I am lost-loss mentioned

tinkitty · November 2011

I woke up this morning and I'm so sad. I just keep sobbing into my pillows. I don't know how I could ever possibly feel better. I lost my baby and evryone keeps saying that there must have been something wrong with it. I don't think so. It was the perfect baby, perfect timing. What a horrible thing to happen right before Thanksgiving. I feel like I have nothing to be thankful for. My family goes around the circle and says what they're thankful for and I don't think I could make it through that. We were going to announce during that tradition. My heart is broken and I don't feel like it will ever heal.

My husband and family keeps telling me that God realized there was something wrong with my baby and that he took it back to heaven with him. I don't understand that. Why would God make my baby wrong? Why do any of us have to go through this? I do not believe anymore. And to top it all off, my husband is telling me it's not that big of a deal and not to be bitter.

LooneyLife · November 2011

I am so sorry you have to go through this. You have done nothing wrong. And it's certainly not your fault. Have you talked with the women on the miscarriage/pl board at all?

numb3rMel · November 2011

Oh....

tinkitty, I have no words. I'm incredibly sorry.

JMarie725 · November 2011

So sorry I went through this last Thanksgiving, it just makes it that much harder. Sending T&P your way.

TurtlesAndSand · November 2011

I am so sorry for your loss.

mrsjenni · November 2011

Aww hun, I'm so sorry. I JUST went through this and completely understand everything you're saying right now. You DO have a right to be upset. It IS a big deal. You need time to mourn your loss. I was devastated after my m/c. Devestated. And still now, I have a hard time when I think "oh today would have been my first appt" or "I would have been x weeks PG today." I'm also sad to think about Thanksgiving and not being PG during that holiday. It breaks my heart to think about it.

I wrote a few posts after my m/c that I wanted to share with you. Not sure if it will help or not, but read them when you're ready. It DID help me to blog about it and the support I received was AMAZING.

#1: If only for a week.

#2: Insert sad "how are you?" face here.

{{{HUGS}}}

kofmkg · November 2011

I'm so sorry, tinkitty! No reasonable explanation can rationalize the sad situation or take away your hurt. There was nothing wrong with your little one-- God simply has even bigger plans for your beautiful angel. I am so sad for you.

daynakako · November 2011

I am so very sorry for your loss. I completly feel your pain, as I went through the same thing last month. My heart is still breaking and I don't understand. Take all the time you need to heal. If you need to talk PM me.

Stick Around · November 2011

I'm really sorry for your loss. My first BFP last year was a CP/early mc as well and I remember the feeling of devastation and anger and sadness and grief. Nothing anyone can say can make you feel any better and you will need to be angry and grieve. I'm having my 2nd CP right now, as well. This time around, it's not like that first time but I feel your sorrow. I can tell you I got pregnant with my daughter the very next month after my m/c and I hope the same happens for you. *hugs I'm so sorry.

advb0921 · November 2011

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had this happen to me as well and I felt the same sorrow. I really do understand what you are going through. My heart felt shattered like it would never heal. I cried for days/ weeks. It was extremely painful. I know it's hard to hear now, but time will begin to heal your heart. It never goes away but it will get easier hun. Again, my heart breaks for you because it is so recent for me as well. Even my OB told me that there was most likely something not quite right with our little one also. It's very hard to hear. We had our loss in August. If you need to talk to someone, please don't hesitate to PM me.

Thinking of you! Sad

jujubee25 · November 2011

tinkitty:
And to top it all off, my husband is telling me it's not that big of a deal and not to be bitter.

It's as big a deal as you feel it is, and nobody has the right to tell you otherwise.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, tinkitty, and I'm sending healing thoughts your way. I haven't been through it myself but there are some awesome people here who have already posted their words of support, and I'm sure they can help, even if it's only a little.

ansi29 · November 2011

Hugs. I'm so so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there. You will get through it.

MeatballEsq · November 2011

Tin - my husband didn't understand it either. He was really supportive, especially the first few days, but after that I realized I just couldn't talk to him about it without him looking at my like he was confused or I was just being hysterical. He's not a horrible person, they really just do not get it. But that is what we are here for.

Do you have any friends that have experienced losses? I found it really helpful to talk to them and to see that they got through it. It reinforced what I already knew, which is that time would make the hurt lessen even if it would never go away. The next fews days/weeks will be really rough, but we are here for you. ((BIG HUGS))

Thankful1000 · November 2011

Keep your head up. Better days are coming.

tinkitty · November 2011

tonir319:

Tin - my husband didn't understand it either. He was really supportive, especially the first few days, but after that I realized I just couldn't talk to him about it without him looking at my like he was confused or I was just being hysterical. He's not a horrible person, they really just do not get it. But that is what we are here for.

