Friends with kids... when you have none.

blonddnyc · November 2011

Wondering if any of you are in this situation as well....

Just got a phone call from one of my oldest/longest BF's who I haven't spoken to in almost a year. She had 2 kids, realtively close together, and once she had the first one we sort of stopped talking for a while. then she became pregnant again shortly after the 1st was born and then we really stopped speaking. Last time I saw her was in my wedding party over a year ago when she was immensely PG.

we stopped talking mostly because she was so busy with her babies, but also whenever we did speak it was always about her kids. and ive never had kids so i dont have anything to add to the convo, and it just became kind of one sided. i know that kids consume your life but it just seemed like we had nothing in common at all anymore. and our friendship is on hold until i catch up and have a baby.

then my other BF had a kid last summer and although our relationship hasnt changed as much because i see her more often, and also she is not as kid consumed - there still is this "difference" between us. its weird but its almost like being left out of an exclusive club.

now my best co-worker friend announced her PG (we were trying all summer at the same time and she got KU first, and fast) and now we talk less, text less, etc. Im wondering if its because she knows Im TTC and doesnt want to have all our conversations be about PG, knowing how I am still trying and all. I try to be happy for her and interested, but again it just feels weird.

what is it about friends who have kids when you dont? I feel like everyone's zooming past me. ugh..

Oceanbabe2012 · November 2011

blonddnyc:
Wondering if any of you are in this situation as well....
Just got a phone call from one of my oldest/longest BF's who I haven't spoken to in almost a year. She had 2 kids, realtively close together, and once she had the first one we sort of stopped talking for a while. then she became pregnant again shortly after the 1st was born and then we really stopped speaking. Last time I saw her was in my wedding party over a year ago when she was immensely PG.
we stopped talking mostly because she was so busy with her babies, but also whenever we did speak it was always about her kids. and ive never had kids so i dont have anything to add to the convo, and it just became kind of one sided. i know that kids consume your life but it just seemed like we had nothing in common at all anymore. and our friendship is on hold until i catch up and have a baby.
then my other BF had a kid last summer and although our relationship hasnt changed as much because i see her more often, and also she is not as kid consumed - there still is this "difference" between us. its weird but its almost like being left out of an exclusive club.
now my best co-worker friend announced her PG (we were trying all summer at the same time and she got KU first, and fast) and now we talk less, text less, etc. Im wondering if its because she knows Im TTC and doesnt want to have all our conversations be about PG, knowing how I am still trying and all. I try to be happy for her and interested, but again it just feels weird.
what is it about friends who have kids when you dont? I feel like everyone's zooming past me. ugh..

I am in the same situation. I try to just talk about other topics with them but it is hard because they just talk about their kids. I love their kids, but sometimes I wish we could go back to how things were before. They never want to just do girls nights out even dinner or what I miss the most(clubbing). I wish a lot for those days back, but I know it won't happen.

MRScarlock2010 · November 2011

I completely understand I have honestly like 8 prego friends and half of them where just accidents and Ive been trying for 9 months... which isnt long for some I know but... when people get pregnant shorter I just wonder what Im doing wrong! Its hard to be happy for people when its something you want so badly! I just try to think at least I can have kids some people out there cant even try to the natural way! It helps a little bit it still stinks sometimes!

Neesey · November 2011

You aren't alone. I had this happen with 2 really good friends that I've known since junior high. Both got married very young and they have 4 kids each. I feel bad that we don't talk like we used to but I think we just outgrew our friendship. I opened a business and waited until I was 30 to get married and they were both married with kids by 22. We are in different places but when we talk (about once a year) we have a nice time.

As for your co-worker, I'd probably take her out to lunch and let her know how you feel. I'd tell her that you are excited for her and you still want to be close. She may feel just as awkward since you aren't pregnant yet. Just tell her that you'll let her know if the pregnancy talk gets to be too much. I'm sure she'll be glad to "pave the way" and you can talk pregnancy when you get to that point. In the mean time you can focus on the other things you enjoy about each other.

emikat · November 2011

Most of my close friends have kids. My closest BFF doesn't. I think all friendships go though different phases. Some of my relationships didn't changes all that much with my friends after they had their children. Others actually told me they were hurt that I wasn't into their kids (from their point of view) as much as they expected me to be. But we've gotten past that. It's hard because there is a difference in peoples lives with children and some let that consume them enough that you lose some of the commonality you had with your friends before. Others are able to maintain who they were and are and just added the mother role on. I feel I've been closer to those friends over time. My friend that doesn't have children knows I'm TTC and I know she's worried that things will change if I do. But, I feel, or hope, that I'll have a good balance and be able to maintain and grow the friendships I have over time. It goes both ways in relationships. That said, I have a stepson now (50/50 custody), and it's been a growing experience over the last two years since he's been in my life. While I still can't relate completely as a mother, I understand how your perspective sometimes changes and how life and time can get away from you when you are taking care of your family.

bostonbluejay · November 2011

Since this trend seems to be happening a lot for you, I wonder, have you ever thought that maybe you are creating the distance between you and your friends because you don't want to hear about their pregnancies/kids since you aren't there yet? Maybe like a self-preservation thing?

If that is definitely not the case, have you tried to talk to your co-worker friend and let her know that you are supportive by asking questions about her pregnancy and how she is doing? That might help to get the lines of communication open.

Your friends are going to want to talk about their kids, that's a given. But, maybe you can listen and talk about the kids for a bit and then redirect the conversation to whatever it is that you would like to talk about. If that doesn't work, maybe just being honest with your friends and let them know that you love their kids and love hearing about them but you'd like to talk about other things too!

angelsnight · November 2011

I'm sorry but it sounds like your friends might be a little self involved. Yes having kids surely changes this, but there are other things to talk about.

