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Total Meltdown Last Night :(

sgrobstesgrobste member
in Secondary IF
So after work I went with a girlfriend and I had a great time, but I was still a little down.  Prior to going out I got a call from another GF that she had her U/S with her RE and everything looks great.  Well, that just about killed me.  But, I put on a happy face as I always do and I went out.  When I got home, I took some medicine for my Bronchitis that I have and was planning to just fall asleep.  But, instead, DH and I got into a huge fight.  I am not even sure what it was about.  But, I basically broke down and told him that I do not want to see or talk to some people because I really don't care anymore.  I told him I am sick of always saying the right thing and acting the right way when I am breaking apart inside.  When people are going through horrible life things like illness, death, or divorce, everyone comforts them and is there for them.  But, IF is such a secret that is hidden and it is a fight that I feel like I am fighting with myself every minute of everyday.  I am not sure if all of this is just coming out because AF has yet to show and I am sick of waiting or if I am just annoyed at myself that I am hoping so hard that she won't show and I will get PG on my own.  I am not sure....I just for once want someone to call me and check up on me or send me a little card letting me know they are there for me.  Why am I the one who always has to do and say the right thing when i am the one who is dying a little inside each day.
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Re: Total Meltdown Last Night :(

  • RMR13RMR13 member
    I'm horrible at saying the right thing so this may or may not be it but, I'm sorry you're going through this. It is awful to always have to be the strong one. Just remember you're not alone, all of us on the board are always thinking and praying for you.
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  • lillinzloulillinzlou

    I totally understand what you mean. I think those closest to me are just tired of hearing about it. They feel bad, of course, but I think they feel like they've said all they can and want me to keep it to myself. I told my mom that I wasn't KU this month and she barely acknowledged and moved on to tell me how awful her day was.

    I think, unlike a death or divorce, IF seems to drag on with the same result every month. I don't know what I would do if I had a friend who had a loved one die every month. I think I'd just run out of "I'm Sorry"s. That's why I come on here. Everyone understands. Hang in there. We're all rooting for you and pray that you get your baby soon.

    Conceived DD after 15 cycles--- TTC #2 since 11/10---Me- Poor egg quality and supply---DH- Poor count and motility---2 rounds 75IU Follistim/IUI-BFN---5/12 150IU Follistim/IUI-Over-produced! Converted to IVF! 0 fertilized:( Rescue ICSI performed. 2 embryos transfered-BFN

    ---------Game Over---------

    Moving on as a family of 3
    Lou's Infertility News

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  • PaigeC1981PaigeC1981
    I'm so sorry. I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. It sucks so bad. I truly hope that you get your bfp soon. Hang in there. ((((hugs))))
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  • jtorgersenjtorgersen member
    I feel your pain...it's a tough battle that all of us on this board are facing these days...just knowing we're not alone in our emotions is comforting...hugs to you!
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  • AmandaMacDAmandaMacD member
    Oh sweetie, I know all too well how you are feeling.  {{{HUGS}}}
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    "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..."
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  • smalltownmamasmalltownmama

    I can totally relate and totally agree. I was very much feeling the same way a few weeks ago. I've heard other people going through hard times say that's when they really felt the love and support of their friends and family. Well, this is the hardest thing I have ever been through, and I've never felt more alone in my life. People don't send cards. They don't call. They don't ask how I'm doing. Nobody remembered when the EDD for my angel baby came up, not that I expected them to, but ya know, that WAS my baby. I did suffer a LOSS, even if it was early. I think Laura Bush said it rather well:

     "The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

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  • smalltownmamasmalltownmama

    I added this from my blog:

    How It Feels...

    Infertility is like cancer, or a terrible car wreck, or having your house burn down:
    It's supposed to happen to someone else.



    It might happen to someone you know and care about and pray for....



    But it's not supposed to happen to you.



    You might feel terrible for that other person. You might wish you could make it better. You might try to imagine how it would feel to be in their shoes. But until it happens to you,



    You really CAN'T imagine how it feels.



    And Secondary Infertility?



    It REALLY isn't supposed to happen to you.



    Because you have living, breathing proof that you can reproduce. It wasn't that long ago, and it wasn't that hard. So why is it so impossible now? Your proof wakes you up in the morning and you rock your proof to sleep at night (not because he really needs to be rocked to sleep anymore, but because he just might be the only baby you ever have). Your proof fills your days with sunshine, and calls you "Mom". Your proof would be the best big brother in the whole wide world, if only he had the chance.


    You never dreamed that he would be a complete miracle and an absolute blessing....but not proof. You never dreamed that the fact that you had one child would mean nothing about the chances of it happening again. You never dreamed that you might only get one chance at the one thing in the world that made you happiest, at the only thing you've ever wanted, at the only thing that you've ever cared about being good at.


    And the worst part? The worst part about the most painful experience you've ever been through in your life?



    It's that nobody really cares.



    They say that they care. They say they feel so bad for you, that they can't imagine how you feel. They say they are praying for you, but you wonder if they really are.


    And you don't blame them for forgetting, when there are countless other who need prayers: cancer patients and sick children and orphans and so many others with problems worse than yours. Not to mention the whole, "Well at least you have one child" thing....



    Besides, there's not much anyone can do for you. Your "disease" is not urgent. Your heart is breaking, but you aren't dying. There is no point in cards or flowers or hot meals. You are expected to get out of bed every morning and show up at church and weddings and Tupperware parties. It might be one of the worst days of your life, but you will still show up at the quarterly potluck.


    And because there is nothing anyone can do for you, they don't.


    Because there is nothing anyone can say, they usually don't. And when they do, it is ALWAYS the wrong thing.


    And so you feel very alone in your heartbreak.
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  • AshleyR2452AshleyR2452
    I'm so sorry you're going through this!  Remember, you are not alone in this journey and we are all rooting for you.  Sending lots of T&Ps your way!
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