Do you have any friends that have experienced losses? I found it really helpful to talk to them and to see that they got through it. It reinforced what I already knew, which is that time would make the hurt lessen even if it would never go away. The next fews days/weeks will be really rough, but we are here for you. ((BIG HUGS))

Thank you so much. I know my husband is trying to be comforting. He honestly thinks I'm overreacting. He is sad and my heart is crushed. It's the same emotion, just different levels. He is coming home for an hour or two to take me to the Dr to get my shot today. I really hope I'll find out my betas from yesterday, but I doubt it. I just want to bleed bad already. I want this out of me as soon as possible because every time I wipe, I sob.

I don't have any friends IRL who have gone through a loss. My grandmother went through one 40ish years ago and I called her this morning and I feel a little better. I think I'm just numb now.

I am really proud of myself for going to the doctor alone yesterday, seeing my empty uterus alone, and doing bloodwork alone. All without shedding one tear. It's just so hard to be strong and act like everything is alright when it's not.

yusi196 · November 2011

I'm sorry TK that you are going through this. I can't even imagine what you are going through but try to hang in there...I hope that you get your sticky baby very soon.....

kat1221 · November 2011

So sorry for your loss. I can totally relate to how you are feeling right now. I know you don't want to hear it right now but it will get better.

Hang in there.

Laylarue · November 2011

I am so sorry for your loss. You have every right to feel the way you do right now and hopefully with time your heart will begin to heal. T&Ps coming your way.

mrsjenni · November 2011

Ok, I'm going to add one more thing, and this is NOT meant to sound insensitive AT ALL.

I honestly think that you're husband doesn't understand what has been lost here. Of course he knows that you lost the baby, but he probably doesn't have that much emotional connection yet, if that makes sense. I'm assuming this was your first baby/pregnancy?

I'm just comparing the way your husband reacted to the way mine did and it was a HUGE difference. I think my husband may have been more upset than I was and I think it's because he looks at our 2 babies and can see what was lost. He is emotionally connected to them (obviously) and can't help but think "well what if it were them?"

Again, this is not meant to sound insensitive to your husband, but women are immediately attached to their baby. The moment they see "pregnant" on that little sick they become a mother. But for men, it's when they see their baby. I just think your hubby hasn't fully grasped what was lost here and that's why he's reacting the way that he is.

Again, I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I hope that you find the support that you need and I know it's hard to believe right now, but it will get easier.

tinkitty · November 2011

mrs.jenni:

Ok, I'm going to add one more thing, and this is NOT meant to sound insensitive AT ALL.

I honestly think that you're husband doesn't understand what has been lost here. Of course he knows that you lost the baby, but he probably doesn't have that much emotional connection yet, if that makes sense. I'm assuming this was your first baby/pregnancy?

I'm just comparing the way your husband reacted to the way mine did and it was a HUGE difference. I think my husband may have been more upset than I was and I think it's because he looks at our 2 babies and can see what was lost. He is emotionally connected to them (obviously) and can't help but think "well what if it were them?"

Again, this is not meant to sound insensitive to your husband, but women are immediately attached to their baby. The moment they see "pregnant" on that little sick they become a mother. But for men, it's when they see their baby. I just think your hubby hasn't fully grasped what was lost here and that's why he's reacting the way that he is.

Again, I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I hope that you find the support that you need and I know it's hard to believe right now, but it will get easier.

I think you hit the nail on the head. This was our first pregnancy. He says he's sad, but I've yet to see him shed one tear. He can eat like normal and function like normal. Don't get me wrong, he's been great at holding me when I cry and when he heard that I was crying, he rushed to the bedroom to console me. He is a great man, but this is way over his head.

SchruteBucks · November 2011

I am so sorry you're going through this. I wish I had some words that would make this all make sense and make you feel better. I am praying for you.

brookelynpaisley · November 2011

I am so sorry. You're right - there was nothing wrong with your baby, as you loved (and still do) it whole-heartedly from the moment you know it was there. Sometimes life is just horribly unfair, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm so sorry people are making such thoughtless comments, but sometimes, unfortunately, people seem unable to just say, "I'm sorry."

