Is it wrong to play favourites in front of your children?

dojo1 · December 2011

I posted on the Baby Shower board a few days ago and someone (who is trying to have a baby on her own by choice without a partner through IVF) told me that I should never allow my child to see me play favourites with my side of the family vs. DH's - nice advice from someone who won't have to face that situation.

Frankly, I think this is a bit ridiculous - I'm closer with my side of the family, my side provides more support, my side will undoubtedly see my children more often than DH's (since FIL couldn't be bothered to spend time with his first grandchild who only lived down the street from him other than during pre-organized holiday events).

I'll do my best to not bad mouth them in front of my kids, but I'm not going to pretend like they're as close to me as my own family and I don't see why I should have to. I grew up in a similar situation where my mom was very close to her family and saw them all the time - they treated my sister and I like we hung the moon and were the most special people on earth. I treasured the time I got to spend with them and miss them dearly. My dad's side was less involved and didn't shower us with the affection we were used to from my mom's side. I still love them, but did not have the same relationship with them as I did my mom's side. My mom definitely played favourites with her side, but I don't really think it did me any harm (other than to perhaps make me think that playing favourites is ok).

Do you do this or do you anticipate that you will?

WildcatPrincess · December 2011

I think that's sound advice. Of course I love my family more, they're my family! My ILs have their own quirks and can be overbearing, but they're long distance so it's short periods of time. Even though we see them less and I have almost no connection to them I make sure we talk about them just as much as my family and get just as excited when they come to visit. It's only fair to them and my husband.

sunnyfalls · December 2011

At first, I thought you were going to ask about playing favorites between your children and I was horrified (as someone who grew up with a mother who clearly favored her son over her daughters). For your question about in-laws vs. your family....in my case, both sides have their crazies, but my side lives nearby and I don't really know my in laws. So, my son will have more exposure to my side, however, that may make him like them more or less, who knows?

MsCat19 · December 2011

I grew up with my father's family pretty much exclusively - I didn't meet my mother's brother until I was 16! DD is lucky - she sees my family, my ex's, and my DH's all the time, but I don't think it's weird to be closer to one side then another... I think it's pretty normal!

pensparade · December 2011

DO-JO:

My dad's side was less involved and didn't shower us with the affection we were used to from my mom's side. I still love them, but did not have the same relationship with them as I did my mom's side. My mom definitely played favourites with her side, but I don't really think it did me any harm (other than to perhaps make me think that playing favourites is ok).

Do you do this or do you anticipate that you will?

THIS EXACTLY FOR ME!

We never spent time with my fathers family growing up and still don't to this day. I blame my father for that though. IMO,it's up to the parents to make sure your children see your families equally. If your DH doesn't make an effort to visit them, then obviously your children will care more for the family they do see.

That being said, I think it's natural to show more enthousiasm for your own family than that of your spouse's. That's just normal and I'm sure I am guilty of it.

I will say though that I am so fortunate my in-laws are wonderful people so I have no problem visiting them and spending time with them. I hate to tell MIL but I think DD favors my own mother instead. I don't know why it is b/c MIL is so attentive to DD and babysits her all the time. Maybe it's my moms iPad that DD is obsessed with or just the fact that I look exactly like my mom haha.

shouldbworkin · December 2011

I've never really set out to favor my family or make things equal. It just is what it is. Sometimes they see one side more than the other b/c of the circumstances. They're all welcome to see my kids whenever they want to, as long as it works for us. I don't purposely make it hard on any family member to see my kids.

ashunt279 · December 2011

I don't plan on playing favorites with one side or the other. But I'm pretty lucky in the In-Law department. We live close to both my parents and DH parents and we all get along very well. That being said, I am much closer to my family but my in-laws are much more fun. So I don't plan on altering any behavior and I will always try to make sure they see both sides equally, but that's mainly because we live so close to both sets and we all get along so well.

lindy27 · December 2011

I already know we will and I'm not sure what we can or will do to try to even things out. Both DH and I are very close with my family, including my only sister. DH is close with his dad but not his mother. His parents also don't speak with either other thier other kids/stepkids (messy divorce thing) while my DH does. I want my kids to get to know their aunts/uncles/cousins so I know we will spend more time with my family and my DH's siblings. My MIL is kinda crazy so I prefer it that way and so does my DH.

vanvoorhis-101 · December 2011

I see your point. It's not like you are trying to play favorites, you just happen to be closer to one side then the other. My DH and I are closer to me side of the family, just because DH parents are divorced and each of them live in other states! I do not have any problems with them and we will be excited to visit them, we just will not be seeing them as often. We just bought our first house maybe 15miles from my parents so obviously they will be much more involved.

devious1031 · December 2011

We don't play favorites with anyone/thing. We are closer with DH's family but we don't show it to the children, we still talk to them about my side, ect.

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