time to grow up 100%, not 30% better.
Well, it'll be fun when he smokes up on one of your approved "boys nights out" and gets brought in for a pop drug screen at work and you can no longer even afford to give him that $45 gas that he spent on other shyt.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
its not that i find an amount acceptable, its that i personally dont feel like its right to dictate what someone can and cant do. just the same, if i wanted to stop at the bar for a fw beers with some class mates after school for a few hours, i would not expect him to jump down my throat about it. and i have always said that the difference is, i wont go to the bar, if we dont have the money.. he spends whether we have it or not and then lies to me and hides it from me, and then because i'm just so damn tired of fighting, i pretend like i dont know. i enable him, just like everyone else, because when i do call him out on it, he turns it around on me.. says i'm controlling and a crazy ***, ect. and when he does that, i call him out on it.
i dont have a problem with someone going out and having a good time with his buddies.. and blowing off some steam, everyone needs time off every now and then. i have the problem with the spending when we could not afford it. i told him over and over, we only have one income now, either stop spending money or get another job!
but all of this was before i got pregnant and my car crapped out and i realized the flaw in the design. it became obvious that keeping my mouth shut and trying to keep peace was only hurting me in the long run... and it really hasnt been peaceful ever since. it was serioulsy like a slap in the face! a wake up call. that this shlt just aint working! and i just dont think he's ever going to make the changes needed to make it work. i dont even know if i want councelling anymore, if i want to put in anymore energy.
i have fought, yelled and screamed, begged and pleaded, and cried, i've ignored it, talked about it, reminded, played detective and prosecutor and none of it has made any difference. so i give up.