Things will get better. You will always love your lost baby, but your heart will begin to heal. I hope that tomorrow will be better than today. ((hugs))

AliciaR777 · November 2011

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know exactly where you're coming from. Three weeks ago today, I found out I was having a chemical pregnancy (I was 5w1d) - I'm still sad at least once every day thinking about the what if. I too was planning on making an announcement over the holiday, and the thought of that is too much sometimes. It will get easier, but that will be on your own time. No one can tell you how to feel, and being told to feel better won't help either.

Sadly, there were quite a few of us that have gone through this pain in the last month. It is hard, but we're all going to be ok. We just have to take one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other, and keep on living our lives. Keep your chin up!

HappyAardvark · November 2011

I'm sorry. I had a cp last December - it is so sad, and I really think a lot of men don't relate to the really early losses like we do. They feel sad but it's a lot easier for them to brush it off. My dh said something really sweet after our loss - he said that our baby just wasn't ready to meet us yet, and had to go back up to heaven to take care of a few things before he could come back to us. I thought it was really comforting to think of it not as a loss in the traditional sense. And the very next cycle I got my sticky bfp.

advb0921 · November 2011

tinkitty:
mrs.jenni:

Ok, I'm going to add one more thing, and this is NOT meant to sound insensitive AT ALL.

I honestly think that you're husband doesn't understand what has been lost here. Of course he knows that you lost the baby, but he probably doesn't have that much emotional connection yet, if that makes sense. I'm assuming this was your first baby/pregnancy?

I'm just comparing the way your husband reacted to the way mine did and it was a HUGE difference. I think my husband may have been more upset than I was and I think it's because he looks at our 2 babies and can see what was lost. He is emotionally connected to them (obviously) and can't help but think "well what if it were them?"

Again, this is not meant to sound insensitive to your husband, but women are immediately attached to their baby. The moment they see "pregnant" on that little sick they become a mother. But for men, it's when they see their baby. I just think your hubby hasn't fully grasped what was lost here and that's why he's reacting the way that he is.

Again, I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I hope that you find the support that you need and I know it's hard to believe right now, but it will get easier.

I think you hit the nail on the head. This was our first pregnancy. He says he's sad, but I've yet to see him shed one tear. He can eat like normal and function like normal. Don't get me wrong, he's been great at holding me when I cry and when he heard that I was crying, he rushed to the bedroom to console me. He is a great man, but this is way over his head.

One more thing to add also:

My DH also had a hard time dealing with this. He was very sad but never cried. He dealt with it by being angry mostly, like why did this happen to us? ect...He was there for me when I cried but it was like he didn't know what to say or do. I honestly think most men deal with it this way. We are emotionally attached immediately because it's our body. IMO

KNemo · November 2011

I wish I could hug you right now, sweets! I am so sorry that you are going through this! You're in my thoughts!

megs2011 · November 2011

I am so sorry for your loss. Honestly people just don't know what to say in these types of situations. I haven't been pregnant yet so I haven't felt that lost but I lost my gramma last year and we have lost my DH's cousin (3 weeks ago, 39 years old) and his grampa (on Monday) so I understand the loss feeling. It's tough but you will make it through... it just takes time. ::Hugs::

JumpAroundBucky · November 2011

Oh, TinKitty, I wish there was something I could say to make this better, but nothing makes the loss of a baby okay. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this, and I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you!

loggerwife · November 2011

I am so sorry you have to go through this and feel this way. It is not fair, when bad things happen to good people! I hope that, with time, you get to feeling better.

Again I am so sorry for your loss. {{HUGS}}

lycih · November 2011

I am so, so sorry, tinkitty... it is absolutely a difficult thing to go through, and no one should tell you how to greive, even YH.
my first BFP ended in m/c and I was completely devestated. MH didn't really know how to help, because I'm usually a pretty non-emotional person and I was just completely broken for awhile.
I will also suggest PP's mentioning of the miscarriage/pregnancy loss boards, I found those to be very helpful. I also read "knocked up, knocked down" and found it to be helpful and not preachy like some of the m/c books I browsed.
Definitely take one day at a time; it does get better. But, it will still creep up on you and surprise you, even after you think you're "better." I tell MH that my feelings towards TTC and pregnancy are just now my "new normal" since I know I won't have that same shiny, happy naive innocence about it as I had when I got pregnant the first time. All the best to you as you continue to heal.

bostonbluejay · November 2011

Tinkitty,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I cried a lot with my losses and I still cry sometimes. It is a very painful and emotional thing to have to go through. What I can promise you, is that it does get easier. It hurts a little less. You kind of have to let what people say go in one ear and out the other. Try not to associate this loss with God, if you can help it. The facts/truth are, the majority of early losses are due to a chromosomal issue. One in three women experience miscarriage. It is not at all uncommon, but that doesn't make it hurt or suck any less.

