Asking for happy thoughts!

kaleidoskpeyez · November 2011

DH and I are going out of town for his college roommate's wedding. I'm excited because I get along with a lot of DH's friends and their wives/SOs, and we only see this group of people about once a year (if that). I anticipate a lot of fun times...... but also a lot of well-meaning (but still painful) questions about our plans for expanding our family. (Any plans for kids? Are you trying? Do you even want children?)

My goals for these inevitable questions are to NOT CRY, give succinct answers that don't reveal too much (but also aren't rude or flippant, because I know they mean well), and to get the focus off of us as quickly as possible. The last thing I want to do is drag any festivities down with tears or stories about our struggles. After all, this isn't about us; it's about celebrating the marriage of two wonderful people!

If you can spare some happy thoughts for DH and me, we'd appreciate it! We just want to have a good time, and take a mini-break away from the stress of TTC.

Wishing you all good luck and great things!!

farmerlynda · November 2011

Sending you tons of happy thoughts. If you can, come up with a little one-liner and stick to it... something like "We'll see"... or just a little "mmm-hmmm" and a Mona Lisa smile. That way you don't have to go into detail (which can bring the tears), you don't have to lie, and oftentimes people will just hear what they want to hear -- or project what they want to hear.

A few of my conversations went something like this:

Friend: So, when are you going to have kids?

Me: We'll see.

Friend: Oh, so you're just not preventing right now?

Me: Mmm-mmm. [Noise that could be either a yes or a no.]

Friend: Ah...

amd1982 · November 2011

I know exactly what you're feeling - we've had such a busy wedding season this year....5 total that just ended with a destination wedding in Mexico. Plus one of the guests was 5 months pregnant and had only been "trying for two weeks" so that didn't help any either. We had a lot of people ask us about starting a family, since we've been married over 2 years. I think a lot of the questions come from people being uncomfortable in conversation also....it's sort of like the natural order right? Get married, buy house, get dog, have kids... Here are some things I did that helped, so they might help you too! (and I found myself not stressing out about it as much).

Them: how long have you been married? Me: 2 years, how about you? (this way it doesn't leave an awkward silence, and room for them to ask about children. people love being asked questions about themselves, so just throw it back on them)

Them: Have you guys thought about having children? Me: yes, we're trying now (give a sly smile) and then move on to another subject. I know it sounds totally simple and lame, but it's a very simple and concise answer that's true without giving too much info. Going against my own advice recently, I found myself telling an old friend at a baby shower about some of our woes, and then people started weighing in on the conversation, and I ended up feeling uncomfortable because I was trying to confide in someone without making the entire table feel like they could weigh in on our IF issues. Then you start getting all the pity looks, and it's irritating.

So I've learned recently just to say "yes we're trying" and leave it at that. Hope this helps!! Take a deep breath and try to relax, I can honestly say I know 110% what you're up against but I'm sure you'll be absolutely fine! GL to you....

Tracyc617 · November 2011

Happy thoughts coming your way. When I get the question when will you have kids, I try to be vague and say "we'll see" and then change the subject quickly. I hope you have a nice time!

eponine7682 · November 2011

Happy vibes coming your way! I agree with pps just to say we'll see then change the subject. Maybe even add a "eh, we'll see" to show it's not something you're really interested in right now which will hopefully tell them that you aren't into discussing it.

Are you cycling? Can you have a few drinks? Whenever I get together with old friends and we have a few, typically a lot of the conversations turn into reminiscing about the "good old times". Have a blast!!

TJ1979 · November 2011

Ooh, good luck. I know how hard those can be. I don't know if you're religious or not, but when people ask me when I am going to have a kid I always say "when God blesses us with one." It's not a lie, and it doesn't share too much info. But you have to immediately throw the ball back in their court with another question. Preferably a question that has nothing to do with marriage or children.

dragontears507 · November 2011

farmerlynda:
Sending you tons of happy thoughts. If you can, come up with a little one-liner and stick to it... something like "We'll see"... or just a little "mmm-hmmm" and a Mona Lisa smile. That way you don't have to go into detail (which can bring the tears), you don't have to lie, and oftentimes people will just hear what they want to hear -- or project what they want to hear.
A few of my conversations went something like this:
Friend: So, when are you going to have kids?
Me: We'll see.
Friend: Oh, so you're just not preventing right now?
Me: Mmm-mmm. [Noise that could be either a yes or a no.]
Friend: Ah...

This! I always tell people "Someday". When they push it, I just change the topic. Good luck! Don't let people's questions ruin your good time with DH.

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