My BF has a two year old son, and since he was born there has only been three times that we have hung out without him. But it's fine, I love her son. She talks about him yes, tells me stories or something they've done lately, but the talk isn't 100% about him, hell sometimes it's not even 50%.

Actually I am a little more worried about what our friendship will be once I have a kid. We mostly meet places now, but if we're going someplace further away I'll go to her house and then she drives from there (because of the car seat) but once I have a kid too we'll have to meet everywhere unless we want to deal with moving car seats. And her son is a great shopper, as long as he is in his stroller he almost never fusses or throws a fit, so we can generally shop for a couple hours and he is content. What if I have a screamer who is difficult to take out for longer periods?

Perhaps have a talk with your friends. Let them know that while you're so happy for them, sometimes you miss your pre-baby conversations. Motherhood definitely changes things, but it's not an excuse to be selfish and not care about the other persons life.

Laurakat81 · November 2011

I feel this way too. I've been TTC for two years. Most of my friends are not TTC right now (that I know of!) and that alone makes it so hard to have things in common when my life revolves around TTC, losses, and fertility treatments. But I'm TERRIFIED of the day they jump on the TTC bandwagon and they all pass me by!

blonddnyc · November 2011

Just FTR, Im not complaining about my friendships at all. My BF's remain my friends no matter what and when we do talk we pick up as if it not even a day, let alone a year, has gone by. Im just more "aware" of it now that Im TTC I guess...

MrsBlindLove · November 2011

Our main circle is our church friends and there is only one other couple that doesn't have kids. I get left out of activities sometimes because they are centered around the kids. We call them the Mommy posse. I know that kids change peoples lives and you instantly have at least one thing in common with someone if they have kids too.

I try to show interest in their children and even learn about different development things that children might be going through like teething, rolling over, talking, walking etc. Sometimes they ask about me and sometimes they don't but I show interest and try to go to everything that I am invited to because I know when I have children they will be a great resource.

It's hard, I'm sorry you are going through this.

SGC29 · November 2011

GhostMonkey:
angelsnight:

Perhaps have a talk with your friends. Let them know that while you're so happy for them, sometimes you miss your pre-baby conversations. Motherhood definitely changes things, but it's not an excuse to be selfish and not care about the other persons life.

I'll call bullshit. My kid is far more important than some adult getting sand in their panties because my life went a different direction than theirs and they can't deal with it.

Friendships evolve. And it is hard to remain extremely close to someone who has kids when you don't. Not impossible, but it takes a lot of effort, and I can tell you that I sure as hell don't have that kind of time right now. My time with DS is limited already by working, so I want my evenings and weekends for him. A good friend would understand that my child is a million times more important to me than they could ever be. While I will be there for thier big moments, we don't hang out like we did before. None of us (kids, no kids) has the time.

Fortunately I have good friends that understand all of this. It's not that I don't care about them or they don't care about me.

I am with GM on this. It definitely takes effort to maintain a friendship (especially a close one) with someone who doesn't have a child when you do. I simply do not have the time I did pre-baby. If my friend's fail to understand that, oh well. Life changes after baby, anyone who thinks otherwise, is kidding themselves. I always laugh when pregnant friends say things like "I really don't think having a kid will change that much for us"..Umm, yeah, it will actually.

mrsjenni · November 2011

GhostMonkey:

Friendships evolve. And it is hard to remain extremely close to someone who has kids when you don't. Not impossible, but it takes a lot of effort, and I can tell you that I sure as hell don't have that kind of time right now. My time with DS is limited already by working, so I want my evenings and weekends for him. A good friend would understand that my child is a million times more important to me than they could ever be. While I will be there for thier big moments, we don't hang out like we did before. None of us (kids, no kids) has the time.

Yep. This exactly. The little free time I have right now? It goes to my kids. And anyone that would expect otherwise, isn't really a good friend to begin with.

My one best friend stopped talking to me because I have 2 kids and she's been TTC for 5+ years. I feel awful for her and try to ask questions and let her talk to me about what she's going through, but in the end? I have kids and she doesn't and I think she resents me for that. But ya know what? My kids come first. Sorry.

TechieGirl1 · November 2011

I completely understand. My best friend basically has to look at her husband and gets pregnant. Although she is very understanding. I had to wait about 4 1/2 years for my DH to be ready to TTC. Plus i have medical issues which is probably going to cause me to take a long time to actually concieve (the doctors already warned me). So baiscally i play the spoiling aunt to my best friends kids. which is alot of fun! I know they aren't mine but i do love them just the same! They love coming over to our house, and hanging out with me and DH, so that will have to do for me for now!

katyms7 · November 2011

Friendships are harder when life gets moving. I understand that moms want and need to spend free time with their children. I am sure I will be the same way.

I also understand the flip side of this, that you do need to continue to put effort into a friendship. You were friends and had things in common before kids. The late night bar/club nights are traded in for dinner at a house so it is still comfortable to bring the kids. Sometimes it is nice to get out and enjoy a night out but let her suggest it.

With all the technology these days, it is easy to stay in touch with email/ text messages. Still keep in touch with her with email or text. Fill her in on your life and ask her about the kids/husband/ work/ etc is going. She still appreciates your friendship but things in life do change and the strong friendships will make it through this.

I also like the idea of inviting your coworker out to lunch to talk. She may be feeling just as awkward because you were both TTC at the same time. Just break the ice and tell her how happy you are for her but it is a little hard because you wish you were in her shoes. Share with her how much you cherish her friendship and you don't want to loose that.

Good luck!

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