I do believe in God and all I can tell you about what I believe is that I don't think God "made your baby wrong." I don't think God is punishing you. I, personally, think it's just a horrible fact of nature that this happens sometimes. What I believe God CAN do for you in this situation, is give you peace, strength, and comfort. I came to a place where I stopped asking why, and just asked for peace...and that helped me tremendously.

In the meantime, it is OK to feel angry, sad, and hurt. Everything you are feeling is valid. I have a feeling your husband just doesn't know what to say and is trying to be strong for you and also, I think it's different for the men. I read something like, "A woman feels like a mother the moment she becomes pregnant. A man feels like a father when the baby is born and he can hold it in his arms." Your grief will be different from his. Just explain that you are sad, and that it hurts, and you just need some time and his support.

As far as what you'll say on Thanksgiving, it's OK if you don't feel Thankful for anything. There is a quote that has really helped me through, and may help you too.

"At the end of the day, you can focus on what's tearing you apart, or what's holding you together."

Maybe when that time comes, you can think about what is holding you together and be thankful for that. But what you are feeling right now, today, is normal and it is okay.

One more thing for you:

Nobody knew you

? Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn?t have been very far along.?
?existed.

Nobody knew you
? It?s not as though you lost an actual person.?
?were real

Nobody knew you
? Well it probably wasn?t a viable fetus.
It?s all for the best.?
?were perfect.

Nobody knew you
? You can always have another!?
?were unique.

Nobody knew you
"You should be thankful for all of your other blessings."
?were loved beyond measure.

Nobody knew you
?but us.

And we will always remember
?You.

By Jan Cosby

(((hugs))))

babyike · November 2011

Thinking of you tin, and hoping you are able to feel some peace with everything when you're ready. I wholeheartedly agree with the lovely PPs you've already gotten. Be kind with yourself as you try to figure out where to go from here emotionally. This board is here for you to vent, cry, reach out, or whatever else you may need it for... Huge (((HUGS))) and lots and lots of prayers for you sweety

brookelynpaisley · November 2011

bostonbluejay:

Tinkitty,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I cried a lot with my losses and I still cry sometimes. It is a very painful and emotional thing to have to go through. What I can promise you, is that it does get easier. It hurts a little less. You kind of have to let what people say go in one ear and out the other. Try not to associate this loss with God, if you can help it. The facts/truth are, the majority of early losses are due to a chromosomal issue. One in three women experience miscarriage. It is not at all uncommon, but that doesn't make it hurt or suck any less.

I do believe in God and all I can tell you about what I believe is that I don't think God "made your baby wrong." I don't think God is punishing you. I, personally, think it's just a horrible fact of nature that this happens sometimes. What I believe God CAN do for you in this situation, is give you peace, strength, and comfort. I came to a place where I stopped asking why, and just asked for peace...and that helped me tremendously.

In the meantime, it is OK to feel angry, sad, and hurt. Everything you are feeling is valid. I have a feeling your husband just doesn't know what to say and is trying to be strong for you and also, I think it's different for the men. I read something like, "A woman feels like a mother the moment she becomes pregnant. A man feels like a father when the baby is born and he can hold it in his arms." Your grief will be different from his. Just explain that you are sad, and that it hurts, and you just need some time and his support.

As far as what you'll say on Thanksgiving, it's OK if you don't feel Thankful for anything. There is a quote that has really helped me through, and may help you too.

"At the end of the day, you can focus on what's tearing you apart, or what's holding you together."

Maybe when that time comes, you can think about what is holding you together and be thankful for that. But what you are feeling right now, today, is normal and it is okay.

One more thing for you:

Nobody knew you

? Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn?t have been very far along.?
?existed.

Nobody knew you
? It?s not as though you lost an actual person.?
?were real

Nobody knew you
? Well it probably wasn?t a viable fetus.
It?s all for the best.?
?were perfect.

Nobody knew you
? You can always have another!?
?were unique.

Nobody knew you
"You should be thankful for all of your other blessings."
?were loved beyond measure.

Nobody knew you
?but us.

And we will always remember
?You.

By Jan Cosby

(((hugs))))

You rock, just sayin'

baker916 · November 2011

I am so sorry for your loss. I am going through similar emotions with a miscarriage about two weeks ago. It is horrible and people say stupid things that they think will make you feel better. I also know the loss is so much more for the woman than for her partner. Your DH may not understand what you're going through. Do you have someone to talk to?

Just keep telling yourself that you will get pregnant again, and it will be your take-home baby. This pain and loss will never go away, but you will be a mother.

You can PM me as well.

KissyFishyLips · November 2011

I'm sorry you're having a hard time... We went through this over New Year's in 2009/2010, after we told our families at Christmas. It's so hard right now, but I promise it will get easier. You didn't do anything wrong. Next time will be perfect!!

KNemo · November 2011

brookelynpaisley:
bostonbluejay:

Tinkitty,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I cried a lot with my losses and I still cry sometimes. It is a very painful and emotional thing to have to go through. What I can promise you, is that it does get easier. It hurts a little less. You kind of have to let what people say go in one ear and out the other. Try not to associate this loss with God, if you can help it. The facts/truth are, the majority of early losses are due to a chromosomal issue. One in three women experience miscarriage. It is not at all uncommon, but that doesn't make it hurt or suck any less.

I do believe in God and all I can tell you about what I believe is that I don't think God "made your baby wrong." I don't think God is punishing you. I, personally, think it's just a horrible fact of nature that this happens sometimes. What I believe God CAN do for you in this situation, is give you peace, strength, and comfort. I came to a place where I stopped asking why, and just asked for peace...and that helped me tremendously.

In the meantime, it is OK to feel angry, sad, and hurt. Everything you are feeling is valid. I have a feeling your husband just doesn't know what to say and is trying to be strong for you and also, I think it's different for the men. I read something like, "A woman feels like a mother the moment she becomes pregnant. A man feels like a father when the baby is born and he can hold it in his arms." Your grief will be different from his. Just explain that you are sad, and that it hurts, and you just need some time and his support.

As far as what you'll say on Thanksgiving, it's OK if you don't feel Thankful for anything. There is a quote that has really helped me through, and may help you too.

"At the end of the day, you can focus on what's tearing you apart, or what's holding you together."

Maybe when that time comes, you can think about what is holding you together and be thankful for that. But what you are feeling right now, today, is normal and it is okay.

One more thing for you:

Nobody knew you

? Sorry about the miscarriage dear, but you couldn?t have been very far along.?
?existed.

Nobody knew you
? It?s not as though you lost an actual person.?
?were real

Nobody knew you
? Well it probably wasn?t a viable fetus.
It?s all for the best.?
?were perfect.

Nobody knew you
? You can always have another!?
?were unique.

Nobody knew you
"You should be thankful for all of your other blessings."
?were loved beyond measure.

Nobody knew you
?but us.

And we will always remember
?You.

By Jan Cosby

(((hugs))))

You rock, just sayin'

Yes you do. And now I am crying too!

lukesliebe · November 2011

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you must be going through. I don't think God ever makes "wrong" babies and those who say that are ignorant and/or insensitive. I'm so sorry you have to listen to that. I would agree with the PP about checking out the Loss Board...those ladies have a lot to offer and have gone through what you're experiencing.

Keeping you in my T&P's..

bwe1100 · November 2011

I can't express my sympathies any better than what's already been written (BBJ, you brought me to tears), but I wanted to add that I'm also thinking about you and sending you my best wishes in this terribly difficult time. Like many other posters have said, I also went through some really sad and angry times in the wake of my c/p. I can still be brought to tears by it today. Without friends to turn to who've been through this IRL, please know we're all here for you. PM me any time if you'd like to vent or talk. Big hugs to you, tinkitty, and very best wishes.?

WilsonN10 · November 2011

First off let me start by saying I am so sorry for your loss...a loss is a loss no matter how soon it took place. I also want to say you are not alone...I lost my baby at the beginning of this month and we were going to announce over thanksgiving. As we get closer to the day I get less and less excited. I know we can both make it through. One thing that a wonderful lady on here told me was to look at the positive and remember that sperm met egg and that is a great thing. I hope this helps a little...I know it is not as easy to snap out of it and look at the positive as everyone says, but I am confident that it has to get easier. Again so sorry for your loss.

SParkman80 · November 2011

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry and you are in my thoughts. ((Hugs))

NJtoMD2011 · November 2011

I'm so so sorry for your loss. You are so very brave and strong for how you handled the doctor's visit. Now take time and allow yourself to grieve and be sad. Your feelings are 100% valid. I hope that you find some peace and comfort soon.

Want a personalized experience?

I am lost-loss mentioned

Re: I am lost-loss mentioned

Choose Another Board

Search Boards